Post by WindSister on May 2, 2017 13:48:15 GMT -5
As far as I am concerned, "the best of EP" is Baz and Enna. I don't know if they would like me to post their old posts, but I was perusing them today. I found one by Enna titled "Six Plus Years Later..."
_________________________________________________________
I can just relate so much.
So incredibly much.
It's not gloating, it is a deep, deep, deep gratitude. Three years into this relationship with my husband I know it's how it will be for life. I know it's not just a honeymoon phase.
I think stories like this are worth reading for those stuck in depression, stuck in fear.
I knew depression as well, as I stated in other threads here. That's what happens when we are not living authentically. I really do feel sometimes depression is our own souls tapping on our shoulders asking us to wake up as Parker J. Palmer shares in a lot of his writing.
I can also relate to her sharing how it's not a fairy tale but they are genuinely happy. (I hope that is still true but I gather from Baz's writings it is).
I also know (KNOW) it's not a show. They are experiencing REAL happiness in the midst of everyday life. It's not her trying to convince the world she is happy so she believes it too - it's genuine. That kind of happy EXISTS.
Trust me.
I try not to "compare/contrast" this marriage from my previous one, but, how can I NOT, honestly??? The comparisons are just neon lights, I don't have to look hard to make them.
So I am still here, checking in -- I questioned myself as to the "why" of that. I promise it is not to make myself feel better by reading how others are miserable (I genuinely feel horrible witnessing the struggles of others). A part of why I still check in is to remind myself how far I have come and keep myself "awake," so to speak, so my current relationship doesn't slip into that dark, cold abyss. Another part of me checks in still because, frankly, conversations about relationships fascinate me. And, finally, I check in because if it helps just one other person it's worth it.
I wish I had kept some of my posts from when I was in the midst of all of it. The day I moved out at the urging of my EP friends who said, "Do it NOW, for instance -- I spent 5 days in a dingy (but surprisingly clean) hotel and had my first meal in a restaurant "alone." I posted all that live as it was happening and felt the strength of others urging me on. It was so helpful, I don't know if I could have done it WITHOUT this group. Admittedly, I had a "friendship" made from EP that also urged me on --- looking back, that was riddled with issues, but we are both happy in our lives now and it was all worth it.
No regret. Not a single one.
So if I share my happiness, I promise it's not to brag or make others feel bad. It seriously comes from pure awe that I am living this life. I am trying to tone down a little bit here, though. It's hard to accurately describe in a way that doesn't have me looking like I am trying to sell you the belief I live this "fairy tale" life. It's not a fairy tale -- it isn't. We are two real human beings, flawed, sharing this crazy, messy life. But we are HAPPY.
God, if I never met my husband, I agree --- what a tragedy that would have been.
Was there a "guarantee" I was going to meet "Mr. Right" after leaving my ex? No. Infact, I really thought it wasn't possible with all that happened afterwards.
But it did happen.
Was it luck? Good timing? Who knows.
But if we never take that step, it's sure to never happen.
That much is absolute reality.
Anyway just wanted to share because I was perusing EP today and found this old thread by ENNA most inspiring in my situation as it is. I figure, my husband and I at least have another 3 good years if Baz and Enna are an example. (I joke..... but I do find it inspiring to hear of happiness in others' relationships).
Six years plus later . . . .
I haven't been on ILIASM for a long time. But I know some of my old friends are here - or should that be, more accurately, friends of long standing!? And most of you know my partner, Bazzar. . . .
At the risk of sounding as if I'm gloating, I want to share this brief anecdote with you. I rang Baz up today , and he answered saying "How are you, love of my life?" That is also my truth - he is the love of MY life too.
For those of you who don't know, we met here on ILIASM and have been living together happily for over five years now.
So, do we live in a world of rainbows, unicorns and unending sex? No. Are we (as Baz would put it) "rooting each other silly" night and day? Nup. Do we agree on everything - ahh, no! Is our life together the stuff of fairy tales? No, again.
