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Post by ted on Apr 8, 2017 21:03:27 GMT -5
I can identify with this line I read in an article:
I was that kind of lonely in my SM, and I'm that kind of lonely today, three years of separation later and not currently in a relationship. I'm using the time alone to find, enjoy, and improve myself. I do have some friends, and as hard as it is, I force myself to call them and schedule times to meet up. I love it when my kids are with me, which is, thankfully, a lot of the time. But still, I'd call myself lonely. I bet a lot of us would.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 8, 2017 21:26:07 GMT -5
I can identify with this line I read in an article: I was that kind of lonely in my SM, and I'm that kind of lonely today, three years of separation later and not currently in a relationship. I'm using the time alone to find, enjoy, and improve myself. I do have some friends, and as hard as it is, I force myself to call them and schedule times to meet up. I love it when my kids are with me, which is, thankfully, a lot of the time. But still, I'd call myself lonely. I bet a lot of us would. I hear you. I hope this will work to your satisfaction in time. I thought about this today. My wife and I are actually getting along ok, and I have never felt more lonely in my life. I don't actually have any friends, so no real safe place or activities outside my home. Turning this around will be a daunting task. If I may ask, even though lonely, are you happier now that you have separated? |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 8, 2017 23:08:20 GMT -5
It's horrible being in that position of loneliness. As you say, many of us have experienced/are experiencing that particular loneliness of being in a SM. We feel lonely because, ultimately, we long for connection and feel that basic human need isn't being met. I don't know if you have heard of her, but maybe check out Brene Brown (TED or youtube) - she talks about happiness , the need for connection and what hinders those things and brings it back to self-acceptance. Her views really helped me and they may help you too. Things will get better. They will. It's ok to acknowledge that you're feeling crappy now, but the loneliness will pass eventually. It really will.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 9, 2017 0:11:14 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of your loneliness.
Little piece of advice - which is of course easier said than done - is concentrate on being the BEST you that YOU can be.
Find your passion and pursue it whatever it is. Take real good care of yourself (exercise, eat, get looking good and healthy).
The secret is LIKE WILL ATTRACT LIKE. True one can fall in despair and then dangerous "coping mechanisms" can take over - like alcoholism, binge eating, etc.
Do not let yourself go into that but focus and go strong into the Sacred Path of Self Perfection. Then SHE may appear out of nowhere and behold Love will conquer All.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 13:35:39 GMT -5
Oh my goodness. You need to love yourself. Take yourself out to dinner! For a beer! Get OUT! Go shoot a bucket of balls at the driving range or hang out in a bar for a couple of hours with the regulars. At the very least, you'll find a friendly bartender to talk too.
Most importantly, love yourself. It's the best thing for you. It's the best thing for your kids too! I can't say enough about finding the right counselor. The right person will bring you out of your shell and back into the light. You sound depressed, and that's nothing to be taken lightly.
