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Post by nolongerlonely on May 8, 2017 3:39:36 GMT -5
Thanks hopingforchange, I laughed out loud when I read the vaginal worship comment, brilliant. I'd be happy to come and celebrate !
Sister merrygoround, you really missed out on the response to the pizza ; ''what, like our sex life, pick it up once a year, its all done in 5 minutes and doesnt even taste very nice, no thanks, you have the pizza, I'm off for a 4 course lunch''
:-)
I'm really sorry by the way, just wanted you to see the lighter side
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Post by merrygoround on May 8, 2017 3:55:19 GMT -5
Hahaha well if we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time....!!! x
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Post by lwoetin on May 8, 2017 5:09:45 GMT -5
You need a break, some time with your mom to heal. Then head back to your family. The marriage must be in really bad shape to fear coming back. I'm probably overprotective of my kids, but I don't want to let them go even when they graduate from high school, especially my daughter. That's only in 2 years!
You are coming up with an exit plan. Stay strong. There's nothing wrong with pizza for mother's day, but he should prepare it. My wife likes to buy the crust and then put her own ingredients. I don't cook much, but I can do that with the kids on mother's day so she can take a break. She would not be afraid to suggest that to me. Would you be afraid to tell your husband "it's mother's day, please prepare dinner" or other requests? And if he says no, cook nothing for him.
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Post by merrygoround on May 8, 2017 6:51:21 GMT -5
I would only want to return for the kids - not to see/be with him. Yes, it has been noted that he does nothing around here - never really has in 23 years together (over 20 married). Fair enough, we kind of adopted traditional roles when I stopped working to raise the kids and so he could climb the career ladder, but he retired early in his late 40s! Yes, I'm aware I should have said something many times. I'd rather just get on and get it out of the way really now. He's gonna find it tough though - even asked me if I could leave recipes behind and to help him understand the washing machine?!?! Anyway yes, a plan is forming in my head and I'm really looking forward to going back to stay with my folks for a bit. Rest my brain. I'm also researching some adult education classes to brush up on some skills.  |
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Post by WindSister on May 8, 2017 9:13:07 GMT -5
I hope you really do get to get away, Merry. For a good long time, too. A week? Two? From experience, that away time made things even more clear in my mind I needed out. Space between you and your home/him will offer new insights. Wishing you the best and some REST!
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Post by hopingforachange on May 8, 2017 14:57:31 GMT -5
Oh, it is no joking matter, head my warning. If I every had a partner that let me, she would be raw for mouths and months.
😉😛😋
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Post by JMX on May 8, 2017 23:33:09 GMT -5
In the context of an ILIASM shithole, "Zipcode therapy" has a lot going for it. Permanent zipcode therapy is best, where you permanently change your zipcode from that of your avoidant spouse. But temporary zipcode therapy is also good. An opportunity to really think through stuff whilst temporarily away from the poisonous atmosphere of an ILIASM shithole. If you've got a chance to get away for a while Sister merrygoround , take it. Grab it with both hands. - I am sad that you are going through such a hard time. What baza says is correct IMHO. Tell your kids sparingly little about the why - because, it doesn't really matter (or so we say here). And it REALLY doesn't to them. They will come to their own conclusions and those will either line up with your world view, or they won't. I don't know about you - but mine have very different personalities and responses to stress and happiness - because... they're not me. I am happy about that. Truly. I won't ruin their path with my moments of martyrdom. That was MY choice, not theirs. I think Baz handled it perfectly, and it sounds like you will too. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 8, 2017 23:37:36 GMT -5
Thanks so much JMX. Yes, you're right. Choices so key - but now I am stronger in wanting to make that choice for me and hope that all the upbringing and love and support towards them up to now has helped them form an open view to understanding at some point. Finding lots of courage here! x
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Post by lwoetin on May 9, 2017 1:44:39 GMT -5
I would only want to return for the kids - not to see/be with him. Yes, it has been noted that he does nothing around here - never really has in 23 years together (over 20 married). Fair enough, we kind of adopted traditional roles when I stopped working to raise the kids and so he could climb the career ladder, but he retired early in his late 40s! Yes, I'm aware I should have said something many times. I'd rather just get on and get it out of the way really now. He's gonna find it tough though - even asked me if I could leave recipes behind and to help him understand the washing machine?!?! Anyway yes, a plan is forming in my head and I'm really looking forward to going back to stay with my folks for a bit. Rest my brain. I'm also researching some adult education classes to brush up on some skills. You could leave him a cookbook and the manual to the washing machine. That would solve all his problems, right? Definitely get your career jump-started. Your kids are grown. You've done plenty for them. My kids are dual citizens so a separation would be complicated for me. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 9, 2017 15:24:48 GMT -5
