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Post by Caris on May 27, 2017 16:55:01 GMT -5
Do you ever ask yourself "what the hell was all that about?" Years of marriage, home, family, and all that goes with it, only to find yourself older and alone, and broke, or whatever your situation?
I think more men may find themselves in this situation after divorce, after being taken to the cleaners, but it can happen to women too. It's not just about the finances, it's about your life. The dreams you had for a happy marriage that never materialized. The years of hope and tears shed in vain, now its over, and you are old, and world weary, and wondering "is that it? Did I go through all that just to lose my youth, and end up like this?" More imortant, " what the hell do I do now?"
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Post by merrygoround on May 28, 2017 2:07:13 GMT -5
We've been together 24 years, married almost 21. I have looked at it like a grieving process for the time spent together, the home, the life, the hopes and dreams in order to rationalise it. I have put my heart and soul into our family and our home. But that's ok - because I helped create a safe and supportive haven for our children to grow up in. They are and always have been our priority. That they continue to have our unconditional love and support is a given.
He will remain here in the big house - the home I created. The kids, being young adults, will make their way into the world having this as a base.
I will move countries, retrain and hopefully find work. Refresh skills and qualifications Be able to provide myself with some income to support myself and hopefully create a base where I am in the future so the kids know they will always have a place with me too.
I am lucky to have support from my parents. They will open up their home to me and I have a room there as a springboard to my future.
Sure, I could remain in this, stay in the big house, same old same old day in and day out, maintain the status quo, slowly dying inside, watching my personality crumble and my self esteem wear away to nothing. I could remain living life his way, with his ideals and his views.
I've done all I can and been here with the kids throughout - they are now young adults. I'm 44 now and it's time, before more years pass, to get my future sorted.
I still have hopes and dreams. I know that deep down I'm not completely destroyed, that my confidence will return and I will work very very hard to create a life I can be proud of, just in a different way and a different place. I will look at the blessings of raising our three children and knowing in the end that it wasn't a complete waste as they are the fruits of that. Our greatest achievement. So, we didn't work out, we drifted apart, we are incompatible? I accept that. I can make peace with that. I hope he can too.
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Post by baza on May 28, 2017 2:51:26 GMT -5
Most of the shithouse things that have happened in my life, and for that matter the great things that happened in my life, I regard as just consequences for choices I made (or didn't make) at the time. I *could* have gotten out of my ILIASM deal at 27 (and probably *should* have) but didn't. Same applied at age 37, 47 and 57. At age 57 I chose to get out. To me, that in no way invalidates the prior 30 years. The wins during that period, and the losses, are all a part of me and my history, but neither are to be dwelt upon, though they all helped form me in to who I am today. And I would lay claim to being an ok bloke these days. Still learning, still making choices (and getting some of them horribly wrong) Respectfully, I can't agree with the line - "now it's over and you are old" - that you used Sister Caris My personal philosophy is that it ain't over until you cash in your chips. My ILIASM deal, with all its bad (and good) bits is indeed over. But the story does not stop there. My ILIASM deal did not define me. Even at the worst of times there was more to me than being in an ILIASM deal. It was a part of my life, but it wasn't my total life. It's part of my history. An ongoing history at this point. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2017 8:53:41 GMT -5
What Baza said except that I was older when I got out.
IF I were the person I am now, I wouldn't have married my husband of more than 30 years. But, he was a good match for the person I was then, and for many years, we were reasonably happy together despite a sex life that was unsatisfactory for me.
When over time, I evolved becoming an emotionally healthier person, I finally let go of a marriage that no longer worked for me. I remember the good times being married, and am glad that I had them. I also remember the disappointments and am glad that I have learned to avoid those kind of relationships, relationships that lack the kind of emotional and physical intimacy that I enjoy. I did grow in some good ways due to knowing him.
I don't look at my marriage as being a waste of my youth.
I love the woman I've become, a person who exists due in part to a marriage that didn't work. I feel that life still has interesting possibilities for me, and I'm enjoying exploring them. There are lots of things in my life that I'm grateful for including having had the guts to leave a marriage that was making me miserable. I'm also grateful for having reasonably good health that still allows me to do many (not all) of the things I'd like to do. The older I get, the more I recognize the treasure of having good health and the importance of taking advantage of it while I have it. I can't Irish step dance any more or ride roller coasters, but I'm glad that I did those things when I could.
