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Post by bran127 on Apr 30, 2017 2:26:03 GMT -5
My husband and I have not had sex in 18 months and it is killing me. We have been together for 12 years and we have a 5 year old daughter together. He has never been super sexual but we were still regularly having sex for the first few years. Full disclosure - he did tell me after about 4 months of dating that he wasn't a sexual person so he wanted to be up front about it, and he admitted it had caused relationship problems in the past. I arrogantly assumed that "well he is going to have sex with me all the time because I am special". I wasn't. Over time it turned into having sex once every 2 months, then once every 4 months, and then 2 times a year (and at that point it just felt like he was placating me). we have talked about it several times and I have explained how it's humiliating to be rejected constantly and I have repeatedly asked him what he likes and what I can do to help. I have tried to spice it up and create a safe zone to talk about intimate things. Nothing worked. He gives me absolutely no emotion or any sort of communication. He gives me a hug. When we hit the 1 year mark, I begged and pleaded for an explanation, but I got another hug and the bonus of a kiss on the forehead. I have started the whole "it's all my fault", "I must not be attractive anymore" , "I can't take anymore rejection" pity party, but the truth is that it really fucking hurts. I have started to just accept that this is the way it is going to be and I just need to suck it up, but typing that pisses me off because I shouldn't have to. This is a need that I have and just cannot imagine not having that intimate contact anymore. Should I start to consider leaving?
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 30, 2017 2:43:45 GMT -5
Hello and welcome. I am sorry you find yourself here needing the adbice and comfort of this forum. I haven't been here long but I have found reading and participating to be very helpful; if nothing else it's a release of all the pent up pain and frustration.
First of all, it is not your fault. I repeat, NOT YOUR FAULT. Your husband admitted he was not very sexual, mine didn't but in retrospect no toonignored the signs and thought I could make it work.
No one can tell you whether to stay or go, ultimately that is up to you. Most likely, given your husbands past confessions and years of example, you will not be able to change his behavior. Now you must decide if you can accept him as he is forever. Some people choose to outsource, which is a valid option. have you considered an open relationship? Would he be ok with it? Of course, you have the option to leave as well.
I have chosen to stay for now. I think there may. E hope of restoring intimacy and my husband is willing to work toward s it. We have a three year old and I don't want to break up the family. In addition, I am planning on starting therapy for myself, as you say rejection over so many years can destroy your self confidence. You may want to look into therapy as well.
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 30, 2017 2:58:37 GMT -5
Welcome bran127 and firstly it is NOT your fault. Reading and participating here has been of immense help to me. Reading others stories here, you will realise you are not alone. You will find comfort, strength and sanity on those days when you question everything about your relationship and yourself. Keep reading, keep posting. Keep venting! Whatever you need. You have found yourself here and now it is time to take care of YOU. In my experience, similar to you in what I have read in your initial post, is that you have tried everything in your power to ignite something, to incite some kind of change. The rejection of those attempts over time fucks up your confidence, self esteem - it sucks but it happens. An acceptance creeps in at some point of realising that that is just the way it is. If there is absolutely no want on his part to engage in attempting to better the situation via therapy etc then in falls to you. You have options - but please take care of you. x |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 30, 2017 3:29:17 GMT -5
Hi Bran127
It's good to meet you but I'm sorry that it's here. No, this isn't your fault. At least your husband was open and if you were arrogant/overly-optimistic so what, why shouldn't you be? I was naive. Either way the end point for all of us here is the same - sadness, undermined self-confidence and low self-esteem.
What choice you make about your future is up to you.
For the moment you can realise that you are not alone. Spend some time reading the posts here and ask for advice. Read more widely and get well informed about your situation and your options. Look after yourself; this situation doesn't get easier with time.
Bye for now
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2017 6:37:40 GMT -5
I'm really sorry you have found yourself here.
It's a tough situation 18 months is celibacy not low sex drive it's NO sex drive.
Despite your ex saying he has a low sex drive there's a difference and you didn't sign up for celibacy that's extreme, that's what nuns do. We all think it - really nuns? they don't have sex?
Even once a month is a compromise so that you can feel loved.
