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Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2017 9:47:27 GMT -5
My youngest daughter is now 13. She is beginning to want to sleep over friends houses. My controlling wife has been against it . Now that the kids are teens reality is hitting that she might have to give up "some" of her control. I've always thought that sleep overs would be okay. Life is a big risk. You can "what if "yourself into a cave, or you can "what if "about all the positive things that life brings. I choose more of the positive.
My wife tells my daughters, "I want to meet the parents". Then she says, "I want to know the parents". Does anyone else see the broad range of manipulation, and control that gives one person? Imagine when one of those other parents says, "no I don't want her over here, her parents are divorced".
I am more of a mindset, that I want to meet the parents too. . However, I want them to know who their child is having over, and that their child is just as welcome over our house. That we as families can also do things together, and possibly just us adults can have some time together. I also want to express my gratitude. I am much more open to risk. I see positive, my wife sees negative.
In my case, what's going to happen is when the kids are with me they are going to have a social life. When they are with their mom, they will have to hide it. Sad isn't it.
I could keep going...... All feedback welcome.
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 3, 2017 19:23:47 GMT -5
My kids had sleepovers at much younger than 13. There had generally been playdates etc first so I had gotten to know the parents a bit.
If you know your child, you need to let go
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Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2017 20:59:23 GMT -5
What's the worst that can happen?
A parent or the other child or a sibling tries sexual advances.
Someone at the other household or the child offers your teen alcohol or drugs.
The other teen has access to porn or 17 and over apps.
All this can happen anywhere, school, bus, church, sport teams, neighbors houses, etc....
Welcome to the real world.
Meeting the parents isn't going to give you a guarantee that these things still won't happen? Does it?
What does seem guaranteed is that your teens will grow up isolated, and have zero social skills when it comes time to enter the real world.
Good luck convincing my W. about that.
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Post by shamwow on May 11, 2017 14:53:01 GMT -5
My kids have been sleeping over at friend's houses and friends at ours since about age 8.
I've only had one parent want to meet me, and it was recently. The reason why was because her son had received a concussion the day before and wanted to make sure they took it easy. Fair enough on that one and I totally get it.
Your wife sounds worse than mine in the "protective detail" department. If you don't let them grow up, they will hit their "freedom" age and then all bets are off.
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Post by lyn on May 11, 2017 19:32:36 GMT -5
This really is too bad greatcoastal. As you know, kids of all ages need to learn to take risks and be given the opportunity to think for themselves and make some decisions. Once a child becomes a teen, it's equally if not more important for this autonomy to start taking shape. Taking risks (sleepovers, drivers license, applying for jobs, dating etc) are what helps to complete the self esteem and self confidence that the home environment / parenting has already started. Parents cannot do it all and shouldn't even try. It's detrimental to the well-being of our little ones as we guide them to adulthood. If a child/teen is unable to take any risks for whatever reason (in your case, your stbx's stance), self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, etc., will be far from formed once they reach adulthood. It's really hard for a kid to get out into the world, college, work, basic adulting, without these tools needed to be successful. What you get with a half-cooked young adult upon big, bad world entry is an anxious, easily depressed child in an adults' body that has two strikes against them towards success. Day-to-day life will be far more difficult than it needs to be. My guess is your stbx wants to control these apron strings just like she attempts to control everything else in HER life. It WILL backfire in her face. I now you know all of this GC. The only thing you can do (cuz it seems she's impossible to deal with), is give these crucial opportunities to your kids during YOUR time with them. They need to make their own decisions (some of the time). They need to take risks. They also need to be given the opportunity to fail, otherwise they won't learn, and they won't cultivate their own life standards and self- respect (and all the other good things every happy human needs). Super difficult situation.......sigh. Thank God the children have YOU! |
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Post by nolongerlonely on May 12, 2017 5:22:41 GMT -5
Its all very sad to read. But Lyn is right, thank goodness they have you !
Kids need other kids, end of. Her control will no doubt backfire at her, just as it did for my W. Fortunately I was there when that happened (daughter aged 15) so I could deal with the fallout, and help her to continue developing as a young adult.
Almost 10 years later, our bond as father/daughter is extremely strong. I'm sure yours will be just the same.
My advice, well your stbx needs to think back to being a kid. How did she feel when or if the parents interfered with her relationships with the other kids. Not great I suspect. Nothing has changed
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Post by wewbwb on May 12, 2017 16:19:08 GMT -5
I'll admit that after reading the title of the thread, I was disappointed in the content.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2017 17:19:32 GMT -5
I'll admit that after reading the title of the thread, I was disappointed in the content. LOL!! Yes,, the title could lead to a much more , um... "interesting" conversation! I put it in the parenting section because it's an ongoing concern. Hopefully divorce will have an impact on it. Most likely I'll be meeting other divorced mom's as well, so who knows?? maybe other moms who live in a SM? |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2017 21:22:18 GMT -5
Its all very sad to read. But Lyn is right, thank goodness they have you ! Kids need other kids, end of. Her control will no doubt backfire at her, just as it did for my W. Fortunately I was there when that happened (daughter aged 15) so I could deal with the fallout, and help her to continue developing as a young adult. Almost 10 years later, our bond as father/daughter is extremely strong. I'm sure yours will be just the same. My advice, well your stbx needs to think back to being a kid. How did she feel when or if the parents interfered with her relationships with the other kids. Not great I suspect. Nothing has changed I appreciate your advice. Looking back my W. didn't have friends for sleepovers. She was a bookworm, and had an older brother and sister much older than her. Making her to be more like an only child. Not something she can appreciate or relate to. So, again , back to her, "my way only, and over controling everything". |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 29, 2017 21:36:11 GMT -5
My daughter approached me tonight and brought up sleepovers. Now that it's summer time, and she made new friends with her big change to public school 2 months ago. She is already waiting for the divorce so I will allow her friends over ,and her to spend the nights with her friends.
