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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2017 11:40:05 GMT -5
Why do you see him as a puppy? (yes I read your description) If he is in constant denial of anything being wrong, or needs change on his part, that's his problem. It could easily remain his problem until he finds another victim who will fall for his "fake mask". Many an adult will continue on there path of self destruction. Be thankful that you made it through the fire without the bad smell. Guilt for telling him? You have been telling him for years! A refuser, refuses to listen. That helmet they are wearing has been on for so many years, when you smack em' upside the head with the divorce 2 x 4 they hardly feel it. Okay, granted, the "guilt" may linger. Try to discipline yourself to give it a few minutes of your day, and be done with it. Let the healing begin, and focus on yourself. Try something totally new this week, just for you! Thank you GC. He's kind of "acting" like a puppy. Innocent, sweet, naive. Yes, I KNOW this is all an act - calculated or not, that's what it is. I HAVE been telling him for years that one day, I won't deal with this type of pseudo relationship and I'll leave. He shouldn't be surprised when the "D" announcement comes out of my mouth - but - I know that he'll act surprised and will play the victim. I have to leave, or I will absolutely devolve. This can't happen, I've worked too hard to get where I am today - healthy, confidant, and ready to reclaim my life. Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Did you try something new lately? Mothers day is coming. make it something special for yourself. Go out and treat yourself. Call an old friend. Start making plans. My W. is ditching the family,( running of with her comfort cushion- her daddy) and taking a daughter or two, to go visit her mom out of town. The same mom she said" she wanted nothing to do with anymore". Meanwhile of the 9 other ladies in my Divorce Recovery class several want to meet at the beach. I plan on going. I hope the waves are clean and long. I haven't rode my longboard for a while! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 12, 2017 13:34:24 GMT -5
I like the "pup" analogy. The pup may need a momma but I didn't sign up to "mother" my spouse. I wanted (and had, for some years) an equal partner - another grown up in the house. We had devolved together though. When I woke up first, and found EP, I tried to get as much of my own shit sorted as I could. And that helped (though, I had not done a quite-thorough-enough job of it - I found later).
I expected, after leaving, that he would have to learn to wipe his own ass and grow up. He did some fine work on the house, while dragging his feet around 9 months before allowing it to be listed and sold. He then moved in with his daughter, her husband, and their child. They have since had a new baby - and Dad still lives in their basement. He may never grow up and move out on his own (she is getting a bit tired of the arrangement from what she said a couple months back). She told me that he doesn't like to be alone. Yeah - shoulda thought of that before he treated me like crap maybe?
Anyway - your pup may or may not ever grow up. But you don't have to keep mothering him. YOU get to grow up and move out - because that is in your longer term best interest. Sometimes, we do have to leave behind the baggage that's gotten too heavy to drag along with us. We didn't adopt a child, for crying out loud, we tried to partner with another adult.
And whether my Ex ever gets his "Adult ID" or not, I am way beyond where I was when I first left. I'm growing up a lot, learning a bunch, changing daily/weekly - and I love this part of my adventure. I feel more mature but more energetic - younger in attitude, but not in a childish way.
If you are working with a counselor, cover guilt. If not - get a counselor. It is common to feel guilty "for being the one to initiate the divorce" I think. But the feeling of guilt does not mean you are guilty of anything except self-preservation. It's like self-defense: you have to murder the marriage to save at least one of the parties (i.e., you). If it accidentally helps him grow into a man - er, I mean, dog - so be it. If it doesn't, that's okay too.
He has made his choices. You are (soon) making yours. The chips fall how they do.
I do understand though - and I hope, too, that the guilt won't follow you. You can choose to leave it off. Honor it with respect, but understand your motivation to have a life that makes you happy is not uncalled for. It is completely natural. We should get to live a life that we would miss if hit by a bus or other catastrophe. The SM purgatory was not that, not for me.
Good luck with it!
