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Post by sadkat on Apr 23, 2021 21:53:09 GMT -5
Wow...I forgot about this thread...4 years ago, and I was internally pleading for a scrap to be thrown my way. Anniversary 16 came and went last week, only this year there were no expectations, and no desire for (or to settle for) a scrap. And this year, the wasteland that this M has become was brought to the table, and by her, no less. She asked, "Have you ever wanted out of this marriage?" Now, I have mentally prepared for initial exit talks for years, playing out all the possible ways it could start and end, and in not one of those scenarios did she take the lead. This led to the first semi-heart-to-heart discussions about this M in as many years, about 12 years or so overdue, but...better late than never. When I started this thread, you couldn't have convinced me that I'd still be here 4 years later. 4 years from now, I won't be here, one way or another. I'm not out by any means, but initial talks have taken place, and the strangest thing...I've actually felt pretty damn good since. I'm not doing cartwheels, but there is a sense of victory in bringing the dysfunction to the surface, no more pretending...tell the truth that I'm not crazy but you likely are, and I can stop brooding for the first time in more than a decade and a half. The weight isn't as heavy, the process of bleeding out the resentment. The sad truth...best Anniversary of them all. Good for you, deadzone75! You are right. There is a sense of relief when it’s all out in the open. I hope it takes much less than 4 years to actually end the M but I know these things can take time- especially if you want to maintain some sort of relationship after it’s all said and done.
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Post by baza on Apr 23, 2021 22:24:52 GMT -5
"The truth will set you free". John 8:31-32 ESV. This might be true for BOTH of you Brother deadzone75 .
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 23, 2021 22:56:27 GMT -5
#16 was my last. Sounds like a golden opportunity... Lucky 16!
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 23, 2021 22:58:49 GMT -5
Wow...I forgot about this thread...4 years ago, and I was internally pleading for a scrap to be thrown my way. Anniversary 16 came and went last week, only this year there were no expectations, and no desire for (or to settle for) a scrap. And this year, the wasteland that this M has become was brought to the table, and by her, no less. She asked, "Have you ever wanted out of this marriage?" Now, I have mentally prepared for initial exit talks for years, playing out all the possible ways it could start and end, and in not one of those scenarios did she take the lead. This led to the first semi-heart-to-heart discussions about this M in as many years, about 12 years or so overdue, but...better late than never. When I started this thread, you couldn't have convinced me that I'd still be here 4 years later. 4 years from now, I won't be here, one way or another. I'm not out by any means, but initial talks have taken place, and the strangest thing...I've actually felt pretty damn good since. I'm not doing cartwheels, but there is a sense of victory in bringing the dysfunction to the surface, no more pretending...tell the truth that I'm not crazy but you likely are, and I can stop brooding for the first time in more than a decade and a half. The weight isn't as heavy, the process of bleeding out the resentment. The sad truth...best Anniversary of them all. Good for you, deadzone75 ! You are right. There is a sense of relief when it’s all out in the open. I hope it takes much less than 4 years to actually end the M but I know these things can take time- especially if you want to maintain some sort of relationship after it’s all said and done. It is the mother of all elephants in the room, no doubt!
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Post by isthisit on Apr 24, 2021 0:46:36 GMT -5
Good for you DZ. This sounds like it has been a long time coming.
Your description of a strange sense of relief and almost joy certainly resonates with me. Just to lose of the weight of pretence, plus a growing sense that my future was mine to shape and would not look like my past was enough to lift my mood in exactly the way you describe.
Your W raising the issue gives hope that your process will be relatively pain free. Good luck to you both.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 24, 2021 9:24:46 GMT -5
Good for you DZ. This sounds like it has been a long time coming. Your description of a strange sense of relief and almost joy certainly resonates with me. Just to lose of the weight of pretence, plus a growing sense that my future was mine to shape and would not look like my past was enough to lift my mood in exactly the way you describe. Your W raising the issue gives hope that your process will be relatively pain free. Good luck to you both. It's certainly not a place you can get to by keeping silence, I learned.
