Post by goyaman on May 30, 2017 9:02:59 GMT -5
I've been visiting this forum for several months now, it's been a great source of information and inspiration. I would like to thank everyone on here for sharing their experiences and advice, it has meant a lot.
I've finally found myself in a very stressful crossroads in my marriage. First, a little background: I married an Asian woman 16 years ago. It was a little bumpy in the beginning, but the sex life was decent. When the first child was born, the dynamic in the marriage changed dramatically. At the time, i didn't know if this was normal for new parents or particular to my situation. After referencing some articles, it seems that the relegation of the marriage to the back burner after the arrival of the child is fairly common in Asian marriages. Combine that cultural tendency with a nasty case of post-partum depression and the first year of my child's life was absolute poison for the marriage.
I was moved to the room on the other side of the apartment (haven't slept in the same bed with my wife in over 7 years) and my mother-in-law came to live with us. The birth also seem to intensify what I've diagnosed as my wife's OCD. At that time, there were several new strains of the flu being regularly profiled on the news, and as a result my wife essentially quarntined our child in the apartment. For the first year the baby didn't leave the apartment except to go to the doctor's office. Our relationship more-or-less ceased to exist. No intimacy of any kind. My only salvation were the few times I went on business trips or got sent to the store with a honey-do list.
One of the startling incidents that occurred during that time was when my wife woke up early to go for a walk. The young one woke up and started crying hysterically, she was not used to her mother not being next to her in the morning. When the W returned, I asked her to wake me up next time so I could be next to the baby. For some reason this really set her off. She went apoplectic, even threatening to kill herself and the baby. I told her that I'm was going to call in sick, so we could work this issue out. She told me no, go to work; she only wanted to be in control.
After a year the mother-in-law returned home, and it was just the three of us. I was pretty numb, and very empty. I had what you could call a emotional affair with a girl I met at work. It was never physical, I guess I was trying to make up for the void I felt. That relationship ended when I left that job, it took me many months to get over it despite the platonic nature of it.
The W wanted a second child, but I was not interested. But because of the control she had (and has) over me, I obliged. A few weeks of very clinical, non-romantic sex followed and she got pregnant. Before the child was born, I had to relocate, and she decided to return to her hometown to have the baby. She lived with a parents for a little over a year.
When the family reunited, the W got very upset over a very minor incident (me walking into the room when she was trying to breastfeed) and she told me it was a mistake returning to the States, and that she should just go back. I calmed her down and we started our 'new' life together. Around this time, the serial rejections started. She always had an excuse: hormones, "I only think about sex", too tired.
Another important issue came about while we were living in the states. My W turned into a horrific Tiger Mom. My poor kids were subjected to so many activities, homework, lessons, and stress. It was very difficult on the whole family. I make good enough money so my wife doesn't have to work, so she puts all her efforts into molding the children into the next Elon Musk (she would really reference him, and the importance of her children excelling and doing great things for the world.). She has confided in me a few times that she didn't think she could love our oldest is she wasn't smart. Meanwhile, the house was a mess, she rarely cooked, and had less than zero interest in my wants and needs. One of my problems, and I'll probably reference this later, is my complete inability to deal with conflict. It's so hard for me to face her and let her know my displeasure. It certaintly doesn't help that my wife only has 2 modes when we have a serious discussion: normal, and mad as hell. There is no moderation in how she shuts down arguments. It escalates quickly into threats of divorce and nasty comments:"I wish I could keep your money and get rid of you". As a result, I've lived with some pretty substantial FOG for a long time.
Fast forward a year, I had a chance to relocate to her home country. During that time I reconnected with an old friend that I had know prior to meeting my W. In fact, they had worked in the same office. During a dinner with her, she told me about issues she was having in her marriage, and was pursuing divorce. I relayed to her my issues as well. It was definitely one of those eyebrow raising moments. We were always fond of each other, but at that dinner there was definitely a spark.
