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Post by iceman on Apr 10, 2017 8:18:16 GMT -5
My wife and I had a short, intense argument. It was one of those flash point things we frequently have whenever we talk about most anything. It started over nothing and quickly escalated to her declaring in effect that she just couldn't continue with our marriage in its current state. I replied 'Fine. If that's the way you feel do what you think you need to do' and walked away. Perhaps not the most constructive way to react I realize. I was expecting her to become quiet and silent as she usually does after we have these dust-ups. Given her state at the time I was thinking she had reached her breaking point and was ready to talk divorce. I know, I'm being cowardly for wanting her to make that move when I should have the balls to do it myself. However, she has actually been very pleasant to me. No sex or any kind of physical affection at all of course and we are still basically leading separate lives except for our kids but she seems much more relaxed than she has normally been in a long time. WTF is going on???
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 10, 2017 8:29:34 GMT -5
Maybe she's been worrying that you will start the D talk and now that you didn't respond to being 'pushed' by initiating that talk, she has a bigger comfort level that it's not going to happen? I don't know Iceman - it's this kind of crap that just messes with my head. Maybe there is no 'figuring out' and you just accept it as it is.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 10, 2017 8:33:30 GMT -5
Just a theory: you handed her the keys. By your comment, you have confirmed that SHE can do whatever she wants to about the relationship & that YOU will sit in the passenger seat, accommodating whatever HER decision is. Another theory: maybe she's waiting for a callback on a lawyer consult & is just "playing nice" until she has factual info. iceman - this state of affairs troubles me, on your behalf. We should each own our decisions. Do you wish to stay? Do you wish to split? Leaving your fate in the hands of another is disowning your authority in your own life. You get to author your life, & right now you are writing your character as a victim rather than a lead character. If you haven't sought a lawyer consult, I would do so. If nothing else, you would be already informed in the event that she files first. |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 10, 2017 8:37:13 GMT -5
Just a theory: you handed her the keys. By your comment, you have confirmed that SHE can do whatever she wants to about the relationship & that YOU will sit in the passenger seat, accommodating whatever HER decision is. Another theory: maybe she's waiting for a callback on a lawyer consult & is just "playing nice" until she has factual info. iceman - this state of affairs troubles me, on your behalf. We should each own our decisions. Do you wish to stay? Do you wish to split? Leaving your fate in the hands of another is disowning your authority in your own life. You get to author your life, & right now you are writing your character as a victim rather than a lead character. If you haven't sought a lawyer consult, I would do so. If nothing else, you would be already informed in the event that she files first. You star!! |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 10, 2017 9:07:45 GMT -5
I agree with everything GG said. Brilliant analogy and analysis.
However despite being the passenger in the car at some point the car stops and you can get out when it's good for you. As well there are so many cars out there and at some point you may look forward to being in a car by yourself. Maybe a fun sports car!
I agree with seeking legal counsel to get educated and know when it's the best time to exit the car.
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 10, 2017 9:23:11 GMT -5
I think I read somewhere that Lorena Bobbitt was nice to her H just before the carving tool came into play. I'd be sleeping with 1 eye open.
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Post by Dan on Apr 10, 2017 9:37:23 GMT -5
My wife and I had a short, intense argument. ... However, she has actually been very pleasant to me. No sex or any kind of physical affection at all of course and we are still basically leading separate lives except for our kids but she seems much more relaxed than she has normally been in a long time. WTF is going on??? Sounds entirely logical to me: she wants to be married with no intimacy. You told her to "do what you want"... and she has has achieved exactly what she wants! Why would she not be happy and act nice to you? NEXT TIME you want to blurt something like that out, say it this way: "You do what you want. And I'm going to do what I want." See if THAT gets her little gears turning. Lay the ground work for your own path, whether it be divorce, outsourcing, or just socializing more and more on your own and spending money how you want w/o consulting her. OK, that is just a fun thought experiment. If you said that, how do you think she'd react... and what -- honestly -- would you do differently? Here's my REAL question: WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO DO? If your intimate life is still salvageable, then why are you poking sticks at her? If it is not... why does it matter that she is happier doing in this arrangement? Just decide -- and act upon -- your next steps. (Isn't it better for her to be happier while you are working on your exit?) |
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Post by iceman on Apr 10, 2017 9:47:24 GMT -5
