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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 13, 2017 7:14:28 GMT -5
I received this in my inbox. Probably too late for many of us, but maybe there is someone here it can help.... A few weeks ago, I saw a couple for the first time in coaching.
They were seeing me because after years of experiencing tension around their lack of sexual intimacy, they wanted help.
At the end of the session, one of them said something that totally floored me:
“I realise now that I need to focus more on EMOTIONAL INTIMACY with my wife rather than SEXUAL INTIMACY.”
Since then we’ve been working with practical strategies to help them reconnect and ignite lasting desire in their relationship - with incredible results.
Today I want to share 3 keys to sustaining desire - so you can experience deeper connection, intimacy and love.
1. Begin with emotional intimacy
We need a happy, loving relationship for desire to really thrive. Yet, in our busy world, we can quickly become disconnected and feel like ships passing in the night - or more like house mates than lovers. We need to spend time together, make an effort to connect and build emotional connection as a foundation for sexual intimacy.
2. Understand that women’s sexual desire is different from male sexual desire
We often expect women’s sexual desire to react behave the way male sexual desire does - and feel confused and frustrated when it doesn’t. Women have a different make-up of hormones than men - and from a Tantric perspective, our energy flows differently too. Our sexual desire is often more likely to be responsive than spontaneous, which means we need to cultivate our desire.
3. Focus on sensual pleasure
Sensuality and pleasure are vital to igniting lasting desire. And these can often be forgotten as we focus more on our partner or fulfilling a ‘goal’ of intercourse rather than just enjoyment. Sensual, loving touch helps our bodies to release oxytocin which helps us feel connected and helps ignite desire.
Regaining intimacy and desire with our partner can feel just too hard. But I’m here to tell you that it’s possible and it’s worth it.
Next Thursday I’m running a FREE Workshop where I’ll be talking more about how to reconnect and ignite lasting desire.
FREE ONLINE WORKSHOP
How to Reconnect, Feel Inseparable + Ignite Lasting Desire with your Love
Click here to sign up and receive the replay.
Wishing you a joyful, safe and relaxing long weekend Ann.
With love,
Isiah.xx
Isiah McKimmie
Couples Therapist | Sexologist | Coach
info@isiah-mckimmie.com | www.isiah-mckimmie.com |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 13, 2017 7:53:10 GMT -5
I think this is really great... But... And it's a huge but.. It will only help someone or a couple who are both on board with this. For me the main problem is to do with lack of emotional intimacy or even an understanding on his part as to what that is. This in turn has led to lack of physical intimacy. In a fulfilling relationship they cannot be mutually exclusive. Can a person be taught emotional intimacy? What if they never understood or experienced that as a child?
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2017 8:19:57 GMT -5
I agree with seabr33
Both people have to want it and the typical refuser doesn't. They are avoidant. My ex was intimacy averse with me.
My having no comparison relationship enabled him and me not knowing any better.
With my FWB there is kissing and eye contact and talking during sex and it's like watching a silent movie in black and white (sex with ex) vs a full color action adventure movie marathon (with FWB).
Sex and intimacy cultivates a connection and a couple either want that with each other or they don't.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 13, 2017 8:30:38 GMT -5
I definitely agree with this. I also agree with Seabr33z that it takes two. Can someone be taught it? I don't know. My ex had very little emotional intelligence or ability to be emotionally intimate. I swear he must be somewhere on the autism/Asperger scale. Must be. Talking with him was always so frustrating. He'd say something, I would respond, he'd say something else. He didn't listen or seek to understand or want to know more about me. Talking religion with YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't be taboo because "beliefs are personal." We'd go out to eat and sit there in silence - every time. That was one of my biggest fears with my now-husband, "Omg.. when are we going to run out of things to talk about?  " Because I HATED that, sitting there with nothing to say, wanting to be with a good friend or family or anyone else just so you could connect with someone. My husband even jokes about that because before we were able to actually meet (due to living so far from each other) we talked for hours and hours at a time on the phone and I mentioned, "When we actually meet we will have nothing left to say." Well--- we still haven't run out of things to talk about 3 years later. Last night we met up for an impromptu dining out date because we both worked late and we laughed and talked through the whole dinner. I left the restaurant my arm in his thinking, "huh... we still got it!!" I notice things like that - like an enjoyable night with my husband because I lived the opposite most of my adult life and I will never ever NEVER take it for granted. Some people are so incapable of connecting - emotional intimacy really does make sexual intimacy better, I think. (and yes, we had amazing sex last night). Laughing, he literally texted me right now, "Thanks for the loving last night, angel." Melts me every time. Every. Time. I don't know how some people end up cold and disconnected, not needing touch, play, intimacy or joy. It's sad. For all involved, especially their suffering spouses. Got sidetracked -- that's what I do when I start writing. I will stop now. Good points in the OP.  |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 13, 2017 11:42:47 GMT -5
