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Post by zoltar on Apr 27, 2017 0:31:23 GMT -5
Hi Folks,
Firstly, a big thanks for the support in my other thread ("just had to tell some folks"). I've recently re-read it all, and it is interesting to see where I've come from.
When I first opened that thread, I was desperate to try and "fix" things, we'd recently been through counseling and I was working on my faults. However, it is almost painful to read how I deferred it all to her, that I had handed over all control. When I did start to speak up, I got many "It's always all about you!!" retorts, and that shook me, but these days I am not fazed by such things.
I've reached the point where I know it's over - she really doesn't express any interest at all, and unless there is some miraculous turnout or she has some sort of epiphany, no chance that is going to change. My bushwalks have been a great litmus test in this regard - every time I go, I invite her along. Every excuse you can imagine is trotted out, and when eventually those are overused/exposed/debunked, I get the standard, "It takes too long. oh I wouldn't even want to do something I like for that long" which can you see is a double-whammy - both saying it is a "unfun" activity and that she wont commit to anything I suggest. (the "takes too long" excuse is one I've heard many times)
What I'm stuck on now is when to act. (Now!! I hear you say?) I haven't researched the legal options properly and I know that's an essential step. And I understand that there is basically "no right time" to bring it up.
So for those of you that have been through this - was there a moment or time that seemed to nudge things conversation wise the correct way?
Of course at this stage, we have very few real conversations. I spend most of my time in my shed, as she and the daughters are in the lounge ruling the TV, and I'm not into the shows they watch and vise-versa. She's into the wine most nights so if I leave it for a few hours, she's a bit sozzled or already gone off to bed - neither ideal for these topics. There's also my 15 and (nearly) 17 year old daughters to consider, I don't want to broadside them too much (I'm sure they are pretty aware of things, even if they feign otherwise).
I was going to bring up our separate sleeping arrangements, and I think this looks to be the end. And then see what response I get? Probably indifference, but I'm trying to set up things in people's mind to try and reduce the shock. Am I on a fools errand?
Again, thanks to all, it is great to have a group of people who can understand without some very tortured explanations!
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Post by unmatched on Apr 27, 2017 0:42:59 GMT -5
I would strongly recommend having a good idea of your legal/financial position before you bring it up. It seems there is a better than average chance of things spiralling rapidly downhill from that point. As for the conversation itself I am not sure what you are hoping for. Your wife and daughters are all aware that the relationship isn't great. Your daughters definitely don't need to be agonising over what might or might not happen until you know what you are going to do.
As for your wife, are you hoping she will have a sudden epiphany and start making changes? Or that you can somehow smooth out the process and make it more of a mutual decision? Either way you want to be confident of your legal/financial standing, and I am not sure that nudging the conversation is going to help. You might just need to take a deep breath and jump on in.
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Post by TMD on Apr 27, 2017 1:36:40 GMT -5
The "sort of" part in the title of your thread resonates strongly with me.
I gave my roommate notice in July of 2015 that the marriage was over. My exit strategy had holes, it wasn't executable when the time came. Sort of not ready, was I.
The best, THE ABSOLUTELY BEST, thing I have done for myself, aside from returning to the workforce last fall, is fully understanding my financial situation. The legal part I understood. But only recently was I able to comprehend it (I'm not thick, but I wasn't thinking clearly).
Knowing the numbers, knowing we will all be okay when the chaos of separation/divorce dissipates, has given me confidence and resolve I only recently discovered.
So don't be "sort of" ready. BE ready. Get informed. Plan your exit thoughtfully. And remember that the plan is also vital with which you can communicate to your children, who no matter their age, need to know that you know what you're doing in order to feel secure.
Then you ARE ready.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate through this process.
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Post by zoltar on Apr 27, 2017 2:51:41 GMT -5
Thanks to both of you. And yes, you're right, I need to have the plan properly sorted before I make any moves like I am suggesting. For some reason the situation has been playing on my mind this week, and I know I have over-thought it. And that leads me to irritation and wanting to take action...now! I have a bushwalk coming up Monday, that will be a perfect way to clear the head. So back to my original plan, and do my best to keep my mind positively engaged in the mean time  thanks again cheers, |
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Post by baza on Apr 27, 2017 3:08:29 GMT -5
Brother zoltarPreparation is everything. If you are fully prepped, then the *timing* issue of dropping the bomb (if that's your choice) is at your discretion. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. 6 months time. Or indeed "never". Being prepped is pivotal. If you are appropriately prepped, you have every chance of bringing this off successfully. If you go in half arsed, you are asking for trouble. |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 27, 2017 3:21:54 GMT -5
Hi Zoltar,
I suggest that you'll never be completely prepared.
