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Post by nolongerlonely on Mar 30, 2017 8:32:02 GMT -5
I'm new here found the forum by pure chance and thought it might help to talk to people in the same boat. I'm 53, male, I've been married for 28 years, we were dating for a year beforehand, so it was quite a whirlwind. I fell deeply in love and enjoyed starting a life of togetherness, following quite a lonely childhood and loss of one parent at quite a young age. Sex was great until we were married, then it fell by the wayside, not my wish or doing, she just seemed less and less interested. We started a family quite early but even that was timed for minimal sex in favour of fertility dates. I realised things werent right about 3 years into being a parent, and have just got worse since. About 10 years ago, I asked why there seemed to be no urge or desire from her side, and was told I am unattractive, non-sexual, whatever that means. We had various arguments on the subject, especially when I was present in a conversation with now teenage children and discussing the concept of 'not getting any' and not accepting it. Seemed like complete hypocracy to me, so more discussion. She offered to go together for counselling but it never happened, far easier to sweep it under the carpet. Its been roughly 10 years since I had any sort of intimacy. I've lost most if not all of my confidence, have thought about an affair but its not really me, I've even thought about purchasing affection, but I cant get excited about not being 'wanted'. Thats the worst part. I've become extremely lonely and very lost in recent months/years. Especially dislike beach holidays watching couples kiss and hold hands. I am not even a jealous type. I'm hoping I might find some people to share or discuss it all with and at least improve my esteem. I feel I should start again, but I've left it a bit late and am scared to be even more lonely than I am already. Thanks for reading. P
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 30, 2017 8:57:14 GMT -5
Hey, nolongerlonely - you found the right place. You will find stories similar & different here, from both genders. 53 ain't old, btw. No matter what level your self-esteem is, every human being has innate dignity & deserves to find happiness. Read up on the forum & you'll find it comes down to making a choice & owning it. One of the first steps is to actually educate yourself on what leaving would look like legally. Seek a free consult with a lawyer to find out. You do not need to act on the knowledge, but should have the info. Getting your own counseling would be a great step too. There are posts on picking the right therapist (check the Resources portion). Whatever you do, make it of your own volition- choosing to stay is totally valid, but it IS a choice & not something that just happened to you. You aren't a victim, so don't play one in real life. We are a very supportive group, with the straightest talk that you'll find on this subject. Everyone gets to choose how they live their life. Each choice has a cost. But owning the choice is where it's at. Welcome to the group none of us hoped to join. Glad you found us! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 9:56:10 GMT -5
About 10 years ago, I asked why there seemed to be no urge or desire from her side, and was told I am unattractive, non-sexual, whatever that means. Wow! What an incredibly rude thing to say! Welcome and you will find a huge amount of comfort and support here. Many of us have been or still are in similar situations. I am 52, and left a 28 year marriage that was totally sexless for the last 6 yrs. I am in the process of divorce. It took me a long time to stop trying to understand her abusive behavior and start asking why I was accepting it. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Mar 30, 2017 10:30:15 GMT -5
thanks very much ! I agree, it was an extremely hurtful and I believe also untrue statement, however it did stop me very much in my tracks and cause much soul searching at the time. Probably 5 years ago, I actually do feel the desire now to move on, but its a tough call for someone lacking in confidence, and having suffered alot of verbal abuse just as you say
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Post by nolongerlonely on Mar 30, 2017 10:37:16 GMT -5
And thanks too Geek Goddess :-) I think I am nearer ownership of those feelings now than ever before, but setbacks still happen. Tried talking to my physician about it a few years ago and was no help at all. Do you know, I found this forum by complete chance today. Something really got me going last night in fact,last night was yet another reminder that its really time to do something 'pro-active' towards change. I stumbled upon this site as a result and here I am. I'm very glad I did
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2017 11:27:24 GMT -5
thanks very much ! I agree, it was an extremely hurtful and I believe also untrue statement, however it did stop me very much in my tracks and cause much soul searching at the time. Probably 5 years ago, I actually do feel the desire now to move on, but its a tough call for someone lacking in confidence, and having suffered alot of verbal abuse just as you say Yes, this kind of thing is devastating on your self-esteem. Please start to take care of yourself. No one deserves to be treated this way. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Mar 30, 2017 18:59:02 GMT -5
I'm new here found the forum by pure chance and thought it might help to talk to people in the same boat. I'm 53, male, I've been married for 25 years, we were dating for a year beforehand, so it was quite a whirlwind. I fell deeply in love and enjoyed starting a life of togetherness, following quite a lonely childhood and loss of one parent at quite a young age. Sex was great until we were married, then it fell by the wayside, not my wish or doing, she just seemed less and less interested. We started a family quite early but even that was timed for minimal sex in favour of fertility dates. I realised things werent right about 3 years into being a parent, and have just got worse since. About 10 years ago, I asked why there seemed to be no urge or desire from her side, and was told I am unattractive, non-sexual, whatever that means. We had various arguments on the subject, especially when I was present in a conversation with now teenage children and discussing the concept of 'not getting any' and not accepting it. Seemed like complete hypocracy to me, so more discussion. She offered to go together for counselling but it never happened, far easier to sweep it under the carpet. Its been roughly 10 years since I had any sort of intimacy. I've lost most if not all of my confidence, have thought about an affair but its not really me, I've even thought about purchasing affection, but I cant get excited about not being 'wanted'. Thats the worst part. I've become extremely lonely and very lost in recent months/years. Especially dislike beach holidays watching couples kiss and hold hands. I am not even a jealous type. I'm hoping I might find some people to share or discuss it all with and at least improve my esteem. I feel I should start again, but I've left it a bit late and am scared to be even more lonely than I am already. Thanks for reading. P You talk about not wishing to purchase sex because you want to feel wanted. This is a key issue for many here. To be desired for who you are with no ulterior motive and not having to wrangle for intimacy. True intimacy is more than just a physical act. |