WindSisterI'm only going to focus on " Can someone be taught it?" In my belief the answer is "sort of". Bad answer right? I think so also. If someone WANTS to learn it, WANTS to connect WITH YOU, then yes, it can be learned. But if they don't, they won't. That's the "dirty little secret" in a SM. It usually (not always) is a sign that something else is wrong. There are exceptions. But if the communication isn't there, the connection, the bond, it's never going to happen. Never ever ever. Why do you and your now husband have so much to say? Because you are BOTH comfortable with sharing with each other, and you BOTH want to.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 13, 2017 14:18:38 GMT -5
WindSister I'm only going to focus on " Can someone be taught it?" In my belief the answer is "sort of". Bad answer right? I think so also. If someone WANTS to learn it, WANTS to connect WITH YOU, then yes, it can be learned. But if they don't, they won't. That's the "dirty little secret" in a SM. It usually (not always) is a sign that something else is wrong. There are exceptions. But if the communication isn't there, the connection, the bond, it's never going to happen. Never ever ever. Why do you and your now husband have so much to say? Because you are BOTH comfortable with sharing with each other, and you BOTH want to. Yes, that's the truth. And if it dies, if one of us should shut down, it is all lost. That could happen. Of course I hope it doesn't, but, like the text you shared, relationships and the people in them are ever-changing. We want constant though.... that's why we cling to what is broken for far too long. But then there is always, always the question -- can we experience all this intimacy with one person.... for LIFE? I am 3 years in this relationship, and optimistically need to believe, yes. We just don't get a ton of examples to look at, though. My mom and dad sort of were an example -- 43 years, slow dancing on the dock after a midnight jet boat cruise one weekend, dad died of a heart attack the next. They had their moments of near-divorce, though. Mom says they worked hard to come back from it --- I can only assume that meant re-working at intimacy on every level. And, yes, that took both of them. So yes, it can if both want that. If both are ebbing and flowing and growing along with the relationship. One can't stay stagnant and expect things to work out. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 13, 2017 14:35:23 GMT -5
WindSisterCan we experience this? I know people who have, as you do so clearly the answer is YES. If two people WANT to. If that is the most important thing to them and remains the most important thing, then yes, I believe people can. Please keep in mind... I could be wrong.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 13, 2017 18:49:10 GMT -5
I definitely agree with this. I also agree with Seabr33z that it takes two. Can someone be taught it? I don't know. My ex had very little emotional intelligence or ability to be emotionally intimate. I swear he must be somewhere on the autism/Asperger scale. Must be. Talking with him was always so frustrating. He'd say something, I would respond, he'd say something else. He didn't listen or seek to understand or want to know more about me. Talking religion with YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't be taboo because "beliefs are personal." We'd go out to eat and sit there in silence - every time. That was one of my biggest fears with my now-husband, "Omg.. when are we going to run out of things to talk about? " Because I HATED that, sitting there with nothing to say, wanting to be with a good friend or family or anyone else just so you could connect with someone. My husband even jokes about that because before we were able to actually meet (due to living so far from each other) we talked for hours and hours at a time on the phone and I mentioned, "When we actually meet we will have nothing left to say." Well--- we still haven't run out of things to talk about 3 years later. Last night we met up for an impromptu dining out date because we both worked late and we laughed and talked through the whole dinner. I left the restaurant my arm in his thinking, "huh... we still got it!!" I notice things like that - like an enjoyable night with my husband because I lived the opposite most of my adult life and I will never ever NEVER take it for granted. Some people are so incapable of connecting - emotional intimacy really does make sexual intimacy better, I think. (and yes, we had amazing sex last night). Laughing, he literally texted me right now, "Thanks for the loving last night, angel." Melts me every time. Every. Time. I don't know how some people end up cold and disconnected, not needing touch, play, intimacy or joy. It's sad. For all involved, especially their suffering spouses. Got sidetracked -- that's what I do when I start writing. I will stop now. Good points in the OP. When I see couples chatting/laughing together in restaurants or out walking, I presume that they are in a new relationship. In my world they can't possibly be married for any length of time. How sad is that. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 13, 2017 18:58:53 GMT -5
