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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 3, 2017 7:53:03 GMT -5
I don't know if I actually disagree with McRoomMate or maybe I just don't "like" the idea even if it's true. My "shades of objection" are based around the recent Loverman & the current New Guy. I did "fall in love" with Loverman- despite that I knew he was not, at the time, interested in that particular experience. And it did serve up lessons - some bitter, some sweet, some mind-blowing orgasms that took me to wanting even more than I originally hoped for, some semi-codependent (that is, I still tolerated greater disrespect than I deserve or want in my life). It was not healthy but it was part of my experience that has helped me hone what I do want in the checklist. The New Guy, on the other hand, I am fond of. But he doesn't show a ton of zest to spend time with me really. He doesn't seem to want this FWB to grow more emotional & yet is not that great at showing lust either (except when we are actually in the throes & so contradictory behaviors are confusing me some). I could love him if I chose to. But he provides little to no motivation to do so. So I'm kinda writing off the possibility of that growing into anything deeper, I don't look for him to contact me, I don't plan to call him back, if I'm available when he perhaps does, well I'd like to have sex again & would try to communicate well enough that he knows we can hang out if sex is on the agenda but I'm not currently interested in hanging out without sex - not really, not at this stage. I don't believe in The One. There are a bajillion people that COULD light my fire. If those, a primary criteria is do I light theirs. Second & down the list are: do they already have a full interesting life & are self-supporting & more or less in the same range political social views, beliefs about human nature & the purpose of life. It will take a lot to get me to say I'm in love with someone & only one element of it is "that swoony feeling" that I associate with McRoomMate's description above. I dunno. I feel like it's a complex journey as opposed to a thing that just happens & "I'll know" - that sounds like magical thinking to me. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 3, 2017 8:05:00 GMT -5
I don't know if I actually disagree with McRoomMate or maybe I just don't "like" the idea even if it's true. My "shades of objection" are based around the recent Loverman & the current New Guy. I did "fall in love" with Loverman- despite that I knew he was not, at the time, interested in that particular experience. And it did serve up lessons - some bitter, some sweet, some mind-blowing orgasms that took me to wanting even more than I originally hoped for, some semi-codependent (that is, I still tolerated greater disrespect than I deserve or want in my life). It was not healthy but it was part of my experience that has helped me hone what I do want in the checklist. The New Guy, on the other hand, I am fond of. But he doesn't show a ton of zest to spend time with me really. He doesn't seem to want this FWB to grow more emotional & yet is not that great at showing lust either (except when we are actually in the throes & so contradictory behaviors are confusing me some). I could love him if I chose to. But he provides little to no motivation to do so. So I'm kinda writing off the possibility of that growing into anything deeper, I don't look for him to contact me, I don't plan to call him back, if I'm available when he perhaps does, well I'd like to have sex again & would try to communicate well enough that he knows we can hang out if sex is on the agenda but I'm not currently interested in hanging out without sex - not really, not at this stage. I don't believe in The One. There are a bajillion people that COULD light my fire. If those, a primary criteria is do I light theirs. Second & down the list are: do they already have a full interesting life & are self-supporting & more or less in the same range political social views, beliefs about human nature & the purpose of life. It will take a lot to get me to say I'm in love with someone & only one element of it is "that swoony feeling" that I associate with McRoomMate's description above. I dunno. I feel like it's a complex journey as opposed to a thing that just happens & "I'll know" - that sounds like magical thinking to me. Damn good insight that you BOTH need to light each other's fire. After 20 years of rubbing wet sticks together in a vain effort to kindle my STBX being with someone who digs me as much as I dig her should just be a duh by this point. Perhaps I'm just a slow learner. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 3, 2017 8:21:45 GMT -5
