|
|
Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 5:48:09 GMT -5
I left the forum in a hurrry a few months ago when I suddenly realized that reading others' painful stories was stirring up way to many raw emotions for me at a very vulnerable time in my life. I was also afraid it might be clouding my judgement of my relationship and leading me towards the outcome that I truly didn't want -- divorce. After some deep soul searching, I sat my wife down, told her how much I loved her, our kids, and our life together, once again shared the pain that the lack of intimacy and rejection has caused me all these years, and gave her an ultimatum -- we either move forward together or separately, but I will no longer tolerate being treated this way. This was not the first time I gave her this ultimatum, but I did not have the same conviction and raw emotion in my delivery the previous time. After a few emotional and lengthy discussions, she informed me that she cannot be the lover that I need nor can she bare to share me with another woman, so we both reluctantly agreed to end the marriage after more than 25 years.
The first few weeks afterwards were very peaceful. I immediately let go of the resentment that I was carrying for so long. We were communicating well, and it seemed as if we were going to remain good friends, but then her lawyer and divorced friends started negatively influencing her. Now she barely speaks to me and when she does she is unfriendly and unkind, but most of the time she ignores me and refuses to engage in causal or constructive conversation. She hasn't contributed to the bills once since, she refuses to do so, and said her lawyer instrcuted her not to. It looks like she is aiming for maximum financial gains and lifetime alimony. She also makes many false accusations about me and has shared them with many of our mutual friends and some have already taken her side. Losing your best friend and partner is hard enough, but also losing good friends in the process, especially like this, makes it all that much tougher to deal with. Now that the boys are home from college for the summer, I'm hoping that she will be forced to be on her best behavior, but I'm certainly not holding my breath.
She refused to move out before the divorce is final and since I want to buy the house, it doesn't make sense for me to move out. So we are still living together, barely. While I look forward to moving forward, suddenly being alone in a big house will take some getting used to after all these years. Yeah, she insists that the dogs are going with her too. 😕
I'm hopeful and optimistic for the future, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive about entering the dating scene after nearly thirty years. I fully realize that it will take time and there will be ups and downs, but I'm not sure how well I will deal with rejection, which is of course inevitable. I must also say that coming back to the forum these past few days and reading comments from the wonderful ladies of ILIASM is therapeutic.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 20, 2017 6:07:48 GMT -5
Good to see you Back Brother JonDoeGood to see that you got to a stage of clarity, and acted on it, but this stage of the process is a bitch under the best of circumstances. Let alone when the stbx chooses to adopt an adversarial position. It will get better Brother, but there may be spikes where it gets worse as it all unfolds. |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 20, 2017 6:12:55 GMT -5
Do you have a friend that you could sleep in thier basement for a few weeks?
It sounds like it is a very emotionally toxic environment.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 20, 2017 7:58:34 GMT -5
Sorry to read that the end of the marriage has gone from what started out as amiable to acrimonious. But rereading some of the history you related in past stories of your W's bazaar and a times almost paranoid behavior I am not surprised. I see this as just the latest example of a very troubled personality deeply in need of therapy.
What I am surprised at is the bolstering of your W's position by people who were supposed to be your "friends". I can only assume they were "friends" brought into your life by your W and not people that you had a relationship with prior to the marriage. If you value any of the friendships or people I would make it a point to get your position in front of them. I would use some of the posts you made here to make the point that your W exhibits the characteristics of a personality that is slightly unhinged. And I would expose the state of celibacy she imposed on the marriage without your consent and how she abused the marriage in a power mad scheme for control. In short, show her to them for what she is. Then if they want to continue to take her side you are well rid of them.
If you are sure it's her attorney that is pushing the hard line(I doubt it) then you will need a take no prisoner's representative for yourself.
Save any bills that you think she should be sharing and ask your attorney if they can be taken into account as part of the divorce settlement. There're small potatoes in the grand scheme of things but punishing her bad behavior is in both your long term interests.
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 20, 2017 9:35:36 GMT -5
JonDoe I can empathise with you completely - it's a horrible rollercoaster when you're practically stuck in the same place until things head toward some resolution. Very much the same in my case. With day to day contact he goes from overly polite to trying to be affectionate to cold and barely civil. Not easy to be around - and I can't wait for the kids to be around as his company alone is very difficult. Unfortunately I have nowhere to go until my plans work out as that means moving to another country. I would say that when we got this point around 4 or so years ago and talked about splitting, apparently on one of those divorce forums he read that legal advice suggests you don't leave the marital home or even the marital bedroom! So it was quite the warzone here. To make the change, I had to be the one to leave. Anyway I hope you can get some respite from the situation even though you're in the same house. Try getting out as much as you can - spend time with your boys when they're home. And friends like that - well, you're better off without them anyway.x
|
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 10:35:19 GMT -5
worksforme2 The friends I mentioned in my previous post are mutual married friends we met together. There are some that she talks to the wives more regularly and some less regularly, but nonetheless we have all remained close friends over the years. It's actually really sad because we've shared in many aspects of life together, including birthdays, holidays, vacations, kids sports and graduations. I called several of the guys from our mutual, married friends to get together and they each made excuses of having other plans without suggesting another day or time, which is very unlike them. Each time I reminded them of how long we've been friends, how close our families have become over the years, and how the divorce doesn't have to bring an end to our friendship, which made a few of them come clean and say "Look man, I feel your pain, but right now I can't hangout with you or else the wife will be all over my case and I don't need that right now. Maybe we can get together after the dust settles." A few were too chicken shit and said "Of course, I know that. Hey, I gotta go. I'll give you a call next week.", but the calls never came. One actually said "You know, you're right! Fuck it! Hopefully she will respect my decision to remain friends, if she finds out.", but he didn't tell his wife and he asked me to keep it a secret too. I actually made an unplanned visit to one couple, which didn't go well as they clearly had already formed their new opinion of me solely based on the 100% false accusations crafted by my STBX. I quickly realized that nothing I said was going to undo the damage. These are close friends that we shared keys and garage codes to each other houses, and who knew that I'd do anything for them, including take a bullet for them or their kids. I was clearly choked up during the very brief visit, yet they showed zero empathy, in fact, the guy was being a prick. He was one of the friends that I called and he informed me that his wife would be on his case if we got together. I've since become friends with a guy who is just now completing a very difficult and lengthy divorce involving a custody battle with young kids that makes my current situation pale in comparison. The negative web his wife spun to gain the upper hand and attempt to ruin his life is nothing short of impressively evil. In fact, I joked with him that I want to buy the movie rights. I'm just glad his ex-wife hasn't met my STBX.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 20, 2017 12:12:35 GMT -5
JonDoe..I feel for you partner. I can remember when my W was getting reinforcement from her sorority sisters in refusing intimacy because she no longer had any interest. It was discouraging to learn that the majority of the other males married or living with these women were pretty much pu**y whipped with little to say. Some were also in a S/M but had decided to just live with it. So I walked away from those fair weather friends. I haven't missed any of them. Your male x-friends sound like cowards and charlatans. After the dust settles I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.
