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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 20, 2017 22:13:13 GMT -5
So... a friend of mine talked to me today. I haven't heard from her for months. We met on EP. I have mentioned her on here before. There is something about her.
..just simply something about her. I'm not sure what label to put on her. I'm not sure anymore how to define what it is that we are. At one point of time we were in the middle of an emotional affair. We managed to stop that from progressing... We stopped talking because our feelings for each other were just too strong and we both have strong morals to uphold. So now... We just avoid any contact. ...i didn't realize how unbelievably bad I have missed her until we said hello today. I'm not sure what the future holds for my marriage. Lately it's been "good enough". It's not great. It's not terrible. It's just ..."good enough" ... but god dammit I think about this EP friend of mine.... a lot. ...always. We have so much in common... and there is so much about her that i cherish so deeply. I want so badly to be with her. Just... so... badly. *sigh*... my burning heart profile pic? It's inspired by her. It's simply my feelings for her encapsulated in a single powerful picture. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage... for my life. ...there are no guarantees in life. All I know with confidence is that I care about this EP friend of mine.
I care about her deeply. I care about her more than I do about myself. That is a truth that shall never change. I want her to be happy and fulfilled, even if it means that she's not with me. I just want her to be happy.... and safe... and fulfilled. I just want her to live a life that makes her smile. That's all I want on this day.... on my birthday. It's my birthday wish... for her to be happy. That's all I want.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not looking for advice. I'm just hoping someone gets it. I hope someone can relate. It's simply been a difficult day for me emotionally. I miss her... regardless of any labels or judgment. ...i just simply miss her. ...yet I worry that my presence is nothing more than a hindrance on her well being. It's just so confusing.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 20, 2017 22:58:51 GMT -5
I get it. I think people come in and out of our lives at different times for different reasons and we just have to cherish the time in whatever form it may be that we have with them.
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Post by baza on Apr 20, 2017 23:21:50 GMT -5
This woman may be providing an excellent distraction for you so you can shelve addressing the issue of your ILIASM shithole for a while Brother beeman.
Like a version of "why chasing" but rather than being directed at your missus, being directed at this other woman.
Distractions can be very valuable as a respite.
They can also be awful time wasters.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 21, 2017 6:38:40 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday. I'm sorry to hear it's sad & emotionally difficult.
I believe sadness & anger are often really valuable messages from our spirit (heart) to our physical-plane selves that something "isn't right" - for us, or in the way we're living. It's our "soul" yelling "do something different" - at least, it's a theory I have.
I hope you get that unselfish birthday wish. But I also hope that you find a way to live a life that brings YOU happiness- despite or in spite of other people. Your happiness is the only one you are truly responsible for. No one else's.
I hope your coming year is an opportunity to find your own right-actions that bring you some peace & much fulfillment.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 21, 2017 7:57:03 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday. I'm sorry to hear it's sad & emotionally difficult. I believe sadness & anger are often really valuable messages from our spirit (heart) to our physical-plane selves that something "isn't right" - for us, or in the way we're living. It's our "soul" yelling "do something different" - at least, it's a theory I have. I hope you get that unselfish birthday wish. But I also hope that you find a way to live a life that brings YOU happiness- despite or in spite of other people. Your happiness is the only one you are truly responsible for. No one else's. I hope your coming year is an opportunity to find your own right-actions that bring you some peace & much fulfillment. Thanks for all of that. And for the birthday wishes.  I know my original post probably had a sad vibe but truth be told, my emotions surrounding her and I saying hello yesterday were immensely positive. I'm not sure I've smiled that wide in a looooong time. It had been a very long time since I shed tears of happiness rather than sadness. As for the vibe of my original post, I think I was just feeling down at the end of the day because I knew it was time to say goodbye again and get back to our separate lives again. All in all it was an awesome day and just hearing from her was what really made it so special. Im feeling more at peace with it all this morning. It simply is what it is.... for now. I totally agree with your theory by the way. I agree that our emotions are sometimes trying to tell us things that may not quite be obvious to our conscious mind. I think this may have been one of those moments. It certainly gives me a lot to think about. I hear you too about making sure my happiness is a priority too. I've been working on that. It's always been hard for me to find that balance between taking care of others vs taking care of myself. This (now borderline) SM of mine has been the ultimate test of that for me. It's so hard to figure out where my line is between reasonable sacrifice for the sake of my children vs self neglect. It's quite a balancing act that I am trying to maintain. |
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Post by iceman on Apr 21, 2017 8:43:50 GMT -5
I'm happy for you. It's nice to just have somebody to talk to when there is understanding and attraction, and no judgement. It reminds you that there really could be a life outside these SM shitholes we find ourselves in.