WHAT you say is more important than WHEN you say it. At some point you will just have to sit down with her and say 'This isn't working for me and I want out' or words to that effect. I found the UK Relate web site useful. Be absolutely clear that you want out - no if's, buts or maybe's - no ambiguity
Face up to your fears, when you do you'll find that worries just become concerns and so on.
Put all anger and bitterness aside it has no place, no matter how you feel. Apologise for your mistakes but don't be drawn into debate.
I was very concerned about how my wife would react and I waited until my child was out of the house for the day and we had the TALK after breakfast. It was absolutely no fun at all but it went OK; you never know it might be fine.
Good luck
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Post by shamwow on Apr 27, 2017 12:19:14 GMT -5
The "sort of" part in the title of your thread resonates strongly with me. I gave my roommate notice in July of 2015 that the marriage was over. My exit strategy had holes, it wasn't executable when the time came. Sort of not ready, was I. The best, THE ABSOLUTELY BEST, thing I have done for myself, aside from returning to the workforce last fall, is fully understanding my financial situation. The legal part I understood. But only recently was I able to comprehend it (I'm not thick, but I wasn't thinking clearly). Knowing the numbers, knowing we will all be okay when the chaos of separation/divorce dissipates, has given me confidence and resolve I only recently discovered. So don't be "sort of" ready. BE ready. Get informed. Plan your exit thoughtfully. And remember that the plan is also vital with which you can communicate to your children, who no matter their age, need to know that you know what you're doing in order to feel secure. Then you ARE ready. Wishing you all the best as you navigate through this process. Ha! There is decent chance we were giving the "roommate" talk to our respective spouses at the same time....July 2015 |
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Post by zoltar on Apr 28, 2017 2:20:56 GMT -5
Baza...you are the patron saint of this board - thank you for being here!
I started some research on divorce, and immediately found some resources that help step you through "what's required", which is really useful.
I will work through those so I have some basics down before I seek legal advice. Just reading through those helped bring into focus some items I need to work on, eg. where I am, we have to be legally separated for 12 months before you can go for divorce. So there's my first point of focus.
Thanks again to all!
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2017 3:10:11 GMT -5
Good on you Brother zoltarI think the more information you gather, and the further your exit strategy develops, then the "easier" you will find the process. That is to say, you'll probably *only* find it "really really difficult" rather than "practically impossible" !! "Really really difficult" is do-able. Every bit of prep you do now, you'll thank yourself for doing, tomorrow. |
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Post by zoltar on Jun 9, 2017 0:57:40 GMT -5
Hello All, Given the great support this site has given me, even as a lurker before I posted (I only have two threads, this and one other), I think I owe you all an update. As per my other thread, I had started doing things important to me, and one of those is Bushwalking (yes I'm an Aussie). Since November last year I had been embarking on various walks, usually one a month. Over the last few months, I've had some people accompanying me, my parents, some friends, made the walks even more enjoyable This is relevant for later in this tome. Around the start of May, I had determined that the relationship with the STBX was not going to change, and I needed to take the initiative. I took brother Baza's advice and checked out the "legals" to see where things stood, and to ensure I was making steps in the right direction. After much nail-biting, and feeble attempts to sway conversations the way required to progress things, I was still stuck. So I took to email, and wearing my most objective, calm and reasonable hat I penned an email saying it was over; that we'd been living "separated under one roof" (legal term) for almost a year; That we should be both free to pursue other people and that she was released from having "worry about me". After a rather unsettling silence, the reply came back as basically, "That's fine". From that point on, the house was much calmer (not that we were at each other's throats, but it was at times, tense). We told our girls (17 & 15) who, unsurprisingly basically went, "yep, we thought so". STBX seems much happier, as it appears that is what she was after all along. Progress has started on dividing things, with the ultimate aim of selling up, splitting everything and moving on. Only relatively early days, but so far all amicable. We've both committed to try and keep it that way (although who really knows what the future will bring). Now, back to the bushwalking. At the same time I had resolved I was staring down the end of the marriage, a friend's wife brought along one of her friends for a walk. Just a random happenstance, no surreptitious planning or anything here. We had a good time together on the walk, along with the other 4-5 people and did the friend