I don't know if I actually disagree with McRoomMate or maybe I just don't "like" the idea even if it's true. My "shades of objection" are based around the recent Loverman & the current New Guy. I did "fall in love" with Loverman- despite that I knew he was not, at the time, interested in that particular experience. And it did serve up lessons - some bitter, some sweet, some mind-blowing orgasms that took me to wanting even more than I originally hoped for, some semi-codependent (that is, I still tolerated greater disrespect than I deserve or want in my life). It was not healthy but it was part of my experience that has helped me hone what I do want in the checklist. The New Guy, on the other hand, I am fond of. But he doesn't show a ton of zest to spend time with me really. He doesn't seem to want this FWB to grow more emotional & yet is not that great at showing lust either (except when we are actually in the throes & so contradictory behaviors are confusing me some). I could love him if I chose to. But he provides little to no motivation to do so. So I'm kinda writing off the possibility of that growing into anything deeper, I don't look for him to contact me, I don't plan to call him back, if I'm available when he perhaps does, well I'd like to have sex again & would try to communicate well enough that he knows we can hang out if sex is on the agenda but I'm not currently interested in hanging out without sex - not really, not at this stage. I don't believe in The One. There are a bajillion people that COULD light my fire. If those, a primary criteria is do I light theirs. Second & down the list are: do they already have a full interesting life & are self-supporting & more or less in the same range political social views, beliefs about human nature & the purpose of life. It will take a lot to get me to say I'm in love with someone & only one element of it is "that swoony feeling" that I associate with McRoomMate's description above. I dunno. I feel like it's a complex journey as opposed to a thing that just happens & "I'll know" - that sounds like magical thinking to me. Damn good insight that you BOTH need to light each other's fire. After 20 years of rubbing wet sticks together in a vain effort to kindle my STBX being with someone who digs me as much as I dig her should just be a duh by this point. Perhaps I'm just a slow learner. Me - I'm a slow learner AND a quick forgetter. I need a lot of repetition. But I am working on it & I do see progress. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 3, 2017 8:39:13 GMT -5
I don't know if I actually disagree with McRoomMate or maybe I just don't "like" the idea even if it's true. My "shades of objection" are based around the recent Loverman & the current New Guy. I did "fall in love" with Loverman- despite that I knew he was not, at the time, interested in that particular experience. And it did serve up lessons - some bitter, some sweet, some mind-blowing orgasms that took me to wanting even more than I originally hoped for, some semi-codependent (that is, I still tolerated greater disrespect than I deserve or want in my life). It was not healthy but it was part of my experience that has helped me hone what I do want in the checklist. The New Guy, on the other hand, I am fond of. But he doesn't show a ton of zest to spend time with me really. He doesn't seem to want this FWB to grow more emotional & yet is not that great at showing lust either (except when we are actually in the throes & so contradictory behaviors are confusing me some). I could love him if I chose to. But he provides little to no motivation to do so. So I'm kinda writing off the possibility of that growing into anything deeper, I don't look for him to contact me, I don't plan to call him back, if I'm available when he perhaps does, well I'd like to have sex again & would try to communicate well enough that he knows we can hang out if sex is on the agenda but I'm not currently interested in hanging out without sex - not really, not at this stage. I don't believe in The One. There are a bajillion people that COULD light my fire. If those, a primary criteria is do I light theirs. Second & down the list are: do they already have a full interesting life & are self-supporting & more or less in the same range political social views, beliefs about human nature & the purpose of life. It will take a lot to get me to say I'm in love with someone & only one element of it is "that swoony feeling" that I associate with McRoomMate 's description above. I dunno. I feel like it's a complex journey as opposed to a thing that just happens & "I'll know" - that sounds like magical thinking to me. All very valid points @geekgoddess - I was a bit sloppy with my prior comment. First "The One" - well no of course not - there should be a pool of ideal partners out there but just at the right time and conditions - well it can be pretty rare and precious when found. I mean the following: 1. LOVE - Yes, I would think falling madly in love as the blast or bonding to get things going. 2. MUTUAL INTERESTS etc. - Yes there has to be stability (or whatever it is each partner is seeking) there has to be matching interests - offsetting or complimentary, 3. WILLINGNESS - BOTH and ONLY BOTH must be totally dedicated and into it. Oh I could go on and on - there are so many many factors - but still I think the MOST IMPORTANT is the LOVE / MAGNETIC CHEMISTRY that just rockets - but of course if it is next someone with massive problems or unable to contribute further - yes sadly it will die a natural death or turn into something painful over time. That's my three cents on elaborating an infinitely complex topic . . . |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 13:21:29 GMT -5
Complicating matters are the messages we all hear growing up:
"You can't base a marriage only on sex."
"Sex isn't the most important thing."
Etc., to the point where you would almost suspect we are being taught to look for a serious partner for everything *except* sex.
Before things went south for me and Mr. Kat, we were so, so lucky - we had the sex, the romance, the compatibility, similar values, similar interests, on the same wavelength mentally, etc.
