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Post by baza on Apr 26, 2017 1:30:02 GMT -5
OK.
I have a real moral dilemma for you to consider.
Here is the scenario.
#1 - you are married
#2 - you discover your spouse has taken up playing the slots
#3 - your spouse currently holds Power of Attorney for her invalid Sister (she used to hold the Power of Attorney jointly with her other Sister, but the other Sister is recovering from cancer) and has unfettered access to her invalid Sisters money - of which there is plenty.
Do you -
(a) - surreptitiously attempt to find out if your spouse is burning her Sister financially ?
(b) - let your Sister In Law know what the score is ?
I'd be interested to know what the members think they would do.
Where do the boundaries lie ?
When is the right to privacy over-ridden by financial responsibility ?
What is the fall out if you do nothing ?
What is the fall out if you do something ?
If anyone is interested, I'll post later (after the members have had a crack at it) with what I did.
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Post by brian on Apr 26, 2017 6:09:33 GMT -5
Brother baz,
I would do 2 things, first, your (a)... try to discover if the money is coming from her sister's account. This should be relatively easy... it's either coming from the marital accounts or her sister's account. Eliminate one and you have your answer. I would probably also add an option (c) confront spouse, because gambling can ruin a marriage, put the innocent spouse into financial jeopardy, and cause a huge rift in extended family relationships. The conversation comes from love and concern, and is not an inquisition.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2017 7:53:03 GMT -5
baza This is a difficult place to be in. Without know the history of the financial dynamic of the marriage I would feel that a talk to the cancer ridden sister is in order. It actually doesn't even need to be about the invalids funds. It can be about the concern of her behavior. Finding out from her sister is she has ever shown an addictive personality when she was younger. A concern that this can spiral out of control is valid. I've personally seen it happen. Not fun. I do not envy your position.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 8:11:08 GMT -5
I was married to a man with a gambling problem.
My 11 year old son got cash for Christmas from his dad's aunt and his dad said let me hold that for you. He bought scratch offs and never gave my son his money. I replaced the $20 and my son learned to hold onto his money.
Gambling is a sickness.
I never confronted my H about it but I was on my way out of the marriage and keeping the peace.
I would at the very least give the sister in law a heads up to check on her account.
The person I am today will never tolerate excessive gambling or any type of addictive behavior. The person I am today would confront my spouse and ask where they are getting the money to hit the slots from?
I would tell them what I suspect and if they are doing something that is not ethical they better prepare themselves for the repercussions.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Apr 26, 2017 10:04:14 GMT -5
Ummm....I think the point got lost here. There is a serious question about the dynamics of privacy and secrecy in a sexless marriage. And the difficulty around navigating these tough situations. And trusting someone else while trying to cope.
I really think the whole financial gambling sidebar ignores a serious point that is relevant to many of us. And frankly isn't SM related at all.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 11:37:57 GMT -5
Ah... this reminds me of the Social Worker test I had to take - there is no "right or wrong" answers so you have to try to attempt to choose "the best" answer. Head-banging-against-wall.
Choice/consequence. That will be the moral. There is always a choice and there is always a consequence to that choice. We choose the best we can at the time with the consequences we can live with at the time. Baza is the king of choice/consequence.
I don't feel this discussion is ignoring the seriousness of SM issues at all.
I would first ask my spouse, "Are you gambling with your sister's money?" I would base my next move on their response/body language, eye contact, etc.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 26, 2017 11:44:08 GMT -5
Personally I would seek legal advice from a lawyer friend and possibly see if he could drum up some way of carrying out " routine checks" on the invalid sisters account, perhaps also involving the bank's advice re concerns. Unfortunately, if found to be true it will be a police matter, but sad as addictions are this needs stopped or at least looked into asap...... EDIT ****after much head scratching at the latter posts in this thread I see that this stems from the idea that one shouldn't snoop on one's spouse. With Baza's scenario (which seems to be a previous RL scenario ) I think it's ok to snoop. If you are genuinely concerned about something then why not snoop? I don't understand why that should never be ok as some have suggested.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 11:47:29 GMT -5
I am sure this is not happening "now" -- it's not hypothetical either. And I am sure it was a tough spot to find yourself.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2017 14:38:12 GMT -5
Ummm....I think the point got lost here. There is a serious question about the dynamics of privacy and secrecy in a sexless marriage. And the difficulty around navigating these tough situations. And trusting someone else while trying to cope. I really think the whole financial gambling sidebar ignores a serious point that is relevant to many of us. And frankly isn't SM related at all. Actually it didn't get lost. While not speaking for others - I simply choose to ignore the A or B answers he presented and instead picked C or D (All the above my personal favorite) While this may be a social worker test looking for the "Best answer among bad choices" I personally think that there is a SM correlation. 1 Because baza 2 Because it can be an allegorical representation of using "affair partners" (cheating - Let's not sugar coat it) 1 person in the marriage is making decisions without the other one knowing. Decisions that can destroy and ruin the marriage. |
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Post by dancingbear70 on Apr 26, 2017 15:06:39 GMT -5
Ummm....I think the point got lost here. There is a serious question about the dynamics of privacy and secrecy in a sexless marriage. And the difficulty around navigating these tough situations. And trusting someone else while trying to cope. I really think the whole financial gambling sidebar ignores a serious point that is relevant to many of us. And frankly isn't SM related at all. Actually it didn't get lost. While not speaking for others - I simply choose to ignore the A or B answers he presented and instead picked C or D (All the above my personal favorite) While this may be a social worker test looking for the "Best answer among bad choices" I personally think that there is a SM correlation. 1 Because baza 2 Because it can be an allegorical representation of using "affair partners" (cheating - Let's not sugar coat it) I person in the marriage is making decisions without the other one knowing. Decisions that can destroy and ruin the marriage. - The OP deleted her post after the subject was hijacked. Probably before you saw it. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 26, 2017 15:15:53 GMT -5
Actually it didn't get lost. While not speaking for others - I simply choose to ignore the A or B answers he presented and instead picked C or D (All the above my personal favorite) While this may be a social worker test looking for the "Best answer among bad choices" I personally think that there is a SM correlation. 1 Because baza 2 Because it can be an allegorical representation of using "affair partners" (cheating - Let's not sugar coat it) I person in the marriage is making decisions without the other one knowing. Decisions that can destroy and ruin the marriage. - The OP deleted her post after the subject was hijacked. Probably before you saw it. Thank you db. I did move my post to a new thread. This one is Baza's now. It's standing well on its own. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 15:16:04 GMT -5
I thought something was weird here. Why'd ya delete OP? Come back.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 15:17:09 GMT -5
wewbwb - The OP deleted her post after the subject was hijacked. Probably before you saw it. Thank you db. I did move my post to a new thread. This one is Baza's now. It's standing well on its own. Ahhh.... it's all clear now.  |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2017 15:23:37 GMT -5
Actually it didn't get lost. While not speaking for others - I simply choose to ignore the A or B answers he presented and instead picked C or D (All the above my personal favorite) While this may be a social worker test looking for the "Best answer among bad choices" I personally think that there is a SM correlation. 1 Because baza 2 Because it can be an allegorical representation of using "affair partners" (cheating - Let's not sugar coat it) I person in the marriage is making decisions without the other one knowing. Decisions that can destroy and ruin the marriage. - The OP deleted her post after the subject was hijacked. Probably before you saw it. I'm sorry - It must have been. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 26, 2017 15:44:06 GMT -5
I'm a pretty good cook, so I'd treat her to my Ricin Souffle.
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