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Post by shamwow on May 18, 2017 8:08:13 GMT -5
Telling the truth used to seem easy and natural, until you begin to realize how much you've been controlled, and manipulated. Now, telling the truth means ,defending yourself, saying NO, giving long, detailed, graphic ,explanations, with with past and current quotes, while trying to remain calm and controlled. Then fully expecting your words to be further avoided, spun, misquoted, glossed over, ignored, and belittled. Never letting your guard down,I've created a prison in which I am forced to live. Example: Last night my daughter had a friend over, they were getting ready ,for awards night at school. I say a few words to my STBX, "dinner is ready". She responds with,"Since you are taking your car tonight with the girls I will ride with you." I say "that's fine." The truth? It wasn't fine at all! Yet , at the same time, it should be, and I've wanted it to be! Shortly after announcing our divorce our sons BD came up. We have a tradition of letting them pick a restaurant and going out to eat with their parents. She decided to change all that as we are about to go out the door. She had "other plans" to do things "her way' by herself. She set the new standard. I told her "it's wrong, It's using the children, it doesn't have to be this way." It continues. She also incorporates her daddy into her manipulative toxic triangle, by bringing him to every event. This also means separate cars, separate times, separate seats, etc...(I convinced myself, let it happen. It will be this way after the divorce) I then find out, her car is not available. Our other son already took it to go to school, and work. The 17 yr old truck, which I still drive, (with all it's problems) sits in the garage. She refuses to drive it. So now I know why she is riding with me. 1)I could confront her at any time, and be "honest" about it. Or the next time. That means having to rehash, and remember it all. 2)I could try the discipline with boundaries. Demanding an apology, and enforcing that she will never just "tell me what she is going to do, and that I will comply". That she needs to come down off her pedestal and realize we are on an even playing field. Anytime she treats me disrespectful ,like she did, she can stay home, drive the old truck, get a ride some other way, whatever, not my problem!" 3) I can free myself of such mind games, and just think, "I got what I wanted, we rode together. We put on our fake masks for the kids. We were civil." 4) I can remember that in time we will be divorced and living more and more separate, and this will be less and less of an issue. ALL THIS.....over a "I will ride with you" demand. Lots of shit to sort through. GC, I should know, this, but have you guys already filed? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. If so, the rule of thumb I've been following myself is this: Quack. Just like a duck, let the water slide off your back. My divorce should be finished in about 39 days (assuming everything stays according to plan). There are things that my wife does that drive me absolutely nuts beyond the whole SM thing. I guess that's a big reason I'm divorcing her. I honestly think that she believes I'm too stupid to take care of myself and that I won't be able to survive on my own. Granted as we get closer, I think her attitude on that is changing, but there is a certain level of contempt that creeps in once the veneer of marriage is stripped away. From my perspective, the best way to get through this is to simply quack. Let the offense, affront, or general pain in the ass just wash off your back. I just suck it up and remind myself that this too shall pass. Keeping things calm now will help keep things calm afterwards. It also helps keep the little crazed monkey in the back of my head from stirring up more trouble in my mind than already needs to be there. But that's my situation, and it may not apply to yours. But for me, I just keep that word in the back of my head: Quack. |
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Post by WindSister on May 18, 2017 9:09:22 GMT -5
greatcoastal - you are in the midst of the crazy - sending you strength!! It's okay to say no. It's okay to have boundaries. Kids or no kids. I can see in that instance why you didn't (what good would have come from mom and dad hashing out and arguing in front of the kids and clearly you are the bigger person for that)- but it's good you are investigating how it all made you feel so you can set yourself up to not have to put up to her every demand in the future. You can tell the truth, your truth as it is now, without the long explanations, without rehashing the past. She won't be happy - doesn't matter (I like that -- "Quack!!"). You definitely can't demand or expect apologies or understanding from her -- it won't come from the sounds of it and, anyway, what good would that do? If she was capable of that, perhaps you wouldn't even be divorcing in the first place. It WILL get easier with time -- and as you are further separated. It's a process. Hang in there!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2017 9:25:32 GMT -5
greatcoastal - you are in the midst of the crazy - sending you strength!! It's okay to say no. It's okay to have boundaries. Kids or no kids. I can see in that instance why you didn't (what good would have come from mom and dad hashing out and arguing in front of the kids and clearly you are the bigger person for that)- but it's good you are investigating how it all made you feel so you can set yourself up to not have to put up to her every demand in the future. You can tell the truth, your truth as it is now, without the long explanations, without rehashing the past. She won't be happy - doesn't matter (I like that -- "Quack!!"). You definitely can't demand or expect apologies or understanding from her -- it won't come from the sounds of it and, anyway, what good would that do? If she was capable of that, perhaps you wouldn't even be divorcing in the first place. It WILL get easier with time -- and as you are further separated. It's a process. Hang in there! Thank you for your responses, truly! I gave it more thought. my mind still goes both ways. Quack!! Well......isn't that just more passivity/ Didn't that get me here in the first place? Keeping the peace? The other side. Imagine if I had said "no. I'm not taking you". I have seen her actions before. She would have most likely stood by the car and made a scene. Selfishly ruining the whole evening for my daughter and her friend (who's mother wanted to meet me first. I complied to that) She would have forced her way into the car.Then what? Me telling her to get out? Calling the law? making a big scene? Getting a restraining order? It just multiplies...... That would have been THE REAL TRUTH!! Right back in her face to the detriment of the kids. Yup just hanging in there, attorney after attorney, manipulation, after manipulation. trials for reasons yet un-known. ( I don't pray for patience LOL) |
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Post by shamwow on May 18, 2017 10:11:30 GMT -5