|
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on May 20, 2017 12:41:36 GMT -5
After I dust settles I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Not even after taking a few swigs of gasoline first? 😂 |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 20, 2017 13:15:25 GMT -5
Welcome back. I'm sorry things didn't go as you might have hoped or planned for but authenticity is most important and whether you realize it or not you are better off and your future is better off knowing the truth.
Peoples true colors come out eventually and it's better to be free than living a lie. Enjoy your freedom and focus on yourself for a bit in order to figure out what you want for yourself. Best wishes and good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 20, 2017 16:10:14 GMT -5
Hi JonDoe,
I'm sorry that things haven't worked out as you (and anybody sensible) would have wished.
People feel that they need to take sides, f**k knows why but they do. I specifically told all my family and friends that there was to be no taking sides, this struck me as a blinding obvious course of action to take; in that I was wrong. I've been 'cold-shouldered' by quite a few of her friends.
F**K 'em
I've made errors of judgement (like staying in a situation that was making me unhappy, for far too long) but I've nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about and I'd judge that neither have you.
Best wishes
|
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on May 20, 2017 16:20:32 GMT -5
Man this sucks! What I hope you do is keep your sense of humor. You will make new friends. There are some online friends right here that will be glad to listen to you. Here is one for you:  fast image hosting |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 24, 2017 9:41:37 GMT -5
... Each time I reminded them of how long we've been friends, how close our families have become over the years, and how the divorce doesn't have to bring an end to our friendship, which made a few of them come clean and say "Look man, I feel your pain, but right now I can't hangout with you or else the wife will be all over my case and I don't need that right now. ... I feel your pain. I fear something similar. I call this this the "who gets the friends in the divorce" problem. My weird twist is: a good number of the families we know together are lead by single moms, either female divorcees or widows. To add to the twist, I'm generally better friends with these women than my wife is: I spend more time talking, catching up about our kids, arranging carpools, swapping recipes -- even one in depth conversation about menopause! AND they know her as a bit pissy/cranky/pessimistic. So it will be REALLY interesting to see if they "form ranks" around her to defend her... or if they will be fair, and try to continue the friendship with both of us. In some sense, I fear losing those friendships even more than losing the vestigial friendship with my wife. But I'm becoming increasingly certain that I am willing to walk away from even those close friendships; THAT is helping me realize that a divorce really is in the cards with me. (That "battle" within myself has been a long, slow, slugfest.) |
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on May 24, 2017 18:34:44 GMT -5
Dan Sounds like in your case these friends are more likely to choose your side, if they choose sides at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on May 24, 2017 21:21:17 GMT -5
I was wondering where you went, JonDoe . It's unfortunate that you and your wife cannot find common ground to avoid splitting. And that is no one's fault. (My wife basically told me the same thing last year, that we should divorce because she cannot be the lover I am looking for. Then a day or two later, she changed her mind.) Well, if you was my neighbor, I would take you to Hooters, drink and watch the NBA finals with me. Doesn't matter what the wife says. For you and your new found freedom: Kris Kristofferson~ Me and Bobby Mcgee |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on May 25, 2017 10:30:13 GMT -5
We were communicating well, and it seemed as if we were going to remain good friends, but then her lawyer and divorced friends started negatively influencing her. Now she barely speaks to me and when she does she is unfriendly and unkind, but most of the time she ignores me and refuses to engage in causal or constructive conversation. She hasn't contributed to the bills once since, she refuses to do so, and said her lawyer instrcuted her not to. It looks like she is aiming for maximum financial gains and lifetime alimony. She also makes many false accusations about me and has shared them with many of our mutual friends and some have already taken her side. I'm sorry that this happened. It's illustrative of the veneer of pleasantness that often masks deeply submerged contempt. It's why so many people come here thinking "Everything is great except the sex." It means something when your former lover DOESN'T want sex with you. It means something to you, and there is a point of origin within your partner as well that ends in that result. With the facade of marriage dropped, you now are presented with behavior that indicates a more authentic view of her attitude toward you. I was astounded with the ferocity and projection I was confronted with in counseling with my own (ex)wife. While it was almost totally unfair, it was nonetheless how she felt the whole time. It was illuminating to see it come out and realize the scale of contempt with which I was held, basically, for marrying her when she didn't want to (but didn't say). If there is any solace to be taken, you can look to this example of your prognosis in the alternate life where you didn't part. You would have been sharing a home with that. |
|
