murphysd
New Member
Posts: 10 
Age Range: 66-70
|
Post by murphysd on May 8, 2017 22:33:12 GMT -5
I have been lurking and reading for quite some time. I've posted a couple of responses. Now, I want to tell my story.
I'm 67 years old, still working. I'm a professional with multiple college degrees. We've been married going on 30 years, the last five of which have been sexless. Like many others here, I have gone through a loss of confidence, self-loathing, anger, and angst. I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Rather than an argument, I get a passive/aggressive response. Promises, and then nothing. I'd rather there would be rage than silence. We've been to counseling. She told the counselor that she wants an intimate relationship with me. Nothing ever happens. Like all of you, I'm touch-starved, affection-starved, and sex-starved. We haven't slept in the same room for years. She still prepares these magnificent dinners. We enjoy baseball together, and have terrific discussions about politics and national affairs.
For those of you in my age bracket, I still feel as if I'm 40. I'm still active, and my brain functions just fine. For those who are younger, you will also feel younger when you get into your sixties. For now, I watch porn, read and write sex stories when time allows.
The worst time of all is when I get into bed. I lay there thinking. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel as if no woman would ever want me again. I cannot honestly assess my looks, but I do have a full head of silver hair. While I'm healthy, nobody knows how much time is left to us. On some nights, I hope for something to happen to take me away. On other nights, I want things the way I want them, and I feel so angry that I can barely contain my rage. For financial reasons, separation/divorce is out of the question. Emotionally, I sail from tedium to apathy and back again, with an occasional side trip to despair. I used to have a great sense of humor.
Rationally, I know the alternatives. If the money was there, I'd be gone. I've seriously begun to think about outsourcing. Honestly, I don't have any idea how to go about it. I know how I want to feel: loved and appreciated.
I thank you for allowing me to vent. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 9, 2017 1:22:23 GMT -5
murphysd, I know the silence well. Damn it, at least have the decency to fight with me instead of denying so much as an acknowledgement... I wish none of us were here, but... welcome anyway.
|
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on May 9, 2017 1:55:54 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story. What made your wife decide that it was time to end sex? Menopause? Pain?
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 9, 2017 3:14:40 GMT -5
I see you've put a line through "separating" or "divorcing" Brother murphysd so I'll try and make the case that "cheating" is probably not the greatest idea either. But none the less, I should acknowledge that cheating IS a perfectly valid choice too. The problem with cheating (presuppossing you have someone teed up and willing to join you in such an activity) is that it can spin things off in unforeseeable tangents, most of which put your primary relationship at risk of collapse, and is highly likely to lead to divorce anyway. The most obvious one is you getting caught in this activity, your missus reacting volcanically and divorcing you. Or, your missus catching you, but not divorcing you, but instead making your life a living hell from then on. Or, you meeting the "soulmate" thus necessitating offloading your missus. Or you hooking up with a *bunny boiler* throwing everyone involved lives into turmoil. Then there are the ethics involved in dragging a third party into your dynamic, thus making her part of the deal - and collateral damage when it all goes pear shaped. If you are determined to have a crack at this (perfectly valid) option, you'd do well to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you, so you at least know the stakes you are playing for, and can make some move to minimise the fallout should things go bad. Personally, I don't think it is much of an option. Potentially awfully messy. |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on May 9, 2017 7:16:04 GMT -5
Welcome and Sorry you are here.
You are not alone.
It seems having a normal Sex life with your W is just impossible.
I would nuance your reason for NOT opting for divorce / separation is financial reasons.
Hmm, with respect, I will put pressure on this reasoning.
How much is your Happiness and well being worth in terms of dollars?
Is your stuff / Fortune worth more than your happiness?
Pick A or B:
A: Free, Sex Rich, but money Poor and happy
B: Rich and miserable and having to hide or deny yourself a normal sex/intimacy life
I could be way off. Yes of course all this is none of my business - I am just provoking thought hopefully and no reason is without possible revision.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on May 9, 2017 10:00:47 GMT -5
Hello murphysd,....As the most senior male here I think,(age 68, or is it 69?) I welcome another old luster with a full head of hair. My story isn't as sad as yours. I was only married for 5 sexless years before I finally realized there is no fixing it after such an extended period of draught in the area of intimacy.