Telling the truth used to seem easy and natural, until you begin to realize how much you've been controlled, and manipulated. Now, telling the truth means ,defending yourself, saying NO, giving long, detailed, graphic ,explanations, with with past and current quotes, while trying to remain calm and controlled. Then fully expecting your words to be further avoided, spun, misquoted, glossed over, ignored, and belittled. Never letting your guard down,I've created a prison in which I am forced to live. Example: Last night my daughter had a friend over, they were getting ready ,for awards night at school. I say a few words to my STBX, "dinner is ready". She responds with,"Since you are taking your car tonight with the girls I will ride with you." I say "that's fine." The truth? It wasn't fine at all! Yet , at the same time, it should be, and I've wanted it to be! Shortly after announcing our divorce our sons BD came up. We have a tradition of letting them pick a restaurant and going out to eat with their parents. She decided to change all that as we are about to go out the door. She had "other plans" to do things "her way' by herself. She set the new standard. I told her "it's wrong, It's using the children, it doesn't have to be this way." It continues. She also incorporates her daddy into her manipulative toxic triangle, by bringing him to every event. This also means separate cars, separate times, separate seats, etc...(I convinced myself, let it happen. It will be this way after the divorce) I then find out, her car is not available. Our other son already took it to go to school, and work. The 17 yr old truck, which I still drive, (with all it's problems) sits in the garage. She refuses to drive it. So now I know why she is riding with me. 1)I could confront her at any time, and be "honest" about it. Or the next time. That means having to rehash, and remember it all. 2)I could try the discipline with boundaries. Demanding an apology, and enforcing that she will never just "tell me what she is going to do, and that I will comply". That she needs to come down off her pedestal and realize we are on an even playing field. Anytime she treats me disrespectful ,like she did, she can stay home, drive the old truck, get a ride some other way, whatever, not my problem!" 3) I can free myself of such mind games, and just think, "I got what I wanted, we rode together. We put on our fake masks for the kids. We were civil." 4) I can remember that in time we will be divorced and living more and more separate, and this will be less and less of an issue. ALL THIS.....over a "I will ride with you" demand. Lots of shit to sort through. GC, I should know, this, but have you guys already filed? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. If so, the rule of thumb I've been following myself is this: Quack. Just like a duck, let the water slide off your back. My divorce should be finished in about 39 days (assuming everything stays according to plan). There are things that my wife does that drive me absolutely nuts beyond the whole SM thing. I guess that's a big reason I'm divorcing her. I honestly think that she believes I'm too stupid to take care of myself and that I won't be able to survive on my own. Granted as we get closer, I think her attitude on that is changing, but there is a certain level of contempt that creeps in once the veneer of marriage is stripped away. From my perspective, the best way to get through this is to simply quack. Let the offense, affront, or general pain in the ass just wash off your back. I just suck it up and remind myself that this too shall pass. Keeping things calm now will help keep things calm afterwards. It also helps keep the little crazed monkey in the back of my head from stirring up more trouble in my mind than already needs to be there. But that's my situation, and it may not apply to yours. But for me, I just keep that word in the back of my head: Quack. Ok, perfect example JUST happened about an hour ago (and yes, I know I'm replying to my own reply). We have each set up separate bank accounts since the divorce will be final in a little over a month. Right now, she works for me doing bookkeeping for my company, and her paycheck is deposited into our joint account just as mine is. It is common money, and is used to pay common bills. All of our bills will be common until we no longer live together and then we each go our own separate ways. Well, since it is my company, I got an notification that her direct deposit information was changed. Basically, her check was now being deposited to her personal account rather than the joint. I asked her about it. She said that she did it to avoid the bank fee for going below the minimum deposit level. She just "forgot" to put in the dollar amount to transfer versus all of it. Now, she handles all the bills in the family as well as doing the books for my company. This could be one of two things: - An honest mistake. She really did want to avoid the $12 monthly fee for the next two months and forgot to enter a minimum amount. - She was trying to slide a couple grand into her personal account that I don't have access to and figure I was too dumb / distracted to notice. When I asked her (not confronted her) about it, she said she was planning on paying bills from both accounts. I told her that I would like joint income to go into the joint account to pay joint bills until we are no longer living together. That keeps it fair. I told her I assumed it was an honest mistake and no worries. Do I really believe that? I'm not sure. But I do know that right before the divorce is final, I will present her with a current statement from my account and ask to see hers just to make sure we each have a 0 balance. If she has money stashed away, I will simply deduct that from the amount she is getting from the sale of the house and the amounts will be back in balance. She will receive a reproachful look from me. Then I will forgive and forget. If the balance is 0, then either her intentions were good from the beginning or she realized she couldn't get away with it and stopped trying. Quack |
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Post by WindSister on May 18, 2017 10:21:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal - I think the "quack" comes into play when it comes to her reactions/feelings. To a point, obviously. Yeah, in that moment it was not the time to act on your truth knowing her reaction would have ruined the whole evening for everyone (not just you -- again, you are the bigger person for taking that on for the sake of peace for others). You are still entangled closely --- it's another validation why you are separating, no doubt. You see clearly who she is and how she treats you and others. As shamwow stated it's not being passive, you ACTIVELY know what is going on and you ARE taking ACTION to divorce. That's her ultimate consequence and soon she won't be as much of your problem (the kids make it so she's always kind of there, of course) but soon she won't hold as much power over you. (I hope!!)
