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Post by TMD on Apr 30, 2017 11:48:32 GMT -5
This is supposed to be a funny anecdote of my mental state.
I am done with my marriage. Was done long ago. But sucked at the *implementation of a separation* part. Now, however, I am ready, I am prepared. All but for one thing...
I decided to utilize a therapist who specializes in mediation to help us through this process. Primary reason? I don't trust my roommate to be responsive. I can't do his part for him. As in, he will have some tasks, responsibilities, and I know him well enough to expect a complete lack of action. Double entrendre intended.
I researched. I found what looks to be a great group of practitioners that have more than one therapist who specializes in mediation. I called. I left a message. Repeating my phone number THREE TIMES for good measure.
And they didn't call back after 4 business days.
I had a crap week at work dealing with crazy people issues. And by the end of the week I was on the edge.
So I called back. Left another message. But this time, didn't articulate myself well. I started with, "thank god im not suicidal because I can't count on your business to return my call." And then I saucily repeated my phone number another three times.
The office manager called back. Got my voicemail. Provided a deftensive reply. Even called back an hour later to try and book an appointment for me and roommate.
And I was too embarrassed by my behaviour to call back.
I do plan to call again on Monday. This time with an apology for my crazy. And maybe I'll book in with this clinic. Because we do need the support.
Now that I'm well rested, have some clarity into what triggered me, I can laugh and accept responsibility for my actions. But Jesus, Mary and Joseph why, when I finally took action, did my crazy have to interfere with progress?!?!?!
It's a rhetorical question. I'm scared. But I realize the first step is acknowledging there is a problem and asking for help.
And here's to hoping for a sane week. ;-)
Feel free to share your on experiences with using a therapist to navigate a separation/ divorce.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 30, 2017 12:13:47 GMT -5
Congratulations, although I am not sure it's warranted as yet. Just before I called "time of death" on my S/M I called a couple different therapists. One close, one not so close. The results were the same. The 1st openings were 3 to 4 months away, and there was no guarantee that I would actually get to see the therapist. After all, someone suicidal might need that hour. So even if my X had agreed to seeing a therapist it would have been an uphill slog.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 30, 2017 12:32:34 GMT -5
The ex and I went to marriage counseling with two different therapists. One I found through my individual clinician, and I can't remember where he found the one we saw second. Once I was able to convince him the marriage was done and I wanted a divorce, we used divorce mediation through a lawyer. I searched for collaborative divorce and researched on avvo (US only, I think) to find someone. Chose her because she was a matter-of-fact, to the point lawyer, and also closer to his work to make it more convenient for him to go meet with her.
Best of luck getting an appointment, and I hope it helps once you connect with someone.
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Post by TMD on Apr 30, 2017 12:38:52 GMT -5
worksforme2, I should have mentioned, I told roommate I wanted out in July 2015. Follow up conversations went like this: Him: "it makes me sad to talk about it." Me: "it is sad, but we have to talk to work through this in the best way we can for the kids." Him: <<crickets>>
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Post by TMD on Apr 30, 2017 12:39:19 GMT -5
He is no longer wearing his ring. I believe he is as ready as I am for change.
The challenge, for him, is talking. So we need a third party for support, to help us be accountable and responsible for our parts in the process of divorcing.
The goal is not to reconcile. Too late for that. And I'm not looking for permission to divorce. It's happening, so let's deal with it.
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Post by Dan on May 1, 2017 9:25:41 GMT -5
This is supposed to be a funny anecdote of my mental state. Feel free to share your on experiences with using a therapist to navigate a separation/ divorce. Chuckling at your self-reported bit of "crazy". May I ask: is this this a traditional talk therapist (such as LCWS or MSW) who specialized in divorce mediation? Or something like a divorce mediator, like a lawyer, just with enough extra counseling experience to call him/herself a "therapist"? Just curious. Wonder if such folks exist in my area. If so, I wonder if I should see one first for one-on-one counseling first. (Or maybe that is frowned on, as if they develop an attachment to one side of the couple first, they can't be as fair when it moves to counseling both.) |
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2017 14:54:33 GMT -5
You're not crazy. You've been living with all kinds of frustration for years. You are finally doing a significant action towards change - and it felt like the door got slammed in your face.
FWIW, I think you should keep calling till you get results.
