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Post by doneanddone on May 2, 2017 13:48:44 GMT -5
Does anyone ever feel that intimacy is on the over rated side of SM? I get the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus b.s. We as humans, especially opposite sex humans, see, feel, think differently about EVERYTHING. Just because I like chocolate isn't the same reason my wife likes chocolate but we both like chocolate. She wants the hold my hand, rub my back, cuddle with me intimacy, which I have tried, attempted, gone the extra mile to go out of my way to do but yet here I am in a SM. Multiple reason but the wanting more intimacy from her point of view is another on the list of reasons why we don't have sex. She doesn't feel a closeness, she doesn't feel comfortable with her body, too tired, stresses....so on so forth. But when it comes to the intimacy reason, it is a rather weak and outdated reason to throw up on the wall and hope it sticks. Do you remember those kid toy octopus that you would throw on the wall and it would take like forever to crawl its way down just so you could throw it on the wall again but after time you would throw it on the wall and it would just bounce off because the stickiness had worn off. That's what I feel about the intimacy clause in my SM. It shouldn't even be on the table as a reason to withhold sex. I mean look at it from the simplest view point. Sex in and of itself is being intimate with someone. The physical act is as close to someone as you can get. And if anyone wants to compare holding hands, back rubs, foot massages, cuddling to getting oral, having intercourse, hand stimulation and orgasm, I'm sure there is an opinion to be had but all in all both sides of the equation there is physical contact. So if her definition of "intimacy" is some form of physical contact but I am not offering her the exact physical contact she is asking for BUT I am offering physical contact and she refuses it, that is all on her not me. It would be like if you went to your favorite steak restaurant and asked them for your favorite steak and they said they were out but had 15 other steaks to offer you. Would you refuse their steaks and never return to the restaurant or would you order one of the other steaks simply because you were in the mood for steak and it didn't matter which one you got as long as it came from your favorite restaurant. Sex is the steak, we the denied are the restaurant, and our refusers are the ones ordering. They say they like steak, want steak, but if it's not the steak they want when they want it and how they want it, don't bother offering. As the matter of fact they get upset when we ask them if they want steak. In this analogy, the customer is not always right and me being the restaurant owner and manager I feel like I can kick anyone out of my place that is being a disruptive customer and advertise to new customers who will appreciate my steaks.
Just my humble opinion but my wife's perspective of what she considers intimacy is complete and utter bullshit and holds no more weight a cup of air.
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Post by h on May 2, 2017 14:02:39 GMT -5
The only time I ever got through was when I cut the menu down to one steak only. I tried to provide a varied menu but she never wanted the steak I wanted to serve. Once everything else was off the menu, she started to see the value of trying the steak once in a while.
Funny how we see these words and analogies so differently than our spouses would. (I would love to be treated like a piece of meat.)
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 14:09:31 GMT -5
Unfortunately, they don't see it as steak but as some sort of maggot infested, rotten, spoiled meat.
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Post by bballgirl on May 2, 2017 14:15:52 GMT -5
If a restaurant no longer served a bone in ribeye then it's not where I'm going for steak anymore. If I have to I will cook my own ribeye but I'm not ordering a cut of meat I don't like or am attracted to.
It's up to the restaurant to attract me.
How's this for an analogy:
A Sexless Marriage is like the best restaurant in town beautiful linens, flatware, ambiance and music in the restaurant, friendliest host and food servers, they seat you at the table but there's no food to fill your stomach.
A SM is like that no intimacy and affection to feed your heart and soul.
Longhorns better never take that ribeye off their menu!
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on May 2, 2017 14:18:39 GMT -5
I guess our spouses are just vegetarians 😱
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2017 14:24:47 GMT -5
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Post by h on May 2, 2017 14:25:11 GMT -5
For me, the sex is the intimacy. Without it, the feeling of closeness just isn't there. The nonsexual touch is nice also but not in place of the sex. Without the sex, all nonsexual touch feels like torture to me.
In those longer dry spells, I feel like I'm starving for a steak that I can only get from her and all I can get by myself are some stale saltine crackers. Just enough to survive on, one handful at a time (pun intended). The nonsexual touch at this point is her waving the steak in my starving face and then throwing it away.
Now I'm actually hungry. Dinner is too far away.
