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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2017 16:24:36 GMT -5
I broke up with the man I had been dating.
Because he hit all the checkboxes (employed, educated, would not be embarrassed to introduce him to family, kind-hearted, common interests, etc.) - and because he was extremely persistent - this was so hard for me to do.
I think part of my problem has been not believing that what I want really matters. How dare I break up with a perfectly good guy, just because I don't have the right kind of feelings about him?
As some of you know, I've been struggling with this for a couple of months. It's hard for me to do things that will hurt somebody's feelings.
And, there is the possibility that no man will ever want me again.
But, I've lived alone for about 2 years now, and I like living alone. I get so much more peace and quiet and downtime, than I did when I lived with Mr. Kat.
So, I may not even *want* to remarry or move in with a man again. I do want a man in my life - a lover, a friend, and all the things couples have together. But since I don't necessarily want to live in the same residence, that makes things a little different. I'm not looking for the house in the suburbs with the picket fence. I guess I need to find words to express what I am looking for.
I'm sorry I can't be in a relationship with this man, but I just can't do it. And I feel bad for hurting him - what helps me is knowing that it probably would have ended up hurting him worse, if we had stayed dating longer or if things had gotten deeper.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 1, 2017 16:58:23 GMT -5
Sorry about the breakup @smartkat, but this is probably for the best. It might be a little too much too fast. Unfortunately, circumstances prevent me from getting up your way, so I can't replace him as your date tonight  But if the experience that I am going through has taught me anything, it is not to think too far into the future, even more than a week. My emotions can only handle today. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 1, 2017 17:05:31 GMT -5
I'm proud of you for honoring your own ACTUAL preference & not bowing to someone else's idea of a suitable mate. You didn't leave Mr Kat just to "settle" for checkbox-filling. Follow your heart - your inner spirit deserves it!
I'm sorry it was hard to do but all the prouder that you are learning to be true to yourself in spite of it possibly making someone else the least bit uncomfortable. You will find someone who has the zest you seek, someone who lights your fire AND hits many or most of the checkboxes. I believe you will.
I am so glad you did what you felt was best for you!
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 1, 2017 18:08:22 GMT -5
Mind if I take a stab at this? I'm probably echoing many of my same fears and concerns. So...I'll refer to myself.
Do I want a house, yard, picket fence, dog, kids playing in the street next door. Yes.
Do I want a woman to go to bed with me late at night after a passionate night on the screened in back porch? Yes.
Do I want a woman to wake up with in the morning , share a shower together, and compliment each other with words of praise and affection and we both do acts of service for each other? yes.
Do I have fears that if we go to church together, sit together, introduce her to other families, that I will begin to feel controlled? Yes.
Do I have fears that she might start wanting to control, "our money" and my spending? Yes.
Do I fear that I will slip back into my "happy wife happy life syndrome?" Yes.
__________________________________________________________________________________________.
Do I want to live in a two bedroom apt, free to take a long weekend, travel any where I want? Yes.
Do I think about being able to see more than one woman at a time? Ye.
Do I want to be able to have my place as loud, or quite as I want? As spotless, or as dirty as I want? Yes.
Do I have fears that my woman friend will be seeing other people? Yes.
Do I have fears that my woman friend will always remain independent, and treat me as an object? Yes.
Pretty confusing stuff, isn't it? The list could go on and on!
I'm going to need an after divorce support group!! (hope that's close to what your going through)
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 1, 2017 19:55:21 GMT -5
The real trick for us(escapees from a S/M) is not simply to know what we don't want in a partner or love interest, but to sort out what it is we do want. Being able to vocalize or put into words exactly what it is you need in a male would be a good start toward honing in on the next Mr. Kat.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 1, 2017 22:49:37 GMT -5
@smartkat congratulations - your feelings are important! You are an incredibly smart, wise, independent and passionate woman, and if the last couple of years are teaching you anything it is to follow your heart. I have a strong suspicion that as you start feeling more and more comfortable doing that you are going to be a force to be reckoned with.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 2, 2017 10:19:53 GMT -5
My signature line on every post contains Sham's Law #1 (there are like 200 of them)
Everything in life is simple. First figure out what you want, second figure out how to do it, third, do it.
Of course the first step is hardest. I think @smartkat that you have figured out some things you want and some things you don't want.
But the problem as GC said is that they often collide. In my experience when this happens you need to make sure that what you want is what YOU want and not what you are SUPPOSED to want. Getting rid of the latter often chops down the list to what is truly important to you.
That makes the job much easier. Then you just need to figure out how to do it then do it.
At least that works for the ol Shamma Lamma Ding Dong
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 2, 2017 10:29:10 GMT -5
@smartkat
Good for you honey!! Stay true to yourself and what you want for yourself.
There have been nice men that I have met but I wasn't attracted to them and I cut them loose pretty quick. There was one man I went out with in November and we had sex a few times, went out, but I wasn't attracted to him so I told him I didn't think we were a match and good luck finding what he is looking for. I actually felt like and feared I would become a refuser with him and I know better. He texted me yesterday and a few weeks ago but I didn't respond. No point.
