Maslow's hierarchy of needs

I want to start with everyone here and a certain member that I have been messaging has helped me tremendously. Below is an edited version from my side of the conversation. I am sharing this in hopes that it helps someone else. Feel free to ask questions personal or otherwise, y'all helped me get in a better place and returning the help is the least I can due.

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is described a 5 level pyramid can be broken into 2 sections. Bottom 3 levels are, physiological, safety, love/ belonging and the top 2 levels are self esteem and self-actualization. The important thing to remember is that the individual gets to make up what is in each level and each level doesn't have to be for filled to move up.

I think majority of our spouses only have enough sex to satisfy thier physiological needs (body function) and don't have any sex in the love/ belonging level.

So, right now, I have had just enough sex to satisfy my physiological needs, I feel safe, but I don't feel my sexual intimacy is being ment which I include in the love/belonging level. With out the solid foundation your pyramid can and usually crumble.

So since the base of my pyramid is bad, myself esteem is has dropped and I noticed a change in my motives. The biggest thing I am noticing for my lack of self-actualization is, I am trying to do things hoping she wants to have sex, rather then me just wanting to be a better husband.


My self esteem, is low compared to years ago. I wouldn't say I am in the shattered state, but vulnerable and contingent. So, right now it has swings up/down based on what is happening. In my past I could weather the storm with out issues, now the storm comes inside me. Outside for others I keep it together, especially at work. But there are days where I feel good about myself but a lot of days that I don't feel good about myself.


Finding this form, just knowing I am not alone did a lot to help me feel better. I had a sense of acceptance that I don't get from my marriage. Everyone's acceptance has helped fill the gaps in the love/belonging layer. I will say that I am feeling better about my self since I have been PMing with a certain member. I think it is helping prop up my love/belonging later even more since details/ feelings I am not ready to publicly share have been validated.

Thank you, both to the person and to everyone in the forum, y'all helped me. I was a mess back in November when I joined. I think a lot of us have all been in the dark place that I was in.

I might not be well yet but to use baza phrase, "I am sorting my shit out"

I like that concept of the base of the pyramid having had the shit kicked out of it - to the extent that the whole pyramid becomes unstable and incapable of supporting itself.

I think it is worth having a look at the issue of "who" is kicking the shit out of the base of the pyramid.

One of the kickers is the refusive spouse, and they may be deliberately destabilizing the structure, or they may be accidently destabilizing the structure, or they may be destabilizing the structure through sheer incompetence.
In any event, the structure is being compromised.

The secondary kicker is ourselves.
Probably not deliberately but most likely accidently.
To explain -
If we stay in a situation where the base of our pyramid is being eroded, then we are complicit in the situation.
We are in fact giving the destruction of our pyramid our imprimatur.
Whilst we might not be actually applying our own boots to our base, we are standing back and allowing someone else to kick the shit out of our foundations.