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Post by sadkat on Apr 29, 2021 20:49:29 GMT -5
Sayings and phrases have meaning based on time and circumstances. My army "candy-ass" applied to that situation and time. What ever Deadzone75 meant by "candy-ass" is likely different than my 50+ year ago Army experiences. BTW, I wasn't judging DZ75. I was mostly giving an example based on an old USA situation for people that live in other countries. I am sorry if I gave that impression, that was not my intention at all. Merely an encouragement for DZ not to be quite so hard on himself. My vocabulary has been delightfully expanded here. The word “junk” is my absolute favourite and I use it at every opportunity, including clinically. I think “candy ass” is a bit of a risk as I assumed it was something to do with delicious bottoms. I shouldn’t be out on my own sometimes.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 29, 2021 20:49:56 GMT -5
😂😂. This has become a hysterical conversation!
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Post by sadkat on Apr 29, 2021 20:52:18 GMT -5
Wow! I wasn’t expecting that answer! I know you must be feeling a mixture of relief and uncertainty. FWIW- I think leaving is the right thing to do. I certainly don’t regret leaving my marriage. That being said, you’re facing a difficult road. Lean on the people who care about you. If you need any advice or just a listening empathetic ear, you know where to find me. Thank you. It's surreal right now. I've gone from elation to panic to everything in between. This morning in the shower I got mad because I thought she stole my thunder by initiating the conversation. I fantasized about it for years, and I ended up going out like a punk. But I guess it doesn't matter how I got here, as long as I got here, to where I know it needs to be. Yes- it doesn’t matter how you got here. Not at all. It’s what you do moving forward that will define your future. As I said, get the support you need to get where you need to be. And lean on those who love you.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 29, 2021 23:50:44 GMT -5
In unravelling an ILIASM deal, you don't get bonus points for technical excellence, nor do you get points for artistic merit or style. For that matter you don't get extra points for being the initiator of the split either. Whilst being mindful of it being a good idea to try and keep things civil, the goal is to get out. Good luck Brother deadzone75 . Short term, this is going to be one of the most difficult things you've ever done, but it is the longer term goal to keep your eye on. Thank you. I've been trying to invoke how I felt in my twenties, the last time I was on my own, and when there were many question marks regarding the future. The difference is, I was young enough then to be blissfully unaware how slippery the slope was.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 29, 2021 23:55:13 GMT -5
😂😂. This has become a hysterical conversation! The important takeaway is that you can sprinkle powdered sugar on a posterior and clean it off how you see fit.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 30, 2021 20:33:32 GMT -5
😂😂. This has become a hysterical conversation! The important takeaway is that you can sprinkle powdered sugar on a posterior and clean it off how you see fit. You are absolutely right about that deadzone75! You don’t know how ecstatic I am to see that wonderful wit again!
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Post by blueguy on Jun 20, 2021 22:57:02 GMT -5
We just crossed our 20th anniversary last week and it just made me feel so depressed. I had to pretend to enjoy the dinner with the wife, knowing sex wouldn’t happen. Sex hasn’t happened in over a month and I’m actually glad it hasn’t. I’m so sick of starfish sex since there’s no passion. She basically lays there and tells me to hurry up when we do. She thinks blowjobs are disgusting which is why I haven’t had one since my wedding night when she told me she thought they were disgusting and she only did it when we were dating because she thought I’d leave her. I haven’t had a handjob in several years as she doesn’t like touching me. She has to be asexual and I’ve told her this since she has no desire for sex. I ended up that night doing what I normally do to take care of it.
I feel trapped since we have two kids and I make quite a bit more than she does. I’d be screwed if we were to divorce now.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2021 8:33:15 GMT -5
blueguy -- Time to realize you have a choice, and one of those choices is that you don't have to pretend with your wife that you are happy in your marriage. Even if you choose to stay, you don't have to celebrate anniversaries or Valentine's Day. Years before I divorced -- indeed, a few years before I even thought of divorcing-- I stopped celebrating anniversaries with my husband. I wasn't mean about that. I just said, "We've been married a long time and there's no need to do anything special to celebrate our marriage." He agreed without question. Frankly, I was tired of just going through the motions and I didn't want to endure any more celebrations that weren't celebrations.
You don't have to "pretend to enjoy dinner with the wife." That is your choice. And if you are doing that because she'd pitch a fit if you didn't, then why are you choosing to stay with someone who is so unkind? And why does her reaction matter so much to you that you choose to fake celebrate something that makes you miserable?