Like most relationships, our initial sexual activity has calmed down considerably. But, as Sleepless Knight notes in one of his posts, there is no angst attached to our sex life. If we feel like sex, we have sex. If one of us wants it, the other is willing. If one of us is not in the mood, for any reason, it is no big deal . . . And so, as has been mentioned here before, the 90% of our attention that is consumed by sex in its absence, has reverted to a more normal 10% of our attention, simply because sex is freely and joyously available.
What characterises our lives now? Our kids, our grand-child, our dog, our jobs, our friends, our social life. . . . Also shopping, cleaning, cooking and gardening. Sounds very ordinary doesn't it? It is! But the BEST part of all this is that our relationship IS so normal.
Neither of us wanted or expected a "fairy tale" - we just wanted a relationship with someone who cared deeply about the other; someone who demonstrated respect, affection, trust and a genuine pleasure in being with the other person. And we each believe we have that.
It does take work. Not "hard" work, but an ongoing recognition that a relationship like ours takes the full commitment of both parties. That is, genuine empathy, a willingness to compromise and an awareness at all times that this is something precious we need to cherish and protect.
I left my marriage in April 2009. I had recently been hospitalised prior to that, for serious depression. Part of my recovery lay in realising that my own needs were no longer something I could ignore. I came to understand that my version of my marriage as "everything is great bar the sex" was a self-created fallacy that was allowing me to live in denial.
The first year after leaving was Hell, in many ways. Serious guilt, deep sadness, feelings of inadequacy and a longing for my marriage to somehow undergo a miraculous transformation altho' it no longer existed!! Fears about "starting over" at fifty seven; fears about supporting myself without any assistance or anyone to fall back on; fears about everyone I cared about seeing me as irresponsible, unreliable and unfaithful . . .
Paradoxically, there was excitement about new beginnings - and guilt attached to that as well! The dawning realisation that I had nothing to fear - that most people supported me, and those who did not were not essential in my life. The clarity that came from both ongoing counselling and from being an almost full-time member of ILIASM! The joyful promise that I would, indeed, not die without ever having sex again!
Looking back at that time, it now seems a long time ago. It seems almost like something that a different person (not me) experienced. It was possibly the hardest decision I ever made (certainly up there in the top three) and yet, without a shadow of a doubt, the best decision I ever made.
Because had I NOT left, I would never have had the opportunity to create my current life with Baz. And that would have been a genuine tragedy.
I haven't been on ILIASM for a long time. But I know some of my old friends are here - or should that be, more accurately, friends of long standing!?
And most of you know my partner, Bazzar. . . . At the risk of sounding as if I'm gloating, I want to share this brief anecdote with you. I rang Baz up today , and he answered saying "How are you, love of my life?" That is also my truth - he is the love of MY life too.
For those of you who don't know, we met here on ILIASM and have been living together happily for over five years now.
So, do we live in a world of rainbows, unicorns and unending sex? No. Are we (as Baz would put it) "rooting each other silly" night and day? Nup. Do we agree on everything - ahh, no! Is our life together the stuff of fairy tales? No, again.
Like most relationships, our initial sexual activity has calmed down considerably. But, as Sleepless Knight notes in one of his posts, there is no angst attached to our sex life. If we feel like sex, we have sex. If one of us wants it, the other is willing. If one of us is not in the mood, for any reason, it is no big deal . . . And so, as has been mentioned here before, the 90% of our attention that is consumed by sex in its absence, has reverted to a more normal 10% of our attention, simply because sex is freely and joyously available.
What characterises our lives now? Our kids, our grand-child, our dog, our jobs, our friends, our social life. . . . Also shopping, cleaning, cooking and gardening. Sounds very ordinary doesn't it? It is! But the BEST part of all this is that our relationship IS so normal.
Neither of us wanted or expected a "fairy tale" - we just wanted a relationship with someone who cared deeply about the other; someone who demonstrated respect, affection, trust and a genuine pleasure in being with the other person. And we each believe we have that.
It does take work. Not "hard" work, but an ongoing recognition that a relationship like ours takes the full commitment of both parties. That is, genuine empathy, a willingness to compromise and an awareness at all times that this is something precious we need to cherish and protect.
I left my marriage in April 2009. I had recently been hospitalised prior to that, for serious depression. Part of my recovery lay in realising that my own needs were no longer something I could ignore. I came to understand that my version of my marriage as "everything is great bar the sex" was a self-created fallacy that was allowing me to live in denial.
