"Perspectives from Opposite Land" by Sleeplessknight
May 9, 2017 11:39:31 GMT -5
TMD and itme like this
Post by WindSister on May 9, 2017 11:39:31 GMT -5
www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/6689504
Perspectives from Oppositeland
There is a common misconception on here, it seems, that Oppositeland is some sort of magical paradise for people who have left their sexless marriages – a place where everything turns out perfectly. No wonder, then, the disappointments experienced by some of the newly separated. Oppositeland as a paradise is part wishful thinking, part a misreading of what’s written about Oppositeland by people who have made it through. If you are contemplating leaving your sexless marriage, or have recently left, it is important, therefore, to assess what are reasonable expectations of your new life.
Every so often, I go back and re-read my diaries and old EP stories – a habit I recommend to everyone as it helps anchor you and establish a sense of perspective. The truth is, the three months following my separation were difficult indeed. During that time, I experienced emotional pain the magnitude of which I had never felt before, or since. There was the time I cried for hours after handing over my daughter to her mother following our first holiday together [ EP Link ]. The time I spent in bewilderment at the change that took over my life [ EP Link ]. The times I thought of the past, and looked back to my diaries to makes sense of everything [ EP Link and EP Link ]. And the most painful of all, the flood of tears I experienced when the veil of numbness lifted over the abortion of my child-to-be [ EP Link ].
That was real pain I had felt during those times. My choice of leaving the marriage had brought change that ripped my whole world apart. Yet I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had to destroy everything I had built over the past 15 years in order to rebuild my life in the direction I wanted it to go, in the process earning myself, and my daughter, a chance to have a normal life.
Beyond those first few months, the emotional pain diminished, but there were always problems. Issues with custody, dealing with the ex, financial difficulties, and even building a new relationship. There was hardly a day absent of struggle. In my writings here, I tended to focus more on the positive aspects of Oppositeland, partly because I am a positive person, but also because I possessed strong hope that things were moving in the right direction, which they were.
Oppositeland is not free of problems. It is free of ONE problem, an important one at that, but all the other difficulties of life are still there, along with added difficulties stemming from separation divorce. The difference is, in a sexless marriage that ONE problem overwhelms everything else and makes it difficult for you to solve the other problems. With that gone, you can deal objectively with problems like job, finance, kids, etc.
At no time after I left my ex did I get an urge to go back. “A prison break” is how I described the separation in one of my stories. Flashbacks here and there vividly remind me of how horrible it was living with her, and in their absence, stacks of my diaries tell me, in my own words, how I felt at the time. Those diaries were crucial because one of the aspects of living in an emotionally abusive relationship is that we tend to cover for them [ EP Link ]. We learn to fake it, to pretend we’re the happy couple, that everything is alright in the marriage. We fake it so well, we end up faking it to ourselves and convincing ourselves that they’re not so bad, after all.
Indeed, I venture that the most abused of us are the first to run back to their exes at the first sign of difficulty in Oppositeland.
One example that comes to mind from among my friends on EP is frspch, who took nearly a year to break free from the abusive co-dependency.
The prison walls grow so familiar, they bring a sense of comfort when faced with the vast unknown just outside.
Coming back to my story, it’s been almost two years since I left. Things are not perfect, and I repeat, no day is free from struggle, but life is overwhelmingly better and I AM happier. My life now has a sense of purpose that was not there before.
When I think about my sexless married past, the one feeling that predominates is hopelessness. During the last few years of my marriage, the lack of hope for improvement motivated much of my behavior. For example I allowed myself to daydream about other women precisely because it was hopeless to dream of a normal home life. Similarly, I lost my motivation for work because I had nothing to look forward to. On a trip out of town, I came close to a one-night stand only to repeatedly turn down a sexy woman who was all over me on the basis that I was “married” [ EP Link ]. Then it hit me – who was I kidding? Married? What does married mean?
Though I was hopeful when I started marriage counseling, the sense of hopelessness quickly intensified as my ex kept adding Sysphian tasks and conditions prior to having sex. I saw my marriage, and my life, going nowhere.
Yes, I have plenty of problems in Oppositeland. I am still in a financial hole, still have to deal with ex about selling the house, am way behind at work, and at times simply feel overwhelmed. But one thing I do have plenty of nowadays is hope. For the first time in years I truly feel like the master of my own destiny and in control of my life’s direction.