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Post by doneanddone on May 2, 2017 14:58:22 GMT -5
If a restaurant no longer served a bone in ribeye then it's not where I'm going for steak anymore. If I have to I will cook my own ribeye but I'm not ordering a cut of meat I don't like or am attracted to. It's up to the restaurant to attract me. How's this for an analogy: A Sexless Marriage is like the best restaurant in town beautiful linens, flatware, ambiance and music in the restaurant, friendliest host and food servers, they seat you at the table but there's no food to fill your stomach. A SM is like that no intimacy and affection to feed your heart and soul. Longhorns better never take that ribeye off their menu! "If a restaurant no longer served a bone in ribeye then it's not where I'm going for steak anymore" That's my point, I never stopped serving the bone in rib-eye. The steak my wife wants doesn't exist and hasn't been on the menu since ever. She made the decision to stop ordering whats on the menu and went rogue and has been trying to order things that aren't on the menu. When she first stopped ordering her steak, I made a conscious effort to get her the steak she wanted or anything she tried to order. I went out of my way to try and give her what she ordered but she still refused it....said it was too cold, said it was over done, said she waited to long for it, whatever the reason was her M.O. has always been deny, deny, deny no matter what was put in front of her. We've probably all seen it, that one person in the store at the customer service counter or in a restaurant that no matter how kind and nice the manager tries to treat them and deescalate an already hostile and tense situation they are going to make a spectacle of the situation and everyone standing/sitting around is looking like - "Damn, poor manager. He/She is doing everything for this rude ass customer but this jackass dick/bitch is just acting a fool and being rude for no rational reason." "It's up to the restaurant to attract me." I get this as well, that is really where I am at now. If I want sex then I have to work for it. That's just a slap in the face IMO. I'm not the one who made the decision for both of us not to have sex. At this point she doesn't deserve to be served anything from my kitchen. She's knows what's on the menu, she knows how to order it, refills aren't free here anymore, I don't do call ahead seating or reservations, and to-go orders are thrown from that side door with the sign "take-out only" over it so she better hope her window is down other wise it'll make for a big mess. I'm just over the woe-is-me petty AF attitude she presents when using the intimacy card. It's got more holes than swiss cheese at this point in our SM. I still love the comments though. Good feedback, different perspectives....ty! |
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Post by doneanddone on May 2, 2017 15:20:17 GMT -5
DAMN!!!!!!! True so very true......thanks for sharing.... |
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Post by bballgirl on May 2, 2017 16:17:45 GMT -5
If a restaurant no longer served a bone in ribeye then it's not where I'm going for steak anymore. If I have to I will cook my own ribeye but I'm not ordering a cut of meat I don't like or am attracted to. It's up to the restaurant to attract me. How's this for an analogy: A Sexless Marriage is like the best restaurant in town beautiful linens, flatware, ambiance and music in the restaurant, friendliest host and food servers, they seat you at the table but there's no food to fill your stomach. A SM is like that no intimacy and affection to feed your heart and soul. Longhorns better never take that ribeye off their menu! "If a restaurant no longer served a bone in ribeye then it's not where I'm going for steak anymore" That's my point, I never stopped serving the bone in rib-eye. The steak my wife wants doesn't exist and hasn't been on the menu since ever. She made the decision to stop ordering whats on the menu and went rogue and has been trying to order things that aren't on the menu. When she first stopped ordering her steak, I made a conscious effort to get her the steak she wanted or anything she tried to order. I went out of my way to try and give her what she ordered but she still refused it....said it was too cold, said it was over done, said she waited to long for it, whatever the reason was her M.O. has always been deny, deny, deny no matter what was put in front of her. We've probably all seen it, that one person in the store at the customer service counter or in a restaurant that no matter how kind and nice the manager tries to treat them and deescalate an already hostile and tense situation they are going to make a spectacle of the situation and everyone standing/sitting around is looking like - "Damn, poor manager. He/She is doing everything for this rude ass customer but this jackass dick/bitch is just acting a fool and being rude for no rational reason." "It's up to the restaurant to attract me." I get this as well, that is really where I am at now. If I want sex then I have to work for it. That's just a slap in the face IMO. I'm not the one who made the decision for both of us not to have sex. At this point she doesn't deserve to be served anything from my kitchen. She's knows what's on the menu, she knows how to order it, refills aren't free here anymore, I don't do call ahead seating or reservations, and to-go orders are thrown from that side door with the sign "take-out only" over it so she better hope her window is down other wise it'll make for a big mess. I'm just over the woe-is-me petty AF attitude she presents when using the intimacy card. It's got more holes than swiss cheese at this point in our SM. I still love the comments though. Good feedback, different perspectives....ty! The bottom line is incompatibility and lack of desire for the spouse which is wrong. I understand this torture. |
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Post by baza on May 2, 2017 17:29:41 GMT -5
Former EP member Brother vegas used to often say - "the sex people belong with the sex people".
Personally, I think that this is the distilled pure truth of our common experience.
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 2, 2017 23:19:21 GMT -5
Is she one of those women that wants a symbiotic relationship? Does she always want to know EVERYTHING you are thinking or feeling about every single thing you do together? If you don't tell her what she wants to hear, the way she wants to hear it, she feels you are not being intimate. I don't believe that is intimacy. It's something else. I promise that not all women are like that. I'm not.
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Post by Rhapsodee on May 2, 2017 23:22:52 GMT -5
Is she one of those women that wants a symbiotic relationship? Does she always want to know EVERYTHING you are thinking or feeling about every single thing you do together? If you don't tell her what she wants to hear, the way she wants to hear it, she feels you are not being intimate. I don't believe that is intimacy. It's something else. I promise that not all women are like that. I'm not.
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Post by merrygoround on May 3, 2017 0:41:12 GMT -5
I despise the lie that we are intimate because of cuddles, kisses, hand holding. It's sex I want and all that entails and all that brings and how it makes me feel - otherwise to me, it's "empty intimacy" and doesn't substitute anything, just papers over the cracks of what is the problem. For me, one brings the other. Sex makes me want to be intimate in other ways.
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Post by h on May 3, 2017 1:36:10 GMT -5
I despise the lie that we are intimate because of cuddles, kisses, hand holding. It's sex I want and all that entails and all that brings and how it makes me feel - otherwise to me, it's "empty intimacy" and doesn't substitute anything, just papers over the cracks of what is the problem. For me, one brings the other. Sex makes me want to be intimate in other ways. I wholeheartedly agree. I need to feel that sense of connection that only sex brings. Without it, everything else is hollow and superficial. There's a reason that they call it making love. |
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