I had a friend on EP as well. After a bit of chatting we realized we were engaged in an emotional affair. Our situations were quite similar and even though we were different in many ways something just clicked. I don't really understand why but it did. This went on for a couple of years. We edged towards our emotional affair evolving into a physcal one but we just couldn't bring ourselves to cross that line. By mutual decision we decided the safest thing to do was to just break it off. I miss talking to her a great deal and am constantly resisting the urge to contact her again. I wonder if we made the right decision not to have a physical affair, and if we should have continued talking to each other. It was very therapeutic. I wonder how she's doing and if she thinks about me.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 21, 2017 9:59:54 GMT -5
I second this: It's so hard to figure out where my line is between reasonable sacrifice for the sake of my children vs self neglect.
ABSOLUTELY!!!
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2017 10:23:47 GMT -5
Forgive me for not wording this very well. I am for an emotional affair, and I am against it. It has it's good and its bad. In the end it seems to be a mind F. It sounds like "love Bombing". Be careful out there. You are presenting a "need to be needed, and a high threshold for abuse". Be careful. shrink4men.com/2017/04/11/love-bombing-is-a-red-flag/www.crazybusters.com/2016/07/13/crazyproofing-how-to-protect-yourself-from-narcissists-borderlines-and-psychopaths/"Drinking an espresso just doesn't compare to snorting a mountain of cocain. Then again a daily amount of espresso is unlikely to destroy your body,mind, soul, and credit ratting." I have found it's a matter of stages. Some people are just beginning to see the FOG. They are just learning what a SM is. Others have a foot out the door, while others are divorced for a year or two and are healing. It's like a glass of wine or two in the evening. Getting told,"I wish I had met you long ago" Nothing wrong with a good moral booster. Than it's back to reality. Back to what stage you are in and what are doing about it, if anything? That's where, for me, an occasional booster, is great. While knowing that after the divorce, after I have my own house, after the new job, after a season or two of healing, then, then I can offer so much more to someone else. Then consider the crazy world of dating, while living in separate households while still raising the remaining teenagers. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 21, 2017 10:45:52 GMT -5
I am glad for you. It is difficult to genuinely feel good in the circumstance of SM. In my opinion, we must take pleasure and self-fulfillment where we can, in the manner best for each of us.
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Post by Dan on Apr 21, 2017 13:49:18 GMT -5
I'm just hoping someone gets it. I hope someone can relate. It's simply been a difficult day for me emotionally. I miss her... regardless of any labels or judgment. ...i just simply miss her. ...yet I worry that my presence is nothing more than a hindrance on her well being. Here's one voice: I. CAN. TOTALLY. RELATE. This is very much how I felt about someone I fell in love with ~10 years ago. (It has taken me about 9.5 years to get over her...) If I had the chance now to recreate with her what I had with her then, i would jump at it in a heartbeat. If I have what looks like a chance for something even 50% as wonderful with someone else, I will jump at it in a heartbeat. I hope that this statement of mine does not make your current situation -- or your future decisions -- more difficult. (Maybe it will make it more difficult to stay where you are, or sadder that you cannot be with her.) I am NOT saying: "drop everything to be with her". I know that sometime it is not yet time. (Trust me, I KNOW.) I hope you can know with certainty that loving someone outside of your marriage -- whether a physical or emotional bond (or both) -- can be REAL and TRUE. I. AM. SURE. OF. IT. And you should be, too. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 21, 2017 18:07:46 GMT -5
Forgive me for not wording this very well. I am for an emotional affair, and I am against it. It has it's good and its bad. In the end it seems to be a mind F. It sounds like "love Bombing". Be careful out there. You are presenting a "need to be needed, and a high threshold for abuse". Be careful. shrink4men.com/2017/04/11/love-bombing-is-a-red-flag/www.crazybusters.com/2016/07/13/crazyproofing-how-to-protect-yourself-from-narcissists-borderlines-and-psychopaths/"Drinking an espresso just doesn't compare to snorting a mountain of cocain. Then again a daily amount of espresso is unlikely to destroy your body,mind, soul, and credit ratting." I have found it's a matter of stages. Some people are just beginning to see the FOG. They are just learning what a SM is. Others have a foot out the door, while others are divorced for a year or two and are healing. It's like a glass of wine or two in the evening. Getting told,"I wish I had met you long ago" Nothing wrong with a good moral booster. Than it's back to reality. Back to what stage you are in and what are doing about it, if anything? That's where, for me, an occasional booster, is great. While knowing that after the divorce, after I have my own house, after the new