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 12:17:38 GMT -5
Thank you GC. He's kind of "acting" like a puppy. Innocent, sweet, naive. Yes, I KNOW this is all an act - calculated or not, that's what it is. I HAVE been telling him for years that one day, I won't deal with this type of pseudo relationship and I'll leave. He shouldn't be surprised when the "D" announcement comes out of my mouth - but - I know that he'll act surprised and will play the victim. I have to leave, or I will absolutely devolve. This can't happen, I've worked too hard to get where I am today - healthy, confidant, and ready to reclaim my life. Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Did you try something new lately? Mothers day is coming. make it something special for yourself. Go out and treat yourself. Call an old friend. Start making plans. My W. is ditching the family,( running of with her comfort cushion- her daddy) and taking a daughter or two, to go visit her mom out of town. The same mom she said" she wanted nothing to do with anymore". Meanwhile of the 9 other ladies in my Divorce Recovery class several want to meet at the beach. I plan on going. I hope the waves are clean and long. I haven't rode my longboard for a while! I try to do kinda fun things all of the time. Life is short! Tomorrow (Mother's Day). My son will make me breakfast - scrambled eggs - then, we will hit the lake to kayak for a few hours. As long as it isn't too windy, if so, we'll probably go for a beautiful hike. My daughter who is away at school sent me a beautiful bouquet yesterday - ahhhhh children are such blessings. Not sure what the H is doing tomorrow - probs playing golf or betting on sports somewhere while he is pretending to be out "running errands". This. Is. Quite. Alright. With. Me😊 Glad you have a fun day planned too - fingers crossed for some righteous waves! |
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Post by shamwow on May 13, 2017 12:43:13 GMT -5
Even the title of this thread is reductive, I know this. I've come to realize that my H is kind of like a puppy. Tail wagging, happy-go-lucky, eager-to-please (unless the goal is a consistent sex life with some actual intimacy thrown in). Not the uber masculine partner in crime I married eons ago. As I get super close to my exit, I'm beginning to feel like I'm fixing to leave my puppy behind as I go off and have MY authentic life. Over the course of the past few months, many little things have occurred which to most would accumulate into a big red flag. Have had two sets of company (about one month's worth)- each set telling my H I'm leaving. My refusal of 6-7 reset sex attempts - my lackadaisical attitude toward "the relationship", to name a few. Still, he has no clue. Well, if he does, he is using his super-avoidant powers to pretend like everything is great. After a 14 year relationship where the majority of the time affection was withheld and I was lied to, why on Earth do I feel "guilty" as I plan my new life? My own issues - yes, I know. Still, I'm dreading the day that I tell the puppy I'm leaving him behind that he can't go with me. Please, guilt - don't follow me. Usually after 14 years the puppy has not only grown up, but has gone to puppy heaven (or is close). This old dog isn't going to learn any new tricks. Knowing that, though, doesn't make it any easier. |
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Post by lyn on May 13, 2017 13:19:01 GMT -5
I like the "pup" analogy. The pup may need a momma but I didn't sign up to "mother" my spouse. I wanted (and had, for some years) an equal partner - another grown up in the house. We had devolved together though. When I woke up first, and found EP, I tried to get as much of my own shit sorted as I could. And that helped (though, I had not done a quite-thorough-enough job of it - I found later). I expected, after leaving, that he would have to learn to wipe his own ass and grow up. He did some fine work on the house, while dragging his feet around 9 months before allowing it to be listed and sold. He then moved in with his daughter, her husband, and their child. They have since had a new baby - and Dad still lives in their basement. He may never grow up and move out on his own (she is getting a bit tired of the arrangement from what she said a couple months back). She told me that he doesn't like to be alone. Yeah - shoulda thought of that before he treated me like crap maybe? Anyway - your pup may or may not ever grow up. But you don't have to keep mothering him. YOU get to grow up and move out - because that is in your longer term best interest. Sometimes, we do have to leave behind the baggage that's gotten too heavy to drag along with us. We didn't adopt a child, for crying out loud, we tried to