|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 19, 2017 10:51:42 GMT -5
Hi everyone. Not sure which section i should post this, so here goes...
I think it's done. We sat down for another brutally honest discussion today. Again, a lot was talked about including him apologising and saying he has been utterly naive in thinking his psychological blocks over the years could just be ignored or would work themselves out in time.
At these last knockings, he said finally he was ready to really throw himself into testosterone checks and counseling - something i have begged him to do with me over the years. And if i am willing to really work on it, then he would go - but he admitted that although love is between us, he realises there is no guarantees that the outcome would be positive. Also at this stage, i am too worn away with all i have tried until that wish to really work on us has ground down to dust.
Yes, i love him. As many of us here say, he's a great father, great provider - but that in love, wanting that partnership that has been protected and nourished over time has gone.
There is no blame on either side. It was civil, tearful, kind - i felt myself wavering seeing him so upset. I can't bear to see him hurt -but each time i thought can i really try yet one more time? - something pulled me back. No - i have to be true to myself. I can't do another 20 years like this.
I feel so sad though - all of me is here. I can't imagine going, not seeing my children everyday (just entered adulthood). I have to think of a way to support myself. We moved countries, built this home. But that will have to be faced. Breathe and let the dust settle a bit. Can't accomplish every detail in a short time.
Praying for strength.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 12:46:52 GMT -5
I found peace accepting reality instead of spending my day always trying to fix the unfixable problem. When you can let resentments go you will feel happy
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 14:56:28 GMT -5
merrygoround , I think I felt the same thing. I was sad, but what I was sad for is what SHOULD have been.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 19, 2017 15:46:34 GMT -5
I found peace accepting reality instead of spending my day always trying to fix the unfixable problem. When you can let resentments go you will feel happy You are a stronger and better person than me. I couldn't do it. I'm glad you are happy. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 19, 2017 15:47:40 GMT -5
It gets to a point you have to care more about yourself and your feelings.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 19, 2017 20:49:26 GMT -5
Sister merrygoround If I was making a suggestion to your spouse, it would be this - - go and see a counsellor about your issues - go and see a doctor about your issues - take whatever steps are necessary to sort your own shit out. Not for your missus Not for your marriage For you. So you can explore your potential, and be the best possible version of you that you can be in your future, whatever that future might involve. But, I am not advising him. What he does - or does not do - is entirely his concern. He's not obligated to do anything. --------------------------------------------------------------- As regards you Sister merrygoround, you are facing difficult choices, and as you note you - " Can't accomplish every detail in a short time." Probably, seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be a good idea. With that information at your disposal you would have a factual framework to operate from and a solid basis on which you can make your next series of choices. See what your lawyer says, as a first step. |
|
appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by appleaday on Apr 19, 2017 21:56:51 GMT -5
I have been following your previous post and your story merrygoround and I must say I am amazed and awe of your progress. What you are doing is so hard and I commend you for staying strong and standing up for yourself. Also how after 20 years of frustration you are still able to have love and compassion for your spouse as you move forward. Good luck and stay strong.
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 19, 2017 23:22:50 GMT -5
Sister merrygoround If I was making a suggestion to your spouse, it would be this - - go and see a counsellor about your issues - go and see a doctor about your issues - take whatever steps are necessary to sort your own shit out. Not for your missus Not for your marriage For you. So you can explore your potential, and be the best possible version of you that you can be in your future, whatever that future might involve. But, I am not advising him. What he does - or does not do - is entirely his concern. He's not obligated to do anything. --------------------------------------------------------------- As regards you Sister merrygoround, you are facing difficult choices, and as you note you - " Can't accomplish every detail in a short time." Probably, seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be a good idea. With that information at your disposal you would have a factual framework to operate from and a solid basis on which you can make your next series of choices. See what your lawyer says, as a first step. I agree with all you have said, baza. I said he should be doing this for him but his response was what's the point now? Maybe he will turn it around for himself one day in the future. Yes, the details i will start to investigate. I'm not sure whether to start that from the country where i am living now, or when at some point i return to England. Kindly my parents have said i can go stay with them whilst i get things sorted out - look for a job etc. Good old mum and dad lol! |
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 19, 2017 23:30:59 GMT -5
