Post by WindSister on May 16, 2017 13:34:10 GMT -5
Rather than sabotage beeman's marriage thread (I already sabotaged it enough, sorry!!), I am starting a new one.
It's so hard for me to accurately describe how my view of marriage has changed since this second marriage. During or after my divorce from my ex, marriage did not look appealing to me though I knew I wanted a good relationship (didn't really know what that meant for a while after, though). Any talk of "sacrificing" or "compromising" made me shudder. To hell with that -- what if you don't get anything back in return?? Well, now, talk about sacrifice and compromise make sense to me -- and it feels meaningful to me, purposeful, and makes my life fuller. Makes me realize marriage is SO MUCH MORE than "love." It really can make you a better person, gives space for you to heal (or get your shit together as Baz would say). Not to say you "need" marriage to do that, but for some of us, it can happen like that.
I perused the web reading many articles titled "Why I got married again" and also many from the flip side of the coin: "Why I will never marry again."
The running theme from those who did it and lasted (HAPPILY) was that they chose it not because they had to, but because they wanted to and being married to this person made sense -- made them a better person -- made life fuller (not complete, there's a difference).
The running theme from many of those who said they never wanted to marry again, in my opinion, was that they were jaded and not yet healed. Reasons like "I never have to pick up underwear again" give that away. If the reason not to get married is because you never want to clean up after someone, there's some bitterness to heal up from a previous relationship. Also, if you don't want a slob, don't marry one........... Eyes open.
Some of the examples not to get married were sound -- these were written by people who just had themselves figured out as wanting to remain independent. That's awesome because it means they won't lead anyone on in the future or talk themselves into marriage (which will go wrong again if we marry hesitantly). The running theme for these folks is simply that -- they want to be in total control of their own life. You can't be married AND single at the same time. (conflict of interests there) With marriage compromise needs to exist, sacrifice, etc. To some that sounds horrible. But in the right relationship it's liberating and also extremely satisfying. It strengthens the bond and makes each partner better for it. But, again -- it's okay to NOT want that and a main reason is how we can ever be sure we do have the "right partner?"
Well, I jumped in, believing I found the right one. I could be proven wrong over time. I know that. But for now, it works. Anyway, I found an article about what someone would write as a second marriage vows ---
Link: www.rebellesociety.com/2017/04/25/sarahmangiarelli-vows/
We put a ton of thought into our marriage vows. He was very active in it, too, which says a lot about the kind of man I married: he wanted us to go into this with eyes open and shared intentions. We plan on revisiting those vows every anniversary. It's becoming our tradition to take an anniversary vacation, buy something meaningful while on it to display at our home (last year it was an awesome birch art painting by a local artist) and review our vows/how the year went on our trip.
Sounds kind of "business-like," but talking with marriage counselors I learned it's actually a really good idea to do a "yearly review" of sorts. For our first "review" we learned so much (some of it humbling and some of it validating) and we grew together as a couple. One example, he let me know it makes him feel I don't care about our finances when he has to remind me to write a check, for instance. Now, I am quick to do it right away knowing it's important to him - it shows my commitment to him for us, financially. Things like that. I had some for him as well and he has worked on those, too. It's amazing how much easier this year together has been than even last year (and we thought that was easy). But talking openly about both the things we loved and didn't like together brought us closer. Some of the things we discussed didn't lead to one or other needing to be changed, but, rather, one or the other needing to accept "this is how it is." And that was positive for us, too. (Example: sometimes I forget things because I have a lot on my mind, not because I don't care - now he's more patient and calm knowing I WILL get it done). Some of it we just choose to see past and forgive -- let love cloud our gazes a little bit (because some shit you have to just let go as it doesn't matter in the grand ole scheme of life). We admit we both have gotten better at this with age and experience.
ANyway, I got off on a tangent of course. MY POINT with this is that we put a lot of thoughts into the vows because it matters WHY you are getting married and WHAT you want out of it. If you can't meet on that, it will surely lead to another divorce. Apparently most 2nd marriages lead to divorce ANYWAY but we plan on being part of the 40% not the 60%.
So, IF you were to take the plunge again, what would your vows be? And could you actually fulfill them from your standpoint as well (it takes two).
Some vows from the article:
It's so hard for me to accurately describe how my view of marriage has changed since this second marriage. During or after my divorce from my ex, marriage did not look appealing to me though I knew I wanted a good relationship (didn't really know what that meant for a while after, though). Any talk of "sacrificing" or "compromising" made me shudder. To hell with that -- what if you don't get anything back in return?? Well, now, talk about sacrifice and compromise make sense to me -- and it feels meaningful to me, purposeful, and makes my life fuller. Makes me realize marriage is SO MUCH MORE than "love." It really can make you a better person, gives space for you to heal (or get your shit together as Baz would say). Not to say you "need" marriage to do that, but for some of us, it can happen like that.
I perused the web reading many articles titled "Why I got married again" and also many from the flip side of the coin: "Why I will never marry again."
The running theme from those who did it and lasted (HAPPILY) was that they chose it not because they had to, but because they wanted to and being married to this person made sense -- made them a better person -- made life fuller (not complete, there's a difference).
