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Post by TMD on May 30, 2017 23:05:07 GMT -5
I was texting one of my closest friends tonight. She was inquiring as to how things are moving along re:separation.
In general, things are moving, according to schedule roommate and I agreed upon. We even have a tenantative agreement re: parenting schedule. Which is huge due to his work-travel schedule. It's best case, despite it. And I am willing to provide to more time for him when he can take time off or work from home, or perhaps one day he works locally. It's progress.
However, what has struck me deeply the last week is that I'm feeling all sorts of guilt with respect to him. I have been unhappy, deeply unhappy for the bulk of our marriage. And I should have done this sooner. I should have told him this marriage doesn't work years ago. But I didn't. Until more recently.
I mentioned the guilt to her.
And this was her reply:
"Oh Rub, no blame and no guilt. You weren't honest with him cause you actually weren't honest with yourself. It took 15 years to be truly honest with yourself. You thought you were getting something and you got something different. Weird cause the union was authentic and real, and cruel because life deals harsh crappy cards we don't plan for or want.
Ya 15 [[when I first admitted to myself and him that marriage was dysfunctional]] years is a long time but you were young,naive, and unable to deal with broken dreams and a "grown up"failure.
Be kind to yourself.
You did your best. I've been with you a real long time, and I know things were not perfect, but you dealt with the journey the best you could. You're wiser, stronger, truer and smarter, that's the hardest (and some may say the best!) part of getting older.......😘"
It's so hard not to be hard one one's self. I am learning more about myself than ever. I am a people pleaser, more often than not, putting needs of others ahead of myself.
But I'm learning. And, I believe, growing. And I'm getting there.
While the journey is hard work, and while some days I'm completely stuck and slightly afraid or mildly depressed, the moments are just moments. I'm climbing out of them quicker.
Divorce isn't a failure, but a fork in the road, a shift. It is what it is. And if I am to be truly authentic, to live with integrity, this is the path I must take.
Okay. Shaking off the guilt.
Who would have thought that all I needed to do was come here and give myself a pep talk?
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Post by baza on May 30, 2017 23:19:28 GMT -5
I like this friend of yours already Sister TMDEspecially this bit - "You weren't honest with him cause you actually weren't honest with yourself" I reckon those words could be carved in stone at the entry point of this group. I wish someone had tattooed them on my arm when I was a young bloke. When we start being honest with ourselves, things tend to get moving in life enhancing ways. |
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Post by TMD on May 30, 2017 23:57:09 GMT -5
Yes, she is very astute, baza. And she struck a chord. Her words were a good reminder. I agree, we are all at that point at some juncture. Some traverse it faster than others. I don't regret my journey; but I do wish I hadn't been so afraid to make the change years ago. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 31, 2017 0:16:48 GMT -5
TMD Oh Yes the GUILT that was something that cropped up on me and hung like a toxic cloud in my consciousness . . . It did not happen until after the "Talk" and things got moving forward. Coulda, shoulda, woulda etc etc etc. "You weren't honest with him cause you actually weren't honest with yourself. It took 15 years to be truly honest with yourself." Yes also the "It took 15 years". Imagine if I had been honest about the situation when it started to deteriorate say within a few months. Oh yes, it would have been a different story but alas, it was over a decade. Too much water under the bridge and the bad habits of our SM went from a tendency to a river carved thru stone. The guilt definitely needs to be addressed and studied and examined . . . I was raised Catholic, in my case, I just love to feel guilty unconsciously even it has been hammered into my psyche so I need to be aware of this and see what is really going on and just who is guilty of what if anything. Courage !!!
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Post by TMD on May 31, 2017 7:51:54 GMT -5
@mcroommate - perhaps we who are expert guilt persons need to schedule weekly checkins with ourselves to minimize it?!
Sort of being cheeky. But awareness is important. And staying honest on all levels through this, or any, process.