thing on FB etc. And we started chatting. And chatting. And then speaking on the phone. And more chatting, and phone....and I think you get the idea. Tonight we're off to have dinner, after a lunch last week. I've been lucky enough to stumble upon someone with who communication flows easily without boundaries, we have similar interests, goals and aspirations. And we're nuts about each other. I know it's early days, and of course this phase doesn't last forever, but my god it is simply the best start to a relationship I've ever had. For a while, it didn't seem possible, but it sure as hell is. So again, thanks to all on this site who post, commented on my threads or even just lurk and keep the views ticking over. The shared experience here just made it so much easier to keep going, knowing that others had been there, and knew the pain, and that it can, and probably will, get better. Cheers, Zoltar. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 9, 2017 1:42:48 GMT -5
zoltar what a wonderfully positive post - I'm so pleased for you. I'm glad that it went (so far) relatively smoothly with your kids. Mine are absolutely my priority and H and I totally agree on this. The research on your position legally only serves to give you strength - whenever you wish to action it. There will still be emotional rollercoasters - all part of the deal. I think I bought a season ticket to the shittiest theme park in the world, but every day I'm getting stronger, clearer of mind and more focussed on a better future. Zipcode therapy has been fantastic. Had a wobbly few days where the oppression I felt took a while to lift, but have reconnected with friends and family I had woefully isolated myself from as part of my SM. My personality has returned - I don't think I've smiled or laughed so much in years! I've met somebody rather wonderful too - he's in an SM deal as well and there has been the most magnificent connection. Makes me very hopeful for something down the line. Reaffirms, as I'm sure you feel , that you are attractive in all sorts of ways, physically, intellectually.... A fabulous boost to one's self esteem which had been horribly eroded during the SM. I wish you all the very best in your journey forward. Please keep us updated! x
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 9, 2017 4:57:17 GMT -5
From what I have gathered here on this forum and EP, "the right time" comes shortly after "the last straw". They may say or do something that they have repeatedly done in the past, but the cumulative effect is too much for the refused party. Or something is said or done to expose the true face of the refuser which is more than the refusee can bear.
It seems to be different for each person - you work on changing yourself and suddenly you are willing to take less bullshit.
I, however, am not divorced nor am I contemplating asking for a divorce in the near future - so, I may not be your best advisor here.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 9, 2017 8:31:31 GMT -5
Hello zoltar, I'm glad you are making headway. Love your screen name by the way, thats another one of those films that has such a bizarrely ironic love-twist to it, sad but good, but then most things with Tom Hanks in are. I think all of us here deserve some credit for perservering for so long with partners who either abuse us mentally or physically as well. I'm delighted you have found some happiness from it all. It's something I must say I had never thought I would find, but within a couple of months have managed, through the support of this forum and its members, to get a better direction on what I should be doing with my life, and somehow or another, have a far better handle on how to co-ordinate 'the rest of my life'. I hadnt read your original post, as joined long after, so I had a look this afternoon and found we have striking similarities with our SM. My partner also has an unhealthy liking for wine, which at one stage following a bout of extreme anger (read physical abuse) sought counselling and anti-depressants, which she then mixed with alcohol. It actually signified the end for me, with our relationship I mean. I tried to tell her on a bunch of occasions, was promised to attend joint marriage therapy/counselling, all of it untrue, so I have been living 'in limbo' ever since. Its the people here who have helped me get things into perspective, and I have been kicking myself for lacking the strength to proceed with an exit strategy for so long, stagnating away in a loveless, sexless world for a decade, and knowing for far longer than that things were far from right. But the support and knowledge here has put that into place, and I'm a better, more focused, happier character than I have been in a long time. So, returning to your profile name, if I had a quarter (aussie 25 cents/ American Quarter, or maybe a UK 50pence piece, because everything in our country is too expensive) to roll into the Zoltar machine, I know what I would be wishing for, and it involves spending the rest of my days with someone with the same spiritual, emotional, and dare I say it sexual connection that any decent relationship deserves. Good luck to you :-) And dont get lost in the bush. And if you do, then I hope you enjoy it (and she does too) |
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2017 3:43:26 GMT -5
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