Right - I shall update here as tbh, my postings here and on this forum detail for me chronological events. For one reason - he has the ability to make me second guess myself, even to think I am going mad. Despite finally admitting that desire pretty much dropped right out for him over 18 years ago, he has now flat out denied ever saying this. What??? It's here shortly after it was said. It was recounted pretty much verbatim to my parents and my closest friend. Nope, apparently he didn't say that - it was what I "wanted to hear" and I am mistaken. Oh and the fact that it was around 5 times in 2015 and 2016? Well when he phoned my mum today, he said that was utter rubbish and that of course, like any other couple we have had "issues" from time to time, but sometimes it was four times a week. FOUR TIMES A WEEK?  ? WTF. Who was that with?!?! Lol utterly gobmacked. But more than that, getting bloody worried now that not only does he make me think I'm going crazy, but he might actually BE crazy! I just don't know what to make of this whatsoever. I had a doc appointment this morning to renew a prescription. She's a lovely doc and obviously is his doc too. She asked me how things were and I explained we are heading for divorce now and I will shortly be going away for a break, calm my head and get some space. Well, H asked how it went. And all hell broke loose. How dare I speak about issues concerning us without him there. I was there for his appt - uh hello? You asked me to be there. You wouldn't go otherwise. I didn't want you at mine is all. She asked, I answered. There is such a thing at patient/doctor confidentiality. But no, the anger was off the charts - how could I speak to someone who he will have to see in the future when I'm not there and she will make judgements on him. Whaaaaattt??? I told him I cannot keep having this argument about what he did actually say and keep denying. I cannot keep having an argument about the appointments we didn't have for counselling as he didn't bloody want to go. Never saw the point. I wasn't going to keep rehashing 20 plus years of crap. To be accused of trashing everything - really? By wanting to be happy and mentally healthy by not being married to him anymore? The kids came out of that. We did some good stuff, yes. But to carry on like this I will have to be drugged out like a zombie to not feel anything. I told him no more as I was close to disliking him at this point and we did agree to be friendly. A while later preparing lunch, he said sorry and wanted a hug. That he wanted to be friends. Sorry, I know I probably go to much into every single detail. It's mainly so, as I said, I document it for me but also to let it out. If he doesn't make me crazy enough with this, not talking about it will. |
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Post by baza on May 9, 2017 19:48:04 GMT -5
One of your best defences against being driven crackers by this bullshit is by journaling - which you are doing de-facto style with your postings in here Sister merrygoround (I still have my journals from March 1999 through to March 2011 which are a reminder of what I was thinking in real life and real time during that tumultuous period of my life. The mind has a tendency to 'forget' just what a fuck up things were back in the day, but the journal doesn't lie. It's all there, every painful bit of it, raw, painful and REAL) However, that your spouse now wants to engage in revisionist history, and re-write the facts, is very much a sidebar to the main game. If that's what he wants to do, there is nothing much you can do about it. It is not a matter under your control. YOU know what the facts are, and that's all that matters. There is not a lot of point in you wasting time energy and resources in mounting a rebuttal arguement to his bullshit. Your focus really needs to be on the main game here. Everything else is a sidebar. Unfortunately there is probably worse to come here. Avoidant spouses tend to empty the gun at you in the end stages, engaging in anything to try and halt proceedings and buy a bit more time. You are likely to have to deal with him trying out anger, manipulation, withdrawal, getting in your face, emotional blackmail, using the kids, all the way through to pathetic leg clinging as this unfolds. You can handle it. It won't be any fun, but you can handle it. |
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Post by unmatched on May 9, 2017 19:53:44 GMT -5
merrygoround it sounds like his primary concern is not with you, or the relationship, or the truth, but with maintaining some kind of picture of himself in his head (and preferably in other people's minds too) that he can continue to feel good about. I guess that is kind of normal - we all do it to some extent. But he seems to be verging on desperate. If you are looking for a resolution where both of you can more or less agree on the truth of your situation and move forwards based on that, you might have a hard road ahead of you. If you are more or less resolved to leaving you might be better off trying to 'manage' him instead.