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Mar 31, 2017 0:19:39 GMT -5
Welcome, lonely. I think you will find a lot of support here. I took much to long to engage here. I'm glad it seems like you are jumping right in.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Mar 31, 2017 1:54:33 GMT -5
Thanks guys (again). Yes thats exactly the realisation I had towards it all seabr33z3, it did take a while though, initially I was obsessed with not having sex, it consumed me. But after a while I realised how lonely I had become, through not being wanted. I miss the thought process of desire from both sides of the table. It made me feel extremely sad, in fact I am still there. I try to stay busy to take my mind away from it, but its a fail. If I watch a romantic film, it brings me to tears. I've become a wreck. You are right too allworkandnoplay, I have jumped right in here, this forum is an incredible fit for me I think. Pre-judgement from people who just dont understand what is going on is very frustrating. To link up with people who understand the emotions connected with sexual/physical rejection has been a great boost over the last 24 hours.I also realise most of you are in the US. I'm in England. But I'm definitely at the jump on a plane stage. Lol
Anyway, thanks
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Hello
Mar 31, 2017 4:07:20 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by seabr33z3 on Mar 31, 2017 4:07:20 GMT -5
Thanks guys (again). Yes thats exactly the realisation I had towards it all seabr33z3, it did take a while though, initially I was obsessed with not having sex, it consumed me. But after a while I realised how lonely I had become, through not being wanted. I miss the thought process of desire from both sides of the table. It made me feel extremely sad, in fact I am still there. I try to stay busy to take my mind away from it, but its a fail. If I watch a romantic film, it brings me to tears. I've become a wreck. You are right too allworkandnoplay, I have jumped right in here, this forum is an incredible fit for me I think. Pre-judgement from people who just dont understand what is going on is very frustrating. To link up with people who understand the emotions connected with sexual/physical rejection has been a great boost over the last 24 hours.I also realise most of you are in the US. I'm in England. But I'm definitely at the jump on a plane stage. Lol Anyway, thanks You are in the Supermarket watching couples interact. You are driving along and see what appears to be normal couples walking together.( these minor situations can cause a tear to fall) You go on holiday and they all looked loved up. You look at friends, neighbours, colleagues and family and wonder if any of them are as abnormal as you in their relationship and figure "nope!", but time spent here will show otherwise. Being here probably won't do anything to change your situation, but it will help you to cope a little better hopefully. |
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Post by nancyb on Mar 31, 2017 6:13:51 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Lonely. I hope and trust you will find a lot of support and understanding here. My 28 year marriage end in June if last year . It was sexless for 14 years. I'm also in my 50's.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 31, 2017 7:24:12 GMT -5
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Post by nolongerlonely on Mar 31, 2017 8:19:39 GMT -5
Thanks Nancyb and greatcoastal, very kind words indeed thank you. As a small child, the parents used to say 'manners maketh man' and do you know one of the few things we humans get to control is our behaviour and attitude towards others. A bit philosophical of me perhaps, but whats wrong with being nice. I've had some fairly horrible words thrown at me in my 28 years of marriage, and several ultimatums which always caused me to crumble in the interest of maintaining the peace. I made a conscious decision to stay for the kids. I've heard this is a mistake, maybe so, I'll never know because I did. I will say one morale boost I received about 10 years ago when I really thought I was going to make tracks, being asked by my teenage child if he could come too.
In less than 24 hours here its proved to me there is the chance of a life of love (and sex) out there. I hope I'll get the opportunity to find it.
Thanks for the links too, I'll take a look.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Mar 31, 2017 10:40:18 GMT -5
Thanks Nancyb and greatcoastal, very kind words indeed thank you. As a small child, the parents used to say 'manners maketh man' and do you know one of the few things we humans get to control is our behaviour and attitude towards others. A bit philosophical of me perhaps, but whats wrong with being nice. I've had some fairly horrible words thrown at me in my 28 years of marriage, and several ultimatums which always caused me to crumble in the interest of maintaining the peace. I made a conscious decision to stay for the kids. I've heard this is a mistake, maybe so, I'll never know because I did. I will say one morale boost I received about 10 years ago when I really thought I was going to make tracks, being asked by my teenage child if he could come too. In less than 24 hours here its proved to me there is the chance of a life of love (and sex) out there. I hope I'll get the opportunity to find it. Thanks for the links too, I'll take a look. There are a few of us here staying for the kids. Even though those kids are teens/20's. It's the right decision for some and for others not the right decision. Only you can make that call. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2017 20:04:51 GMT -5
I am glad you found us, though I'm sorry you need us. But this group has been a lifesaver for people in our situation.
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