I think living in the day is great advice. Date men and have fun. Keep expectations low for it turning into something meaningful because they usually don't. Friday night I went to a great dinner then a comedy show, had a passionate kiss in the parking garage. Will I be talking to this man next month? Who knows! But I had so much fun. Last night I met FWB at a hotel and spent the night together and this morning I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch. So it's a great weekend, kids free and focusing on my enjoyment.
I know you won't but never settle just to have a man in your life.
You have YOU in your life and if the right one comes along great but until then just enjoy Mr. Right Now. Have fun that's what life is about!
Hugs
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Post by shamwow on Apr 2, 2017 11:22:24 GMT -5
@smartkat Good for you honey!! Stay true to yourself and what you want for yourself. There have been nice men that I have met but I wasn't attracted to them and I cut them loose pretty quick. There was one man I went out with in November and we had sex a few times, went out, but I wasn't attracted to him so I told him I didn't think we were a match and good luck finding what he is looking for. I actually felt like and feared I would become a refuser with him and I know better. He texted me yesterday and a few weeks ago but I didn't respond. No point. I think living in the day is great advice. Date men and have fun. Keep expectations low for it turning into something meaningful because they usually don't. Friday night I went to a great dinner then a comedy show, had a passionate kiss in the parking garage. Will I be talking to this man next month? Who knows! But I had so much fun. Last night I met FWB at a hotel and spent the night together and this morning I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch. So it's a great weekend, kids free and focusing on my enjoyment. I know you won't but never settle just to have a man in your life. You have YOU in your life and if the right one comes along great but until then just enjoy Mr. Right Now. Have fun that's what life is about! Hugs Not only yes, but FUCK yes! Got to live in this moment since never get it back. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 11:34:04 GMT -5
I feel more relieved than anything else. I'm disappointed that it didn't work out - I'd love it if some man and I could mutually have the right feelings about each other. But it just didn't happen for me, and I wasn't able to force myself. I would rather get back with Mr. Kat than get more serious with this guy. And I wasn't happy with the last couple of years of my life with Mr. Kat.
Anyway, like I said - I know I probably would have hurt him sooner or later. Better six months of dating than 10 years of marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2017 16:30:23 GMT -5
Congratulations on making a good decision smartkat. I think your situation with your boyfriend can be distilled down to being secure and comfortable. These two concepts of security and comfort are what got many us into a SM situation and kept us there.
If I left my current marriage, I've thought about how I would approach dating or even remarrying. I decided that I would want to be with a person for a good 2-3 years before even thinking about marriage.
I'm not selling myself short again for comfort and security.
Keep strong and know that you've grown and are not accepting just security and comfort.
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Post by nancyb on Apr 2, 2017 17:05:20 GMT -5
SmartKat: Good for you for having the courage to follow your heart. I understand completely about not wanting the picket fence. I've decided that I will invite a man into my bed but not to live in my home. I need my own space. I want a part time lover. I do not see myself ever marrying again.
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Post by TMD on Apr 2, 2017 17:06:01 GMT -5
I admire you for honouring your needs. Hope today hurts a little bit less.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 3, 2017 1:01:12 GMT -5
The thing that gets me here - and I am referring mostly to my own, long ago, experiences: why and how is it that we meet someone who theoretically ticks all the boxes - and we're not attracted to them. There were several women in my long distant past who were probably perfectly capable of maintaining a sane long lasting relationship with me, and who were clearly interested, but I didn't get involved beyond "just friends". And then proceeded to get involved with someone who ended up hurting me. Maybe it was just shitty luck. Maybe "the heart" is an idiot and wants something that does not actually co-incide with what we need to meet our needs. ... that old thing about needs and wants. I'm throwing this out as questions. I have no answers. But I can really relate to: I'd love for my lover to live a mile down the road in their own place -- even if one of us is sleeping in the other one's bed nearly every night. Space is precious. But then, so is a nude hug with a warm body.  !? |
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Post by McRoomMate on Apr 3, 2017 4:58:52 GMT -5
I feel more relieved than anything else. I'm disappointed that it didn't work out - I'd love it if some man and I could mutually have the right feelings about each other. But it just didn't happen for me, and I wasn't able to force myself. I would rather get back with Mr. Kat than get more serious with this guy. And I wasn't happy with the last couple of years of my life with Mr. Kat. Anyway, like I said - I know I probably would have hurt him sooner or later. Better six months of dating than 10 years of marriage. Bingo - the ONLY THING that counts is the FEELINGS - Checking the boxes and running a mathematical computer - only if your name is "Ms. Spock." Here is my "three cents" - You will KNOW it and it will be UNDENIABLE when it happens. Yes, call me an old fashioned hopeless Romantic but you will FALL IN LOVE and then nothing will be able to stop you. I am speaking from experience - true each of us are different - I am sure not all are hopeless romantics. About the only thing I believe in for sure is LOVE - mady crazy love or as they say over here in Europe the "Big Love". Proud of you for listening to your HEART - it is something I neglected for over a decade. I will not make that mistake again. |
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But if the experience that I am going through has taught me anything, it is not to think too far into the future, even more than a week. My emotions can only handle today. 
!?