I have been following your previous post and your story merrygoround and I must say I am amazed and awe of your progress. What you are doing is so hard and I commend you for staying strong and standing up for yourself. Also how after 20 years of frustration you are still able to have love and compassion for your spouse as you move forward. Good luck and stay strong. Hi appleaday - thank you for this. It's not something that has suddenly raised its ugly head - we have had many restart discussions over the years and the responses from him this time around just confirmed once and for all that it wasn't ever going to change. I am so tired of that now - and really very sad at what could have been. But that isn't going to move me forward at all in being happy. I think now i am in a calm and better place to stay strong - we have supported each other through difficult times and i love him as a family member. And as i am in a better place mentally about it, i feel i am stronger - i certainly feel lighter,better, getting it out there the final time so this shows me i have absolutely made the right decision. I truly hope we can remain civil and friendly, as in all other respects we make a great team! Best wishes to you, too. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 20, 2017 5:52:10 GMT -5
Sister merrygoround If I was making a suggestion to your spouse, it would be this - - go and see a counsellor about your issues - go and see a doctor about your issues - take whatever steps are necessary to sort your own shit out. Not for your missus Not for your marriage For you. So you can explore your potential, and be the best possible version of you that you can be in your future, whatever that future might involve. But, I am not advising him. What he does - or does not do - is entirely his concern. He's not obligated to do anything. --------------------------------------------------------------- As regards you Sister merrygoround, you are facing difficult choices, and as you note you - " Can't accomplish every detail in a short time." Probably, seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be a good idea. With that information at your disposal you would have a factual framework to operate from and a solid basis on which you can make your next series of choices. See what your lawyer says, as a first step. I agree with all you have said, baza. I said he should be doing this for him but his response was what's the point now? Maybe he will turn it around for himself one day in the future. Yes, the details i will start to investigate. I'm not sure whether to start that from the country where i am living now, or when at some point i return to England. Kindly my parents have said i can go stay with them whilst i get things sorted out - look for a job etc. Good old mum and dad lol! Start from the country you are living in now. Go on line make appointments, make phone calls. Knowledge is power. You have agreat question already. This country or when you move to England? Start with that. An attorney will guide you. Having the law on your side will ease your burden tremendously. Having an attorney and knowing the outcome, strengthens your present, and future. Mr. "what's the point in giving?" will realize you are no longer his punching bag. My experience, (and countless others) the first ,second, third, time you honestly tell him, "I can't answer that, ask your attorney", will awaken him that he now has to answer to an attorney, a judge, a police officer, and family, for his actions. He will not be fooling them. His tactics will have the reverse affect. Others experiences with the family has been helpful. Adult children open up and say, "what took you so long?" "we had no idea mom? let us help you, now I understand". Picking up the phone and making that first phone call is very hard. Mine was. After my first attorney visit, half way through, I was thinking" this wasn't hard at all". Ask a friend to go with you for support. |
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Apr 21, 2017 1:42:42 GMT -5
Hi Merrygoround,
It may all seem very daunting right now and you're right that it can't happen all at once. Get in touch with family and close friends - you'll find the support you need.
Get informed, that will help you feel more in control of your situation.
Best wishes
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 21, 2017 6:16:04 GMT -5
Ok - a little progress - we are awaiting a call back from a lawyer here to arrange an appointment. We are both right now in the spirit of acting in a fair and amicable way - long may that continue  I have been in touch with a couple of friends and obviously my parents - but really wanted to thank you all here so much. I don't think i could have started to see a possible glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel without your wisdom and support. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2017 6:37:00 GMT -5
We are awaiting a call back? Does that mean you are going to see an attorney together?
I believe in my book "Divorce Recovery" (don't quote me) it strongly advises against having one attorney represent both of you. Here in America if you go to see an attorney first, then later your spouse goes to that attorney for a consultation, they will refuse to speak to your spouse due to a "conflict of interest". You should each have your own separate attorney to represent you.
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on Apr 21, 2017 7:09:11 GMT -5
We are awaiting a call back? Does that mean you are going to see an attorney together? I believe in my book "Divorce Recovery" (don't quote me) it strongly advises against having one attorney represent both of you. Here in America if you go to see an attorney first, then later your spouse goes to that attorney for a consultation, they will refuse to speak to your spouse due to a "conflict of interest". You should each have your own separate attorney to represent you. She has been our lawyer dealing with property inheritance and a possible future sale of our house now will have an impact on the inheritance for our children in this country, which is completely different from the UK. I wouldn't expect her to be my lawyer in the separation, but one question she can definitely answer is whether i start legalities here where everything is invested and registered, or whether i do it from the UK. |
|
|
|
Post by thistooshallpass on May 17, 2017 11:31:46 GMT -5
I found peace accepting reality instead of spending my day always trying to fix the unfixable problem. When you can let resentments go you will feel happy This, this, and this. 'Nuff said. |
|
