loneliness teamwork and other marital issues
Mar 25, 2017 19:36:33 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, WindSister, and 2 more like this
Post by wom360 on Mar 25, 2017 19:36:33 GMT -5
This was a wake up call to me though that we really have absolutely nothing in common and I don't ever try to involve myself in his interests when, to his credit, he really does involve himself in mine.
For her it's easy to be fun when you have no kids to worry about. I realized that I spent so much time in survival mode. Wake up, manage kids and all that comes with it, the household, a marriage, a job, and then just trying to make it to the finish line of bed at the end of the day, frazzled and exhausted. In trying to survive all my obligations, making time for each other and I made no effort to do anything with him beyond my todo list and parenting. That's not me when we were dating. I tried all sorts of things just because it meant time together. He never stopped, even when things were bad. He definitely went 3/4 of the way to my 1/4. Changing that is something I need to do. It's not me conforming or losing myself, it's a basic fact in the dynamic of our marriage. It's not good.
For her it's easy to be fun when you have no kids to worry about. I realized that I spent so much time in survival mode. Wake up, manage kids and all that comes with it, the household, a marriage, a job, and then just trying to make it to the finish line of bed at the end of the day, frazzled and exhausted. In trying to survive all my obligations, making time for each other and I made no effort to do anything with him beyond my todo list and parenting. That's not me when we were dating. I tried all sorts of things just because it meant time together. He never stopped, even when things were bad. He definitely went 3/4 of the way to my 1/4. Changing that is something I need to do. It's not me conforming or losing myself, it's a basic fact in the dynamic of our marriage. It's not good.
There are a lot of husbands out there, myself included, who wish their wives would have this kind of revelation. I think you're on the right track. I know I can almost never convince my wife to engage in any of the things I like to do. You end up feeling lonely and like you're not really on the same team. About the most we do "together" is go out to dinner. But none of the really fun stuff. None of what I would consider the core parts of my self identity.
On another forum a woman is dealing with her husband who cheated. Their sexlife was way down, but it was more than just that. She posted the above (with my reply). This was a trigger to me. It reminded me that we do almost nothing together. The things I like to do: climbing, biking, motorcycling, skiing.....she's not into at all. She has her things she likes to do and I'm not into them much either. It's been this way since the beginning, but got much worse once kids came along. It's a really lonely way to go through life. A lonely way of being married, when you're not so much 'partners in crime' but rather loners with somewhat common goals.
For us the sex life has more of less come back. We do it about once a week. She would probably go for more now, and I guess I'm kind of a counter refuser. I'm still attracted to her, but the sex we have is routine and kind of boring. Anyway I'm convinced that the loneliness issue is at the root of it, not the sex itself.
