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Post by obobfla on Apr 7, 2017 21:54:05 GMT -5
Hate to bring up my troubles, but I had a different type of talk with my son this week. I had to let him know that his mom could die. It was hard for him, but he handled it as well as any 14-year-old could. My son has friends whose parents are divorced. They help him relate with their pain. But they still have both parents, and as far as I can tell their parents are very much involved in their lives.
If there is anything that makes my blood boil, it is a parent who uses his or her children as pawns in a battle with their ex. If you can let them know that both parents will be there for them and work with your ex to be good co-parents, then the kids will be fine. You may have had differences, but without your ex, you would not have those wonderful children. They need you to work together to raise them, even if you are no longer living together.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 7, 2017 22:40:20 GMT -5
So the talk is over. We went through a box of tissues. We anticipated most of the questions. We didn't anticipate some.
This was the first of many conversations.
Afterwards my wife talked to my 13 year old son. He doesn't understand how two people could drift apart. And without explaining SM to him it is impossible. Hopefully my wife can show that our feelings for him are unchanged and he will eventually understand. In the meantime he is looking at floor plans of his new room and playing Xbox.
My 16 year old daughter was surprised but even now I hear laughter from her bedroom as she does FaceTime with friends.
At the moment they appear resilient. They will be ups and downs I'm sure. I've just got to be there for them. I'll keep updating over the weekend.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 8, 2017 10:06:57 GMT -5
Well my wife wanted the story to tell the kids to be "we grew apart" but I think that even she is realizing that isn't going to be sufficient to for the kids.
The current explanation is that we really don't have anything in common anymore (true other than the kids, N address, and our families).
I think this is a more reasonable explanation. They sure as hell don't need to know about SM or anything else like that. But they also need more than "it just didn't work out and we don't want to involve you in out problems"
Not sure where the explanation ends up, but I'm gonna let her define how far it goes. I'm kind of guessing it maybe goes to "we don't have anything in common... And we don't really want to find anything in common." is where we eventually get to.
Works for me.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 8, 2017 10:50:09 GMT -5
And in order to shield you guys from it, that's why we try never to show you that we both aren't that happy with each other as H & W. we both love you two & love being your parents but the H & W part is very important & not where it needs to be for us to stay married. It's not a kid problem but a spousal one.
(In case any of this phrasing helps?)
They don't see the disconnect b/c you & W tried very hard to not let them see it. But you both, as adults, know it. And neither one wishes you weren't parents.
They may need to hear that they ARE the good parts that kept you two trying to work it out.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2017 11:12:35 GMT -5
"I'm going to let her decide how far it goes". Isn't that what defined this mess in the first place? Friend, that concerns me. Give yourself more confidence, and flexibility on how you handle it.
There are going to be questions, and problems that arise between you and your kids, concerning moms past, present, and future behavior. There will be be no "letting her decide" you will decide. You will put on your big boy underwear, and decide. Stick with the truth. Even when it means disclosing negatives about your STBX from past and present. For me it has opened up a doorway for my teens to say, "exactly, I don't want to be like that!!".
You can walk the fine line, swaying over the line from time to time. Be your true self.
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Post by waiting4what on Apr 9, 2017 0:00:49 GMT -5
We talked to our marriage counselor about how to have the talk with our kids. One of the things she suggested was that it was ok to tell them that some of our problems were private between the two of us, and we weren't going to go into the details with them. I think that kids wanting to know all about what went wrong is a kind of why-chasing - if they can understand it, maybe they can fix it. The ongoing conversations you'll have with them can help them understand that's not their responsibility.
Congratulations on taking these difficult first steps with grace. Almost 5 years after having that hard conversation with our kids, we're all doing alright. You'll get through it too!
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 10, 2017 6:36:31 GMT -5
Good luck on going back to work today! Hopefully you have others at work to relate too when needed. Work can give you self esteem, and take your mind off of the divorce for a while.
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 12, 2017 6:26:52 GMT -5
Well my wife wanted the story to tell the kids to be "we grew apart" but I think that even she is realizing that isn't going to be sufficient to for the kids. The current explanation is that we really don't have anything in common anymore (true other than the kids, N address, and our families). I think this is a more reasonable explanation. They sure as hell don't need to know about SM or anything else like that. But they also need more than "it just didn't work out and we don't want to involve you in out problems" Not sure where the explanation ends up, but I'm gonna let her define how far it goes. I'm kind of guessing it maybe goes to "we don't have anything in common... And we don't really want to find anything in common." is where we eventually get to. Works for me. Respect and appreciation for posting this - I am having THE REAL TALK next week (the "TALK" is with the W, but the one the "REAL TALK" that gets really Real as Real can get is with the children, I am now realizing). W is away on business and I have essentially moved all my stuff out of the house to my new apartment and she is back on Saturday - probably after Easter Sunday - my little girl is all excited for Egg Hunt etc. I too am going to let W take the lead. The risk is yes she can manipulate and twist - but since it was MY decision (and she has emphasized this ad nauseum), and she truly does have a stronger role with our children, I will respectfully defer to her lead or delegation back to me. I just do not want any yelling or blaming - I will be Peaceful and Serene on the outside. And I am already making extra efforts to let my children know I love them . . . and SHOWING it by my actions. Tough time for the children, well just my teenage son, my grown daughter from prior marriage knows, as does my 6 year old girl (Daddy is going to live in a little house and she said she will come to visit but not stay the night). All the best. Respect. |
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