However, sometimes in life we change as people, as we should. What's more concerning to me is the fact that the kiss is a peck on the forehead not a passionate kiss. At this stage of my life I will take passion any day over celibate love.
I reccomend you tell him that he's changed the rules of the game without you knowing. Tell him what you need and you're willing to compromise.
Ultimately it's his choice what he wants to do with his body and it's your choice what you want to do with your body and what you want for your body.
Welcome to the group.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2017 6:53:00 GMT -5
"Should I start to consider leaving?" - you ask Sister bran127
The short answer is "yes, you should start to take that choice into consideration".
For no other reason than that it is a perfectly legitimate option.
As is staying.
As is cheating.
You really need to explore all these options, and work out what's the one that will be in your longer term best interests.
You've got a wealth of first hand knowledge about "staying" and are finding that choice very unfulfilling, so it would make sense to find out as much as you can about "not staying".
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Post by h on Apr 30, 2017 9:06:43 GMT -5
My wife has told me several times in the past that she is not very sexual and just isn't "that kind of girl" (her words). The only difference is that she never told me this before the wedding. She waited for a few years to go by. If she had told me that before, I never would have married her. We have had a severely limited sex life but our longest dry spell never went past 3 months. If it ever went a year, I would be out the door with no looking back. For now, I'm still trying to keep us together but only because I have seen some actual positive signs that she is interested in the same.
With no effort from your spouse to meet your needs, leaving is a serious consideration. 18 months of celibacy is completely unacceptable. Consider asking him if he would care whether you got your needs met with someone else. Either he'll be fine with it, or he may decide to change or split up. Better than hanging out in limbo.
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Post by lyn on Apr 30, 2017 11:11:18 GMT -5
bran127Welcome to the group! I am sorry though that it seems you do belong. Your husband has unilaterally decided that you're both to be celibate beings in a sexual world. Great for him as he's apparently asexual, no bueno for you as you have a healthy libido. One bright note - you have found this group. Maybe by reading through many of our stories - posting on threads - sharing more about your story - you will probably (hopefully) come to the realization that, No, it's NOT you. It's HIM. You are ENOUGH - just fine the way you are. I lived in this mindset for years only realizing that HE'S the one with the problem that then makes it my problem after discovering what everyone here has gone through also. A couple things - Really take care of yourself. Do not allow yourself to think negative thoughts - at all - about you. You are a wonderfully unique, amazing person with tons of incredible qualities just by virtue of being YOU. Remind yourself of this often - especially when negative thoughts creep in. Start thinking about what the HAPPY version of your life looks like. What would it take to make this version of things a reality? Maybe seek indivifual therapy - exercise - eat well. And last, for merely the sake of information you may or may not need one day, consider getting a free consultation with an attorney just to see what things would potentially look like shoukd you decide to leave the marriage. I truly empathisize with what you're going through. Hugs
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Post by bran127 on Apr 30, 2017 14:32:06 GMT -5
Thank you all for being so supportive, and I will take your advice to read through the posts and get more involved. It seems like this is an amazing group of people.
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Post by h on Apr 30, 2017 14:53:54 GMT -5
Thank you all for being so supportive, and I will take your advice to read through the posts and get more involved. It seems like this is an amazing group of people. I'm new here too as of just last week. They are a good group. It's a good way to clear your head and get your thoughts straight. Sometimes just writing about it and getting it out is a help in itself. The support from those who have been in the same situation makes it easier to deal with also. Welcome to the club that we all need but that nobody wants to be a member of...☺ |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 30, 2017 22:48:41 GMT -5
Welcome. It seems, at least at first, he was up front and at least willing to compromise on some level, correct? Then he just decided it wasn't worth the compromise anymore? Sounds like bait and switch. I hope you find good advice here.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2017 8:34:54 GMT -5
he told you from the start, so you knew this would happen. At least you should have known. Good news is that it is not you, so why even think that way?
In my case, we agreed that I could find sex elsewhere because she had no desire. I think that may be a real possibility for you too.
Husband knows that he is not sexual. Maybe he would be open to you finding it elsewhere. If not, then you have to choose.
find it else where on the down low or leave...oh yeah, or you could stay and be miserable...like the rest of us, LOL
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