That makes it hard to settle for less.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 3, 2017 13:32:00 GMT -5
He wasn't the one. Maybe you don't even need "the one" in your life at this point and that's perfectly okay. Sounds like you know that very much about yourself. So, you will meet others able to share your honesty and what you DO want - they can decide if they date you knowing that truth. What kind of relationship do you want - I can tell you what I think relationships mean and are, but we each get to define that for ourselves. Maybe you WILL find a man who wants a committed relationship with you that doesn't lead to living together. I can say that is impossible, but it's not if that is what YOU want and create for yourself.  That's the beauty of life. Never settle. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 3, 2017 14:58:26 GMT -5
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 3, 2017 15:34:56 GMT -5
Complicating matters are the messages we all hear growing up: "You can't base a marriage only on sex." "Sex isn't the most important thing." Etc., to the point where you would almost suspect we are being taught to look for a serious partner for everything *except* sex. Before things went south for me and Mr. Kat, we were so, so lucky - we had the sex, the romance, the compatibility, similar values, similar interests, on the same wavelength mentally, etc. That makes it hard to settle for less. Oh Lord have mercy - Please do NOT settle for less. If I am with someone and I am "settling for less" and I even consciously know this. Oh I would need to be drunk all the time to deal with that. In fact I was, I was basically partying way too hard about say 20 years ago and the SEX was fantastic but I was too drunk most of the time to notice everything else was not so good. I am speaking of my first wife. Well I got thru schoool, got a job pretty much sobered up and oh she was a big big mistake but we had a child together. Pure misery. I guess it is called "DATING" and yes it used to apply to High School but now WE are all grown up and older so I guess it applies to us too. So easy to say have Patience. Well "work on yourself" - I hate celebrity gossip but I confess I am following the Brad-Angelina divorce - he is exercising and working on himself to get thru this. I think the best thing to DO and oh yes easier said than done is is for Me to be the best me I possibly can - and then sooner or later "The One" (yes I know there are many "The Ones" but they are still very rare to find) will show up and Cupid will shoot his arrow (again). |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 3, 2017 15:56:19 GMT -5
Hell yes - to both the article and the video. Great stuff, there! On who would still be in my life if I hit the jackpot - beyond some family (middle stepdaughter & her crew, older stepdaughter, 3 of 4 brothers) - of my friends, the program fellows from my support group would mostly stay. I don't have a romantic option open at this point, but I'm ok with that, actually. At least today, that isn't bugging me at all. I like the thought experiment in the article! And I totally agree with the video's points! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2017 16:37:34 GMT -5
Well, never say never. I'm not totally opposed to sharing a residence with my man again. But it would have to be somebody I really want. Somebody I would pick, if he would have me.
I guess what I really mean is - I'd prefer to have a man in my life, but it's not the end of the world if I don't. I can always read and sleep more. Maybe I'll even write a book, ha ha.
In fact this recent situation could give me a good question to ask myself about future men:
If I had to either get back with my ex, or get serious with the new guy - which would I prefer?
If the answer is, "Get back with my ex," I should end things with the new guy - like, yesterday!
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 3, 2017 16:39:49 GMT -5
Hell yes - to both the article and the video. Great stuff, there! On who would still be in my life if I hit the jackpot - beyond some family (middle stepdaughter & her crew, older stepdaughter, 3 of 4 brothers) - of my friends, the program fellows from my support group would mostly stay. I don't have a romantic option open at this point, but I'm ok with that, actually. At least today, that isn't bugging me at all. I like the thought experiment in the article! And I totally agree with the video's points! Excellent Article - I will keep it in my pocket (If I won 128 Million Dollars who do I want in my life) The VIDEO is good too - I will keep this also in my pocket 1. SENSE of HUMOR 2. LOW MAINTENANCE 3. INDEPENDENT 4. INTIMATE CHEMISTRY (Never heard it put like that before - very well described). 5. BASIC CHEMISTRY Oh this is very simple and a damn good test. I got it memorized. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 17, 2017 20:02:51 GMT -5
In a perfect world I would live in a nice condo in the city. My sexy lover would live somewhere nearby, but far enough away that we don't go to the same grocery store. I would have my space. He would have his. We could take turns staying over, but maybe not exchange keys.
Yes. I get it.
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Post by solodriver on Apr 17, 2017 20:44:40 GMT -5
I would like to keep my sexy lover and I living in separate residences and occasionally spend the night together. We would enjoy dating and spending time together but would keep our residences and finances separate.
I think I just repeated you Rhapsodee. Sorry. |
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That's the beauty of life. Never settle. 