I wish I had more money. Divorce was a major financial hit. I wish I were more important to my adult children, who live far away and are so focused on their lives that I'm lucky to get a call or e-mail from them every several months. But, I'm fortunate that unlike what's the case with some of my friends, my kids are alive, self supporting, and do at least care enough about me to contact me sometimes. Life could be better, but it also could be much worse. I try hard to appreciate what I have. I try hard to let go of my wishes for what might have been.
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Post by Caris on May 28, 2017 10:39:41 GMT -5
Most of the shithouse things that have happened in my life, and for that matter the great things that happened in my life, I regard as just consequences for choices I made (or didn't make) at the time. I *could* have gotten out of my ILIASM deal at 27 (and probably *should* have) but didn't. Same applied at age 37, 47 and 57. At age 57 I chose to get out. To me, that in no way invalidates the prior 30 years. The wins during that period, and the losses, are all a part of me and my history, but neither are to be dwelt upon, though they all helped form me in to who I am today. And I would lay claim to being an ok bloke these days. Still learning, still making choices (and getting some of them horribly wrong) Respectfully, I can't agree with the line - "now it's over and you are old" - that you used Sister Caris My personal philosophy is that it ain't over until you cash in your chips. My ILIASM deal, with all its bad (and good) bits is indeed over. But the story does not stop there. My ILIASM deal did not define me. Even at the worst of times there was more to me than being in an ILIASM deal. It was a part of my life, but it wasn't my total life. It's part of my history. An ongoing history at this point. Baz, that line "now its over and you are old," is meant as that part of your life is over. It's gone. It's done. The old part is just a fact. I am old, and I suppose it was meant for those who identify with that. I do know some will say, "you are not old in your 60s," and I agree to a point. My point is at this age, the potential and possibilities I had when younger are no longer there. I speak for myself. It's just a fact of life. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2017 19:30:50 GMT -5
It's definitely true that now that I am in my 60s, there are many things that I no longer or will never be able to do again. I have had dear friends and classmates and people younger than me die with dreams unfulfilled because they didn't take advantage of their health, youth and opportunities.
Moved the past year, I've had a cancer scare (fortunately testing showed I'm ok), a surprise diagnosis of arthritis which has restricted my physical activities, and I suddenly started losing my hair. I deniniteky knos now that I need to do now whatever things I want to. I've seen the proof that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow.
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Post by WindSister on May 30, 2017 14:11:09 GMT -5
Divorce will be different for everyone based on the intricate details of each person's life, I suppose.
"What the hell do I do now?" A great question that will lead you to life.
Keep asking it, but more than that, let it point you to answers.
I saw a video of a 74 year old man in Indonesia who, upon retiring, took it upon himself to start cleaning up trash around the city. He's now famous and an inspiration. Life doesn't end when we retire (or divorce) and it's never too late to "start over."
Wishing you the best...
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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2017 15:16:03 GMT -5
It's definitely true that now that I am in my 60s, there are many things that I no longer or will never be able to do again. I have had dear friends and classmates and people younger than me die with dreams unfulfilled because they didn't take advantage of their health, youth and opportunities. Moved the past year, I've had a cancer scare (fortunately testing showed I'm ok), a surprise diagnosis of arthritis which has restricted my physical activities, and I suddenly started losing my hair. I deniniteky knos now that I need to do now whatever things I want to. I've seen the proof that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. I think that the lesson is that it doesn't matter how old you are...you need to do now whatever things you want to. Last week, a neighbor 3 houses down died from a heart attack. I didn't know him well, but would guess he was in his late 40's. But on the way home tonight I could get into a car accident or develop cancer, or any of a hundred catastrophes that shorten this brief time I have on this Earth. Perhaps it's because I'm just about to get out after 20 years is why I'm feeling optimistic. But life is meant to be lived to the fullest we can. If that means at age 45 I can't live it quite as "hard core" as I would have at 25, so be it. If you're in your 60's and have physical limitations, then live as full as you can withing those limitations. But the show isn't over until the grim reaper shows up, and I fully intend on trying to talk my way out of it when that day comes  (can't hurt) |
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(can't hurt)