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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:06:30 GMT -5
So I probably should have put this one in the "Lighter Side" section.
First, I know by balls are mine. It is kind of amusing that my wife had exclusive rights to them and wants to "hang on" to them until the end. A bit sad (as in pathetic), but amusing.
I more intended this post as tongue in cheek, but there were a few VERY good points made.
- First of all...safe sex. Yes. Not only yes, but duh.
- Second, this isn't to "improve my love life". It is to ensure that I have no more kids when I do have a love life again. I love both of my kids dearly, but don't think I need to have an almost 18 year gap between my oldest and youngest with two different moms. I see lots of people like that at the kid's activities and no thanks. The very thought is exhausting.
- Third, my concerns in this matter are first my own feelings / well-being. Then my kid's feelings. Finally, a distant third comes my STBX, and only to avoid conflict that causes drama. In general, I don't want to hurt people if I don't have to.
- I will, however, wait until after the house is on the market. It really isn't fair to be out of commission for even a day or two when we have so much work to do. This is especially true since most of my tasks involve "lifting heavy things"
- The house will be going on the market about the time school gets out. I will suggest my STBX takes the kids to her mom's to play with the cousins for the weekend (they do this occasionally). If she declines, I'll just say I'm going to spend the weekend at my folks house. No need to lie to the kids. They just won't be in the loop.
- I'll probably tell the kids eventually, but more as a lesson of how a responsible adult behaves when it comes to sex. But probably not right now in the middle of a divorce where we are also in the process of a house move. Maybe sometime later in the year or next year.
So don't worry. Shammy knows who his balls belong to. He knows the proper priorities. He will practice safe sex. He knows this doesn't necessarily enhance or degrade his attractiveness to the ladies. He just doesn't want any more kids and finds it amusing and perplexing that the first interest his wife has taken in his balls in a number of years is to want them full of swimmers as he becomes available to date.
Sorry if everyone took this a bit too seriously. Like I said, probably should have posted in Lighter Side.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 19, 2017 10:07:00 GMT -5
Let me be blunt. It's back to money. You want to do something for yourself, your future, your health, your joy. (also with our money, our time, time is money) Stbx, thinks that will cut into her portion of the money. That's the slightest threat to her plan on getting as much equity from the sale of the house. Be thankful for another layer of the onion coming off. Thankful for seeing,"It's all about her. This is what she calls compromise, negotiating? There's zero compromise on her part. Yup, this is why I am getting out of here!" Just like the SM. My wants, needs, concerns, desires, mean nothing. All about keeping me available to be a good servant. Make this decision on your own. The most she might need to know is that "I wont be available to drive my son for a day or two, you will have to take him." End of discussion. Like the end of sex and intimacy of the marriage. Dwell,and hope. Hope for the future when that special someone is more than willing to listen, understand, compromise, and respect your opinion, choices , and actions. This. It still stuns me dead in my tracks that there are so-called partners that believe that it is perfectly acceptable that our wants and needs are denied and scorned, yet servitude is expected and deserved. Why i should be surprised, i don't know, but i guess i am just never going to get it. For what it is worth, i agree with those who say it is none of her concern any longer. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:10:49 GMT -5
Your kids have a life. Sports, homework, friends, texting, video games,etc... If you had to be on the couch for any other reason,(sprained ankle, kidney stones, etc...) it would not matter. Give your son a half truth answer. No need for details. In my late teens and early twenties my dad had 13 angioplasty's ,and three triple bypasses. It almost became routine. I didn't fully understand it all then. I didn't need to. Perhaps you should do it now, while it is still (our money) not your money? Your stbx's actions smell of manipulation and control. Start acting single again. My crystal ball is broken, I'm glad hers is working! Your house could sell in a day, or it could take months. Deals fall through, inspections, loan approvals, etc... then there's how smoothly the divorce goes. One things a fact. Right now it's still (our money). Money. Something I am very aware of during a divorce. Can't you tell? Just to clarify. I am going to wait until the house is READY to sell. I will be doing a lot of repairs, furniture moving, moving things to storage, yard work, etc... Once the house is on the market, it is a different story. If I'm down for a couple days, no biggie. As a matter of fact, I would want to get it done in the time between the house goes on the market and when it is time to move (heavy lifting again). The biggest concern I have is that I will miss out on a couple weeks of Jiu Jitsu. As far as the cost? The vasectomy will be almost completely covered by insurance. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:14:45 GMT -5
I don't think you should give a shit what your W says, but your kids are another matter. They will want to know why you are on the couch with an ice pack on your crotch all weekend. I don't think they need to know that you are having a vasectomy. It could embarrass them and make them think less of you. Just my opinion. I'm kinda on the same page. I don't want them thinking I'm leaving mom to go out and start chasing tail the instant I'm out. So I'll arrange for the kids to be somewhere else that weekend (have wife take kids to Nana's) or I'll rest up at my folks if she doesn't play along. Problem solved. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:21:04 GMT -5
If your prime reasoning for having this procedure is as an enhancement to your sex life post ILIASM shithole, you might be in for a big disappointment. It's rather difficult to see having this procedure will make you any more desirable out in the dating world (to be fair, it wouldn't make you any less desirable either - unless you hooked up with someone actually wanting to breed) But, as ever, *your* choice what you do. It is *you* who will provide the answer to the poll question, by what you now do. Not looking to be more/less desirable. I'm looking to be sterile. When doc asked if I wanted more kids: Hell no. When doc asked if I met someone younger who wanted more kids: Hell no. Short interview. And yes, my choice. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:24:45 GMT -5
I don't know if you have had the sex conversation with your teenager, but this surgery would make it a good time to bring it up. And drive home to point of getting to know someone before getting married/having kids, that way they will not have to go thru a divorce. In about 5 years, I think I will be getting snipped as well. Right now I am 99% certain that I don't want any more kids but it could also be with this W I don't want anymore kids. It is hard to tell. But my person cut off to have kids its age 40. Maybe get snipped at 39 and have the zero score be my Bday present. I've had the sex talk with my daughter (16) a few times now. I'm a big believer that the "sex talk" isn't a one-time thing, but something they should feel comfortable talking with me about any time. I have a feeling that as she gets even a little bit older we may BOTH have boyfriend/girlfriend chats with each other. Honestly sex isn't something that should be embarrassing to discuss with your kids. Right now, I'll probably keep the vasectomy under wraps since I don't think my 13 year old son will get it. He hasn't quite hit the puberty point where he likes girls, and I worry he will see me dating as a betrayal on mom. As he gets older, though, and I have the talks with him, I will bring him into the loop. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 19, 2017 10:31:15 GMT -5
I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I have been inspired and now will also actively pursue a vasectomy. The idea of having more children scares me celibate. Oh, wait ...
