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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 1, 2017 1:55:57 GMT -5
I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkard and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex.
I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing.
this is making actually so much more confused than ever.
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2017 2:13:49 GMT -5
Anxiety absolutely thrives when you are in an environment where your needs are not being met, your self esteem has been trampled underfoot, where you have been isolated, where you are treated with disinterest, where you are not valued for yourself, where you are deliberately or accidentally treated disrespectfully, where you are deliberately or accidentally demeaned and diminished as a person.
Anxiety and it's Brother depression will thrive in such an environment.
How could they not ??
The conditions are ideal to produce this outcome.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 1, 2017 2:14:05 GMT -5
I understand this completely and I refuse to actually show intimacy now in any way. I refuse to hold his hand. I am not keen on hugs and even a kiss on the cheek is uncomfortable for me. He doesn't understand why. Of course he doesn't. It is his wish of continuing the status quo, something he would be very happy with.
For me though, that comes with the whole package, including a sex life. We don't have that.
Basically incompatible.
What I am ensuring though is trying to see the best in me and knowing that I am refusing to let this situation colour the rest of my life or future relationships. I certainly hope for that anyway. That my withdrawal is basically a symptom of this fucked up relationship. I am still me after all this. Because I am hugely affectionate and loving.
SM has wide ranging and damaging effects and I've been through my fair share!
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 1, 2017 2:31:31 GMT -5
Anxiety absolutely thrives when you are in an environment where your needs are not being met, your self esteem has been trampled underfoot, where you have been isolated, where you are treated with disinterest, where you are not valued for yourself, where you are deliberately or accidentally treated disrespectfully, where you are deliberately or accidentally demeaned and diminished as a person. Anxiety and it's Brother depression will thrive in such an environment. How could they not ?? The conditions are ideal to produce this outcome. So its like being suprised that mushrooms are growing from **it? |
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2017 2:40:59 GMT -5
Well as it happens Sister darktippedrose , I seem to have misplaced my medical degree, but yes. Or like being surprised that it gets wet when it rains. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 1, 2017 3:18:07 GMT -5
I think anxiety is definitely a by product of the SM. You wish to be touched, and you wish to touch back. But its denied, so you (me in this example) question your ability to please, and wonder if you are still capable. As a giver, it questions your whole being.
It has in some way been better for me since becoming a 'counter refuser', by which I mean, I dont want to be touched by her anymore, theres just nothing there.
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Post by TMD on Jun 1, 2017 7:55:28 GMT -5
Without question. It impacted my AP, also from an SM, to the point that he could not perform without the little blue pill. Although that is no longer an issue, if we have long bouts of separation, he sometimes still has to check in with his therapist (she specializes in sexual disorders) to talk him off the ledge.
And I was so depressed that I considered suicide.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 1, 2017 8:14:39 GMT -5
What was that?!! OH ,A TOUCH!! Accidental or on purpose, my upper body twinges when it happens. I'm guessing it's due to the starvation. We've discussed this on here before, (always worth repeating) It's amazing how I remember a month ago when the nurse took my blood pressure. She took my arm and put it up against her side and right below her breast. I could feel the exact spot on my arm for days! Dental stories are even harder (pun intended)
Meanwhile I avoid even being in the same room with my STBX. When we pass each other in the hallway, it's like a little kid who was afraid of getting "cooties".
Looking forward to the freedom from all of that.
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Post by rdp62 on Jun 1, 2017 8:25:10 GMT -5
I am going zero intimacy starting today no kiss goodbye goodnight etc, no going to any of her social events nothing
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 9:19:07 GMT -5
I am curious if sexlessness can create anxiety? Like by the time you do get touched, its painful and awkard and you just have all this anxiety related to intimacy/sex. I am curious if this is normal, especially if your spouse touches you in a small way after years of nothing. this is making actually so much more confused than ever. I can tell you that after years of sexlessness, I would recoil if my refuser touched me. It really irritated me. I have heard of women who get irritated if the only touch they receive is when their husbands want sex. This is the polar opposite. My refuser wanted touch when it would NEVER lead to sex. That is just as bad. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 1, 2017 9:52:29 GMT -5
Yes. Anxiety, fear, lack of confidence.
When I first outsourced I was not very sexually confident because of years of rejection.
I could not even get on top and it took courage on my part to seek out and challenge myself to grow and get to where I am today.
Anxiety and fear is gone confidence is way up!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 1, 2017 9:59:23 GMT -5
I am going zero intimacy starting today no kiss goodbye goodnight etc, no going to any of her social events nothing Just be aware friend, many of us took that route. Thinking, "I'll show them, or I don't want/need it anyways". Then the months turn into years. You later discover your spouse got what they wanted and were quite happy ,all those years. Be aware of the trap. |
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Post by h on Jun 1, 2017 10:36:25 GMT -5
I am going zero intimacy starting today no kiss goodbye goodnight etc, no going to any of her social events nothing Just be aware friend, many of us took that route. Thinking, "I'll show them, or I don't want/need it anyways". Then the months turn into years. You later discover your spouse got what they wanted and were quite happy ,all those years. Be aware of the trap. It can work both ways. I did this and it was the wake-up call to force her to pay attention. I would recommend a time limit on it though. If no change before your defined acceptable time limit, work on an exit. I didn't think about a time limit in advance but got a response from her in less than a month. When I did it again recently, I got a reaction in just a few days. If it comes to a point where I feel like I need to again, I will be planning my exit but for now, things are looking up. If withholding touch isn't effective fairly quickly, nothing ever will. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 1, 2017 11:08:06 GMT -5
Without question. It impacted my AP, also from an SM, to the point that he could not perform without the little blue pill. Although that is no longer an issue, if we have long bouts of separation, he sometimes still has to check in with his therapist (she specializes in sexual disorders) to talk him off the ledge. And I was so depressed that I considered suicide. I want to acknowledge this, but of course I can't "like" it. I thank you for your strength and openness. |
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Post by WindSister on Jun 1, 2017 11:16:31 GMT -5
I knew sexlessness was a problem in my life when I actually got "embarrassed" thinking about sex. That is not a healthy response/feeling for a grown woman when it comes to something as natural as sex. That's when I started waking up to the dysfunctions of my marriage.
When my ex and I had reset sex it was horrible - really horrible - and I felt wrong for doing it with him, like he was a cousin or something (gross).
In general, when it came to the thought of sex with another man other than my ex I was dealing with a lot of inner anxiety and turmoil of not feeling good enough or even knowing what to do, frankly. Luckily my first partner was perfect for me and he made it easy. I actually cried quite a bit that first time. He was also understanding of that. From there, life took off and I found myself, to include my sexual self.
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