partner with another adult. And whether my Ex ever gets his "Adult ID" or not, I am way beyond where I was when I first left. I'm growing up a lot, learning a bunch, changing daily/weekly - and I love this part of my adventure. I feel more mature but more energetic - younger in attitude, but not in a childish way. If you are working with a counselor, cover guilt. If not - get a counselor. It is common to feel guilty "for being the one to initiate the divorce" I think. But the feeling of guilt does not mean you are guilty of anything except self-preservation. It's like self-defense: you have to murder the marriage to save at least one of the parties (i.e., you). If it accidentally helps him grow into a man - er, I mean, dog - so be it. If it doesn't, that's okay too. He has made his choices. You are (soon) making yours. The chips fall how they do. I do understand though - and I hope, too, that the guilt won't follow you. You can choose to leave it off. Honor it with respect, but understand your motivation to have a life that makes you happy is not uncalled for. It is completely natural. We should get to live a life that we would miss if hit by a bus or other catastrophe. The SM purgatory was not that, not for me. Good luck with it! [ Thanks GG - I am beginning to "get" this. I do have a new therapist who seems really great. Some things he said to me the other day; "You're going to have to wear the black hat Lyn, and you're going to have to be prepared for him to call you a b*tch, and be angry at YOU. Don't try to alleviate his anger. It will make his closure take longer. You already have yours - he's going to be way behind you. Try to separate HIS feelings from YOUR actions." This guy seems to "get" me - going back in a few days for more wisdom😉 |
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Post by merrygoround on May 13, 2017 13:38:00 GMT -5
That's great therapy right there and goodness how many of us do that?! Pearls of wisdom indeed x
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Post by shamwow on May 13, 2017 15:14:45 GMT -5
I like the "pup" analogy. The pup may need a momma but I didn't sign up to "mother" my spouse. I wanted (and had, for some years) an equal partner - another grown up in the house. We had devolved together though. When I woke up first, and found EP, I tried to get as much of my own shit sorted as I could. And that helped (though, I had not done a quite-thorough-enough job of it - I found later). I expected, after leaving, that he would have to learn to wipe his own ass and grow up. He did some fine work on the house, while dragging his feet around 9 months before allowing it to be listed and sold. He then moved in with his daughter, her husband, and their child. They have since had a new baby - and Dad still lives in their basement. He may never grow up and move out on his own (she is getting a bit tired of the arrangement from what she said a couple months back). She told me that he doesn't like to be alone. Yeah - shoulda thought of that before he treated me like crap maybe? Anyway - your pup may or may not ever grow up. But you don't have to keep mothering him. YOU get to grow up and move out - because that is in your longer term best interest. Sometimes, we do have to leave behind the baggage that's gotten too heavy to drag along with us. We didn't adopt a child, for crying out loud, we tried to partner with another adult. And whether my Ex ever gets his "Adult ID" or not, I am way beyond where I was when I first left. I'm growing up a lot, learning a bunch, changing daily/weekly - and I love this part of my adventure. I feel more mature but more energetic - younger in attitude, but not in a childish way. If you are working with a counselor, cover guilt. If not - get a counselor. It is common to feel guilty "for being the one to initiate the divorce" I think. But the feeling of guilt does not mean you are guilty of anything except self-preservation. It's like self-defense: you have to murder the marriage to save at least one of the parties (i.e., you). If it accidentally helps him grow into a man - er, I mean, dog - so be it. If it doesn't, that's okay too. He has made his choices. You are (soon) making yours. The chips fall how they do. I do understand though - and I hope, too, that the guilt won't follow you. You can choose to leave it off. Honor it with respect, but understand your motivation to have a life that makes you happy is not uncalled for. It is completely natural. We should get to live a life that we would miss if hit by a bus or other catastrophe. The SM purgatory was not that, not for me. Good luck with it! That's actually kind of funny. I think my wife was looking more for a puppy than a man. |
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