(((HUGS)))
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Post by ted on Apr 9, 2017 14:44:42 GMT -5
I thought about this today. My wife and I are actually getting along ok, and I have never felt more lonely in my life. I don't actually have any friends, so no real safe place or activities outside my home. Turning this around will be a daunting task. If I may ask, even though lonely, are you happier now that you have separated? Yes! Now there is hope. I'm sad you don't have friends or activities. I have to push myself to contact friends or family and get out of the house, but it pays off. I struggle with thinking nobody wants me around, but that doesn't seem to be the case in reality. |
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Post by ted on Apr 9, 2017 15:01:54 GMT -5
I don't know if you have heard of her, but maybe check out Brene Brown (TED or youtube) - she talks about happiness , the need for connection and what hinders those things and brings it back to self-acceptance. Her views really helped me and they may help you too. Yes, I'm 70% of the way through her book Daring Greatly (the audiobook, which is well-read). It's wonderful; I highly recommend it. I see she has many other books and a few popular talks. I'll be sure to check them out too. I didn't enter my SM with much acceptance of my self or the vulnerability to share that self with others, and the the SM certainly hasn't helped, but I'm working on it now. It was part of my role in the SM, a part I don't want to repeat. Thank you for the encouragement. |
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Post by ted on Apr 9, 2017 15:09:01 GMT -5
Thank you, McRoomMate . It brought tears to my eyes, reading you write those encouraging things specifically to me. |
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Post by ted on Apr 9, 2017 15:29:37 GMT -5
Oh my goodness. You need to love yourself. Take yourself out to dinner! For a beer! Get OUT! Go shoot a bucket of balls at the driving range or hang out in a bar for a couple of hours with the regulars. At the very least, you'll find a friendly bartender to talk too. Like I said upthread, I sometimes have trouble valuing myself enough to do things like that. Thank you for the reminder. The things you mention are right up my alley. Gosh, however do our self-worths get so trashed? It seems inhuman. I can't say enough about finding the right counselor. The right person will bring you out of your shell and back into the light. I'm taking special note of this, and that it stood out to me in another thread. I have a counselor that usually makes me feel worse. Perhaps I'm just a master of projection and it's not his fault, but my heart tells me I shouldn't be feeling that way about my counselor. It's scary to admit this, because now you all know that I should do something about it. Sometimes I think the same dynamics that kept me in my SM keep me in other bad relationships. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 20:07:36 GMT -5
I can't say enough about finding the right counselor. The right person will bring you out of your shell and back into the light. I'm taking special note of this, and that it stood out to me in another thread. I have a counselor that usually makes me feel worse. Perhaps I'm just a master of projection and it's not his fault, but my heart tells me I shouldn't be feeling that way about my counselor. It's scary to admit this, because now you all know that I should do something about it. Sometimes I think the same dynamics that kept me in my SM keep me in other bad relationships. Oh yes! You need to find the right person. When you hear it all stems from childhood - it's true, most of it did. As we grow and we learn our values from our parents, our peers, and our experiences, be they forced on us, or willingly accepted, something happened that's holding you back. The right counselor/therapist will help you dig deep and find the source. I read a GREAT book called "Having Sex, Wanting intimacy, Why women stay in one sided relationships". Granted it's aimed at women, but perhaps you can find something out there that addresses men and similar issues. Meditation and hypnosis are great tools as well. As I went through my counseling post-rape, I went to a therapist who is also licensed in hypnosis. She's freaking AMAZING and now hubs is seeing her. There are tons of meditation videos on youtube. Listen to a few if you can. Close your eyes, relax and let the words sink into your mind. Having someone speak to your self conscious to release blocks that have existed for decades awakens you to what s truly going on deep inside, and once you KNOW, you can manage them. I have Daddy issues. I know that. I love the attention I receive from men, and I'm okay with that. Recognizing your traits, feelings, triggers... It all reflects back to your self esteem and it's important to know you don't have to change them unless you WANT to. I recognize some of my daddy issues - such as, I would change my interests to "his" interests just to keep him around. My dad wasn't around, but I guess the psychology involved there is classic abandonment issues. Then I married a man who abandoned me physically and emotionally. In essence, I really did marry my father. Hubs and I have an open marriage ad when I started dating, I was able to recognize the unhealthy behaviors - the behaviors I wanted to change. Now I have a BF that is supportive, and attentive. I live as I want to. My kids come first, and I am doing my best to make sure they do not have these similar abandonment issues with their own father. Damn I need to blog about this. Can I quote you on my site? I won't use your user name... just refer to you as someone I was chatting with in an online forum. Would you mind? |
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Post by ted on Apr 9, 2017 23:10:28 GMT -5
Damn I need to blog about this. Can I quote you on my site? I won't use your user name... just refer to you as someone I was chatting with in an online forum. Would you mind? Not at all. Please drop a link here when you do; I'd love to read it. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 10, 2017 2:03:58 GMT -5
Hi Ted, here's a topic I can really understand. I'm still in a 'relationship', but I get all those feelings you are talking about. I've tried taking myself places, to events, or being away on a business trip, and I feel it even worse, because having people around who are interacting with each other, makes me feel like I want to join in, but cant. I feel awkward, like I shouldnt be there. I'm not sure I have great advice for you, as I am still in the same place. In fact I tried to use hobbies to distract me from it, and it has helped me make friends in that environment, but because I'm still living with my partner, they think everything is normal. At times I want to just blurt it all out and say what a crock of shit my life is, but I'm not sure they would understand. So I just carry on. Holidays are the worst actually, seeing people holding hands and kissing each other. Makes me sad, not jealous.
