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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 29, 2017 14:54:49 GMT -5
www.facebook.com/Shrink4Men/Does your partner exploit their past as an excuse for the SM? And use it to your detriment? The past is the past your dealing with an adult, it's time they start acting like one. I like the comments at the end by others. I relate to the ones who had their divorce dragged out for money. It takes a judge, and an attorney to get them to submit.
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Post by baza on Mar 29, 2017 21:18:19 GMT -5
I can't say as my missus ever overtly tried to blame her idiot mother and rotten childhood as an excuse for her behaviour as an adult.
That's my re-collection anyway.
Maybe she did, but if so I don't recall it.
But eventually - after a long long time (we are talking decades here) - the penny finally dropped for me that "why" she behaved as she did, didn't matter.
The facts on the ground were that she behaved in the way she did because -
(a) - she chose to or
(b) - she couldn't help it or
(c) - she did it on purpose or
(d) - she did it accidently
In any event, she did it.
And, THAT was what I had to deal with.
The real question was NOT "why" she behaved as she did, rather the real question was "why" I chose to remain in that dysfunctional situation.
There was nothing I could do about her "why". That was her thing and her responsibility.
There was something I could do about my "why". That was my thing and my responsibility.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 6:39:56 GMT -5
I blame/understand my passivity on my bi-polar mother during my up-bringing. It was part of my training. To do like my dad did, avoid it. I remember to this day reaching the conclusion, "mom will always think she's right and your wrong, if you defend yourself you are going to get it worse, my sister defended herself and would get it worse, so don't bother."
Is my passivity a big red flag? There comes aggression as the passivity builds up, and things get released. I am much more aware of it and work on it as an adult.
Meeting my spouse, and knowing she grew up with a controlling mother, and was aware "of not being like her", should that have been a red flag to look out for? It turns out she has many of the same traits that she denies. She is much more subtle, and wears a much better mask than her mother ever did.
The therapy helped show that "change" was going to happen on my part only, by not remaining in the dysfunctional relationship. My responsibility, to me, and my family.
I am now having to teach my almost adult teens, that they can say no to their mom. It's okay to stand up for yourself.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2017 7:50:31 GMT -5
My stbx grew up with a controlling mother as well. And his father was passive and of very little significance. My husband was bullied at school and had some medical issues. He has always kept blaming everyone else for his problems.
I was bullied too, but I don't think I use that as an excuse. My father was agressive and my mother was passive and pleased him to keep things as smooth as possible. That was my example, I see how that influenced me, but being aware of that hopefully helps to prevent me from falling in the same trap again.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 30, 2017 9:01:59 GMT -5
I blame/understand my passivity on my bi-polar mother during my up-bringing. It was part of my training. To do like my dad did, avoid it. I remember to this day reaching the conclusion, "mom will always think she's right and your wrong, if you defend yourself you are going to get it worse, my sister defended herself and would get it worse, so don't bother." In my family, that same dynamic manifested in me (at least in the narrative I tell myself) as my distaste with disordered, incoherent or irrational thinking and behavior. Rather than being passive, I tend to quickly point out such misalignments. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 30, 2017 9:19:29 GMT -5
I blame/understand my passivity on my bi-polar mother during my up-bringing. It was part of my training. To do like my dad did, avoid it. I remember to this day reaching the conclusion, "mom will always think she's right and your wrong, if you defend yourself you are going to get it worse, my sister defended herself and would get it worse, so don't bother." In my family, that same dynamic manifested in me (at least in the narrative I tell myself) as my distaste with disordered, incoherent or irrational thinking and behavior. Rather than being passive, I tend to quickly point out such misalignments. That's a refreshing way to think about it! I still question the label of being passive, in such situations. Or when you have every right to be angry and defend yourself as being aggressive. |
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 30, 2017 11:58:05 GMT -5
I think the sheer weight of exhaustion makes us passive in many cases.
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