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Post by WindSister on Apr 28, 2017 10:41:04 GMT -5
I am sure this has been discussed here, but I was talking with a co-worker about this and thought of my own previous SM.
During a long talk I remember my ex trying to open up. He apologized and said, "I am selfish." He hung his head and looked real sad. I took that, at the time, as a huge, great step towards us getting to a better place. WOW.. he acknowledged it!! (hope reigns)
Well, that's all he ever did -- acknowledge it.
After awhile he said it almost smugly, "I am selfish, you know that."
I did know that.
Because I knew that, eventually it did become my fault for putting up with it. He was never going to change. He had absolutely zero intention of changing. Yet I some how thought all the work we were doing would change him??
I was rowing the proverbial boat all alone, around and around...
Until I jumped ship.
Having a partner that is actually rowing with you?
Beyond amazing. (I will spare you the details of that wonderfulness this time)
Don't let them sit on empty apologies. Expect action. If they offer none? Well, then there are some choices to make....
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appleaday
Junior Member
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 28, 2017 13:11:03 GMT -5
I just talked with my husband about a week and a half ago )maybe two weeks) and he admitted he knew the sexlessness was an issue. Then he took complete blame and went on about how he was terrible and. Token bit maybe if he exercised he would get better. So he started jogging in the am and holds my hand without provocation and tries to cuddle at night. But I'm not sure jogging is going to fix things really. The issue was there before the weight gain and he says it's psychological in his part so who knows.
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Post by h on Apr 28, 2017 14:20:36 GMT -5
I just talked with my husband about a week and a half ago )maybe two weeks) and he admitted he knew the sexlessness was an issue. Then he took complete blame and went on about how he was terrible and. Token bit maybe if he exercised he would get better. So he started jogging in the am and holds my hand without provocation and tries to cuddle at night. But I'm not sure jogging is going to fix things really. The issue was there before the weight gain and he says it's psychological in his part so who knows. Changes don't happen quickly though. If this is the first time he has owned up to his issues, give him the benefit of the doubt. He may surprise you. You have at least seen some visible changes. Last night, my wife suggested that we go for a walk together. It's been the first sign of exercise I have seen from her in a few years. Exercise typically increases drive. It has to be a good start. If the actions don't lead anywhere or his words don't match down the road, feel free to press further. You can determine what length of time is appropriate to wait. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 28, 2017 14:33:03 GMT -5
I just talked with my husband about a week and a half ago )maybe two weeks) and he admitted he knew the sexlessness was an issue. Then he took complete blame and went on about how he was terrible and. Token bit maybe if he exercised he would get better. So he started jogging in the am and holds my hand without provocation and tries to cuddle at night. But I'm not sure jogging is going to fix things really. The issue was there before the weight gain and he says it's psychological in his part so who knows. Sounds like he wants to make HIM feel better. So yes. Selfish it is. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 28, 2017 14:39:34 GMT -5
[/quote]Sounds like he wants to make HIM feel better. So yes. Selfish it is.[/quote]
Maybe, it's definitely possible. Or he could be truly feeling awful and being avoidant because of self esteem or depression issues. Either way the response was not super helpful. I think after we or at least I try therapy we can bring this issue up again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2017 17:41:14 GMT -5
Arh got to love the victim card. It's not my fault because .....
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 29, 2017 4:32:31 GMT -5
I am sure this has been discussed here, but I was talking with a co-worker about this and thought of my own previous SM. During a long talk I remember my ex trying to open up. He apologized and said, "I am selfish." He hung his head and looked real sad. I took that, at the time, as a huge, great step towards us getting to a better place. WOW.. he acknowledged it!! (hope reigns) Well, that's all he ever did -- acknowledge it. After awhile he said it almost smugly, "I am selfish, you know that." I did know that. Because I knew that, eventually it did become my fault for putting up with it. He was never going to change. He had absolutely zero intention of changing. Yet I some how thought all the work we were doing would change him?? I was rowing the proverbial boat all alone, around and around... Until I jumped ship. Having a partner that is actually rowing with you? Beyond amazing. (I will spare you the details of that wonderfulness this time) Don't let them sit on empty apologies. Expect action. If they offer none? Well, then there are some choices to make.... thank you for posting this. I had a very emotional day yesterday - it has been an extremely hard week with all the talking and the effects of that. I was looking at the house and thinking oh shit what happened to all our plans and hopes for the future. I ended up curled up on the bed sobbing. H came up and broke down too. He said he can't imagine life without me - pretty impossible thought after over 20 years together. I know all the promises in the world that he wants to change things, start from zero again, really "try' will lead us exactly down that same path yet again. Evidence over more than 2 decades has shown this to be true time and time again, so why should this time be any different? The difference this time is that for me, that side appears to have died. I no longer have any desire to be intimate with H. The trust and confidence has gone. I just don't have any strength left in me to get back into that cycle again. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2017 7:08:57 GMT -5
Empty apologies followed by empty promises to change. Sadly, I know those well. It took me years to figure it out though, ever the optimist.