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Post by catlover on Apr 24, 2021 11:02:16 GMT -5
For me, its coming up six years since ANY intimate activities have happened, and for about the previous 6-8 years before that was pretty miserable too.
the exact date is June 12 2014 (sheeit its not 6 but 7 years!! ). How do I know this, because it was a foolhardy attempt at re-igniting things, and n=had it noted in my diary)
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 26, 2021 5:48:15 GMT -5
She asked, "Have you ever wanted out of this marriage?" Okay, fine. I'll be the nosey one. How did you answer? I've got about five possibilities I'm envisioning you responding with.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 26, 2021 22:58:03 GMT -5
She asked, "Have you ever wanted out of this marriage?" Okay, fine. I'll be the nosey one. How did you answer? I've got about five possibilities I'm envisioning you responding with. I turned it back to her as a statement. If she has been paying attention at all for the last 16 years, she already knew my answer. To ask me that question is further insult to my plight. But what WAS news was that she had her own feelings of regret. So I told her that she clearly had regret, otherwise she wouldn't have asked, but lacked the courage to come outright with it. Not that I'm one to talk about courage, but we both found courage on this day, and on our anniversary of all days. We revisited and took stock, and the situation was decidedly even more depressing than I was aware of. The thing is, there is an ominous feeling I was not expecting when this day finally came. There is a pressing question that she didn't volunteer an answer for, that I didn't want to ask. She's depressed, tired of feeling me feeling bad. I wanted to ask where she goes from here. I know where I go--to uncertainty and hopefully hope--but where does she hope to go? Does she hope to find an asexual partner to settle down with? Or was I so transparent at the end to drive her to wish to just be alone? It doesn't matter now, no more than why she never liked sex.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 27, 2021 5:47:54 GMT -5
Why are you focusing on what she will do. You are both miserable. Your marriage is a farce. Pull the plug or if you are waiting for something like kids to graduate, set a date to pull the plug. Time to man up unless you love wallowing in misery.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 27, 2021 6:13:14 GMT -5
Okay, fine. I'll be the nosey one. How did you answer? I've got about five possibilities I'm envisioning you responding with. I turned it back to her as a statement. If she has been paying attention at all for the last 16 years, she already knew my answer. To ask me that question is further insult to my plight. But what WAS news was that she had her own feelings of regret. So I told her that she clearly had regret, otherwise she wouldn't have asked, but lacked the courage to come outright with it. Not that I'm one to talk about courage, but we both found courage on this day, and on our anniversary of all days. We revisited and took stock, and the situation was decidedly even more depressing than I was aware of. The thing is, there is an ominous feeling I was not expecting when this day finally came. There is a pressing question that she didn't volunteer an answer for, that I didn't want to ask. She's depressed, tired of feeling me feeling bad. I wanted to ask where she goes from here. I know where I go--to uncertainty and hopefully hope--but where does she hope to go? Does she hope to find an asexual partner to settle down with? Or was I so transparent at the end to drive her to wish to just be alone? It doesn't matter now, no more than why she never liked sex. Ouch. Good reasoning though. She wouldn't ask if nothing was wrong. Does it matter where she goes? It might. We have heard of refused spouses keeping tabs and some even maintain healthy friendships. Maybe you want to be one of those. (No obligation, but an option.) .
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 27, 2021 18:56:44 GMT -5
I turned it back to her as a statement. If she has been paying attention at all for the last 16 years, she already knew my answer. To ask me that question is further insult to my plight. But what WAS news was that she had her own feelings of regret. So I told her that she clearly had regret, otherwise she wouldn't have asked, but lacked the courage to come outright with it. Not that I'm one to talk about courage, but we both found courage on this day, and on our anniversary of all days. We revisited and took stock, and the situation was decidedly even more depressing than I was aware of. The thing is, there is an ominous feeling I was not expecting when this day finally came. There is a pressing question that she didn't volunteer an answer for, that I didn't want to ask. She's depressed, tired of feeling me feeling bad. I wanted to ask where she goes from here. I know where I go--to uncertainty and hopefully hope--but where does she hope to go? Does she hope to find an asexual partner to settle down with? Or was I so transparent at the end to drive her to wish to just be alone? It doesn't matter now, no more than why she never liked sex. Ouch. Good reasoning though. She wouldn't ask if nothing was wrong. Does it matter where she goes? It might. We have heard of refused spouses keeping tabs and some even maintain healthy friendships. Maybe you want to be one of those. (No obligation, but an option.) . I highly doubt we will keep in touch. We have grown more distant with each passing year, and there are no children involved.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 27, 2021 22:00:54 GMT -5
Was there any conclusion to this discussion deadzone75 ? Or was it left open ended for another discussion in the future?
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 28, 2021 0:19:50 GMT -5
Was there any conclusion to this discussion deadzone75 ? Or was it left open ended for another discussion in the future? We agreed on an exit by the end of the year, if not sooner. The logistics will be a bit more to sort out on my end since she'll stay and I'll go.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 28, 2021 5:57:20 GMT -5
Ouch. Good reasoning though. She wouldn't ask if nothing was wrong. Does it matter where she goes? It might. We have heard of refused spouses keeping tabs and some even maintain healthy friendships. Maybe you want to be one of those. (No obligation, but an option.) . I highly doubt we will keep in touch. We have grown more distant with each passing year, and there are no children involved.
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