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Post by dinnaken on Apr 1, 2017 5:00:16 GMT -5
Ey up,
I'm sorry to hear of the horrible time you've had but glad that you've found this group where you can talk freely, share and get support. Like you I'm a Brit. I'm 58 and have had no intimacy of any kind for 14 years.
I absolutely agree with your comment on behaviour - we can only control our own.
I found (as so many do) this situation can be very isolating & undermining but there are things you can do to start rebuilding self-respect & self-esteem and you'll only find encouragement here.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 1, 2017 9:30:45 GMT -5
thanks smartkat and dinnaken, it has already given me a boost finding so many people of both sexes living like this. Sad that we do so just the same. I used to ask for sex, and be rewarded with a single go every so often. I read maybe 20 some years ago that this can be a temporary glitch in the libido. I hoped for probably 10 years that the urge would return (for her not me !) but I was wrong. I stopped asking after it was made crystal clear that I was not 'fanciable' or 'sexual'. That was 10 years ago now. I've tried to analyse the relationship as siblings these days, it obviously makes her feel quite happy, but for me I have felt time is ticking past in a life I dont enjoy, as I like tactile 'touch and feel' behaviour, all seems a bit pointless without that. So I need to gain the self-respect and self-esteem just as you say. Hard though isnt it. I work on my own as well, so hence the lonely feelings and screen name. Anyway, thanks again :-)
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Post by petrushka on Apr 3, 2017 23:22:33 GMT -5
nolongerlonely just don't take the words literally: this is merely yet another refuser strategy. They tell you they have a headache. They tell you that the mother in law is sleeping in the next room and they can't get into it. They tell you that your lovehandles are putting them off. They tell you that they feel they are no longer attractive and that's putting them off. They tell you that you didn't do the dishes last week and that's why. They tell you it's because they didn't get the red sneakers for their last birthday that they were hoping for (but never even told you about because you're supposed to read their mind). They tell you that the sky is blue and that's why they can't have sex with you. If the refuser is an abuser also, they will try to actively make you feel bad about yourself, so you lose the confidence asking them about anything, for anything. They criticize you mercilessly, they run you down in front of others or the kids, nothing is ever good enough ...... Don't listen to the words. The words are bullshit. It doesn't matter what the words say: the actions are what conveys the message and the message is "I can't fucking be fucked to fuck you". (borrowing from Monty Python here). The upshot is: this person does not concern themselves with your wants and needs, they want to keep you around, as an ATM, as a changer of lightbulbs and tap washers, as a sounding board for the latest gossip (if you're lucky), but they don't really want to engage with you, as YOU. I was in that boat 8 years ago. I managed to rattle my wife enough so she started taking notice. The abuse, for the most part, stopped -- it was just kind of preemptive defense. She seeks me out now, she cuddles into me from time to time, she will hold my hand and snuggle up to me in public. --- and I am still not getting any sex. She's not into sex "any more" (I think she never really was into it, at the bottom of her heart). So, I can tell you one thing from this (my) experience: hope is the enemy. Do not hope things will improve. That's what I did for the first 9 years of the marriage and all that happened was that the abusive behaviour got worse and worse. Until I sat her down and told her that neither my needs nor my wants were getting any fulfilment and why was I still here? If you can change things, good. But you can't change the other person. You have to come to the realization that you will have to take responsibility for your own happiness. I now get as much intimacy as my wife can manage, in a non-sexual but pretty affectionate way. She also expresses appreciation. Can't expect a tortoise to fly.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 4, 2017 3:09:49 GMT -5
thank you petrushka, that all makes complete sense. I've had all of those techniques applied to me over the years, its very effective in washing away confidence towards pretty much everything. I've had a dose of physical abuse too, nothing too severe, but actual nonetheless. I dont think she was ever really 'into it' either, was all a front, and as soon as the ring went on the finger, everything changed. Things have been a little better for the last year or so, as I have begun to stand up to the bullshit, but its so repetitive at times, easy to slip backwards. Sadly for our relationship, I just dont fancy her any more, I've had all the admiration and desire for her form washed out of me. I've been trying to find the strength to make change, but thats a fairly tough step as well. Its the thought of starting over that scares me lately. I'm very grateful for your thoughts though, they mirror my experiences fairly accurately. I will hang on to Monty Python's comments as well !
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Hello
Apr 18, 2017 14:08:42 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by merrygoround on Apr 18, 2017 14:08:42 GMT -5
Hi Lonely just wanted to say i hear you loud and clear. And you're not alone here.
Just a question - do you have anyone on the outside to talk to? My parents just didn't get it for so long - although my friends knew and didn't understand it. After showing them some of the posts here, they have completely turned around. They know i have a difficult decision to make, but had seen that it's not me - they hear me now and just want me to be happy. As they said, something has to be done either way. Life is short and you cannot spend another 20 years like this.
Best wishes to you.
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Hello
Apr 18, 2017 16:24:25 GMT -5
Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 18, 2017 16:24:25 GMT -5
Hi merrygoround. Sadly no, I dont have anyone to talk to, although have chatted to a couple of people here which helps.
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