My opinion. She told the counselor she wanted an intimate relationship. She's lying. Or perhaps the intimate relationship she wants is with someone/something else. Her actions prove her real intentions. No actions means no desire for intimacy. If she was hungry, she would eat. If she wanted new shoes or earrings she would go shopping. If she wanted sex or intimacy she would ask for it or set about to have her way with you. She has exactly what she wants, a great and amiable room mate in a relationship that gives the appearance to family, friends and associates that all is well. And as long as you enable it to continue, what you have now is all you will have.
You have somewhat ruled out your initiating divorce. You have thought of outsourcing but don't know how to approach it. There are plenty of sites on the internet that offer NSA for sex. Realistically though, I would propose your best chance of bedding a different woman is either one of your W's friends or if you socialize with a group you might start flirting with a couple of the women and see if they flirt back.
But outsourcing is a perilous endeavor should your W find out and go ballistic. You might approach your W from a "don't ask, don't tell" standpoint. If she cares so little about intimacy she might agree, but it's unlikely. This approach also has it's downside. She will know you are thinking of going elsewhere. As a last ditch effort to save my marriage I suggested it, my having a FWB, but my now X would not allow it. So divorce was the answer for me. If finances make divorce out of the question for you, it might also be out of the question for her, so a deal just might be possible with her. Just a thought.
At our age statistics I have read tell us most women are not having sex. It's a matter of hormones or no partner or health issues or it's just not worth the effort. Whatever the cause, women our age aren't having much sex. Having been on a dating site for 18 months I agree with the statistics. I have only met a few that are interested in more than a platonic friendship. The ladies here are the exception to the statistics. So it is possible to find women who are still interested, but in my experience it isn't easy.
One last thought, if you can save up a couple hundred dollars periodically you can always employ the services of a pro. That is always a sure thing.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 16:10:01 GMT -5
I have been lurking and reading for quite some time. I've posted a couple of responses. Now, I want to tell my story.
I'm 67 years old, still working. I'm a professional with multiple college degrees. We've been married going on 30 years, the last five of which have been sexless. Like many others here, I have gone through a loss of confidence, self-loathing, anger, and angst. I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Rather than an argument, I get a passive/aggressive response. Promises, and then nothing. I'd rather there would be rage than silence. We've been to counseling. She told the counselor that she wants an intimate relationship with me. Nothing ever happens. Like all of you, I'm touch-starved, affection-starved, and sex-starved. We haven't slept in the same room for years. She still prepares these magnificent dinners. We enjoy baseball together, and have terrific discussions about politics and national affairs.
For those of you in my age bracket, I still feel as if I'm 40. I'm still active, and my brain functions just fine. For those who are younger, you will also feel younger when you get into your sixties. For now, I watch porn, read and write sex stories when time allows.
The worst time of all is when I get into bed. I lay there thinking. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel as if no woman would ever want me again. I cannot honestly assess my looks, but I do have a full head of silver hair. While I'm healthy, nobody knows how much time is left to us. On some nights, I hope for something to happen to take me away. On other nights, I want things the way I want them, and I feel so angry that I can barely contain my rage. For financial reasons, separation/divorce is out of the question. Emotionally, I sail from tedium to apathy and back again, with an occasional side trip to despair. I used to have a great sense of humor.
Rationally, I know the alternatives. If the money was there, I'd be gone. I've seriously begun to think about outsourcing. Honestly, I don't have any idea how to go about it. I know how I want to feel: loved and appreciated.
I thank you for allowing me to vent. Sorry to read your story. I can tell you that as long as you accept her as a refuser, she will keep on refusing. As to her statements to the counselor, she is full of shit, and the counselor should be calling her on it. I have been separated from my refuser for over a year now and I have filed for divorce. My entire story is here or on my blog (link is below). I can tell you that my situation started to improve when I stopped trying to figure out why she was refusing and started trying to figure out why I was accepting it. |
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on May 9, 2017 18:34:38 GMT -5
I have been lurking and reading for quite some time. I've posted a couple of responses. Now, I want to tell my story.