The years went by, and so did the refusals. The W was become a more ferocious Tiger Mom by the day. Most nights ended in screaming, crying kids accompanied by screeches of a toddler trying to learn the violin. My heart was sunk by the condition in the house. When I aired my concerns, I was always shut down, harshly: the kids education was her "concern".
Simultaneously, my relationship with the other woman was growing deeper and deeper. I went to see her every 6 weeks or so. Being with her gave me a feeling of peace, joy, and contentment that has been simply missing in my life. We made plans to be together in the future.
She is currently is the process of terminating her marriage, and has secured her own apartment. She is waiting for me to do the same. Two weeks ago, I aired my grievances with my wife and told her I wanted to separate. She was totally taken by surprise. It was 3 hours of crying, anger, and drama. She cried and told me she wants to work at the marriage, she will change. I completely caved and told her we would work at it, knowing in my heart that's the last thing I wanted to do. My inability to manage conflict is really starting to haunt me.
To my amazement, the W really appears to be trying to be more attentive to me, and less strict with the children. It's almost like she's trying to attempt an entire personality reset. My councilor commented that such an amazing turnaround is suspect, and if nothing else indicates she knew of her transgressions the entire time. I'm annoyed by it to a certain degree, like she's taken away my 'self-righteousness'. As I travel down this road, it's me that's going to have to be the bad guy.
Needless to say, the emotional cocktail I've been experiencing the last couple of weeks has been devastating. I feel like I'm betraying my AP (whom I love with all my heart) with my inability to truly confront my W and tell her, without exception, that I want our of the marriage. My heart is breaking for my children, who will have to endure a future in a broken home. I'm also feel guilty by my actions towards my wife; I'm unnecessarily putting her on this emotional roller-coaster by my inability to just come clean.
This all leads to some serious anxiety, and perhaps a slippery slope into depression. I probably just need a 'time out' to figure some things out.
Intellectually and spiritual I know what I want/have to do. Emotionally I still have a lot of catching up to do. I have to learn how to deal with the massive amounts of FOG that I feel.
Sorry this was so long, I abridged it as much as I felt I could.
I've finally found myself in a very stressful crossroads in my marriage. First, a little background: I married an Asian woman 16 years ago. It was a little bumpy in the beginning, but the sex life was decent. When the first child was born, the dynamic in the marriage changed dramatically. At the time, i didn't know if this was normal for new parents or particular to my situation. After referencing some articles, it seems that the relegation of the marriage to the back burner after the arrival of the child is fairly common in Asian marriages. Combine that cultural tendency with a nasty case of post-partum depression and the first year of my child's life was absolute poison for the marriage.
I was moved to the room on the other side of the apartment (haven't slept in the same bed with my wife in over 7 years) and my mother-in-law came to live with us. The birth also seem to intensify what I've diagnosed as my wife's OCD. At that time, there were several new strains of the flu being regularly profiled on the news, and as a result my wife essentially quarntined our child in the apartment. For the first year the baby didn't leave the apartment except to go to the doctor's office. Our relationship more-or-less ceased to exist. No intimacy of any kind. My only salvation were the few times I went on business trips or got sent to the store with a honey-do list.
One of the startling incidents that occurred during that time was when my wife woke up early to go for a walk. The young one woke up and started crying hysterically, she was not used to her mother not being next to her in the morning. When the W returned, I asked her to wake me up next time so I could be next to the baby. For some reason this really set her off. She went apoplectic, even threatening to kill herself and the baby. I told her that I'm was going to call in sick, so we could work this issue out. She told me no, go to work; she only wanted to be in control.
After a year the mother-in-law returned home, and it was just the three of us. I was pretty numb, and very empty. I had what you could call a emotional affair with a girl I met at work. It was never physical, I guess I was trying to make up for the void I felt. That relationship ended when I left that job, it took me many months to get over it despite the platonic nature of it.
