A new explanation?

The world is full of sex... Selling sex is the oldest prifession...sex sells...anything...multibillion sex industry... do I need to carry on? Your wife has chosen to ignore the real world...but the most disturbing thing - she does not have any doubts in her own opinion...to the extend of ignoring everybody else... What is your choice?
You can agree and accept her delusional planet....

It may be unrealistic for us to have married someone without full explanations from each of: what do you think a healthy sex life IS?
For my deal, both of our definitions simply changed over 25 years together. I don't believe that either of us (my Ex & me) are "at fault" for that. It's just a pity that our changes were in opposite directions instead of closer to each other's preferred definitions.
No one is really at fault - either for not wanting it OR for "wanting too much"
But I couldn't live happily (even moderately so) in the remains of the partnership that became the "current" reality. By the time I ended it, we had exceeded the "sell by" date by at least a few years (8, mebbe?)

NCF - I think your W has simply created her own combination of semantics that she thought sounds good. Whether you accept/believe it is up to you. As you noted, it doesn't change any of the facts on the ground or the reality of what you're living with.
I hope you find some way to your own happiness.

Well... let's see. I don't want to jump to conclusions. May I ask what your expectations are regarding sex with her?

I don't know, things like... How often? How high of quality? How often the quality is up to par? What kind of sense of adventure? How much intimacy involved? What sense of romance? Etc Etc?

Also, what is she basing this accusation of a fantasy sex life on? Have you ever expressed overly high expections to her? Also, how much has she tried to meet your expectations through the years ...even if she may see them as unrealistic?

novembercomingfire,

I feel for you in your situation I was reading this morning about life as a teacher. Let it strengthen you and sand down those rough edges. Take this time to learn in your situation. Yeah, it's painful but if you can overcome it you'll feel much better.

It's better not to run and face something. It always comes back and more than likely you'll marry another woman who'll treat you the same way.

You have to accept that your wife is who she is. Work on yourself and then when you're strong and ready, then leave. When I gave up on trying to change my wife things started to change.

By accepting who your wife is does not mean you have to put with the negativity. If your wife is emotionally hurting you then start distancing yourself from her. I removed my wedding ring last year and have not worn it. It was the start of a major change in my life. It's a little thing but it's powerful.

This is as good an example as it gets when it comes to pursuing the "why". Even if you actually get an answer, how often does it really change anything. In my own situation I think I figured out the "why". My X simply had no desire, and no desire to have desire. She didn't really love me. I wasn't her soul mate. She was happy with what she saw as security and not being alone, and spending time with an amiable companion, except for being pestered about intimacy. She had a great travel companion, a really handy, handy man(40 yrs. construction/ building). She wasn't interested in sex with me or anyone else. Am I any better off knowing what I know? Are you?

Sounds like a bullshit excuse that makes no sense.
Reality? You either like to suck dick or you don't.
She doesn't.
Prepare yourself and protect yourself and make a better future for yourself!
That you can control! Your own reality!

I am going to try and explain what this means, ( a lot of guessing and personal testimony here, so bare with me) She is accusing you of having a fantasy "porn" mind.  It would not surprise me if she has a very low self image of her body. She very early on in your relationship found a "crutch" to lean on. Blaming you.  

Here's my testimony. See if any of this rings true for you. Age 14 I was given a stack of Playboy magazines by a neighbor. Not a good start. They got tossed when I was 17. I had a steady girlfriend for years. Sex came natural and often for us. The  video player was at my disposal for 9 yrs of living single.  Three yrs. of living/working on the road I limited my viewing down to a few single pictures. After the wedding came the disappointment. The DVD player filled my need. Much guilt/mingled with "what else can I do?" emotions.
 I recall a time almost 14 yrs ago when she accused me of "not looking directly at her " and that I was "fantasizing about some one else". Even if there was some truth to that, there was so much blame that could have easily come right back to her, The huge lack of showing any desire,  but the guilt of the previous years took over. 

There will always be people in this world that take the verse "anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her in his heart has committed adultery with her in his heart" and twist it, manipulate it, take it way out of context, to try and use it to escape their own fallacies and short comings.

My therapist asked me in private, "how much porn. do you look at ?"  I explained that I had one DVD for years, a few minutes a few days a week. Enough to get the job done. Also that I had managed to go more than a year, several different intervals with nothing.  He let me know" that is not an addiction, especially with what you have to deal with". (some in this world would call it an addiction, others would laugh about it) judge yourself!

Your W's response sounds very well executed. Planned, and organized. A master of manipulation. Friend please think of it as a major tipping point. Use it to your advantage as another step towards freedom, in a healing process. The FOG is lifted and you are now able to spot "red flags". Don't let the fire define you. the fires of life produce character, that brings hope!!

You have been trained and conditions to take and accept all blame. She will ALWAYS be asking the what ifs of bad things. YOU ,my friend, can start focusing on the what ifs of GOOD things that will happen! 

Who holds your future? Go and get to living! I would love to hear you tell me something new you did this week, for your self. YOU DESERVE IT!