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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 10, 2017 8:47:30 GMT -5
About 10 days ago I was contacted by a woman on POF. She is attractive, articulate, owns her own business and employs a small # of people. We have exchanged a # of emails but not made plans to meet as yet. As part of our conversation she mentioned she is taking a class on dating and relationships and how to determine if a person is right for you. It's a 5/6 week class (not sure)and costs $600.
The class starts 1st addressing ones fears and other thoughts that block or inhibit the prospect of dating.
The 2nd class deals with the traits desired in a partner. The top 10 are listed and then one provides evidence or info that showed the other person possessed the trait or counter evidence to show they did not. The evidence is then plotted on a binary graph and narrowed down to the top 5 and then rated as to Full evidence, Some evidence, No evidence or counter evidence. The process is repeated with how the candidate or partner treats you. Classes this week deal with chemistry and compatibility. I assume the same scientific approach will be employed with evidence both for and against compiled and then plotted on a binary graph.
I can see some merit to this approach, but I am not really sold as to employing this approach as the primary tool when grading or dissecting or evaluating a relationship. I'll be interested in picking her brains when she has completed the class, if I am still on the list of suitable candidates and haven't fallen somewhere off the graph. Hmmmm...she does seem to be messaging me less as the class progresses. But I won't jump to any conclusions as the work her company does is seasonal in nature and these are the busiest weeks or the year for her.
Any thoughts or questions spring up from "thoughtful minds that want to know"?
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 10, 2017 9:18:50 GMT -5
This is awful and I'm smiling as I type this but first thing that comes to mind is
"Do you like to eat pussy?" As a weeding out question.
Of course I don't ask that right away and a man I have gone out with 3 times now and might go out with again this weekend I have not asked him this question.
All we have done so far is kiss.
As far as a class for dating and understanding compatibility - eh, I'm with you I think the process naturally happens and flows with another person but the class may help her to learn about herself and what she wants in a partner.
I made that top ten list years ago on EP with a man who is getting out of his marriage next month. I screen shotted his list and next month when his year long waiting period is up I'm going to forward that list to him as a gift. He's not on the forum but we are platonic friends IRL.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 10, 2017 9:26:59 GMT -5
I think that class is focusing too much on "others" and not the self, honestly. We can't control others. Ever. Maybe someone starts out checking all our boxes but over time they change or we change. Things change, people are always changing!
That class doesn't sound like my cup of tea as I got a headache reading about it because scientific speak is so foreign to me. I don't even get what they are doing and I read the paragraph five times. lol
I mean, I get having a list of traits a person may look for in others. I had one very clear list in my mind when I finally met my now-DH. (personal to me: affectionate, warm hands, kind eyes, kind, smiley, blue-collar but insightful, small town, at least tolerates country music, love the outdoors, etc.). I didn't tell him the list as we talked but he checked it all off and then some. I mean, literally before I met him I thought of an old flame in my old small town that I let go fresh out of high school because I moved to the city. I learned he was divorced and I couldn't stop thinking about him. HE was "the type" of man I wanted to meet. When I was drunk (in high school) I was coming on to him but he wouldn't have anything to do with it -- he kept me at bay and we cuddled because he didn't want to take advantage of me while I was drunk (it would have been our first time). I just remember that main trait about him after going out with a few men that clearly did not have such a trait. He also had those eyes that crinkle when he smiled and I had seen him just the year before - he was so warm and smiley with me, hugging me hello. Anyway, I didn't pursue him because I then met my now-DH and he was telling me about his old high school flame and the same thing happened to him and he reacted the same way. It was WILD. I mean it was that VERY story that had me looking at my old flame, you know? Obviously I like sex, but the fact that someone would not take advantage of someone spoke to me at that moment in my life. I didn't say anything about it before my nowDH told the story, but afterwards I did because it was such a significant "wow" moment. Everything with my DH has been like that, though. It's how I knew he was just "the one."
And he is "the" one. Honestly, if something happened to him I don't see me going on to another relationship. I just don't see it. I would hang on to our memories so thankful I got to experience them and just be happy single - dating for affection if I was young enough and still wanted that, but I can't see me giving another all I give him again.
Sorry, rambled.
