|
|
Post by lyn on Apr 30, 2017 21:41:51 GMT -5
Even the title of this thread is reductive, I know this.
I've come to realize that my H is kind of like a puppy. Tail wagging, happy-go-lucky, eager-to-please (unless the goal is a consistent sex life with some actual intimacy thrown in). Not the uber masculine partner in crime I married eons ago.
As I get super close to my exit, I'm beginning to feel like I'm fixing to leave my puppy behind as I go off and have MY authentic life.
Over the course of the past few months, many little things have occurred which to most would accumulate into a big red flag.
Have had two sets of company (about one month's worth)- each set telling my H I'm leaving. My refusal of 6-7 reset sex attempts - my lackadaisical attitude toward "the relationship", to name a few. Still, he has no clue. Well, if he does, he is using his super-avoidant powers to pretend like everything is great.
After a 14 year relationship where the majority of the time affection was withheld and I was lied to, why on Earth do I feel "guilty" as I plan my new life?
My own issues - yes, I know. Still, I'm dreading the day that I tell the puppy I'm leaving him behind that he can't go with me.
Please, guilt - don't follow me.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2017 21:50:48 GMT -5
It's tough and I empathize for you. He will be sad but you've been sad with the lack of intimacy. But emotions come and go and things will get better. Sometimes we have to do unpleasant things in order to get the outcome we want. The night I told my ex we were both in tears but we got through it. Try not to feel guilty, you are advocating for yourself and you deserve better. Hugs  |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2017 21:57:56 GMT -5
Why do you see him as a puppy? (yes I read your description) If he is in constant denial of anything being wrong, or needs change on his part, that's his problem. It could easily remain his problem until he finds another victim who will fall for his "fake mask". Many an adult will continue on there path of self destruction. Be thankful that you made it through the fire without the bad smell.
Guilt for telling him? You have been telling him for years! A refuser, refuses to listen. That helmet they are wearing has been on for so many years, when you smack em' upside the head with the divorce 2 x 4 they hardly feel it.
Okay, granted, the "guilt" may linger. Try to discipline yourself to give it a few minutes of your day, and be done with it. Let the healing begin, and focus on yourself. Try something totally new this week, just for you!
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Apr 30, 2017 22:50:26 GMT -5
It's tough and I empathize for you. He will be sad but you've been sad with the lack of intimacy. But emotions come and go and things will get better. Sometimes we have to do unpleasant things in order to get the outcome we want. The night I told my ex we were both in tears but we got through it. Try not to feel guilty, you are advocating for yourself and you deserve better. Hugs Thanks bballgirl. From what I've learned from your posts, I think your ex and my H are a bit similar. It's going to be really difficult, but I know I need to leave, for me. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Apr 30, 2017 22:58:19 GMT -5
Why do you see him as a puppy? (yes I read your description) If he is in constant denial of anything being wrong, or needs change on his part, that's his problem. It could easily remain his problem until he finds another victim who will fall for his "fake mask". Many an adult will continue on there path of self destruction. Be thankful that you made it through the fire without the bad smell. Guilt for telling him? You have been telling him for years! A refuser, refuses to listen. That helmet they are wearing has been on for so many years, when you smack em' upside the head with the divorce 2 x 4 they hardly feel it. Okay, granted, the "guilt" may linger. Try to discipline yourself to give it a few minutes of your day, and be done with it. Let the healing begin, and focus on yourself. Try something totally new this week, just for you! Thank you GC. He's kind of "acting" like a puppy. Innocent, sweet, naive. Yes, I KNOW this is all an act - calculated or not, that's what it is. I HAVE been telling him for years that one day, I won't deal with this type of pseudo relationship and I'll leave. He shouldn't be surprised when the "D" announcement comes out of my mouth - but - I know that he'll act surprised and will play the victim. I have to leave, or I will absolutely devolve. This can't happen, I've worked too hard to get where I am today - healthy, confidant, and ready to reclaim my life. Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 1, 2017 8:50:10 GMT -5
The pup remained a pup.
He was unwilling and/or unable to transition in to a dog, and assume his dogly responsibilities.
That might be his fault - say by being too stupid to learn
It might be his mothers fault - say by not weaning him at the appropriate time
It might be his owners fault - say by letting this canine asssume the role of pack leader when completely unqualified or trained to undertake that role.
It may well be that this is no-ones fault at all.
It just is what it is.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 1, 2017 9:01:00 GMT -5
Why do you see him as a puppy? (yes I read your description) If he is in constant denial of anything being wrong, or needs change on his part, that's his problem. It could easily remain his problem until he finds another victim who will fall for his "fake mask". Many an adult will continue on there path of self destruction. Be thankful that you made it through the fire without the bad smell. Guilt for telling him? You have been telling him for years! A refuser, refuses to listen. That helmet they are wearing has been on for so many years, when you smack em' upside the head with the divorce 2 x 4 they hardly feel it. Okay, granted, the "guilt" may linger. Try to discipline yourself to give it a few minutes of your day, and be done with it. Let the healing begin, and focus on yourself. Try something totally new this week, just for you! Thank you GC. He's kind of "acting" like a puppy. Innocent, sweet, naive. Yes, I KNOW this is all an act - calculated or not, that's what it is. I HAVE been telling him for years that one day, I won't deal with this type of pseudo relationship and I'll leave. He shouldn't be surprised when the "D" announcement comes out of my mouth - but - I know that he'll act surprised and will play the victim. I have to leave, or I will absolutely devolve. This can't happen, I've worked too hard to get where I am today - healthy, confidant, and ready to reclaim my life. Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And after you make the announcement of the divorce, when he acts the victim and expresses his sadness let him know that you understand his sadness because the way he feels for the past 24 minutes, hours, or days - you have felt that sadness for years. Yet he had the life he wanted and now it's your turn to go get the life you want. Hugs. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2017 9:19:31 GMT -5
"Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy."