They still want me to explain the "why?" about mom's no sleep over rules. Well...I really can't. I hardly understand it myself! When I tell them some of their mom's "fears/concerns" they can very quickly rationalize it and debunk my W's logic. Tonight they said to me, "all those things that "could" happen... they could all happen during the day when I go over their house for 7 hrs.!" Then the older one said, "when my friend came over, mom didn't even see us. We spent the whole time in my room and in the bathroom. We talk on our phones ,and we put make up on each other. Moms gone off to work, and comes home and sits in her chair, she doesn't even know where here".
They went on to say, "mom sent us off to AHG camp without even meeting those people, she didn't know any of them, and we were a lot younger". And, "our brothers got to go boy scout camping with men that mom never met, and they where younger than us". .....All true.
My older daughter mentioned a friend of hers. She said, "my friend has told me about her dad. Her dad drinks, a lot. So I would much rather have her over here at our house, and she would rather be over here. But I'm not going to ask her because of mom's attitude". I then tell her, "you're right we should have her at our house, and you should feel like your friends are safe and welcome."
What I don't say, and they know it ,is "after the divorce, my house ,my rules, are going to be different from the way things have been". And I think they will like it much better, and we will get along just fine.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2017 8:20:11 GMT -5
My kids have been sleeping over at friend's houses and friends at ours since about age 8. I've only had one parent want to meet me, and it was recently. The reason why was because her son had received a concussion the day before and wanted to make sure they took it easy. Fair enough on that one and I totally get it. Your wife sounds worse than mine in the "protective detail" department. If you don't let them grow up, they will hit their "freedom" age and then all bets are off. You are correct about the freedom age. All 4 of my older boys have their licences. Once that happened, then came the "control" of , "mom, can I use your car?" she would say, Where are you going? With who? what time will you be back? How far away is it? Is your school work done? Don't let anyone else drive my car...and on, and on........ With the licences came the job. That gives them cash too. Then comes the freedom. They had to buy their own computers. They bought their own games. Mom has no more control. There is also zero communication with mom from my sons, unless they still need something from her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2017 8:57:27 GMT -5
This really is too bad greatcoastal . As you know, kids of all ages need to learn to take risks and be given the opportunity to think for themselves and make some decisions. Once a child becomes a teen, it's equally if not more important for this autonomy to start taking shape. Taking risks (sleepovers, drivers license, applying for jobs, dating etc) are what helps to complete the self esteem and self confidence that the home environment / parenting has already started. Parents cannot do it all and shouldn't even try. It's detrimental to the well-being of our little ones as we guide them to adulthood. If a child/teen is unable to take any risks for whatever reason (in your case, your stbx's stance), self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect, etc., will be far from formed once they reach adulthood. It's really hard for a kid to get out into the world, college, work, basic adulting, without these tools needed to be successful. What you get with a half-cooked young adult upon big, bad world entry is an anxious, easily depressed child in an adults' body that has two strikes against them towards success. Day-to-day life will be far more difficult than it needs to be. My guess is your stbx wants to control these apron strings just like she attempts to control everything else in HER life. It WILL backfire in her face. I now you know all of this GC. The only thing you can do (cuz it seems she's impossible to deal with), is give these crucial opportunities to your kids during YOUR time with them. They need to make their own decisions (some of the time). They need to take risks. They also need to be given the opportunity to fail, otherwise they won't learn, and they won't cultivate their own life standards and self- respect (and all the other good things every happy human needs). Super difficult situation.......sigh. Thank God the children have YOU! Thanks a bunch Lyn! All this manipulative control, chips away at my self esteem. It demoralizes my character, it sucks all the fun out of life, and makes all the logic of kids needing experiences with other friends, go out the window. Instead my mind gets filled with, you don't care enough, you don't try hard enough, you don't care about their safety, you don't enforce anything, you can't make decisions, you don't really love your children like she does, you are a lazy terrible father, every parent would want to know everything about who their kids stay with, you don't care what their minds will be filled with by all the terrible things out their in the world, etc..... (so much of this is tied into the homeschool issue as well) I may know all this....the advantages to having friends and taking risks and giving them the tools and opportunities to be successful, but my STBX is one huge giant barrier. It's such a relief when she is out of the house! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 1, 2017 22:29:25 GMT -5
Our sleepover fiasco took another turn! My daughters where pressing their mom to "explain herself" (not easy for a 13 yr old with learning disabilities dealing with a manipulative controller!) My daughter basically said, "well dad's going to allow it after the divorce, I guess we'll get to go then? My STBX said back to her, "hopefully your dad will check with me first, and get my approval before having anyone over his house or letting you go anywhere". Then comes all the hypocrisy, double standards, about her rules!
I then heard their mom say" I only got to speak with her mom for an hour, I need to know a lot more about her". She then asked my daughter, "what do you expect me to do, go see her right now?" my daughter very reluctantly, in a soft tone ,hesitantly, said, "well...yea...sort of,..... when are you going to?" I am in the kitchen thinking" YES, yes, yes,.... that's what our daughters want! They've been begging, bargaining, whining, pleading with you, before school got out!!" As her dad that's what I would be doing, because it's important to them!
I was in the kitchen preparing dinner during all this. I said to myself under my breath, "the hell with that!, doesn't she wish! Hell no I won't! Ugh, hello??? That's why where getting divorced!"
I find myself cursing more than ever before (in my mind) as I relate to my STBX.
I also wait for the day when my STBX encounters another Narc. who grills her with questions, and immediately decides, "no, our kids are not allowed over their house!"
A day later I heard one daughter tell another, "mom said something once about a bad experience she had when she was younger, but she won't talk much about it".
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