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Post by merrygoround on Apr 25, 2017 23:27:18 GMT -5
Absolutely baza and this has been running through my mind constantly. It's the wording he uses talking about it that is also raising red flags for me. "What if there is a serious health issue, would you stay?" "What if it doesn't work?" "What if i do all this and the outcome isn't what you want?" "I can't guarantee it will work, what then?". Grrr just make the bloody appt first! And now "well as I've been to appts in the past with you and stuck it out, i hope you'll see it through with me". Next it was "well, if i do have a low testosterone level and i get all the meds or a little blue pill, i still can't promise you I will perform more often or try new things". And that's just the physical side - he's already admitted to psychological blocks. Just thinking about it all and the time it could take, starting over 20 years later with a man of almost 60 is making me panic. It sounds like he desperately wants to save your marriage. Perhaps he loves you and desperately wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But he doesn't particularly want to have a sex life with you. The whole point of performing more often and trying new things is to be curious and experiment, to see where your limits are, to do something together which brings joy into your life. At this point can you really imagine the two of you having a healthy, unrestrained, passionate, loving, intimate, curious and open sex life? At this point it would be a fairly safe bet that the 'marriage' in his head that he is trying to save looks very different from the 'marriage' in your head that you want. i have approached this from a look at the joy and fun we could be having point of view many times to see if that was a way forward. I've kept myself informed in many ways - even to the point of investigation of celibate marriages by choice to see if i could live like that. I think the point I'm trying to make is can i effectively give up myself, my needs and be on his level? I'm willing to compromise, of course - but he needed to make some serious steps too and that remains to be seen. Yes i think in our heads it has looked very different for a long time. I dont know if they will ever meet some way. |
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Post by csl on Apr 25, 2017 23:42:56 GMT -5
It sounds like he desperately wants to save your marriage. Perhaps he loves you and desperately wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But he doesn't particularly want to have a sex life with you. The whole point of performing more often and trying new things is to be curious and experiment, to see where your limits are, to do something together which brings joy into your life. At this point can you really imagine the two of you having a healthy, unrestrained, passionate, loving, intimate, curious and open sex life? At this point it would be a fairly safe bet that the 'marriage' in his head that he is trying to save looks very different from the 'marriage' in your head that you want. i have approached this from a look at the joy and fun we could be having point of view many times to see if that was a way forward. I've kept myself informed in many ways - even to the point of investigation of celibate marriages by choice to see if i could live like that. I think the point I'm trying to make is can i effectively give up myself, my needs and be on his level? I'm willing to compromise, of course - but he needed to make some serious steps too and that remains to be seen. Yes i think in our heads it has looked very different for a long time. I dont know if they will ever meet some way. Your last bit brought something I'm writing to mind. I've been asked to do a guest post for another blogger, and this is from the first paragraph: "It just doesn’t make sense that one person gets to say, “This is how it’s gonna be, so be happy ‘cause I’m happy.” My immediate take-away is that if only one out of two can say “I’m happy in my marriage,” it’s not a happy marriage." Go ahead and look at celibate marriage, but keep in mind that "no sex to the death" is pretty permanent. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 26, 2017 13:12:50 GMT -5
I'm absolutely reeling after today. I accompanied him to the doctor where he was very honest about his view of the situation - i only had to interject a couple of times on the "frequency" so she could get a clearer picture of the lack of sex. She has booked him up for full blood work - however the appt is not until next month as they had no earlier slots available. One thing she did say which sent me into a spin and resulted in a long and difficult conversation with H was this : "a pill can give you an erection, help you maintain an erection - but it cannot make you desire someone". She also said that in the main, blood work in this area comes back completely normal, pointing to psychological issues and recommended seeing somebody for therapy. I explained we had sex like 5 times in 2016, similar in 2015. She said "well that's not fantastic is it". Since we returned i have asked him to be completely honest with me regarding desire. Transpires that desire pretty much diminished for him early on, although he called it the "honeymoon phase". We all know the honeymoon phase. But that doesn't mean celibate marriage ensues - not in my book anyway. I put it to him that i think he WANTS to desire - but actually desiring is very different. He said the doctor mentioned desire and stimulus. I have reiterated my activities in this over the years - the subtle, not so subtle and damn full on to try and spark something in him. He pulled out the old " i let life get in the way, other issues and i hoped this would be a new start going to the doctor together, starting from zero"... I'm distraught over the fact that he's known his issues over the past twenty years. Had regular (pretty much) 2-3 times sex per week with first wife. Different positions too! He said he loves me and wants this to work. He has accused me in this talk of already having my mind made up and it's unfair of me to try and destroy him and hurt him as much as possible in the process. What?  ?? My confidence has gone through the floor at this point. I just don't know what to make of this. I'm hurt, confused - have no trust in him. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 26, 2017 18:53:44 GMT -5
merrygoround I think you have a very good handle on this. He wants to desire you ... but in fact he doesn't. There is nothing you can do about this, all the drugs in the world aren't going to help. And there may not be very much he can do about it either. You have a marriage with love and comfort and no chemistry (at least on his part). He is happy with that, and wants to go on living that way. You - not so much.
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 26, 2017 23:42:24 GMT -5
Seems that way, unmatched. Angry it's taken 2 decades to get this out of him and a huge amount of effort on my part, to the detriment of myself. |
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Post by baza on Apr 27, 2017 2:30:54 GMT -5
He'd like to - "re-start the clock at zero".
In effect, he'd like you to *unlearn* everything you've learned over recent times.
It is not up to you to stop, hit reverse, then back up to where he is, in the ditch at the side of the road.
I'd give the guy credit for making and keeping the appointment, but that is but one tiny step forward in what would be a long painful and arduous journey if he stayed the distance, and even then, there is no guarantee as to outcome.
Meantime of course, you are not static. You are learning more and more about you, and him, and the marriage all the time (for example this guilt induction bullshit he is trying out).
The gap between where you are - and where he is - is widening.
And that's on him, not you.
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 27, 2017 4:21:24 GMT -5
baza - yes to all of this. Right now i am just totally shut down and don't feel like talking whatsoever. I'm not in the right frame of mind to discuss anything with him whilst the pieces of the jigsaw fall into place. Went to the supermarket together this morning to do the weekly shop - passed by the "sexy section" with the lubes, massage oils and condoms. He said "shall we get some?" Errrrrr.....excuse me???!!! I just replied "don't think so" and continued to the dog food section. Really smacking my head at this point seeing him come up with things i have suggested in the past to try and ignite some spark. Sadly i am not there now. On the way home he said am i not talking to him? I said i wasn't in a place right now to talk. He said what about just talking the price of milk? Oh yes, that i can do. I want to get over this phase of feeling shut down, i really do. I can't pander to his ego anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 29, 2017 9:37:13 GMT -5
Always remember, in a divorce you get custody of your self!
Let go of the past. There's no future in it!
Are you just rebounding or are you rebuilding?
Plan ahead...you have to live there!
If you don't know who you are, you won't know where you are going.
You can go through it, or grow through it!
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