job, after a season or two of healing, then, then I can offer so much more to someone else. Then consider the crazy world of dating, while living in separate households while still raising the remaining teenagers. Wow! Thank you! Very insightful stuff all around! The article you shared was VERY valuable for me. It packs a huge punch. There is years worth of work in that single article for me. I've been working on most of that stuff already (both individually and with a therapist) so I know how much of it is easier said than done. It was all very well said and well organized and there are some tips I haven't heard yet. So I really do appreciate you sharing it.... very ... very much! I hear you about your opinion on emotional affairs in general. I didn't purposefully (at least consciously) put myself in the the affair situation. I was lonely and found myself reaching out.... and... well it happened. It had positives and negatives and well... It definitely WAS a mindfuck. So that's another thing I can relate to. It obviously still has a grip on me given the reaction I had from saying hello yesterday too. I had so much guilt when her and I spoke regularly... yet also so much joy. We shared so much. We comforted each other. We cheered each other on towards meeting our own personal goals. We laughed daily together. Losing her tore me apart. Still does. Part of me tells myself she's still there ...and in ways she truly is. There are loopholes that allow us to still share small parts of each other from a distance. Still, its never been quite the same ever since our first goodbye that happened about 1.5 years ago. We are on our 4th solid "goodbye" over about 2 years of time. This last goodbye has been the one that has stuck the most. It's been about 240 days since then? ...but who's counting? Lmao.... Me. That's who's counting. I don't count special occasions like birthdays and significant holidays towards breaking the rules. I think it's ok to just say hi on those big days. We seem to be on the same page with that. Anyway, it definitely seems to be a lovebombing situation. That's a new term for me. So I'll be digging into that. I'm certain that I've been smitten by her. Just smitten. It's so tough when you have been with the same person for almost half your life and then someone new and exciting appears. I've been missing that feeling of infatuation and newness. ...and genuine mutual desire. ...genuine ...mutual ...desire... It's just palpable with me and my EP friend. *sigh*... just palpable. You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. I truly think that she is a solid person that would treat me right if we could ever be together. I know that reality would pale in comparison to my dreams though. I know that we would have our own share of issues. Many of which would be very similar to my current situation. Others that would be quite different. I am a dreamer by nature. I have my head in the clouds but I like to believe that I have at least my feet somewhat on the ground? Maybe? Maybe just like a pinky toe barely in contact with solid earth? Lol. I don't know. At any rate, your input is helping me keep things in perspective to a higher degree. So I truly appreciate that. I need a bit of that from time to time and your delivery on the matter was well balanced. So it really spoke to me... Well I think I'm rambling. I suppose I ought to stop? Lol. Bottom line is that I appreciate you sharing your experience and wisdom with me. It's more helpful than you may realize. So... thank you! |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 21, 2017 18:32:58 GMT -5
I'm just hoping someone gets it. I hope someone can relate. It's simply been a difficult day for me emotionally. I miss her... regardless of any labels or judgment. ...i just simply miss her. ...yet I worry that my presence is nothing more than a hindrance on her well being. Here's one voice: I. CAN. TOTALLY. RELATE. This is very much how I felt about someone I fell in love with ~10 years ago. (It has taken me about 9.5 years to get over her...) If I had the chance now to recreate with her what I had with her then, i would jump at it in a heartbeat. If I have what looks like a chance for something even 50% as wonderful with someone else, I will jump at it in a heartbeat. I hope that this statement of mine does not make your current situation -- or your future decisions -- more difficult. (Maybe it will make it more difficult to stay where you are, or sadder that you cannot be with her.) I am NOT saying: "drop everything to be with her". I knIow that sometime it is not yet time. (Trust me, I KNOW.) I hope you can know with certainty that loving someone outside of your marriage -- whether a physical or emotional bond (or both) -- can be REAL and TRUE. I. AM. SURE. OF. IT. And you should be, too. Thank you so much for relating to me. It's always so comforting to know that others truly get it. I truly know your struggle so deeply. I want to write more ... I'm short on time right now though. I hope to write more later. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 21, 2017 18:43:52 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your insight and support. It truly is helpful to me. I really mean that. I wish I could reply in detail to all of you. I really need to hang out here more often. You rock! |
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