I just don't think "science" can explain what makes relationships thrive or fail but ultimately I think each couple needs to be good at being in a relationship. That takes inner work even if you are perfect for each other.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 10, 2017 9:28:49 GMT -5
This is awful and I'm smiling as I type this but first thing that comes to mind is "Do you like to eat pussy?" As a weeding out question. I have to wonder just exactly how and where that would plot on a binary graph. LOL bballgirl, you rock !!! |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 10, 2017 9:40:27 GMT -5
I think that class is focusing too much on "others" and not the self, honestly. We can't control others. Ever. Maybe someone starts out checking all our boxes but over time they change or we change. Things change, people are always changing! That class doesn't sound like my cup of tea as I got a headache reading about it because scientific speak is so foreign to me. I don't even get what they are doing and I read the paragraph five times. lol I just don't think "science" can explain what makes relationships thrive or fail but ultimately I think each couple needs to be good at being in a relationship. That takes inner work even if you are perfect for each other. I probably didn't say enough. I get the impression that the class is actually geared toward self analysis as to how the people taking the class have gone about picking partners(current and previous) and then perhaps used the plotting methodology to explain why the relationships didn't pan out. It's a means of culling out the herd to find the best "breading stock". Not a good analysis but you get the gist I hope. At least that's how I see it at this point based on the limited amount she has relayed to me. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 10, 2017 9:46:54 GMT -5
This is awful and I'm smiling as I type this but first thing that comes to mind is "Do you like to eat pussy?" As a weeding out question. I have to wonder just exactly how and where that would plot on a binary graph. LOL bballgirl, you rock !!! Honestly the question means nothing. The true test is by performance. I've been with men that you can tell they don't truly enjoy eating pussy they just do it until I cum once then they are all about themselves. I want a man that gets off on pleasing a woman and hearing her moan and scream only feeds his ego and wants to continue. That's the way I give a blowjob with that philosophy, it's feeds me as much as you. However a lot of selfish people out there, it's tough to find someone nowadays to be compatible with and sex is just one aspect of course. Oh and thanks for the kind words! You're awesome too! |
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Post by baza on Apr 10, 2017 19:06:45 GMT -5
I heartily recommend the Sister bballgirl methodology. That one question will eliminate a heap of contenders straight off, leaving you free to concentrate on the remaining pool of talent. Following that up with another key question to the remaining talent pool - "do you have an addiction ?" would eliminate another large swathe of contenders. Following that up with another big question - "are you financially stable ?" to the remaining talent pool would carve off another large number. *Big* questions are good. Both for you to ask, and, just as much for them to ask you. They cut through a lot of peripheral bullshit. They eliminate "time wasters" and "tyre kickers" in big chunks, leaving you to concentrate on a group who *might* possibly include the nugget you want. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 10, 2017 21:27:49 GMT -5
I'm signed up for a class provided through a grant in our area. From what I understand, they will pay me a pittance to answer surveys throughout the 5 weeks.
One example curriculum piece was shared - that the first week, we'll work to identify our own values (5, I think?) - but it hasn't started yet. I hope to hell we don't graph it.
Anyway, what I expect from it is really just some focused guidance on doing my self-reflection. I'm already also with a Therapist, so some inner work is being done. But the class was free & I can use what info seems helpful & chuck the rest if it feels silly.
The graphing seems way off-point to me. And laughable.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 11, 2017 1:27:10 GMT -5
I think that class is focusing too much on "others" and not the self, honestly. We can't control others. Ever. Maybe someone starts out checking all our boxes but over time they change or we change. Things change, people are always changing! That class doesn't sound like my cup of tea as I got a headache reading about it because scientific speak is so foreign to me. I don't even get what they are doing and I read the paragraph five times. lol I mean, I get having a list of traits a person may look for in others. I had one very clear list in my mind when I finally met my now-DH. (personal to me: affectionate, warm hands, kind eyes, kind, smiley, blue-collar but insightful, small town, at least tolerates country music, love the outdoors, etc.). I didn't tell him the list as we talked but he checked it all off and then some. I mean, literally before I met him I thought of an old flame in my old small town that I let go fresh out of high school because I moved to the city. I learned he was divorced and I couldn't stop thinking about him. HE was "the type" of man I wanted to meet. When I was drunk (in high school) I was coming on to him but he wouldn't have anything to do with it -- he kept me at bay and we cuddled because he didn't want to take advantage of me while I was drunk (it would have been our first time). I just remember that main trait about him after going out with a few men that clearly did not have such a trait. He also had those eyes that crinkle when he smiled and I had seen him just the year before - he was so warm and smiley with me, hugging me hello. Anyway, I didn't pursue him because I then met my now-DH and he was telling me about his old high school flame and the same thing happened to him and he reacted the same way. It was WILD. I mean it was that VERY story that had me looking at my old flame, you know? Obviously I like sex, but the fact that someone would not take advantage of someone spoke to me at that moment in my life. I didn't say anything about it before my nowDH told the story, but afterwards I did because it was such a significant "wow" moment. Everything with my DH has been like that, though. It's how I knew he was just "the one." And he is "the" one. Honestly, if something happened to him I don't see me going on to another relationship. I just don't see it. I would hang on to our memories so thankful I got to experience them and just be happy single - dating for affection if I was young enough and still wanted that, but I can't see me giving another all I give him again. Sorry, rambled. I just don't think "science" can explain what makes relationships thrive or fail but ultimately I think each couple needs to be good at being in a relationship. That takes inner work even if you are perfect for each other. Joy to read your post. Yes "SCIENTIFIC" - you know the modern psychology / psychiatric world sees the human being as essentially a "hydraulic system" (adjust chemicals to fit "normal" behavior etc.) and "OBJECTIVELY" looking at the human heart is just arrogance at best. In terms of psychologists I am a strong fan of Carl Jung - he was Freud's heir apparent but was banished when Jung stood up to Freud's theory of boiling human essence to fear of death and reproduction and boldly stood for the proposition that Life and the Human Experience is essentially mysterious at its unfathomable core. On the other hand - having some GUIDANCE and provoking thought and if the GOAL is to KNOW THYSELF - then I am all for it and worth it. Having some markers and focus points so that one can learn about who one really is can be extremely rewarding - I think that this is essence of Therapy if I am not mistaken and any soul searching whatever the method. What does "DH" Stand for by the way? |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 11, 2017 1:33:08 GMT -5
Hmm, Do not forget good old fashioned and often neglected INTUITION - doing a Mr. Spock analysis on logic and reason for a relationship - Hmm, not convinced.
