pity/guilt sex

You are definitely experiencing reset sex. I say this because she is only having sex after she sees you are upset. Reset sex sucks.
I tolerated that for 13 years, the sex was awful. Eventually I became a counter refuser and I no longer desired my H. If you are still in love and still attracted to your wife then i reccomend you lay your cards on the table and make her aware that your marriage is in crisis because it is whether either of you know it or not. 80% of marriages are not sexless even bad marriages and that's because sex is a biological need. Read on here and seek support it helps.

You can't make someone sexually desire you. Laying your cards on the table will not make her enjoy having sex with you. The only person you can change is yourself.

You either can force yourself to be happy with the pity sex she offers (unlikely to work you no more can change your reactions to that sex than she can change her reactions) or you can choose to become available to a passionate partner via outsourcing or divorce or you can choose celibacy while remaining married and becoming content with what you have.

Think about a person whom you have no sexual attraction to. If they threatened you could you then happily have enjoyable sex with them?

Realize that just because your wife doesn't want to have sex with you does NOT mean that no woman would want you.

You don't *have* to do anything Brother neonspace
You can just keep going "as is" if you like.
Given a bit of time your desire to root your missus will decline due to her unenthusiasm, and you won't even be moved to crack a fat in her presence.

Meantime, I have heard that fitting a strobe light in the bedroom can create the illusion that your missus is actually moving when you have a root.

Longer term however, "what you see is what you get".
Would it be a dealbreaker for you if this situation continues (as it will) ??

Thanks for the replies and support.

We had a bit of a blow up last night. She offered reset sex and I said no. She actually made an effort, took a bath invited me to join, I said no, then made another advance, I said no. She was pissed. She said she was trying to throw me a bone. I found that comment very revealing. She even used the word "reset", saying she wanted to reset things back to the way they were.

One of the things she mentioned in a previous conversation was childhood sex abuse and flashbacks. She doesn't want to bring that history up in counseling and for now is refusing to attend. I have scheduled a session for myself next week. Ive known about the abuse since we were dating but thought she a handle on it, but recently found out about the frequent flashbacks she has during intercourse. I don't like the idea of triggering that pain for her during sex and it is part of the reason I don't want to do it any more. She says she wants to get back to normal and will just push those thoughts and memories away during sex if it happens so we can be happy again. She has even offered scheduled sex twice a week.

This doesn't seem like a good idea to me and I think it will make her resent me (more) in the end. She does seem to be trying, but I think professional help is needed, but I don't want to force her, she has to want to get help. Am I being unreasonable? Do I accept the bone she is trying to throw me as an olive branch in the meantime, while she tries to work through this? I want to be supportive and not ice her out, if she really wants to change. How do I know when she is really committed to self improvement? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Neon,

If she wanted to change, she would tell the counselor about her sexual abuse. Since she is not doing that, she is just using the sexual abuse as an excuse not to have sex with you. She may not even have a history of sexual abuse.

Her resentment?  If she is trying to not let it affect your marital sex life, let her give it a shot.

I have something to suggest: have her read The Forty Beads method.  (You can read it too, but the technique really involves the wife buying in to the concept by giving you forty beads.)  It really isn't a solution for sexless marriages: it won't help a spouse who doesn't like sex or averse to sex with you.  Rather it is a technique for sex-starved marriages -- where the principal problem is harried lives -- where both members of the couple realize there WILL be a benefit of a healthy, mutually fulfilling marital sex life.  It is really a technique for "scheduling sex", making it feel plentiful, and enjoying the build up to the deed.

It is a long shot.  But if all you have is long shots, this is one that just might fit your situation.

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That said, it DEFINITELY sounds like she should be in individual therapy.  You, too, perhaps (to help head off the resentment if she is still willing to try).  In fact, you each in individual therapy might help more than you two being in couples therapy at this time.