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Post by obobfla on Apr 1, 2017 18:24:48 GMT -5
This whole experience with my wife's illnesses has changed how I view a marriage. When I looked at my wife on my wedding day, I saw the woman with whom I would have sex and raise kids. Never did I think that I would be responsible for her life. I looked forward to changing my children's diapers. I never thought I would have to help my wife in and out of Depends and wipe her off.
But that is what marriage is all about. The person you marry is the person who you trust with your life. So far, I have taken my wife to the emergency room four times in the past year. The year before, I needed her to take me twice. The first, a bug crawled in my earove and I was in excruciating pain. She wanted me to wait an hour until the walk-in doctors opened instead of going to the emergency room. The next, I thought I was having a mini-stroke. My wife thought it was nothing serious, so I had to call an ambulance for myself. I called 911 and said "TIA." Yes, I am still mad about that.
Right now, I am a mix of emotions, and the blender hasn't been turned off. I am sad for my wife, angry for what my marriage has become, calm because my wife is not here to stress me out, and nervous because her health is very much up in the air. I literally take it one day at a time, for I have no idea what tomorrow might hold. Today, she is in ICU. She had 600 ml drained from her lungs and breathing better. Next week, she has surgery on her heart valve. The doctors wanted to treat the cancer first, but the heart valve needs to be addressed first. Then she gets a mastectomy and more chemo. Each step depends on how strong she is to handle the treatment.
If I get married again, I will consider sexual attraction, but my main concern will be trust. Can my wife make the call that can save my life? Can I trust her judgement?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 2, 2017 19:18:57 GMT -5
What a bundle to handle. Stay in the moment.
Take self-care seriously.
I hope you feel the support from all of us.
Prayers/thoughts/good vibes to you, brother
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Post by nancyb on Apr 2, 2017 19:40:06 GMT -5
Obobfla: My thought are with you and your wife at this difficult time.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 2, 2017 21:26:25 GMT -5
I can only imagine what you are going through. It was hard enough working through similar issues with MIL a few years ago. All my best to you.
I also see your point about mixed emotions. I actually do trust my W to take care of me if something catastrophic were to happen. There is just no sex anymore, no passion - along with some personal anger and resentment. She has the relationship she wants.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 10:18:25 GMT -5
This whole experience with my wife's illnesses has changed how I view a marriage. When I looked at my wife on my wedding day, I saw the woman with whom I would have sex and raise kids. Never did I think that I would be responsible for her life. I looked forward to changing my children's diapers. I never thought I would have to help my wife in and out of Depends and wipe her off. But that is what marriage is all about. The person you marry is the person who you trust with your life. So far, I have taken my wife to the emergency room four times in the past year. The year before, I needed her to take me twice. The first, a bug crawled in my earove and I was in excruciating pain. She wanted me to wait an hour until the walk-in doctors opened instead of going to the emergency room. The next, I thought I was having a mini-stroke. My wife thought it was nothing serious, so I had to call an ambulance for myself. I called 911 and said "TIA." Yes, I am still mad about that. Right now, I am a mix of emotions, and the blender hasn't been turned off. I am sad for my wife, angry for what my marriage has become, calm because my wife is not here to stress me out, and nervous because her health is very much up in the air. I literally take it one day at a time, for I have no idea what tomorrow might hold. Today, she is in ICU. She had 600 ml drained from her lungs and breathing better. Next week, she has surgery on her heart valve. The doctors wanted to treat the cancer first, but the heart valve needs to be addressed first. Then she gets a mastectomy and more chemo. Each step depends on how strong she is to handle the treatment. If I get married again, I will consider sexual attraction, but my main concern will be trust. Can my wife make the call that can save my life? Can I trust her judgment? I know exactly what you mean. Once, we were at a minor league baseball game. I was feeling sick at my stomach, and went out to the car. I started vomiting and was incredibly weak. I called my W on her cell phone which she had forgotten. I was leaving messages begging her to come and take me home. I was in the parking lot vomiting for 3 hours while she enjoyed the baseball game. I was too weak to go in and talk to her. It never occurred to her to come out and check on me. When I asked her about it later, she became indignant and asked me if I really expected her to walk to the parking lot ALONE?!?! Oh yeah, we were with a group from church and I know of at least 10 people who would have walked out with her. The truth is, she just did not give a shit about me. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 3, 2017 12:09:03 GMT -5
I am glad you have this place to share your thoughts as you work through this very difficult time. I can imagine the emotions - so much to deal with. Yes, the "in sickness" part definitely plays a part in marriage and I agree with you on the trust factor. Sounds like she has a husband she can trust with her health and be there to take care of her. I am not much of a prayer - but sending healing thoughts for your wife and yourself. I want to say hang in there enclosed in a hug ((((hang in there)))) but that seems so superficial. It's the best the 'net can provide, I suppose. I also want to add that I hope you both find joys where you can, no matter how small or short lived.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 10:19:57 GMT -5
It's so, so hard. Serious health issues are possibly the worst thing that can happen to a couple. You start out getting into the relationship for *good* reasons - love, sex, a home together, kids if you want them.
The vows do say "in sickness and in health," but get real - nobody gets married so they'll have in-home nursing care and a chauffeur to doctor's appointments. At least, I hope not. Love and marriage should be about much more than securing health care!
And especially if the serious health problems start when you are relatively young - it would be perfectly natural to feel resentful, like you've been ripped off. If you're 75 years old and your spouse gets diagnosed with cancer after 50 years of marriage, that's one thing. But you're supposed to get the good years of love and, yes, sex, first.
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 7, 2017 6:01:23 GMT -5
obobfla I feel for you - I recently went through the same thing with my MIL and my dad. My advise for anyone is to have a "living will". Make your end of life desires known and appoint someone to follow through. I did not trust my W to make humane decisions about my end of life - I could see her keeping me alive at all costs (she had verbalized this as well). So I appointed my daughter (a nurse) to ensure my wishes were carried out.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 7, 2017 7:22:16 GMT -5
I am sorry you have to go through this. Big hug to you.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 7, 2017 10:11:03 GMT -5
Update: My wife has completed a living will, designating me as her health surrogate and her sister as a secondary. We had to have those tough conversations, but my wife is still able to make them.
Right now, my wife is in a tough place. The chemo lowered her resistance and gave her an infection much like a pneumonia, with fluid building up in her body making it difficult to breath. To top that off, the chemo weakened her heart as well. She is on a Lasik drip to get rid of the fluids, but her body is still weak. The doctor said that in order to get the strength to take further cancer treatments (mastectomy and lower doses of chemo), she will need a mitral valve in her heart replaced. However, the heart surgeon says that replacing the valve would require open heart surgery, and he feels she probably would not survive that.
So, we try to make her stronger for now. We are getting a second opinion about heart surgery. The choice now is to get the heart surgery and risk her dying on the operating table or in recovery, or letting her die in a matter of months with no surgery. Both paths are painful, although the first promises a longer life.
I am hanging in there, but I have to admit that it has not been very easy. Thanks to everyone who has sent me messages of support.
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