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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2017 17:12:47 GMT -5
While I was married and living in the same house as my H the resentment was out of control and I was so angry.
I'm not angry anymore for the most part. I hardly ever cry. I wanted the divorce and I got it but sometimes I'm sad, a little mad, I'm not sure it's actually resentment because my head knows I made the right choice for my future. Sometimes I look at my ex and think he's handsome why couldn't he want me like a normal man wants sex? Of course my head understands that he is probably normal we just weren't sexually compatible.
Most times I look at him and there's zero attraction, I don't even think he's handsome. I have zero sexual attraction for him.
So this week I was a little sad for what should have been.
My heart was sad but my head knows I did right by myself.
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2017 17:57:24 GMT -5
It is indeed the resentment that poisons things and drives the marriage into ILIASM shithole status.
When / if you get out, you are at least not adding *fresh* resentment to the pile - which is a good thing.
But you ARE going to have to deal with the "old" resentment you have accrued, and that is no easy thing to do.
And in fact, I personally think that there is some of the resentment that you never fully "get over". It can still sometimes emerge out of no-where and bite you on the arse.
In my experience (and I got out in Oct 2009, 7 and a half years ago) I've found that the number of times "old resentment" bites me on the arse has lessened appreciably with the passage of time.
It rarely happens to me these days, but it never *entirely* goes away.
But it IS manageable.
That was then, and this is now.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2017 18:03:36 GMT -5
It is indeed the resentment that poisons things and drives the marriage into ILIASM shithole status. When / if you get out, you are at least not adding *fresh* resentment to the pile - which is a good thing. But you ARE going to have to deal with the "old" resentment you have accrued, and that is no easy thing to do. And in fact, I personally think that there is some of the resentment that you never fully "get over". It can still sometimes emerge out of no-where and bite you on the arse. In my experience (and I got out in Oct 2009, 7 and a half years ago) I've found that the number of times "old resentment" bites me on the arse has lessened appreciably with the passage of time. It rarely happens to me these days, but it never *entirely* goes away. But it IS manageable. That was then, and this is now. That is all so true. I'm happier now but yes it creeps up sometimes. Thank you |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 25, 2017 21:38:18 GMT -5
The "should have beens" are an awful trap in the human psyche, bballgirl. Not to mention that absinthe makes the tart grow fonder (not calling you a tart here). I fell into this trap when my parents enquired, after my father had retired, if they could come and live with me on my land and help me. I said 'yes'. Neither of them had ever communicated, had ever listened to what I said. And I disregarded that memory. Own goal. It got to the point where I'd sneak out secretly to do my work so they would not come and 'help' once they were established in their own house. They caused me so much grief over the following years because their 'help' usually amounted to sabotage where I had to undo their messes and then do things right: twice the work for me and no help at all - and if I asked them to do something for me, there were always 1001 reasons why they could not possibly do THAT. I remember you, when you were still living with Mr. Bballgirl. Ranting. Spitting brass tacks at his patronizing attitude, at his not listening to you, at his disregard, his emotional abuse, his put-downs. It's amazing how we tend to forget those things, sweep them under the mental carpet. Keep telling that treacherous heart that it's an idiot.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 25, 2017 22:40:04 GMT -5
Sound like your dealing with the "forgiveness' stage? I spoke with an attorney tonight who was divorced ten years ago. He has zero communication with his ex. However he still has doubts about his decision to end things. This is where the continuing process of "forgiving yourself" comes in. Reminding yourself of how much you have gained, how much more you accept and appreciate your true self, and how you will continue to do so. By "forgiving yourself".