I'm 67 years old, still working. I'm a professional with multiple college degrees. We've been married going on 30 years, the last five of which have been sexless. Like many others here, I have gone through a loss of confidence, self-loathing, anger, and angst. I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Rather than an argument, I get a passive/aggressive response. Promises, and then nothing. I'd rather there would be rage than silence. We've been to counseling. She told the counselor that she wants an intimate relationship with me. Nothing ever happens. Like all of you, I'm touch-starved, affection-starved, and sex-starved. We haven't slept in the same room for years. She still prepares these magnificent dinners. We enjoy baseball together, and have terrific discussions about politics and national affairs.
For those of you in my age bracket, I still feel as if I'm 40. I'm still active, and my brain functions just fine. For those who are younger, you will also feel younger when you get into your sixties. For now, I watch porn, read and write sex stories when time allows.
The worst time of all is when I get into bed. I lay there thinking. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel as if no woman would ever want me again. I cannot honestly assess my looks, but I do have a full head of silver hair. While I'm healthy, nobody knows how much time is left to us. On some nights, I hope for something to happen to take me away. On other nights, I want things the way I want them, and I feel so angry that I can barely contain my rage. For financial reasons, separation/divorce is out of the question. Emotionally, I sail from tedium to apathy and back again, with an occasional side trip to despair. I used to have a great sense of humor.
Rationally, I know the alternatives. If the money was there, I'd be gone. I've seriously begun to think about outsourcing. Honestly, I don't have any idea how to go about it. I know how I want to feel: loved and appreciated.
I thank you for allowing me to vent. Sorry to read your story. I can tell you that as long as you accept her as a refuser, she will keep on refusing. As to her statements to the counselor, she is full of shit, and the counselor should be calling her on it. I have been separated from my refuser for over a year now and I have filed for divorce. My entire story is here or on my blog (link is below). I can tell you that my situation started to improve when I stopped trying to figure out why she was refusing and started trying to figure out why I was accepting it. PERFECTLY PUT flashjohn! There are so many reasons we end up where we are. The truth comes when we start to look in the mirror and recognize our deep issues that keep us in a sexless relationship to begin with. It's a path I've been on for nearly 3 years and I have learned so much about myself. You deserve to be loved the way you need to feel loved. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. She deserves the same, and marriage should be a give and take, not one sided. Refusers don't have any CLUE how/what/why sex could be so important. Trauma tends to be an overwhelming theme that attacks our most basic, physical needs. I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, but I am also glad you found yourself here. Vent away! It's a wonderful community of peers who get it. |
|
|
|
Post by orangepeel on May 10, 2017 3:34:12 GMT -5
I have been lurking and reading for quite some time. I've posted a couple of responses. Now, I want to tell my story.
I'm 67 years old, still working. I'm a professional with multiple college degrees. We've been married going on 30 years, the last five of which have been sexless. Like many others here, I have gone through a loss of confidence, self-loathing, anger, and angst. I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Rather than an argument, I get a passive/aggressive response. Promises, and then nothing. I'd rather there would be rage than silence. We've been to counseling. She told the counselor that she wants an intimate relationship with me. Nothing ever happens. Like all of you, I'm touch-starved, affection-starved, and sex-starved. We haven't slept in the same room for years. She still prepares these magnificent dinners. We enjoy baseball together, and have terrific discussions about politics and national affairs.
For those of you in my age bracket, I still feel as if I'm 40. I'm still active, and my brain functions just fine. For those who are younger, you will also feel younger when you get into your sixties. For now, I watch porn, read and write sex stories when time allows.
The worst time of all is when I get into bed. I lay there thinking. I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel as if no woman would ever want me again. I cannot honestly assess my looks, but I do have a full head of silver hair. While I'm healthy, nobody knows how much time is left to us. On some nights, I hope for something to happen to take me away. On other nights, I want things the way I want them, and I feel so angry that I can barely contain my rage. For financial reasons, separation/divorce is out of the question. Emotionally, I sail from tedium to apathy and back again, with an occasional side trip to despair. I used to have a great sense of humor.
Rationally, I know the alternatives. If the money was there, I'd be gone. I've seriously begun to think about outsourcing. Honestly, I don't have any idea how to go about it. I know how I want to feel: loved and appreciated.
I thank you for allowing me to vent. I'm the same as you. The only difference is that I'm 50. Apart from that I'm in the same boat as you. I know it's not as good as being in a vagina, but it's nice to know there are others in the boat. |
|