The running theme from many of those who said they never wanted to marry again, in my opinion, was that they were jaded and not yet healed. Reasons like "I never have to pick up underwear again" give that away. If the reason not to get married is because you never want to clean up after someone, there's some bitterness to heal up from a previous relationship. Also, if you don't want a slob, don't marry one........... Eyes open.
Some of the examples not to get married were sound -- these were written by people who just had themselves figured out as wanting to remain independent. That's awesome because it means they won't lead anyone on in the future or talk themselves into marriage (which will go wrong again if we marry hesitantly). The running theme for these folks is simply that -- they want to be in total control of their own life. You can't be married AND single at the same time. (conflict of interests there) With marriage compromise needs to exist, sacrifice, etc. To some that sounds horrible. But in the right relationship it's liberating and also extremely satisfying. It strengthens the bond and makes each partner better for it. But, again -- it's okay to NOT want that and a main reason is how we can ever be sure we do have the "right partner?"
Well, I jumped in, believing I found the right one. I could be proven wrong over time. I know that. But for now, it works. Anyway, I found an article about what someone would write as a second marriage vows ---
Link: www.rebellesociety.com/2017/04/25/sarahmangiarelli-vows/
We put a ton of thought into our marriage vows. He was very active in it, too, which says a lot about the kind of man I married: he wanted us to go into this with eyes open and shared intentions. We plan on revisiting those vows every anniversary. It's becoming our tradition to take an anniversary vacation, buy something meaningful while on it to display at our home (last year it was an awesome birch art painting by a local artist) and review our vows/how the year went on our trip.
Sounds kind of "business-like," but talking with marriage counselors I learned it's actually a really good idea to do a "yearly review" of sorts. For our first "review" we learned so much (some of it humbling and some of it validating) and we grew together as a couple. One example, he let me know it makes him feel I don't care about our finances when he has to remind me to write a check, for instance. Now, I am quick to do it right away knowing it's important to him - it shows my commitment to him for us, financially. Things like that. I had some for him as well and he has worked on those, too. It's amazing how much easier this year together has been than even last year (and we thought that was easy). But talking openly about both the things we loved and didn't like together brought us closer. Some of the things we discussed didn't lead to one or other needing to be changed, but, rather, one or the other needing to accept "this is how it is." And that was positive for us, too. (Example: sometimes I forget things because I have a lot on my mind, not because I don't care - now he's more patient and calm knowing I WILL get it done). Some of it we just choose to see past and forgive -- let love cloud our gazes a little bit (because some shit you have to just let go as it doesn't matter in the grand ole scheme of life). We admit we both have gotten better at this with age and experience.
ANyway, I got off on a tangent of course. MY POINT with this is that we put a lot of thoughts into the vows because it matters WHY you are getting married and WHAT you want out of it. If you can't meet on that, it will surely lead to another divorce. Apparently most 2nd marriages lead to divorce ANYWAY but we plan on being part of the 40% not the 60%.
So, IF you were to take the plunge again, what would your vows be? And could you actually fulfill them from your standpoint as well (it takes two).
Some vows from the article:
I promise to let you take care of your children, your family how you need to,
Without my judging eyes.
And I will take care of mine.
I promise to take care of myself first.
So that you only have to worry about loving me, and not fixing me.
I promise to show you how much I desire you so that you never have to question the depths of my attraction.
I promise to sing and dance and enjoy myself every day, and I hope that you will join me.
I promise to find comfort with you under the silence of the night’s sky or in a crowd of people.
I promise to not be perfect,
And to not hold you to some arbitrary standard of perfection.
I promise to love all of your quirks and strange habits,
And I promise to not hide any of mine. It is in our imperfections that we have found love.
I promise to be honest, even when it hurts, and even when I am scared.
And I expect nothing less than you being completely open and vulnerable to me as well.
I promise to say I’m sorry, with no buts, no justifications, no excuses, just ‘I am sorry’.
I promise that I won’t throw a fit when you call me out. And please, call me out when I need to be. Remind me that I am not always right or perfect, and that is okay because you will still love me anyway.
Without my judging eyes.
And I will take care of mine.
I promise to take care of myself first.
So that you only have to worry about loving me, and not fixing me.
I promise to show you how much I desire you so that you never have to question the depths of my attraction.
I promise to sing and dance and enjoy myself every day, and I hope that you will join me.
I promise to find comfort with you under the silence of the night’s sky or in a crowd of people.
I promise to not be perfect,
And to not hold you to some arbitrary standard of perfection.
I promise to love all of your quirks and strange habits,
And I promise to not hide any of mine. It is in our imperfections that we have found love.
I promise to be honest, even when it hurts, and even when I am scared.
And I expect nothing less than you being completely open and vulnerable to me as well.
I promise to say I’m sorry, with no buts, no justifications, no excuses, just ‘I am sorry’.
I promise that I won’t throw a fit when you call me out. And please, call me out when I need to be. Remind me that I am not always right or perfect, and that is okay because you will still love me anyway.