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Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2017 13:04:25 GMT -5
SM aside. How important is honesty from one's partner? Should you confront the odd 'white lie' or do you think it's better to ignore it and let your spouse eventually trip themselves up in their tangled Web? My H has a habit that he is unaware of. A great indicator to me that he is not being forthright. Usually I ignore it and file it away then when I have enough evidence I confront him. Care to elaborate more? I feel I got to far off topic. Would like to work more on your situation. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2017 9:18:06 GMT -5
GC, I should know, this, but have you guys already filed? I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. If so, the rule of thumb I've been following myself is this: Quack. Just like a duck, let the water slide off your back. My divorce should be finished in about 39 days (assuming everything stays according to plan). There are things that my wife does that drive me absolutely nuts beyond the whole SM thing. I guess that's a big reason I'm divorcing her. I honestly think that she believes I'm too stupid to take care of myself and that I won't be able to survive on my own. Granted as we get closer, I think her attitude on that is changing, but there is a certain level of contempt that creeps in once the veneer of marriage is stripped away. From my perspective, the best way to get through this is to simply quack. Let the offense, affront, or general pain in the ass just wash off your back. I just suck it up and remind myself that this too shall pass. Keeping things calm now will help keep things calm afterwards. It also helps keep the little crazed monkey in the back of my head from stirring up more trouble in my mind than already needs to be there. But that's my situation, and it may not apply to yours. But for me, I just keep that word in the back of my head: Quack. Ok, perfect example JUST happened about an hour ago (and yes, I know I'm replying to my own reply). We have each set up separate bank accounts since the divorce will be final in a little over a month. Right now, she works for me doing bookkeeping for my company, and her paycheck is deposited into our joint account just as mine is. It is common money, and is used to pay common bills. All of our bills will be common until we no longer live together and then we each go our own separate ways. Well, since it is my company, I got an notification that her direct deposit information was changed. Basically, her check was now being deposited to her personal account rather than the joint. I asked her about it. She said that she did it to avoid the bank fee for going below the minimum deposit level. She just "forgot" to put in the dollar amount to transfer versus all of it. Now, she handles all the bills in the family as well as doing the books for my company. This could be one of two things: - An honest mistake. She really did want to avoid the $12 monthly fee for the next two months and forgot to enter a minimum amount. - She was trying to slide a couple grand into her personal account that I don't have access to and figure I was too dumb / distracted to notice. When I asked her (not confronted her) about it, she said she was planning on paying bills from both accounts. I told her that I would like joint income to go into the joint account to pay joint bills until we are no longer living together. That keeps it fair. I told her I assumed it was an honest mistake and no worries. Do I really believe that? I'm not sure. But I do know that right before the divorce is final, I will present her with a current statement from my account and ask to see hers just to make sure we each have a 0 balance. If she has money stashed away, I will simply deduct that from the amount she is getting from the sale of the house and the amounts will be back in balance. She will receive a reproachful look from me. Then I will forgive and forget. If the balance is 0, then either her intentions were good from the beginning or she realized she couldn't get away with it and stopped trying. Quack Clint Eastwood; " Here's to us ducks, cause we don't give a quack!" We both have a similiar situation. The moving of money. ( I've posted much about it in my thread money,money,money...MONEY!) Mine has required subpoenas ,bank statements, cancelled checks, tax returns, etc... It has lead to her stalling with more spending, multiple attorneys, no collaboration, failed meditations, and now depositions. One positive. The longer the cover up continues, the more evidence gets un-covered. Things don't always work out that way for everyone. So plug all that into truth and trust. Quack, Quack. |
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