Yes, the "Big Questions" (active alcholic/addict, violent, etc.) are important - though I would think these might come out in the "dating" process as pretty obvious.
I read some disaster stories about new loves and the "bad side" did not come out until after moving in together. So I think the best test is EXPERIENCE - say date for a few months or however long and then move in together and then the water will be really tested.
It is not the Lions and Tigers that kill but the mosquitos and the gnats and that would seem to unavoidably require moving in together in my mind to really get a full analysis - one only done by living it.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 11, 2017 9:03:16 GMT -5
McRoomMatelol... DH -- something one doesn't hear often in this forum means "Dear Husband".  Not said sarcastically in my case. haha.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 11, 2017 12:03:30 GMT -5
I have to wonder just exactly how and where that would plot on a binary graph. LOL bballgirl, you rock !!! Honestly the question means nothing. The true test is by performance. I've been with men that you can tell they don't truly enjoy eating pussy they just do it until I cum once then they are all about themselves. I want a man that gets off on pleasing a woman and hearing her moan and scream only feeds his ego and wants to continue. That's the way I give a blowjob with that philosophy, it's feeds me as much as you. However a lot of selfish people out there, it's tough to find someone nowadays to be compatible with and sex is just one aspect of course. Oh and thanks for the kind words! You're awesome too! I am going to have to figure out how to ask the reverse of that question. If I get out. I don't want to deal with this........ Again. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 11, 2017 14:18:33 GMT -5
McRoomMate lol... DH -- something one doesn't hear often in this forum means "Dear Husband". Not said sarcastically in my case. haha. DH = Dear Husband and DW = Dear Wife. Oh me oh My no nope not at all - small wonder I did not know what that meant. LMAO. Well very good of course to see you mean it. Really Wonderful surprise on these threads for sure. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 11, 2017 15:20:07 GMT -5
Honestly the question means nothing. The true test is by performance. I've been with men that you can tell they don't truly enjoy eating pussy they just do it until I cum once then they are all about themselves. I want a man that gets off on pleasing a woman and hearing her moan and scream only feeds his ego and wants to continue. That's the way I give a blowjob with that philosophy, it's feeds me as much as you. However a lot of selfish people out there, it's tough to find someone nowadays to be compatible with and sex is just one aspect of course. Oh and thanks for the kind words! You're awesome too! I am going to have to figure out how to ask the reverse of that question. If I get out. I don't want to deal with this........ Again. How's about when it gets flirty you ask Do you give a good blow job? Again the answer doesn't matter all in the performance however sometimes you can tell how honest they are if you ask why they enjoy giving a blow job? And their answer should include pleasure for both of you. She should get off hearing you moan and getting pleasure and that's an authentic answer. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 12, 2017 8:29:33 GMT -5
Any positive attribute, when taken to extreme, ends up as toxic. Mother grizzly bears are extremely compassionate toward their cubs, but will tear to pieces anything that approaches them, even by accident.
Most online dating applications have some kind of matching system. After answering some 800 questions about myself and my partner, I found I had a 98% match with a very beautiful woman and we ended up dating twice. Both were near disasters. I certainly recognized in her some familiar traits, but they were welded to an aggression level that went through the roof. It was hard to have a conversation with her because she kept racing toward taking offence. I saw a bit of what I might look like to others on my absolute worst days.
It's not wrong to consider what one wants. I don't think a $600 course is going to get you much more insight than filling out the free questionnaires on OKCupid. It's possible that an attractive woman who gets a hundred online introductions for every single one you get might find more value in the process of filtering like that, but in dating (at least in a metropolitan city) there is a massive amount of competition between men - even if the early dates are going well.
Likely best to fix on a few dealbreakers and leave room for surprises.
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Not said sarcastically in my case. haha. 
