Have you changed Who/What you are attracted to?

I can't say that I have a type or I'm attracted to men that look a certain way because I'm attracted to men that look so many different ways. I noticed that as I swipe left or right on tinder, the men I swipe right for all look different.
What I swipe right for has more to do with their education, what the write in their profile, their interests, etc.
Ultimately none of it means a thing and you don't know if you'll like someone or are attracted to them until you meet them. A man's voice is a big turn on for me too. There was a man I went out with twice last November, a very nice man and he liked me a lot but I was not attracted to him. His voice was a turnoff and I knew I would become a refuser. I saw the writing on the wall.
So I told him we weren't a good match.
My FWB when I first met him I did not think he was so handsome but the purpose of the relationship served a purpose, we were both married and outsourcing. However in getting to know him better and caring about him as a friend I think he's very handsome and I'm very attracted to him.
Personality and intelligence go a long way but there has to be attraction, some sort of spark.

I have a funny story:

I'm a huge Steelers fan. So I met this guy online, a Steeler fan too, picture not bad, a bigger guy which I don't mind because I'm a plus size woman, but within reason.
So we agree to meet at a sports bar to watch the Steelers one Sunday afternoon. I get there after him and walk up to a booth with a man that looks like the picture. Not him, he was like: who the hell are you? But he didn't say that. So I see I huge man waving me down and I sit with him. He was breathing heavy while sitting still and all I could think was if I had sex with him I'd probably kill him. Anyway I could tell I was not interested at all so I told him how much I loved football and I can only talk during commercials. I left at halftime.

I agree with the obsessions.
My ex had a lot of obsessions especially baseball.
Next was gambling and scratch off tickets.

I started with "mustn't haves" too -- as I got out and dated (A LOT) I figured out my wants - the qualities I looked for in a partner.  I also learned the things I DIDN'T have to settle for or accept.  It was quite the process.  Dating later in life ... such a story producer!!!  I have so many stories rattling around in my head.

One man I met sat across from me at the restaurant, was pleasant as could be in the beginning.   Told me my "eyelashes" were beautiful (weirdest compliment I ever received, maybe it's all he could see).  I wasn't really "into" him -- he was so gorgeous in his pictures but when he was live, his personality took away from his looks.  He was actually mean to the waitress - I have never met anyone like that before so I was shocked!!!  

Anyway, as the conversation wore on he could see I wasn't into him (I was nice, just not flirting, etc.) plus he asked me, "So what do you think?"  I said, "Well, I am not sure it's a love connection."   He actually got MAD.  He said, "well, clearly this is another waste of time."  "I have my double-wide (no joke) all paid for, but women don't care about that.  Someone could just move right in and we could be happy, but we have to meet and play these games..."  Then he got up and went to the waitress station and asked for his food to go and LEFT!!!  I had to pay for the freaking bill!!  

I was just sitting there like "uhhhhh.......... what is happening right now?"  The waitress came back and said he is the worse customer ever, he meets all his dates there and they mostly all end up like this one.  I just laughed.  I waited till I saw he was good and gone and then left.  

Another man I met I actually kind of liked.  We had date #3 at his house.   His house was scary -- it was a huge, supposed-to-be beautiful house (ritzy) but he was renting it with his son.  It was TRASHED.  A mansion trashed, basically in a high-end neigborhood.   We went to the living room to sit down while dinner that he prepared continued to cook and I saw there were all these legal papers just tossed around on his coffee table, littered among multiple other mail and trash like half-eaten candy bars, etc..  (of course I looked at the papers,  you would too) -- I glanced as fast and as observantly as I could when he left the room -- Holy shit was he in trouble with his ex.  I saw talk about investigations, child endangerment, not paying child support, not cooperating with the legal process (purposely holding it up).  All that flashed before my eyes.  I sat back when I heard him approaching and just felt sick to my stomach.  This was NOT the man he was selling himself to be, like I said this was our third date in a span of a month - with lots of talking, flirting, etc. in text/phone in between.  

So I couldn't go through with the night.  I got a rush of a scared feeling though, like I should handle it carefully.  So I got up to use the restroom, acting normal, grabbed my purse on the way (passed the dining room that had freaking real swords and knives all over it), etc.  I was in the bathroom trying to think of an excuse (peeked in the cupboard under the sink and saw a knife stashed there!!) -- texted my friend to call me.  She called me -- I said I had to go and help her as I was already near the door for an easy escape (I was seriously afraid of getting cornered or something).  

He was taken back and surprised - I was already out the door so not much he could do.  I left.  Driving home I was just shaking.  I may watch too many movies, but that felt like a close call to me.  The next day I texted that it just wasn't a good time for me, take care and be well and blocked him.  

Then I searched him on google.  He had actual news stories written about him that painted him as a horrible person.  He was some big wig once who crashed and burned.  Owned some grocery/co-op and the whole community in which it was located hated him.... I don't know.  Just weird.  

After him I met one other man who I kinda fell for (he was a prison guard, which, I don't know if that had something to do with it or not) but it was another near-scary (well, no, it was actually scary) experience - had the bruise on my arm and everything.  

Those three towards the end were my reason for quitting dating.  

So, I guess I throw out a cautionary tale --- be careful.  Be wise.  

A lot of the situations I got myself into (there are more, actually) were due to me working through who I was and what I truly wanted. 

I still have no regrets - but there are some serious life lessons I learned along the way.  

 

 

I think you are taking about the mental attraction. Your mind can overlook looks and be attracted to who the other person is.

Beauty is far more than skin deep isnt it. I'm scared of saying too much, I'm scared of saying to little, but getting along is key to discovering whether there is that wonderful spark we all need. I love to see the inner beauty in people, and understand their feelings and mannerisms. Sense of humour helps too (I mean I have to look in the mirror after all). I've found incredible attraction in people who dont stand out in the crowd.

But these people who decide whether you are worth bothering with just from a face photo, are mind-blowingly unbelievable. The internet had made that scenario entirely worse IMO. For us sensitive surfers, there are rough waters out there. Thats why I like this forum so much. We are the long distance runners, as we have tolerated something for timescales that most of the 'surface only' brigade couldnt begin to perceive.

And bballgirl, I'm really sorry you missed the second half of the game !

baza, To me it was an amazing thing! It WAS a re-union of people who knew each other really well! It *was* the case at the time! Like you mentioned, thru their writings here, I knew more about these ladies than I've ever known about my ex, or any other women ever in my life! It was only the sight of their faces and sound of their voices along with their uproarus laughter while watching them visit that was missing before.

In fact, two of us arrived the day before and when the other two arrived the next afternoon, we didn't even get their luggage out of their car before we fell into a multi-hour session of visiting, laughing, and telling SM war stories that was only interrupted by going to the dinner that picture was taken at. Only to be followed by hours more talking, laughter, and talking about sex and sexlessness than the rest of the place probably wanted to hear. Ha! Like old, dear friends, we had a blast!

And yes, those ladies are smart, funny and engaging! They definitely are fun to have a few (non-alcoholic for some) brew with and chat.

I'd highly recommend it!