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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 15, 2017 13:32:09 GMT -5
My STBX just came back from a 10 day business trip. During her absence, I moved about 90% of my stuff out into a new apartment that I signed the lease on earlier this month. STBX is aware, our adult children are aware, my and her parents are aware, my 6 year old is aware, BUT not my teenage son.
So in the next days I will be moving out about 10 miles to this apartment and our separation will be VERY REAL.
But FIRST must come the TALK with my Teenage Son.
My STBX specifically said for me to wait until she came back. Well today she is back. I suppose we celebrate Easter as a Family and the TALK happens as from Monday. I am in "Freak-Out" Mode and dreading this but it must happen.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 15, 2017 14:08:01 GMT -5
If he is like any teenager, he probably has a good idea of what's about to happen. While he won't like it, he will get used to it and even enjoy the fact that Dad has a new pad; even better if you have a gaming system. Just let him know that no matter what, you and your STBX will be there for him.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 15, 2017 14:55:11 GMT -5
If he is like any teenager, he probably has a good idea of what's about to happen. While he won't like it, he will get used to it and even enjoy the fact that Dad has a new pad; even better if you have a gaming system. Just let him know that no matter what, you and your STBX will be there for him. Appreciate the encouraging post, thank-you. Gaming system. Huh, hadnt thought of that one. |
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Post by obobfla on Apr 15, 2017 15:11:11 GMT -5
I have an Xbox One. It is as much an adult toy as a teenager toy. Also works as a Blu-Ray player.
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Post by wom360 on Apr 15, 2017 17:33:02 GMT -5
You moved 90% of your stuff but he doesn't know? Is he blind or otherwise disabled?
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 16, 2017 1:49:44 GMT -5
You moved 90% of your stuff but he doesn't know? Is he blind or otherwise disabled? Valid point, no he has excellent vision and an athlete and pretty smart. He sees me moving stuff around in the house and all the furniture etc. is there. He probably suspects . . . It is the actual TALK though that is pending. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 16, 2017 8:58:11 GMT -5
I had my talk with the kids 9 days ago so it's fresh in my mind.
First of all make sure your story with the wife is straight. We wrote a "script" that was really just talking points. The script moved to a conversation pretty quickly.
Know what you are got going to say about why this is happening (they don't need to know everything), where they are going to live and go to school. What happens with pets, belongings, and friends.
Expect them to be self centered. That's normal.
And expect tears. From everyone. Including you.
I wish you well brother but a week on the other side if the conversation I can say that the world is still spinning.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 18, 2017 5:20:49 GMT -5
My STBX just came back from a 10 day business trip. During her absence, I moved about 90% of my stuff out into a new apartment that I signed the lease on earlier this month. STBX is aware, our adult children are aware, my and her parents are aware, my 6 year old is aware, BUT not my teenage son. So in the next days I will be moving out about 10 miles to this apartment and our separation will be VERY REAL. But FIRST must come the TALK with my Teenage Son. My STBX specifically said for me to wait until she came back. Well today she is back. I suppose we celebrate Easter as a Family and the TALK happens as from Monday. I am in "Freak-Out" Mode and dreading this but it must happen. I hope you enjoyed your Easter with family, McRoomMate. Good luck with talking to your son. Ten miles is not to far at all. That's my daily commute to work. Good luck also with your move and life ahead. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 18, 2017 7:35:23 GMT -5
UPDATE - So I moved out and spent my first night in my new apartment - boxes everywhere - what a moving mess.
Children, STBX wife, and mother-in-law are all upset. I feel like the bad guy. My emotions and heart are a Stage 5 Hurricane right now. I am functioning and working etc - all nice and calm on the outside - but my heart has never been a bigger mess. My 6 year old said "She was mad at me" and asked "Why am I living in the other house"? My teenage son took it the best. The adult children who knew are also freaking out. So is my father - he is having a nervous meltdown. What a FUBAR right now - I don't know which way is up.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 18, 2017 7:39:09 GMT -5
I had my talk with the kids 9 days ago so it's fresh in my mind. First of all make sure your story with the wife is straight. We wrote a "script" that was really just talking points. The script moved to a conversation pretty quickly. Know what you are got going to say about why this is happening (they don't need to know everything), where they are going to live and go to school. What happens with pets, belongings, and friends. Expect them to be self centered. That's normal. And expect tears. From everyone. Including you. I wish you well brother but a week on the other side if the conversation I can say that the world is still spinning. THANK-YOU shamwow Wow. I was not expecting it to be this brutal. Yes and for me too. I don't know which way is up right now and I am questioning everything - talk about "weathering a storm". My W refused adamantly to participate and then I had to tell my son by myself - then she took them in a room and shut the door. I can only imagine what she said. Absolutely No unity in this with her. I had no choice. She said "Your decision, you tell them alone". Everybody is very upset now as you can imagine and I could not imagine - well I "imagined" it intellectually but the "emotional" power - well you as you know you can only experience it - not exactly fun. Appreciate in a huge way the support !!! |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 18, 2017 9:21:47 GMT -5
