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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 7:55:13 GMT -5
So i truly have stopped counting the months since we last had any intimate contact. And just trying to remember what we did the last time we did anything should be a HUGE flag to me that it wasn't memorable enough to remember. So why torture ourselves? What are we gaining by staying in this state of want and never get? How long is too long and what is keeping us here? I mean truly what is keeping us here? The anticipation of a depressing, unhappy, overly concerned family, friends, and loved ones who will be affected should the option of separation or divorce come into the mix is the first thing that comes to mind. If there are children then they definitely will be affected and need to be taken into consideration. Then there is the financial situation. How much will this be worth to me? How much will a divorce cost me in the long run? Can I do this on my own?
I guess the only true question is, how much is my happiness and my sanity? Is it worth more than all the pros and cons listed out? It is at that point that I start to wonder if I am just being selfish about the whole SM issue. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to actually want to be intimate with me when she claims she has a headache or is too tired. What if she really does and I keep pushing and pushing. I can see where that would become quite frustrating and not a enticing turn on to want to be intimate. But then I think........
You little sh**t. I work my a$$ off so you can sit around half the time and do what..... You work 3 days out of the week. Your off for 4 f...ing days and my house looks like crap. Dishes piled up in the kitchen sink, dust all over the place, laundry piled up for days, bathroom looks like a strip club dressing room, cat and dog sh**t all over the place, you get pissed off anytime anyone wants to come by, you avoid your friends invitations claiming they are all fake, you hate people, you snore, you are on your phone more than with your own daughter.....Go F yourself women....I don't deserve this and you don't deserve me!!!
Feel free to rant, rave, vent or just speak your mind and thoughts. No judgment.....
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Post by shamwow on Apr 25, 2017 9:01:47 GMT -5
Question...how long have you been married? As a general rule, it gets worse as time goes by.
With my wife, she worked until we had kids. At that point, she became a SAHM. When the kids were young, I would not have traded jobs with her for all the money in the world. Two kids running around messing things up, trying to keep up with the house, kids activities, etc? If the house was a bit messy, I totally understand.
In later years (say when the kids are 8-10 or older and "trainable") it seems to me that her job should have been to start teaching the kids to take care of themselves. Instead, what happened is that she pretty much let things go. I'm guessing that it is out of boredom. It has got to be mind-numbing to be at home all day with the same routine over and over. Laundry piled up to the point where I would buy new clothes rather than try to find a pair of dirty underwear in the "pile" that was as tall as me. On multiple occasions I swatted over 400 flies in a single room. In the end, I started doing more than half of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc... just so that things would get done.
All of this on top of no intimacy? Well, in two months, our divorce will be final and she will learn how hard it is to earn a living and do all of the other things to maintain a household. I don't look at this with glee or smugness, but sadness. Life is going to get a lot harder for her soon, but it is a bed that she made (actually, I'm the one who makes the bed every day).
I guess my point is that this problem will NOT get better on its own. The household chores are a different issue from the SM piece, and it probably is easier to talk about and "fix". Have you tried discussing this with her frankly and honestly? I never really did and probably should have. It wouldn't have saved my marriage by any means, but it would have removed one area of contention.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 9:49:00 GMT -5
Question...how long have you been married? As a general rule, it gets worse as time goes by. With my wife, she worked until we had kids. At that point, she became a SAHM. When the kids were young, I would not have traded jobs with her for all the money in the world. Two kids running around messing things up, trying to keep up with the house, kids activities, etc? If the house was a bit messy, I totally understand. In later years (say when the kids are 8-10 or older and "trainable") it seems to me that her job should have been to start teaching the kids to take care of themselves. Instead, what happened is that she pretty much let things go. I'm guessing that it is out of boredom. It has got to be mind-numbing to be at home all day with the same routine over and over. Laundry piled up to the point where I would buy new clothes rather than try to find a pair of dirty underwear in the "pile" that was as tall as me. On multiple occasions I swatted over 400 flies in a single room. In the end, I started doing more than half of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc... just so that things would get done. All of this on top of no intimacy? Well, in two months, our divorce will be final and she will learn how hard it is to earn a living and do all of the other things to maintain a household. I don't look at this with glee or smugness, but sadness. Life is going to get a lot harder for her soon, but it is a bed that she made (actually, I'm the one who makes the bed every day). I guess my point is that this problem will NOT get better on its own. The household chores are a different issue from the SM piece, and it probably is easier to talk about and "fix". Have you tried discussing this with her frankly and honestly? I never really did and probably should have. It wouldn't have saved my marriage by any means, but it would have removed one area of contention. I hear you loud and clear. We have been together for over 16 married for 11. Here is the biggest problem I have and it probably is all my problem and falls on me. I come from a very disciplined military background. Not the kind that plays reveille at 0700 and taps at 1630 everyday, but with my military background and upbringing if you want to call it that, wasting time and avoiding things that are literally right in front of your face shows a sign of laziness and avoidance of responsibility. And the fact that she knows it makes it worse. It's like sometimes she will intentionally not do the laundry or dishes just because she knows it gets under my skin that it's not done, that and the fact that she knows I will end up doing it because that's my attitude about it. But on the flip side, on my days off I cook, clean, do the laundry, do the dishes, do the yard work and i do it with out any reservations or hesitations and not expecting anything in return. Even if all I got was a thank you, to me that would be too much because these chores, these normal everyday life chores will always be there to do in some form or fashion but for her, she just keeps swiping right on her phone, gossiping, talking to friends about other friends, drinking wine and just lets the world revolve around her like if were bubble words over her head that read "Oh well, it will get done eventually" but she never goes back to it. I think I am in the resentful phase of my own dealing with the SM. She just doesn't seem phased by it at all and that bugs the hell out of me. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2017 10:35:17 GMT -5
Gosh I totally get your resentment and I was there. I literally did everything in the house when I was with my H. My son the other day told me his dad was like a child. He did work and makes a good living but he thought that was his only responsibility. There was no team in our marriage and there was no marriage in our marriage. For me the resentment was too much. I actually didn't mind doing everything, and I work full time as well, but I needed to be wanted and desired and he didn't want or desire me. He desired my paycheck, my cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, managing the household, taking care of the kids. I cried a lot. I felt rejected. I left. I'm happier now.