There is no going back!
There is a common misconception on here, it seems, that Oppositeland is some sort of magical paradise for people who have left their sexless marriages – a place where everything turns out perfectly. No wonder, then, the disappointments experienced by some of the newly separated. Oppositeland as a paradise is part wishful thinking, part a misreading of what’s written about Oppositeland by people who have made it through. If you are contemplating leaving your sexless marriage, or have recently left, it is important, therefore, to assess what are reasonable expectations of your new life.
Every so often, I go back and re-read my diaries and old EP stories – a habit I recommend to everyone as it helps anchor you and establish a sense of perspective. The truth is, the three months following my separation were difficult indeed. During that time, I experienced emotional pain the magnitude of which I had never felt before, or since. There was the time I cried for hours after handing over my daughter to her mother following our first holiday together [ EP Link ]. The time I spent in bewilderment at the change that took over my life [ EP Link ]. The times I thought of the past, and looked back to my diaries to makes sense of everything [ EP Link and EP Link ]. And the most painful of all, the flood of tears I experienced when the veil of numbness lifted over the abortion of my child-to-be [ EP Link ].
That was real pain I had felt during those times. My choice of leaving the marriage had brought change that ripped my whole world apart. Yet I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had to destroy everything I had built over the past 15 years in order to rebuild my life in the direction I wanted it to go, in the process earning myself, and my daughter, a chance to have a normal life.
Beyond those first few months, the emotional pain diminished, but there were always problems. Issues with custody, dealing with the ex, financial difficulties, and even building a new relationship. There was hardly a day absent of struggle. In my writings here, I tended to focus more on the positive aspects of Oppositeland, partly because I am a positive person, but also because I possessed strong hope that things were moving in the right direction, which they were.
Oppositeland is not free of problems. It is free of ONE problem, an important one at that, but all the other difficulties of life are still there, along with added difficulties stemming from separation divorce. The difference is, in a sexless marriage that ONE problem overwhelms everything else and makes it difficult for you to solve the other problems. With that gone, you can deal objectively with problems like job, finance, kids, etc.
At no time after I left my ex did I get an urge to go back. “A prison break” is how I described the separation in one of my stories. Flashbacks here and there vividly remind me of how horrible it was living with her, and in their absence, stacks of my diaries tell me, in my own words, how I felt at the time. Those diaries were crucial because one of the aspects of living in an emotionally abusive relationship is that we tend to cover for them [ EP Link ]. We learn to fake it, to pretend we’re the happy couple, that everything is alright in the marriage. We fake it so well, we end up faking it to ourselves and convincing ourselves that they’re not so bad, after all.
Indeed, I venture that the most abused of us are the first to run back to their exes at the first sign of difficulty in Oppositeland.
One example that comes to mind from among my friends on EP is frspch, who took nearly a year to break free from the abusive co-dependency.
The prison walls grow so familiar, they bring a sense of comfort when faced with the vast unknown just outside.
Coming back to my story, it’s been almost two years since I left. Things are not perfect, and I repeat, no day is free from struggle, but life is overwhelmingly better and I AM happier. My life now has a sense of purpose that was not there before.
When I think about my sexless married past, the one feeling that predominates is hopelessness. During the last few years of my marriage, the lack of hope for improvement motivated much of my behavior. For example I allowed myself to daydream about other women precisely because it was hopeless to dream of a normal home life. Similarly, I lost my motivation for work because I had nothing to look forward to. On a trip out of town, I came close to a one-night stand only to repeatedly turn down a sexy woman who was all over me on the basis that I was “married” [ EP Link ]. Then it hit me – who was I kidding? Married? What does married mean?
Though I was hopeful when I started marriage counseling, the sense of hopelessness quickly intensified as my ex kept adding Sysphian tasks and conditions prior to having sex. I saw my marriage, and my life, going nowhere.
Yes, I have plenty of problems in Oppositeland. I am still in a financial hole, still have to deal with ex about selling the house, am way behind at work, and at times simply feel overwhelmed. But one thing I do have plenty of nowadays is hope. For the first time in years I truly feel like the master of my own destiny and in control of my life’s direction.
There is no going back!