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 31, 2017 8:28:17 GMT -5
This is KILLER progress, TMD! I couldn't be honest with myself about a lot of things "because I'm a positive person" (I would tell myself). As in our garden, for example: I see the plants. There a few weeds around them but nothing so large that they take away nutrients from the herbs, flowers, vegetables. Ex would see the problems. We SHOULD get those weeds out of there! Looks horrible. Drudgery. Blech. Negativity is realism. I could always see the good parts more clearly than the bad. Until I woke up, learned, matured. I could not SEE the dysfunction until I saw it. It was a learning curve but when I learned it, I couldn't not do something about it. Be kind to yourself. The journey is what it is, definitely. I know that right now I have things in my life that MAYBE later, I will think: why did I put up with that? But until I see things completely clearly, I just can't actually help my own "ignorance" or my current stage of development. You are doing monster-good work, lady! |
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Post by WindSister on May 31, 2017 9:05:52 GMT -5
Great inner work there!  I gave myself pep talks all the time, writing is powerful. Thanks for sharing with us, too, you may be helping someone else along the way. Wishing you the best!! |
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Post by lyn on May 31, 2017 10:32:09 GMT -5
Your friend, btw, is awesome - I'm so glad you have her! During that 15 years, you were doing what was *expected* of you. Being the wife and mom. When we attach these roles to our identity (not saying it's bad), it's hard to remember what's actually underneath the accoutrements. Until one day, when our own SELF demands to be heard. Sure, the nagging little thoughts during the 15 year stint was really your own SELF trying to be heard - you just couldn't hear it. It's not your fault - we humans are very complex what with all of our complexities. But, now your inner voice is demanding you listen! Yes! Finally! This is hard. You can do this. You're strong and resilient. The *guilt* will fade. Leave it with the old dreams. Time for new ones, starring YOU! TMDxx |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 31, 2017 11:55:21 GMT -5
@mcroommate - perhaps we who are expert guilt persons need to schedule weekly checkins with ourselves to minimize it?! Sort of being cheeky. But awareness is important. And staying honest on all levels through this, or any, process. Amen to that. Where is my scourging whip and a corner. OK maybe not that bad. At least I can find humour in this pathological guilt - humour is very cost effective therapy. |
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Post by TMD on May 31, 2017 20:27:00 GMT -5
@mcroommate - perhaps we who are expert guilt persons need to schedule weekly checkins with ourselves to minimize it?! Sort of being cheeky. But awareness is important. And staying honest on all levels through this, or any, process. Amen to that. Where is my scourging whip and a corner. OK maybe not that bad. At least I can find humour in this pathological guilt - humour is very cost effective therapy. Somebody asked for advice to get through the work day. I've had an intense past three days at work. And my advice is to find some reason to laugh. Sometimes somethings are really that absurd. And the laughter helps. |
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Post by TMD on May 31, 2017 20:29:15 GMT -5
lyn, yes friend is a gem. We will have been married for 20 years in August. at the 5 yearish mark I planned (using that works loosely) to leave. And didn't. The resolve is strong and there's nothing to debate, aside from what to do with house and finances. But those things are a little less important as a healthy personhood.
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Post by TMD on May 31, 2017 20:30:37 GMT -5
Great inner work there! I gave myself pep talks all the time, writing is powerful. Thanks for sharing with us, too, you may be helping someone else along the way. Wishing you the best!! Thank you! You were the first "escapee" when I joined EP. It seemed so quick and I was in awe of you. I'm so happy that you are in a good place, and are here as a support and example to the rest of us. |
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Post by TMD on May 31, 2017 20:33:51 GMT -5
Thank you @geekgoddess! I think, "be kind to one's self," is a good mantra to get through something like this. I had a convo in my head about the guilt again today. it was eventually balanced with a, "it takes two," kind of a shift. I wasn't alone in this marriage and I couldn't fix it by myself (if it even had a chance of fixing). Grateful that you stay here and help guide the rest of us through this too. And baz also. I do wish sleeplessknight would come back. I'm feeling needy. Can you tell? |
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 1, 2017 0:04:24 GMT -5
Thank you @geekgoddess! I think, "be kind to one's self," is a good mantra to get through something like this. I had a convo in my head about the guilt again today. it was eventually balanced with a, "it takes two," kind of a shift. I wasn't alone in this marriage and I couldn't fix it by myself (if it even had a chance of fixing). Grateful that you stay here and help guide the rest of us through this too. And baz also. I do wish sleeplessknight would come back. I'm feeling needy. Can you tell? At the obvious risk of showing my age . . .  It Takes Two to Make a Thing a Go Right / It takes Two to make it Out of Sight |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 1, 2017 0:05:57 GMT -5
Thank you @geekgoddess! I think, "be kind to one's self," is a good mantra to get through something like this. I had a convo in my head about the guilt again today. it was eventually balanced with a, "it takes two," kind of a shift. I wasn't alone in this marriage and I couldn't fix it by myself (if it even had a chance of fixing). Grateful that you stay here and help guide the rest of us through this too. And baz also. I do wish sleeplessknight would come back. I'm feeling needy. Can you tell? At the obvious risk of showing my age . . . It Takes Two to Make a Thing a Go Right / It takes Two to make it Out of Sight Fuck yes!!!!! Imma blast this in my kitchen (it's 6am and the rest of the house is off school and work. This should piss em off mwah ha ha) |
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I gave myself pep talks all the time, writing is powerful. Thanks for sharing with us, too, you may be helping someone else along the way. Wishing you the best!!