I'll be voting with my feet in a little over a year's time. I'm counting the months until my escape. Thanks for giving validation and hope, awakeforthedance!
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 29, 2017 9:40:15 GMT -5
I don't even get any acknowledgment of a problem, let alone an apology for it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 29, 2017 10:45:09 GMT -5
I don't even get any acknowledgment of a problem, let alone an apology for it. Ditto!! We should be thankful!! Look at the cup as half full. A t least we were not tormented by more continues half actions, like "love bombing". This is where hind sight is 20/20. All the years of postponing the inevitable. Clinging to false hope, avoiding the "issues" and pretending " I am okay", while inside you are dying. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 29, 2017 11:53:23 GMT -5
I don't even get any acknowledgment of a problem, let alone an apology for it. I get acknowledgement of a problem. But of course there wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for me. Of course I am the cause of the problem. No apologies necessary you see. Supposedly I should be apologizing to her for my shortcomings. The worst part of that is that I actually do apologize to her for my shortcomings ... |
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Post by iceman on Apr 29, 2017 18:36:24 GMT -5
This sounds very familiar though to be fair my W never really promised any kind of change. She just admits that she doesn't appreciate me, takes me for granted, and realizes she's been a disappointment (her word) when it comes to sex. I kept assuming that by acknowledging all of this that she would work to make some changes. Silly me. Acknowledgement was all she was able muster. It's as though that somehow her acknowledgment shoild give me strength to accept the situation.
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Post by Dan on Apr 29, 2017 22:05:25 GMT -5
I just talked with my husband about a week and a half ago )maybe two weeks) and he admitted he knew the sexlessness was an issue. Then he took complete blame and went on about how he was terrible and. Token bit maybe if he exercised he would get better. So he started jogging in the am and holds my hand without provocation and tries to cuddle at night. But I'm not sure jogging is going to fix things really. The issue was there before the weight gain and he says it's psychological in his part so who knows. Exercising could very well help your H's libido. Getting the blood flowing to the muscles and the brain is JUST GOOD. And getting fit -- if he is overweight -- is a good idea, too. Metabolic syndrome (overweight, high blood pressure, hyperlipidemia, diabetes) ALL mess with one's endocrine system. Getting fit helps bring the body's systems back in to whack. Plus, looking better in the mirror could be a needed confidence boost. Does he snore? A lot and loud? He may have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). Have him talk to his doctor about getting a sleep study. OSA is a vicious cycle: extra weight can be a big factor in OSA, which leads to daily tiredness, then the person EATS MORE to get an energy boost in the afternoon... which in time worsens the OSA. Starting on CPAP therapy may directly bring off any weight... but he's more likely to stick with an exercise routine if not exhausted from a lousy night sleep. (Bonus: CPAP therapy reduces snoring and the spouse can sleep better, too.) NOW -- as per the title of this thread -- all of this advice is for naught if he doesn't follow through. If you haven't given up yet (on your marriage), then a little spousal encouragement might go a long way. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 30, 2017 2:23:31 GMT -5
I just talked with my husband about a week and a half ago )maybe two weeks) and he admitted he knew the sexlessness was an issue. Then he took complete blame and went on about how he was terrible and. Token bit maybe if he exercised he would get better. So he started jogging in the am and holds my hand without provocation and tries to cuddle at night. But I'm not sure jogging is going to fix things really. The issue was there before the weight gain and he says it's psychological in his part so who knows. Exercising could very well help your H's libido. Getting the blood flowing to the muscles and the brain is JUST GOOD. And getting fit -- if he is overweight -- is a good idea, too. Metabolic syndrome (overweight, high blood pressure, hyperlipidemia, diabetes) ALL mess with one's endocrine system. Getting fit helps bring the body's systems back in to whack. Plus, looking better in the mirror could be a needed confidence boost. Does he snore? A lot and loud? He may have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). Have him talk to his doctor about getting a sleep study. OSA is a vicious cycle: extra weight can be a big factor in OSA, which leads to daily tiredness, then the person EATS MORE to get an energy boost in the afternoon... which in time worsens the OSA. Starting on CPAP therapy may directly bring off any weight... but he's more likely to stick with an exercise routine if not exhausted from a lousy night sleep. (Bonus: CPAP therapy reduces snoring and the spouse can sleep better, too.) NOW -- as per the title of this thread -- all of this advice is for naught if he doesn't follow through. If you haven't given up yet (on your marriage), then a little spousal encouragement might go a long way. Yeah, I know all that can help and he does snore. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with GERD but no medicine has helped yet. He sleeps propped up or in a chair and neither of us get super restful sleep. I know this all contributes. Our doctor is not very helpful in seeking more aggressive treatments so we are looking to switch to doctors if we can. The hope has been he will get treatment and sleep better and be more energized but the medical system is not helping. I definitely haven't given up yet, so thanks for the tips and encouragement. |
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