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 7:13:50 GMT -5
The "should have beens" are an awful trap in the human psyche, bballgirl. Not to mention that absinthe makes the tart grow fonder (not calling you a tart here). I fell into this trap when my parents enquired, after my father had retired, if they could come and live with me on my land and help me. I said 'yes'. Neither of them had ever communicated, had ever listened to what I said. And I disregarded that memory. Own goal. It got to the point where I'd sneak out secretly to do my work so they would not come and 'help' once they were established in their own house. They caused me so much grief over the following years because their 'help' usually amounted to sabotage where I had to undo their messes and then do things right: twice the work for me and no help at all - and if I asked them to do something for me, there were always 1001 reasons why they could not possibly do THAT. I remember you, when you were still living with Mr. Bballgirl. Ranting. Spitting brass tacks at his patronizing attitude, at his not listening to you, at his disregard, his emotional abuse, his put-downs. It's amazing how we tend to forget those things, sweep them under the mental carpet. Keep telling that treacherous heart that it's an idiot. Funny I was messaging with someone last night and I called him an idiot. Yes I know I made the right decision and he treated me very poorly however he probably did the best he could in terms of intimacy. However yes telling your wife that she disgusts you is inexcusable. Yes it just messes with the mind and 90% of the time I have great days compared to before it was 90% bad days. Thank you for responding. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 7:44:02 GMT -5
Sound like your dealing with the "forgiveness' stage? I spoke with an attorney tonight who was divorced ten years ago. He has zero communication with his ex. However he still has doubts about his decision to end things. This is where the continuing process of "forgiving yourself" comes in. Reminding yourself of how much you have gained, how much more you accept and appreciate your true self, and how you will continue to do so. By "forgiving yourself". I don't doubt my decision and I don't feel like I seek any sort of forgiveness. I can see that it would be an issue for some. I honestly have no regrets with my marriage if given the chance I would marry him again but only if I could go back with the knowledge I have now and do things differently. Thank you for your response. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 26, 2017 8:15:10 GMT -5
Resentment (by both of us) destroyed my marriage.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 26, 2017 10:36:06 GMT -5
Now that I'm out of the house and on my way out of the marriage, I don't really feel resentful towards her. Well, except for her continued behavior, but not for the marriage itself. Mainly I feel sadness that things have ended up this way, but relief that we'll both be able to get out relativity cleanly, and excited for what comes next; not necessarily for "the next girl," but for the freedom of the next adventures.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 10:59:15 GMT -5
Tiiiiiiiiime... is on your side..... (singing)
Not to diminish what you are feeling, but it really is - time is a friend in these cases, but yes, even with that thoughts can creep in and do weird stuff to us. But we don't always have to believe our thoughts. Baz made a good point, that was then, this is now and focusing on the now is the best bet.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 11:21:10 GMT -5
Now that I'm out of the house and on my way out of the marriage, I don't really feel resentful towards her. Well, except for her continued behavior, but not for the marriage itself. Mainly I feel sadness that things have ended up this way, but relief that we'll both be able to get out relativity cleanly, and excited for what comes next; not necessarily for "the next girl," but for the freedom of the next adventures. I usually feel that way! Being in my marriage felt like prison. Now I'm free! |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 11:22:44 GMT -5
Tiiiiiiiiime... is on your side..... (singing) Not to diminish what you are feeling, but it really is - time is a friend in these cases, but yes, even with that thoughts can creep in and do weird stuff to us. But we don't always have to believe our thoughts. Baz made a good point, that was then, this is now and focusing on the now is the best bet. Very true. Thank you! Good song!! |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 26, 2017 15:09:18 GMT -5
This came up in my Facebook memories today. It made me think of this thread. I was really surprised last year when I had to revisit the whole childless thing again when I thought I already worked through it all. But new triggers can bring old stuff to surface. Whether that's resentment, grief, etc. I was thankful because my husband was so wonderful with me during that time. He didn't make me feel bad for revisiting it. Now I have been at peace again.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 26, 2017 15:12:19 GMT -5
This came up in my Facebook memories today. It made me think of this thread. I was really surprised last year when I had to revisit the whole childless thing again when I thought I already worked through it all. But new triggers can bring old stuff to surface. Whether that's resentment, grief, etc. I was thankful because my husband was so wonderful with me during that time. He didn't make me feel bad for revisiting it. Now I have been at peace again. Love that! Thank you. |
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