And then one day only a couple of weeks ago I found this site. And it has helped. And whats more, I have discovered, to my absolute disgust, that there are people on here living in a far worse world than I am. They have aggression, mind games, financial torture from their partners or ex's. Now dont get me wrong, I've lived with all those things over the last (almost 3 decades), but I've gained strength to deal with them better. Made me ill a couple of times along the way. So here I am, hi-jacking your thread. I'd buy you a beer if you lived next door !! Keep chatting along on here, its made me feel loads better, cant believe it wont help you too. Baby steps, thats what we need. Like Bill Murray in the film Groundhog day. Haha
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 10, 2017 2:53:30 GMT -5
Thank you, McRoomMate . It brought tears to my eyes, reading you write those encouraging things specifically to me. Well here is my experience. I was very lonely in an SM - we had sex so infrequently I cannot even tell you who was the Refuser and the Asker - it was that pathetic. So I started "outsourcing" - cheap thrills at best a "coping mechanism". BUT and it is a big but . . . I started training - did 10 km runs, little triathlons, worked on my spirituality, pursued things I was passionate about, spent quality time with my children, even in our long relationship, I already was a like a "Divorced Dad" doing all children stuff (except Christmas and birthdays) - ALONE with my children. Then ALL of a SUDDEN, I met a total stranger and now we are madly in love several months later. I got my heart broken from a cheating girlfriend many years ago and turned to alcohol and other forms of self-destruction that almost killed me. But I got the "GIFT of DESPERATION" as they say and chose a Spiritual Path - that is far far far from perfect, I got more skeletons in my closet than anybody, but I made progress sometimes very little sometimes backwards, but over time, yes. So dont give up. There is more than just "hope" much much more but it required for me to take ACTIONS not just dream about it. Well yes dream in the sense first the Vision and then pursue that vision whatever it is with the DOING. You are in the right place and so so much good advice here for both during and after SM experience. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 10, 2017 7:44:31 GMT -5
I hate crowds. They make my hyper-alertness to go into overdrive.
I have about 4 friends that I call close - ones that I can pick up a conversation from a year ago and feel like nothing has changed.
I am most fortunate to have what I have - but it is the quality of the friendships; not the quantity that drives away loneliness. You have to open the door and let them in. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 10, 2017 8:22:12 GMT -5
Loneliness, like depression, comes in many forms. Some times it's a "situational" type thing and other times it's inherently "who" a person is most of the time. Some of us are "prone" to feel it more than others and it takes real inner work to start to shake it off. For me, I feel more alone in a crowd of people than I ever do alone in the woods. In the woods I feel connected even though I am alone. It's a strange thing. Anyway -- it's one of those things one has to feel and work through to get through to the other side. I think it's always important to note that another person doesn't take away our loneliness, that's up to us. I have moments of it even while in my very happy marriage now. No one person can fill every void we may have. It's empowering to remember that because it's always up to us how we feel. It also frees "another" from the pressure of trying to be everything for us. The suggestions in this thread I totally align with as well. If what you long for is connection and intimacy definitely keep working at creating that, including with yourself. A long walk in the woods always fixes things for me too so I always have to suggest that one.  Be well... |
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