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 10:33:41 GMT -5
If your prime reasoning for having this procedure is as an enhancement to your sex life post ILIASM shithole, you might be in for a big disappointment. It's rather difficult to see having this procedure will make you any more desirable out in the dating world (to be fair, it wouldn't make you any less desirable either - unless you hooked up with someone actually wanting to breed) But, as ever, *your* choice what you do. It is *you* who will provide the answer to the poll question, by what you now do. Not looking to be more/less desirable. I'm looking to be sterile. When doc asked if I wanted more kids: Hell no. When doc asked if I met someone younger who wanted more kids: Hell no. Short interview. And yes, my choice. I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I have been inspired and now will also actively pursue a vasectomy. The idea of having more children scares me celibate. Oh, wait ... Inspirational stories are my specialty. Well that and jerking off. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2017 10:39:24 GMT -5
I don't think you should give a shit what your W says, but your kids are another matter. They will want to know why you are on the couch with an ice pack on your crotch all weekend. I don't think they need to know that you are having a vasectomy. It could embarrass them and make them think less of you. Just my opinion. I'm kinda on the same page. I don't want them thinking I'm leaving mom to go out and start chasing tail the instant I'm out. So I'll arrange for the kids to be somewhere else that weekend (have wife take kids to Nana's) or I'll rest up at my folks if she doesn't play along. Problem solved. Good idea. And I can tell you that being able to have sex without pregnancy being a concern is a huge advantage. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 19, 2017 14:25:41 GMT -5
I understood the tongue in cheek aspect, shamwow. Still I thought the vignette betrayed a little... um- just a little too much concern for her concerns. Or actual consternation on your part about her response(s). Just DO start practicing at not involving her in your personal life. That takes awhile to erode away. Even when I moved to the guest room, I would find myself talking to STBX about "stuff" - like how my day was - and partway through, realize this wasn't his business anymore. He hadn't asked or listened for 3+ years, and here I was, including him anyway b/c I don't know why! So I kept practicing. And now, I rarely talk to him at all. NOW, this seems natural. At first, though, it was odd & took some adjusting. You'll get there. And - I do understand the layer of not wanting to cause unnecessary drama. You've got this. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 19, 2017 14:50:26 GMT -5
I understood the tongue in cheek aspect, shamwow . Still I thought the vignette betrayed a little... um- just a little too much concern for her concerns. Or actual consternation on your part about her response(s). Just DO start practicing at not involving her in your personal life. That takes awhile to erode away. Even when I moved to the guest room, I would find myself talking to STBX about "stuff" - like how my day was - and partway through, realize this wasn't his business anymore. He hadn't asked or listened for 3+ years, and here I was, including him anyway b/c I don't know why! So I kept practicing. And now, I rarely talk to him at all. NOW, this seems natural. At first, though, it was odd & took some adjusting. You'll get there. And - I do understand the layer of not wanting to cause unnecessary drama. You've got this. Re-reading my initial post I think you're right. 20 years of giving a shit is a hard habit to break. I wrote that post before I had a chance to think about it some. Her reasonable request to delay to get house ready got piled on by essentially her concern that I'm dating when I get out. Interesting psychology mixing the two. I wonder if it is deliberate on her part. Knowing her I don't think so but who knows? I'll be mindful of that type of thing (give a mouse a cookie) in other areas as we move forward. In the meantime? Same answer... I don't give a shit. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 19, 2017 15:50:53 GMT -5
I'm fixed and it wasn't difficult at all. I've been more sore from a hard workout. It differs depending on the method - avoid the "hammer tap" method for those that are squeamish about an incision - it's a lot more painful. Shave your junk - get some cold packs in underwear that has support, a few painkillers and you are good to go. I was only down for a day and a half - and 3 of taking it easy with no workouts or lifting.
I've enjoyed peace of mind knowing that there will be NO accidents. I have dated a woman whose ex-husband HAD an accident, and it caused a lot of complications. On the other hand, I've also lost some dating opportunities from women who wanted an option for children. Still, I don't want to have more children.
As for your ex-wife, you've shown what it takes for her to show an interest in your nuts. You will date again, whether it is sooner or later. You don't need to tell her about your plans to date, or share with her any aspect of this.
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