Givers and Takers

I appreciate this article, too. I am sure everyone who reads it would describe themselves as a "giver." But I think the part that spoke to me is that givers tend to look at their own faults when things go wrong in relationships. I know I definitely do that. My husband does, too. I think when two givers come together it's wonderful, but even with that there will be separation by degree -- a couple can never EVER be "perfectly matched."  One might "give" 10% more than the other, for instance.  I found this quote interesting: 


That's the trick, isn't it - to avoid the tit-for-tat, game-playing bullshit that goes on in long term relationships?  We see it here.  A common thread is "I am cheated of sex, so I will cheat on my partner."  Tit-for-tat.  I am not "judging" but I am noticing/observing it's a fact we see here.  No judgment of right/wrong, what the hell do I know anyway, I did it myself in the end too.  But I do know from experience it doesn't "feel good" to live that way so I want to avoid it now.   And, I am not just talking about the "outsourcing" part, but all of it; the giving up on the relationship because they don't give anything back.  It's necessary, it's a process, it doesn't feel good - I don't want to ever end up there again.  

So here I am in the honeymoon phase, still, according to everyone, where we are both very much givers.  I ask myself, him, the universe and seek out expert opinions on how one keeps that alive.  

How do you both remain givers?  

Now that's a question worth pursuing.

 I think it starts with standing up for yourself, being direct and telling others how you want to be treated and then not putting up with being treated like dirt (or a doormat).  The "being direct and honest" part is SO crucial in relationships.  Others will treat you how you let them and if you let them treat you like crap for decades,  it's not going to change overnight (or ever).    We can't let others treat us a certain way and then feel bad they do.  We have to take ownership in that.  I do it with my husband on the spot now, but it has taken SO much practice - practice that started with my ex, carried over into the dating experiments and now in my marriage.  Mind you, it's not much I have to address with my husband, but of course there are always things that can pop up because we are two humans sharing a life together.  

I remember a saying at EP that I liked very much:  "Don't settle for bread crumbs."  Just don't do it.  No, you don't have to be a diva queen/king who expects the world to bow down and kiss your feet, but stop settling for bread crumbs.  I think givers do that all too often, I see the habits of that from my husband as well from his past relationships.  Give, give, give and feel good when tossed a crumb.... "Oh, they see the light, oh, they will change...." and they string you along just a bit longer, life slipping by.....  

When looking for a relationship don't paint someone as you want to see them but actually see them for who they are.  Let them show you who they are.  Sit back, enjoy the ride/journey but don't try to control the outcomes to fit your agenda.  No one can be morphed into molds not meant for them.  

Okay, gotta get back to work, I kinda went all over with this post.. I love the thoughts these kinds of articles provoke.  

Now you have me researching this guy. Motivational.

“When takers win, there’s usually someone else who loses. Research shows that people tend to envy successful takers and look for ways to knock them down a notch. In contrast, when givers like David Hornik win, people are rooting for them and supporting them, rather than gunning for them. Givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them.”
― Adam M. Grant, Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success

I might start my own thread on this, but I thought I would post it here.

Do any of you struggle with being a taker?
I had an experience today at the dentist office. I'm going to need another filling. (my problems are escalating due to my medication, and most likely all this divorce stress).
Right away my mind goes to money. Then comes all the manipulation and moving of money by my wife. Then comes her control over it.

I don't say all these thoughts, but I do have to say, " I can't afford that, it's about the money. Maybe I'll need to wait a season or two, until the divorce is over. I'll just have to wait and see what kind of insurance I have."

The receptionist tells me , "you can make zero payments". That went right past me. I had no idea what she meant.
My mind is still racing with thoughts of attorneys, court dates, bank accounts,etc....

She then says, "look you've been an excellent patient for years, we know your story, we know what your going through. We will only charge you what the insurance will cover."

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't like it, for a while.

I had to be a "taker".

I had to accept charity.
Was pride getting in the way? Or am I just not used to taking?

If it was for my kids I would probably say "okay". But this is for me.

I said, "your going to make me cry".I looked down with a stern look on my face. I said. "okay" I'll make an appointment.

I really wanted out of there!

That was two hours ago. Why is taking so hard? I'm still feeling very tight in the throat and chest, very emotional. I should be happy. Why is it so hard?

It makes me wonder what an emotional wreck, (tears of joy) that i will be when I finally have sex again with someone who actually desires me.

I mean, if charity from the dentist can do that to me..... imagine what taking, receiving, from a woman will do?