Just a theory: you handed her the keys. By your comment, you have confirmed that SHE can do whatever she wants to about the relationship & that YOU will sit in the passenger seat, accommodating whatever HER decision is. Another theory: maybe she's waiting for a callback on a lawyer consult & is just "playing nice" until she has factual info. iceman - this state of affairs troubles me, on your behalf. We should each own our decisions. Do you wish to stay? Do you wish to split? Leaving your fate in the hands of another is disowning your authority in your own life. You get to author your life, & right now you are writing your character as a victim rather than a lead character. If you haven't sought a lawyer consult, I would do so. If nothing else, you would be already informed in the event that she files first. I agree with everything you wrote. I guess the problem is that I truly don't know what I want to do. A huge part of me wants to split. I'm happier when she's not around. I can't envision growing old with her and spending the rest of my life with her, especially after all the kids are away on their own. That says a lot to me. But there's also the part of me that worries greatly that I would be making a mistake. Some of these feelings are caused by fear of the unknown and inertia. There's also the kid and financial concerns. I'll admit there is a certain appeal if she pulled the trigger and take the decision out of my hands. It would be a relief if I'm honest with myself. The first thing I thought was that I really need to get to a lawyer to find out my situation would be, especially if she's really going to act. I need to know in any case but I really don't want to be in the dark if she does pull the trigger first. |
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Post by iceman on Apr 10, 2017 9:49:52 GMT -5
I think I read somewhere that Lorena Bobbitt was nice to her H just before the carving tool came into play. I'd be sleeping with 1 eye open. I have been having those thoughts. Not the actual Bobbitt situation but that she's lulling me to sleep before she tries to cut my legal balls off. |
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Post by iceman on Apr 10, 2017 9:58:24 GMT -5
My wife and I had a short, intense argument. ... However, she has actually been very pleasant to me. No sex or any kind of physical affection at all of course and we are still basically leading separate lives except for our kids but she seems much more relaxed than she has normally been in a long time. WTF is going on??? Sounds entirely logical to me: she wants to be married with no intimacy. You told her to "do what you want"... and she has has achieved exactly what she wants! Why would she not be happy and act nice to you? NEXT TIME you want to blurt something like that out, say it this way: "You do what you want. And I'm going to do what I want." See if THAT gets her little gears turning. Lay the ground work for your own path, whether it be divorce, outsourcing, or just socializing more and more on your own and spending money how you want w/o consulting her. OK, that is just a fun thought experiment. If you said that, how do you think she'd react... and what -- honestly -- would you do differently? Here's my REAL question: WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO DO? If your intimate life is still salvageable, then why are you poking sticks at her? If it is not... why does it matter that she is happier doing in this arrangement? Just decide -- and act upon -- your next steps. (Isn't it better for her to be happier while you are working on your exit?) That would is a fun thought to see how she would react. What do I want her to do is the real question. If she suddenly became the wife I want and need would I be able to find feelings toward her again. I don't think so but I can't say for sure. If she did start divorce proceedings I wouldn't fight it and I'd be relieved. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 10, 2017 10:24:42 GMT -5
Speaking to an attorney, (more than one) will calm your fears. What has also been discussed on here is the irrelevancy of who filed first! Yet that is a typical playing card of a controller to try and use that against you. Let them, let them harbor in their mind that nothing can ever be "their fault, or responsibility". Their little fantasy will soon become that, "their little fantasy".
Here's another theory . Since you told her, "Fine. If that's the way you feel, you do what you think you need to do." Her manipulation had no affect on you. You said to her "I am detaching myself from your control." So she backed down for a moment. Only a moment!. You now need to take some actions? Start spending money on yourself, go places when you want, change some of the household rules to fit your liking. Start acting single.
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Post by csl on Apr 10, 2017 14:24:11 GMT -5
I'm happier when she's not around. The most telling line in your post. Maybe in the thread. Embracing a life of toxicity just because you're afraid? Not a good plan. |
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 10, 2017 14:48:48 GMT -5
Hi Iceman,
I read your first post as 'she's not happy and I'm not happy'
OK - so nobody's happy
I don't think speculation in situations like this is useful; I'd go as far as to say it's pointless.
At this point it's not up to your wife, she has her own motivations, her own position, her own goals etc.
The question is - what are yours?
Where are you going, what is your game plan, what do you want?
OK, so you don't know the answers to those questions right now - so that is where the focus of your energies must surely lie. However long it takes - a day, a week, a month etc - come up with an answer to that question. I would suggest that at that point your course of action for both of your sakes will become clear.
Bonne Chance, mon ami
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Post by baza on Apr 10, 2017 18:18:41 GMT -5
What your missus is doing ("tracking you" via your mobile phone, provoking pointless arguements, suddenly becoming "pleasant" toward you) are all sidebars to the main game here.
If you want this situation resolved, *you* have to drive the bus.
Alternatively, *you* may just take a seat on the bus, and hope that whatever route it takes goes somewhere near *your* preferred destination. Entrusting *your* future to random chance ain't much of a plan, as the bus may be going in the exact opposite way to where *you* hope.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 19:49:55 GMT -5
Heat of the moment reactions. We all do it. say things we don't mean. I don't know your history, but you did give her the freedom to do what she wants. Maybe that's all she needed to remove guilt she may be harboring? I don't know - all of this is coming out of the air and taking a shot based solely on your post.
I hope things work in your favor.
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