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Post by TMD on May 1, 2017 23:02:56 GMT -5
This is supposed to be a funny anecdote of my mental state. Feel free to share your on experiences with using a therapist to navigate a separation/ divorce. Chuckling at your self-reported bit of "crazy". May I ask: is this this a traditional talk therapist (such as LCWS or MSW) who specialized in divorce mediation? Or something like a divorce mediator, like a lawyer, just with enough extra counseling experience to call him/herself a "therapist"? Just curious. Wonder if such folks exist in my area. If so, I wonder if I should see one first for one-on-one counseling first. (Or maybe that is frowned on, as if they develop an attachment to one side of the couple first, they can't be as fair when it moves to counseling both.) @dan, it's a certified/registered psychologist who is accredited in mediation by a legal body in the Province I live. So she *should* hopefully know how to guide us, both in the realm of crazy mental states, and how to help learn how to have the conversation of dividing up and move on. That said, she won't be able to legally mediate for us because... She will be biased by being our "talk" therapist. But the clinic has others who also specialize in mediation. Who can then take on that role, if we are both amenable to it. The mediator part of the legal process can help us sort assets and liabilities, agree upon custody schedules, and even child support. Then there is a legal service that files the docs based on the information we provide them. Both of us sharing equally the costs of mediation, filing, etc. Then a lawyer is paid a couple hundred to review submission, and off to the High Courts in the Capital City go the docs for approval. My friend, whose divorce was fairly straight forward, much like mine could be, spent about $2,000 CDN. She still had to buy out her ex for his share in the house, but they had a healthy negotiation and she is doing well, and he is as well (except he keeps gambling). |
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Post by TMD on May 1, 2017 23:07:32 GMT -5
You're not crazy. You've been living with all kinds of frustration for years. You are finally doing a significant action towards change - and it felt like the door got slammed in your face. FWIW, I think you should keep calling till you get results. I'll admit, my tactic, the voice mail, was fairly passive aggressive. Not generally my style. But I can admit that I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and in obvious need of support. I called back today, admitted my shame and was able to book an appointment. It happens soon. I hung up and my stomach turned. I'm scared. This *is* the next step, the most important one to move things along. I hate knowing that I am going to turn the world upside down for my children. But I know they will be okay. I can get them through this. Now to tell the roommate that we have an appointment. I'm sure he'll be really excited and ready to talk. Not. |
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Post by dinnaken on May 2, 2017 2:02:16 GMT -5
I hope that you have a positive outcome.
In the UK the use of mediation services, to help folk wind up a relationship without conflict, is encouraged to avoid costly legal disputes that impoverish everyone, bar the lawyers... The routes seems the same - mediator booked through a counselling service, like Relate or through a mediation trained lawyer (the latter seems more expensive). I suggested this route but, in the end, we've agreed without, Hopefully, the courts will be happy when we take our 'home grown' agreement to them in two year's time but it's fair so it should be OK.
I'm not surprised that the 'crazy' came out so readily. You might not recognise it but you are under a phenomenal amount of pressure right now, don't be ashamed at all.
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Post by TMD on May 3, 2017 7:29:09 GMT -5
Thank you dinnaken. I filled in the online intake form last night. At the end of it I was sad. And I had all the classic signs of stress/tension: sore jaw, headache and an overwhelming feeling. When I woke this morning, still felt sad, but glad we have the appointment to help us. |
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Post by TMD on May 3, 2017 7:37:04 GMT -5
More humour along the way:
I forgot to tell my roommate about the appointment on Monday night. I was focused on doing our taxes, which were due that evening. He flew out very early for work and won't be back until Friday. The counseling appointment confirmation, and invitation to an online portal was to arrive in our personal email inboxes yesterday.
Yesterday I tried to reach him, but with getting kids to school, meetings at our respective workplaces, then picking up kids and running errands with them... I didn't get a chance to talk to him.
I tried to text the words. But if didn't seem right. I had wanted a face to face chat, and if not, then a phone call.
He found out when he read his email at dinner time. Sort of not funny. But it feel like I avoided the responsibility of talking to him.
We talked just before I put kids to bed. He had hoped the appointment was to help us reconcile. It was a hard and sad conversation.
And it's just the beginning of the transition.
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Post by dinnaken on May 3, 2017 12:30:34 GMT -5
Thank you dinnaken . I filled in the online intake form last night. At the end of it I was sad. And I had all the classic signs of stress/tension: sore jaw, headache and an overwhelming feeling. When I woke this morning, still felt sad, but glad we have the appointment to help us. Good luck, there'll be hiccups along the way but we're all thinking of you |
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