I definitely agree with this. I also agree with Seabr33z that it takes two. Can someone be taught it? I don't know. My ex had very little emotional intelligence or ability to be emotionally intimate. I swear he must be somewhere on the autism/Asperger scale. Must be. Talking with him was always so frustrating. He'd say something, I would respond, he'd say something else. He didn't listen or seek to understand or want to know more about me. Talking religion with YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't be taboo because "beliefs are personal." We'd go out to eat and sit there in silence - every time. That was one of my biggest fears with my now-husband, "Omg.. when are we going to run out of things to talk about? " Because I HATED that, sitting there with nothing to say, wanting to be with a good friend or family or anyone else just so you could connect with someone. My husband even jokes about that because before we were able to actually meet (due to living so far from each other) we talked for hours and hours at a time on the phone and I mentioned, "When we actually meet we will have nothing left to say." Well--- we still haven't run out of things to talk about 3 years later. Last night we met up for an impromptu dining out date because we both worked late and we laughed and talked through the whole dinner. I left the restaurant my arm in his thinking, "huh... we still got it!!" I notice things like that - like an enjoyable night with my husband because I lived the opposite most of my adult life and I will never ever NEVER take it for granted. Some people are so incapable of connecting - emotional intimacy really does make sexual intimacy better, I think. (and yes, we had amazing sex last night). Laughing, he literally texted me right now, "Thanks for the loving last night, angel." Melts me every time. Every. Time. I don't know how some people end up cold and disconnected, not needing touch, play, intimacy or joy. It's sad. For all involved, especially their suffering spouses. Got sidetracked -- that's what I do when I start writing. I will stop now. Good points in the OP. I do love to read of your life on the other side. It gives hope. Not just for a future with someone new( I don't have that). Just hope that for some people it is real. In this world it is hard to imagine relationships like yours as being real and achievable. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 14, 2017 9:34:45 GMT -5
seabr33z3 -- Thanks. I do have to add, though, as much as I think my relationship is perfect and special and the greatest thing ever, the reality of it is that it really isn't. We are just two imperfect people who are happy together, making our way. It's not perfect. The things I put up with with him and he puts up with me are things others would run for the hills over, I am sure. I don't share our challenges, issues, disagreements because we vowed we would go to each other first with these. This is not to talk of the sharing that goes on here with all of you -- sometimes that is definitely needed when you HAVE tried to go to your partner first and it's not working - it's natural to then seek outside advise. Anyway, so we work those out together and so far no unresolved issues linger over our heads. 3 Years, hopefully not yet... ha. Anyway, so thanks for letting me talk about the great things here, but just know, yes... there's work in the background. But it's worthwhile, loving, and sometimes fun work. And when your partner GROWS and LEARNS WITH you (aka - is willing to meet you halfway, or change for the better for you), THEN, yes, it's amazing. Yes. Those kinds of relationships exist. It takes two.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 11:20:06 GMT -5
@awakeforethedance I absolutely LOVE hearing your experience! It's so beautiful and what you always dreamt of, no? No one is perfect, but clearly you have found a balance with your differences, and what you love, clearly outweighs the differences. Btw, I tend to ramble. Feel free to call me on it when I do!  |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 14, 2017 12:56:56 GMT -5
@awakeforethedance I absolutely LOVE hearing your experience! It's so beautiful and what you always dreamt of, no? No one is perfect, but clearly you have found a balance with your differences, and what you love, clearly outweighs the differences. Btw, I tend to ramble. Feel free to call me on it when I do! Rambling is good --- I think good things always come out of it. Maybe not for the readers, but probably, most definitely the writer. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 14:21:21 GMT -5
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" Because I HATED that, sitting there with nothing to say, wanting to be with a good friend or family or anyone else just so you could connect with someone. My husband even jokes about that because before we were able to actually meet (due to living so far from each other) we talked for hours and hours at a time on the phone and I mentioned, "When we actually meet we will have nothing left to say." Well--- we still haven't run out of things to talk about 3 years later. Last night we met up for an impromptu dining out date because we both worked late and we laughed and talked through the whole dinner. I left the restaurant my arm in his thinking, "huh... we still got it!!" I notice things like that - like an enjoyable night with my husband because I lived the opposite most of my adult life and I will never ever NEVER take it for granted. 
