|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 23, 2017 11:15:21 GMT -5
www.facebook.com/Shrink4Men/I thought this was the best place to post this. It's a very strong deciding factor. I like this approach, far more than having to conceal the truth and hide behind the mask of "never say anything negative about your spouse,' no matter how true your statement is or how degrading they make you out to be' to the children, including teenagers,and adult children. Especially when your adults and teens get it. They see it for what it's worth. I step cautiously forward with "information" after they come to me with problems dealing with their mom. Then the others suck it up, and walk on egg shells around her, avoiding any conflict, as much as possible. With 6 kids I am dealing with them taking there own different approaches to how living with a narc. has affected them. Divorce gives me the opportunity to have a voice, and offer an alternative. I will get to say, "my house, my rules. We will do things my way when you are with me."
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Mar 23, 2017 19:08:52 GMT -5
I have been saying to myself for many years now. There "2 Good Reasons" to stay in this Marriage - meaning my 2 Children with my current wife. I love them very much.
The Divorce will be traumatic on them - separation will be inevitable - in terms of absences in weeks / days where I am not there physically. Still, when we are together I can make them feel loved and they will see their HAPPY Father free from a Marriage that caused me too much pain and unhappiness.
LOVE IS A VERB - and so I must put this to the test by my Actions when I have them.
The hardest thing about divorce is causing pain to the people you most love in the universe - that is what causes my pain - seeing their pain. It is unavoidably tough, will invoke tears and sadness BUT . . . the gamble is that in the LONG TERM - the divorce will become historical and a renewed LOVING relationship of a Father and his children will emerge. This is my vision and they will experience this thru my actions towards them.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 23, 2017 20:27:51 GMT -5
There's 3 schools of thought on this vexatious "kids" issue.
#1 - (and the most usual view) is that you "stay for the kids" no matter what, and don't challenge that viewpoint at all.
#2 - is where you challenge position #1 above, and recognise that the example you are setting as a model for the kids may well see them mirroring your choices in regard to their relationship choices when the time comes. In which case you might choose to "leave for the kids" thus setting a different example.
#3 - is where the kids are about the only worthwhile thing in your ILIASM shithole and you want to hang on to that like a limpet. In this scenario. you are staying for you and your need to have the kids close.
They are all valid positions to take, but it is pivotally important that you own the choice you make, and don't necessarily just choose the *easiest* option.
*PS - not that any of these choices are "easy".
Oftentimes the choice is "the least worst".
|
|
|
|
Post by lyn on Mar 23, 2017 20:34:43 GMT -5
I have been saying to myself for many years now. There "2 Good Reasons" to stay in this Marriage - meaning my 2 Children with my current wife. I love them very much. The Divorce will be traumatic on them - separation will be inevitable - in terms of absences in weeks / days where I am not there physically. Still, when we are together I can make them feel loved and they will see their HAPPY Father free from a Marriage that caused me too much pain and unhappiness. LOVE IS A VERB - and so I must put this to the test by my Actions when I have them. The hardest thing about divorce is causing pain to the people you most love in the universe - that is what causes my pain - seeing their pain. It is unavoidably tough, will invoke tears and sadness BUT . . . the gamble is that in the LONG TERM - the divorce will become historical and a renewed LOVING relationship of a Father and his children will emerge. This is my vision and they will experience this thru my actions towards them. Really beautifully said McRoomMate. Your kids are lucky to have you! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Mar 23, 2017 21:53:08 GMT -5
I find myself struggling with "the fine line issue" of saying anything negative about my spouse to the children. To not put them in the middle of it.
There seems to be a huge double standard. If my kids come to me telling of a person who treats them badly, never admits they're wrong, is always thinking about themselves, rejects all their ideas, humiliates them in front of others, etc...it becomes my duty to give them advice. That may include pointing out that persons negative behavior. Then telling them, "you don't have to take that kind of behavior, or abuse. Stand up for yourself, it's okay, you have my support, want me to speak to them?"
So why the difference if it's the other parent?
There have already been times when giving my son answers to his questions, clarified some pretty twisted things he had been told. Even if it meant disclosing some negative behavior that is, and has occurred from my spouse. He gets it. He feels relieved to have a better understanding of the situation. Lt gives me a chance to use it as a teachable moment. Don't let this happen to you, don't make the same mistake, how would you like to be treated this way, etc.....
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 23, 2017 22:19:01 GMT -5
FWIW Brother greatcoastal , the fact that your kids feel ok with talking to you about these matters speaks volumes to me. You simply have to have been doing most parental things right for this to be the case. If this were not the case, then your kids would not feel at all comfortable about discussing such things with you. |
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Mar 25, 2017 15:26:52 GMT -5
FWIW my mom never spoke of my father at all after the divorce. My father felt so guilty about the divorce he wouldn't speak to my Mom's side of the family. When my dad died my mom did hug me and cried a little. I have spoken about my experiences with my parent's divorce many times and as you might suspect, I am an advocate of being upfront with the kiddies.
|
|