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Post by shamwow on May 10, 2017 15:12:02 GMT -5
I've been trying to research how to talk to older kids about marriage breakdowns, divorce. It's pretty rough on them and even though they are supposedly "adults" how it affects them. My twins are 19 and my youngest 18. Theyre not blind or stupid - they see me upset and not myself a lot of the time lately. I don't honestly think it will come as a massive shock to them. We've agreed that when we talk with them about it, we will do it together with the minimum of private details and with no blame. Any questions I suppose we shall field in much the same way. Anyone here have experience having this conversation with older kids? My daughter isn't as old as yours (16 1/2), but the biggest surprise to me was how much she actually sees. One morning soon after we told the kids, I took her out for a motorcycle ride and we had breakfast. One question I had for her was if she was surprised. Her answer boiled down to something like "I was surprised you guys told us that day, but you and mom haven't kissed since we moved to the new house (2011)." In truth, it had been longer, but she has noticed since at least age 10 that things were not rosy. And my daughter is a few years younger than your kids. You're almost certainly right it won't be a shock. The only advice I can give is to keep the information you give them to a minimum. In our case, "mom and dad just grew apart and have nothing in common anymore". They don't need to know about the sexless / loveless nature of your relationship (frankly, it's none of their business and serves no purpose). As they get older and you and your husband have parted ways, you might want to give them more information so they can try to avoid the same misfortune in their own relationships. Maybe you go visit a friend for a few days. Let your husband feed the kids. |
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Post by northstarmom on May 13, 2017 22:23:32 GMT -5
It's mother's day here today and I am up a the crack of dawn. Been crying a lot lately - woke up in tears. Will pull it together as best I can for the kids. I'm going to be making a nice lunch (hey, home and food is what I "do"). H suggested going to buy a couple frozen pizzas from the supermarket so I didn't have to cook. Wow. I'd be the one shoving them in the oven anyway. What a special mother's day lunch that would be. So I shall lovingly prepare a tasty meal from scratch - daughter wants to make a dessert. That will be nice, company in the kitchen. I feel myself spiralling downwards. I want out so badly. I was on the phone to my mother yesterday and she's been phoning me regularly this week. She hears the sadness in my voice. I crack, I can't hide. She's told me to sort out my passport renewal and get over there asap for a break. She's worried about me. He wanders around and I'm trying not to scream at him. He expects me to get over everything he has said, draw a line under it and carry on. I can't. I find myself hiding away because I am just so bloody angry. I dont think I even like him much anymore. The kids are noticing so much now. They keep asking what is wrong. I'm not the same. It's making me ill. I can see it in their faces - they ask me what it is. I can't keep excusing it with "oh, silly hormones", "haven't slept well lately", "bloody headache won't go", "just been so busy and I'm super tired". I need that break, I really do. Before I break. Returning here will be so hard, though. You do have more choices than you're realizing now. You could even choose to have pizza delivered or you could declare that since it's Mother's Day, it's your time to be waited on hand and foot. Even if your husband doesn't go along, you could encourage your kids to do this, and especially if they're young, your kids probably would get a kick out of doing that. And, it could start a tradition of their pampering you on your special day. We do teach others what's acceptable for their treatment of us. Do give yourself a special day. There's nothing wrong in telling your family what you want or -- if they are reluctant -- taking the steps to give yourself the best day you can have even if it means treating yourself to a restaurant lunch with a friend. Hoping you'll have happiness on Mother's Day. |
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Post by merrygoround on May 14, 2017 2:29:47 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom . Our mothers day was last Sunday here - and the kids made me feel very special. A sweet gift and the loveliest words from each in a card. I keep those! Wishing you and all the other mums here a wonderful day xx |
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? WTF. Who was that with?!?! Lol utterly gobmacked. But more than that, getting bloody worried now that not only does he make me think I'm going crazy, but he might actually BE crazy! I just don't know what to make of this whatsoever.