Here's what I have to remind myself of daily, (sometimes hourly) "This is for the good of the family. I am helping my spouse, they will be better off. This is for the good of the teens. They will see everyone happier, with time. This is for my own good, I will be free to be myself, and have a new start."
Notice where I put myself? Last. What does that say? It says I/we are considerate, giving, compassionate, forgiving people. Can we still stand up for ourselves? Abso-positively!!
Are there other men/women out there who will cherish, respect, and desire us? We are in high demand! Lets proceed carefully, cautiously, we won't be fooled again.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 13:28:24 GMT -5
I understand the feeling. My refuser loves to play the victim. When I moved out, she even called my daughter crying because she didn't know how to get a key to the mailbox (all she had to do was go to the apartment office & ask). She whined about how sorry she was that she had refused sex. But a few weeks into counseling, she said it was not ALL her fault. Then she said it was as much my fault as hers. Then she said it was all MY fault because I didn't ask enough. Over time, she had actually convinced herself that she had done nothing wrong.
I finally was able to just say this is not going to work & I hoped the divorce was peaceful.
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 14:49:41 GMT -5
[quote author=" bballgirl" source="/And after you make the announcement of the divorce, when he acts the victim and expresses his sadness let him know that you understand his sadness because the way he feels for the past 24 minutes, hours, or days - you have felt that sadness for years. Yet he had the life he wanted and now it's your turn to go get the life you want. Hugs. [/quote][ ^^^THIS is exactly what I will say to him - as he is playing the victim. Thanks BBG |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 14:53:21 GMT -5
The pup remained a pup. He was unwilling and/or unable to transition in to a dog, and assume his dogly responsibilities. That might be his fault - say by being too stupid to learn It might be his mothers fault - say by not weaning him at the appropriate time It might be his owners fault - say by letting this canine asssume the role of pack leader when completely unqualified or trained to undertake that role. It may well be that this is no-ones fault at all. It just is what it is. Yes - this. Exactly. Thanks Baza |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 14:56:07 GMT -5
"Just going to be hard - nothing worthwhile is ever easy." Here's what I have to remind myself of daily, (sometimes hourly) "This is for the good of the family. I am helping my spouse, they will be better off. This is for the good of the teens. They will see everyone happier, with time. This is for my own good, I will be free to be myself, and have a new start." Notice where I put myself? Last. What does that say? It says I/we are considerate, giving, compassionate, forgiving people. Can we still stand up for ourselves? Abso-positively!! Are there other men/women out there who will cherish, respect, and desire us? We are in high demand! Lets proceed carefully, cautiously, we won't be fooled again. Thanks GC - this is so important. That we take what we have learned from these debacles, use this knowledge to avoid this trap again! Maybe we should have a thread where we somehow help each other "vet" our potential love interests...... lol |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 1, 2017 14:59:19 GMT -5
I understand the feeling. My refuser loves to play the victim. When I moved out, she even called my daughter crying because she didn't know how to get a key to the mailbox (all she had to do was go to the apartment office & ask). She whined about how sorry she was that she had refused sex. But a few weeks into counseling, she said it was not ALL her fault. Then she said it was as much my fault as hers. Then she said it was all MY fault because I didn't ask enough. Over time, she had actually convinced herself that she had done nothing wrong. I finally was able to just say this is not going to work & I hoped the divorce was peaceful. Yes - I'm already prepared to be painted out as the bad guy. Spoiled, hard-to-please wifey. This is what he'll tell his friends and family. I already know this. I kinda don't even care what he says. My friends and family know the truth - and moreover I know the truth which is really all that matters. Things more peaceful for you now Flash or is she still playing the victim? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 1, 2017 15:50:11 GMT -5
[quote author=" bballgirl" source="/And after you make the announcement of the divorce, when he acts the victim and expresses his sadness let him know that you understand his sadness because the way he feels for the past 24 minutes, hours, or days - you have felt that sadness for years. Yet he had the life he wanted and now it's your turn to go get the life you want. Hugs. [ ^^^THIS is exactly what I will say to him - as he is playing the victim. Thanks BBG [/quote] Your welcome honey! I said that to my H and after that he said I'm sorry I was an asshole but it was too little too late You've got this girl!! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 16:33:05 GMT -5
Things more peaceful for you now Flash or is she still playing the victim? As far as I know, she still is. She told her lawyer that she did not want a divorce. However, that is not a decision she gets to make. I have blocked her number, so I never hear from her. |
|