The first year after leaving was Hell, in many ways. Serious guilt, deep sadness, feelings of inadequacy and a longing for my marriage to somehow undergo a miraculous transformation altho' it no longer existed!! Fears about "starting over" at fifty seven; fears about supporting myself without any assistance or anyone to fall back on; fears about everyone I cared about seeing me as irresponsible, unreliable and unfaithful . . .
Paradoxically, there was excitement about new beginnings - and guilt attached to that as well! The dawning realisation that I had nothing to fear - that most people supported me, and those who did not were not essential in my life. The clarity that came from both ongoing counselling and from being an almost full-time member of ILIASM! The joyful promise that I would, indeed, not die without ever having sex again!
Looking back at that time, it now seems a long time ago. It seems almost like something that a different person (not me) experienced. It was possibly the hardest decision I ever made (certainly up there in the top three) and yet, without a shadow of a doubt, the best decision I ever made.
Because had I NOT left, I would never have had the opportunity to create my current life with Baz. And that would have been a genuine tragedy.
I can just relate so much.
So incredibly much.
It's not gloating, it is a deep, deep, deep gratitude. Three years into this relationship with my husband I know it's how it will be for life. I know it's not just a honeymoon phase.
I think stories like this are worth reading for those stuck in depression, stuck in fear.
I knew depression as well, as I stated in other threads here. That's what happens when we are not living authentically. I really do feel sometimes depression is our own souls tapping on our shoulders asking us to wake up as Parker J. Palmer shares in a lot of his writing.
I can also relate to her sharing how it's not a fairy tale but they are genuinely happy. (I hope that is still true but I gather from Baz's writings it is).
I also know (KNOW) it's not a show. They are experiencing REAL happiness in the midst of everyday life. It's not her trying to convince the world she is happy so she believes it too - it's genuine. That kind of happy EXISTS.
Trust me.
I try not to "compare/contrast" this marriage from my previous one, but, how can I NOT, honestly??? The comparisons are just neon lights, I don't have to look hard to make them.
So I am still here, checking in -- I questioned myself as to the "why" of that. I promise it is not to make myself feel better by reading how others are miserable (I genuinely feel horrible witnessing the struggles of others). A part of why I still check in is to remind myself how far I have come and keep myself "awake," so to speak, so my current relationship doesn't slip into that dark, cold abyss. Another part of me checks in still because, frankly, conversations about relationships fascinate me. And, finally, I check in because if it helps just one other person it's worth it.
I wish I had kept some of my posts from when I was in the midst of all of it. The day I moved out at the urging of my EP friends who said, "Do it NOW, for instance -- I spent 5 days in a dingy (but surprisingly clean) hotel and had my first meal in a restaurant "alone." I posted all that live as it was happening and felt the strength of others urging me on. It was so helpful, I don't know if I could have done it WITHOUT this group. Admittedly, I had a "friendship" made from EP that also urged me on --- looking back, that was riddled with issues, but we are both happy in our lives now and it was all worth it.
No regret. Not a single one.
So if I share my happiness, I promise it's not to brag or make others feel bad. It seriously comes from pure awe that I am living this life. I am trying to tone down a little bit here, though. It's hard to accurately describe in a way that doesn't have me looking like I am trying to sell you the belief I live this "fairy tale" life. It's not a fairy tale -- it isn't. We are two real human beings, flawed, sharing this crazy, messy life. But we are HAPPY.
God, if I never met my husband, I agree --- what a tragedy that would have been.
Was there a "guarantee" I was going to meet "Mr. Right" after leaving my ex? No. Infact, I really thought it wasn't possible with all that happened afterwards.
But it did happen.
Was it luck? Good timing? Who knows.
But if we never take that step, it's sure to never happen.
That much is absolute reality.
Anyway just wanted to share because I was perusing EP today and found this old thread by ENNA most inspiring in my situation as it is. I figure, my husband and I at least have another 3 good years if Baz and Enna are an example. (I joke..... but I do find it inspiring to hear of happiness in others' relationships).