I had my talk with the kids 9 days ago so it's fresh in my mind. First of all make sure your story with the wife is straight. We wrote a "script" that was really just talking points. The script moved to a conversation pretty quickly. Know what you are got going to say about why this is happening (they don't need to know everything), where they are going to live and go to school. What happens with pets, belongings, and friends. Expect them to be self centered. That's normal. And expect tears. From everyone. Including you. I wish you well brother but a week on the other side if the conversation I can say that the world is still spinning. THANK-YOU shamwow Wow. I was not expecting it to be this brutal. Yes and for me too. I don't know which way is up right now and I am questioning everything - talk about "weathering a storm". My W refused adamantly to participate and then I had to tell my son by myself - then she took them in a room and shut the door. I can only imagine what she said. Absolutely No unity in this with her. I had no choice. She said "Your decision, you tell them alone". Everybody is very upset now as you can imagine and I could not imagine - well I "imagined" it intellectually but the "emotional" power - well you as you know you can only experience it - not exactly fun. Appreciate in a huge way the support !!! Christ on a cracker! That is fucking horrible of her. The welfare of the kids should come FIRST in this situation and she is intentionally running them through the wringer. In this situation, the only advice I can give you is for every insult she gives, let it wash of you like water off a duck. Every time she gives a snide comment? Quack. Every time she tells the kids something behind your back? Quack. Every time she loses her shit and acts unreasonably? Quack. Do not return fire in front of the kids. If she says something untrue, challenge it. But don't launch counter-attacks. I know that is easy to say for me. Mine is amicable (although that doesn't mean we don't want to strangle each other pretty often nowadays). But if you do this, you will be in a better place. Kids are pretty smart. If you are calm and collected (not to be mistaken with cold) and she is caustic and calculating, they will see it. Maybe not today, but in the days to come certainly. And which one would the kids rather be with? The one who is hateful and spiteful or the one who tries to deal with the situation as best as he can. Sorry you married a delusional bitch. Just have faith that the kids will see that behavior and make their own judgements. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 18, 2017 10:11:49 GMT -5
THANK-YOU shamwow Wow. I was not expecting it to be this brutal. Yes and for me too. I don't know which way is up right now and I am questioning everything - talk about "weathering a storm". My W refused adamantly to participate and then I had to tell my son by myself - then she took them in a room and shut the door. I can only imagine what she said. Absolutely No unity in this with her. I had no choice. She said "Your decision, you tell them alone". Everybody is very upset now as you can imagine and I could not imagine - well I "imagined" it intellectually but the "emotional" power - well you as you know you can only experience it - not exactly fun. Appreciate in a huge way the support !!! Christ on a cracker! That is fucking horrible of her. The welfare of the kids should come FIRST in this situation and she is intentionally running them through the wringer. In this situation, the only advice I can give you is for every insult she gives, let it wash of you like water off a duck. Every time she gives a snide comment? Quack. Every time she tells the kids something behind your back? Quack. Every time she loses her shit and acts unreasonably? Quack. Do not return fire in front of the kids. If she says something untrue, challenge it. But don't launch counter-attacks. I know that is easy to say for me. Mine is amicable (although that doesn't mean we don't want to strangle each other pretty often nowadays). But if you do this, you will be in a better place. Kids are pretty smart. If you are calm and collected (not to be mistaken with cold) and she is caustic and calculating, they will see it. Maybe not today, but in the days to come certainly. And which one would the kids rather be with? The one who is hateful and spiteful or the one who tries to deal with the situation as best as he can. Sorry you married a delusional bitch. Just have faith that the kids will see that behavior and make their own judgements. Thank-you absolutely. Compassion, love, and kindness . . . these are the only "weapons" that will work in this situation. All throughout my life I always considered "Fighting" either by hook or crook (pen or baseball bat) as the way forward. However, for this situation - I am just going to be a cross between Ward Cleaver and Gandhi and Jesus (respectfully). Now comes the time of ACTION and showing my Love, compassion, and kindness. They feel abandoned and guilty etc. and are angry - so the ball is in my court as never before. Appreciate the feedback/guidance very very much ! ! ! |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 19, 2017 0:52:24 GMT -5
Christ on a cracker! That is fucking horrible of her. The welfare of the kids should come FIRST in this situation and she is intentionally running them through the wringer. In this situation, the only advice I can give you is for every insult she gives, let it wash of you like water off a duck. Every time she gives a snide comment? Quack. Every time she tells the kids something behind your back? Quack. Every time she loses her shit and acts unreasonably? Quack. Do not return fire in front of the kids. If she says something untrue, challenge it. But don't launch counter-attacks. I know that is easy to say for me. Mine is amicable (although that doesn't mean we don't want to strangle each other pretty often nowadays). But if you do this, you will be in a better place. Kids are pretty smart. If you are calm and collected (not to be mistaken with cold) and she is caustic and calculating, they will see it. Maybe not today, but in the days to come certainly. And which one would the kids rather be with? The one who is hateful and spiteful or the one who tries to deal with the situation as best as he can. Sorry you married a delusional bitch. Just have faith that the kids will see that behavior and make their own judgements. Thank-you absolutely. Compassion, love, and kindness . . . these are the only "weapons" that will work in this situation. All throughout my life I always considered "Fighting" either by hook or crook (pen or baseball bat) as the way forward. However, for this situation - I am just going to be a cross between Ward Cleaver and Gandhi and Jesus (respectfully). Now comes the time of ACTION and showing my Love, compassion, and kindness. They feel abandoned and guilty etc. and are angry - so the ball is in my court as never before. Appreciate the feedback/guidance very very much ! ! ! The only thing I would add to this is now you have moved out you need to make sure you are still a big presence in your kids lives. When my brother left his marriage his teenage daughter was very upset and didn't want to see him so he backed off and gave her space. And then more space. And then more space. And eventually they ended up very distant and they still are. Your relationships are obviously not the same as his, but make sure you are a constant presence for them so they can get used to the new situation with you around, and not get used to it without you being there. |
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