As for this: "I feel trapped since we have two kids and I make quite a bit more than she does. I’d be screwed if we were to divorce now" -- you have no idea what your financial situation would be unless you've taken the time and effort to get advice from a lawyer. It also can help to talk to a therapist to sort your thoughts out. And, frankly, if you are so miserable now, you might be happier with less money but more freedom. When I divorced (after being married 34 years) -- after being in therapy for a while and after talking to a lawyer-- I was at the point of believing I'd prefer living in a rented room that continuing with the sham of a marriage while living in my dream house. Freedom meant much more to me than material things. I was 60 so, unlike what's probably true for you, I didn't have much options when it came to finding jobs to boost my income. But I have been much, much happier divorced. And to my surprise, I also found a way of having a very comfortable lifestyle as well as a wonderful romantic partner. But even if I hadn't found love and wasn't living very economically comfortably, I'd still be happy that I am no longer in a sham of a marriage.
If, however, you choose to stay, own your choice and enjoy the benefits that you get by remaining in your marriage. Obviously there are some or you'd have moved on. You don't have to be a martyr. You can choose to view yourself as more than a "blue guy."
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 21, 2021 9:22:08 GMT -5
I agree with NSM above. When I called time of death on my SM I distanced myself from my W. We no longer celebrated anniversaries or did extended family stuff. I stopped eating meals with her, etc. I wasn't hateful about it, I just made myself unavailable. When we decided to make the divorce official and she moved out I was almost 66. Like NSM I had decided even if it meant losing a new home I was willing to do it rather than continue the status quo in a sham marriage where I was miserable. Maybe you will go with the college plan to get to the end, but try to find something meaningful rather than just existing as a "blue guy".
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Post by catlover on Jun 21, 2021 11:01:00 GMT -5
I am stuck. I have a very ill wife, no chance I could leave her, she would not be able to support herself, never mind it would be totally morally (in my book) wrong. I have to endure it for s long as it takes. To meet my intimate needs I don’t have many options. Outsourcing will be either an affair or a pay for play arrangement. Not the life I had planned.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2021 17:04:49 GMT -5
Catlover, what is wrong with your wife? You've often mentioned that she is chronically ill but you've never said what her medical condition is. And how old are your children and how many do you have? And, finally, have you ever talked to a lawyer or sought other help to see what arrangements might be available to your wife if you became disabled, divorced or died before her?
I'm also wondering if your wife is staying in the marriage not out of love but because that's the best way for her to be taken care of especially since she is ill. If that's the case, then she may be willing to drop all of the things like anniversary celebrations. If she is sure you won't leave her, she also may be willing to allow you to see other women.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 22, 2021 6:12:22 GMT -5
I'm also wondering if your wife is staying in the marriage not out of love but because that's the best way for her to be taken care of especially since she is ill. If that's the case, then she may be willing to drop all of the things like anniversary celebrations. If she is sure you won't leave her, she also may be willing to allow you to see other women. This applies to blueguy too. Celebrating the longest friendship I've ever had with my best friend every year was a happy, worthwhile thing, once I had resolved to open my marriage I never actually had to open it, but the self-liberation at the time made the good parts of the marriage much easier to appreciate. Both of us appreciated my optimistic attitude, even if she hated the reason. (enough to reset)
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Post by catlover on Jun 22, 2021 23:52:26 GMT -5
Catlover, what is wrong with your wife? You've often mentioned that she is chronically ill but you've never said what her medical condition is. And how old are your children and how many do you have? And, finally, have you ever talked to a lawyer or sought other help to see what arrangements might be available to your wife if you became disabled, divorced or died before her? I'm also wondering if your wife is staying in the marriage not out of love but because that's the best way for her to be taken care of especially since she is ill. If that's the case, then she may be willing to drop all of the things like anniversary celebrations. If she is sure you won't leave her, she also may be willing to allow you to see other women. She has a rare hereditary disease called Amyloidosis, affects heart, nervous system, gi tract etc. Real fun stuff, progressive and ultimately fatal. Until very recently there was no real treatment available, been some remarkable progress in the last couple years though.. unfortunately the best that can be hoped for is halting the progression, reversal of effects is but a dream right now. She was told she only had about 18 months left about 6 years ago. Tough lady, refuses to give in and has founded an advocacy organization . Our child is 34 🙂
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