It took me a long time to get to that point though. There's no cookie cutter solution. I feel your pain though.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 10:36:07 GMT -5
It is at that point that I start to wonder if I am just being selfish about the whole SM issue. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to actually want to be intimate with me when she claims she has a headache or is too tired. What if she really does and I keep pushing and pushing. I can see where that would become quite frustrating and not a enticing turn on to want to be intimate. But then I think........ What is frustrating is that if she was fucking you all the times she did NOT have a headache, then you would be more understanding when she does. But when she refuses to fuck you at all, you doubt her excuses. |
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 11:38:54 GMT -5
It is at that point that I start to wonder if I am just being selfish about the whole SM issue. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to actually want to be intimate with me when she claims she has a headache or is too tired. What if she really does and I keep pushing and pushing. I can see where that would become quite frustrating and not a enticing turn on to want to be intimate. But then I think........ What is frustrating is that if she was fucking you all the times she did NOT have a headache, then you would be more understanding when she does. But when she refuses to fuck you at all, you doubt her excuses. Yes. You are correct. And it has seeped into other areas beyond the bedroom. I just don't buy some of the stuff she says sometimes because i don't know what the truth is anymore. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 11:41:10 GMT -5
What is frustrating is that if she was fucking you all the times she did NOT have a headache, then you would be more understanding when she does. But when she refuses to fuck you at all, you doubt her excuses. Yes. You are correct. And it has seeped into other areas beyond the bedroom. I just don't buy some of the stuff she says sometimes because i don't know what the truth is anymore. Well, this is one definite truth. Sex is an essential part of marriage and she is refusing it. If she wants to be married to you, she needs to make some changes. |
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 12:28:04 GMT -5
Ok.... I found this on youtube and found it hilarious..... you gotta give it a watch...
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 25, 2017 13:30:11 GMT -5
Ok.... I found this on youtube and found it hilarious..... you gotta give it a watch... Love  He puts it very well. |
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 25, 2017 20:24:05 GMT -5
Ok.... I found this on youtube and found it hilarious..... you gotta give it a watch... Holy shit I feel like I got sucker punched with harsh harsh reality. I dont even.. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 25, 2017 21:14:51 GMT -5
Ok.... I found this on youtube and found it hilarious..... you gotta give it a watch... HE FUCKING ROCKS! I gotta subscribe to this guy... |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 25, 2017 22:52:09 GMT -5
Omg, this one sounds like it could be a letter from some of the men's wives on this forum!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 26, 2017 3:51:51 GMT -5
Omg, this one sounds like it could be a letter from some of the men's wives on this forum! Check out his channel... so many interesting topics! Had to drag myself away, got proper sucked in! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 26, 2017 6:36:20 GMT -5
I'm not sure "funny" is the word. Truth! Preach it, brother sexpressed.
The cookie business analogy perfectly illustrates the "unilaterally enforced celibacy" concept that first pierced my veil of denial (to the tune of "everything's great bar the sex, & that's not his fault")
Yeah - my Ex's choice of celibacy was not "his fault" but I had to take full responsibility for "why am I staying if it makes me so resentful"
Once I could face reality, I chose divorce. One of the best decisions of my life.
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Post by baza on Apr 26, 2017 23:43:54 GMT -5
The interesting feature is Brother doneanddone is that you are still taking your missus' inventory. That is a pretty reasonable indication that you are still invested in her and the marriage. There comes a time in the affairs of ILIASM members where you accept your spouse for who and what she is (and is not) and realise that you cannot change her. And usually, this phase is marked by the cessation of taking your spouses inventory, and instead switching your focus on to things you CAN do something about. But in this stage, a good old rant / vent does no harm. |
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