The W wanted a second child, but I was not interested. But because of the control she had (and has) over me, I obliged. A few weeks of very clinical, non-romantic sex followed and she got pregnant. Before the child was born, I had to relocate, and she decided to return to her hometown to have the baby. She lived with a parents for a little over a year.
When the family reunited, the W got very upset over a very minor incident (me walking into the room when she was trying to breastfeed) and she told me it was a mistake returning to the States, and that she should just go back. I calmed her down and we started our 'new' life together. Around this time, the serial rejections started. She always had an excuse: hormones, "I only think about sex", too tired.
Another important issue came about while we were living in the states. My W turned into a horrific Tiger Mom. My poor kids were subjected to so many activities, homework, lessons, and stress. It was very difficult on the whole family. I make good enough money so my wife doesn't have to work, so she puts all her efforts into molding the children into the next Elon Musk (she would really reference him, and the importance of her children excelling and doing great things for the world.). She has confided in me a few times that she didn't think she could love our oldest is she wasn't smart. Meanwhile, the house was a mess, she rarely cooked, and had less than zero interest in my wants and needs. One of my problems, and I'll probably reference this later, is my complete inability to deal with conflict. It's so hard for me to face her and let her know my displeasure. It certaintly doesn't help that my wife only has 2 modes when we have a serious discussion: normal, and mad as hell. There is no moderation in how she shuts down arguments. It escalates quickly into threats of divorce and nasty comments:"I wish I could keep your money and get rid of you". As a result, I've lived with some pretty substantial FOG for a long time.
Fast forward a year, I had a chance to relocate to her home country. During that time I reconnected with an old friend that I had know prior to meeting my W. In fact, they had worked in the same office. During a dinner with her, she told me about issues she was having in her marriage, and was pursuing divorce. I relayed to her my issues as well. It was definitely one of those eyebrow raising moments. We were always fond of each other, but at that dinner there was definitely a spark.
The years went by, and so did the refusals. The W was become a more ferocious Tiger Mom by the day. Most nights ended in screaming, crying kids accompanied by screeches of a toddler trying to learn the violin. My heart was sunk by the condition in the house. When I aired my concerns, I was always shut down, harshly: the kids education was her "concern".
Simultaneously, my relationship with the other woman was growing deeper and deeper. I went to see her every 6 weeks or so. Being with her gave me a feeling of peace, joy, and contentment that has been simply missing in my life. We made plans to be together in the future.
She is currently is the process of terminating her marriage, and has secured her own apartment. She is waiting for me to do the same. Two weeks ago, I aired my grievances with my wife and told her I wanted to separate. She was totally taken by surprise. It was 3 hours of crying, anger, and drama. She cried and told me she wants to work at the marriage, she will change. I completely caved and told her we would work at it, knowing in my heart that's the last thing I wanted to do. My inability to manage conflict is really starting to haunt me.
To my amazement, the W really appears to be trying to be more attentive to me, and less strict with the children. It's almost like she's trying to attempt an entire personality reset. My councilor commented that such an amazing turnaround is suspect, and if nothing else indicates she knew of her transgressions the entire time. I'm annoyed by it to a certain degree, like she's taken away my 'self-righteousness'. As I travel down this road, it's me that's going to have to be the bad guy.
Needless to say, the emotional cocktail I've been experiencing the last couple of weeks has been devastating. I feel like I'm betraying my AP (whom I love with all my heart) with my inability to truly confront my W and tell her, without exception, that I want our of the marriage. My heart is breaking for my children, who will have to endure a future in a broken home. I'm also feel guilty by my actions towards my wife; I'm unnecessarily putting her on this emotional roller-coaster by my inability to just come clean.
This all leads to some serious anxiety, and perhaps a slippery slope into depression. I probably just need a 'time out' to figure some things out.
Intellectually and spiritual I know what I want/have to do. Emotionally I still have a lot of catching up to do. I have to learn how to deal with the massive amounts of FOG that I feel.
Sorry this was so long, I abridged it as much as I felt I could.
