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Post by rejected101 on Mar 22, 2017 11:59:03 GMT -5
Our eldest son could quite feasibly be in a committed relationship or even engaged to be married within the next 8 years or so. I wonder what my wife would advise him if he came to her and said he was considering ending the relationship/engagement because his partner wouldn't have sex often enough. I'm sure she would initially tell him how her body was hers and there's more to life and love than sex and blah blah blah but what would she truly say when he told her that it made him feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable and at times down right upset.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Mar 22, 2017 12:27:55 GMT -5
My mom is a classic refuser and DARVO
I have told her, I think it sunk in a little bit because my father figure had a pep in his step for a couple weeks. However, she claims I am fortunate that he doesn't want to (she can never give a good reason why though).
I wish she would really listen to me more, I have asked my sister to talk to her about it but she is grossed out still... In time
(My mom doesn't listen to me, ever. I will say you should add some more garlic, nothing, my sister will slide in and say garlic, oh yeah it does need more ...The fuck)
To summarize: it did not help my mom long term, but I think it could make an impact if she actually listens to her son about things.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 22, 2017 12:47:32 GMT -5
Our eldest son could quite feasibly be in a committed relationship or even engaged to be married within the next 8 years or so. I wonder what my wife would advise him if he came to her and said he was considering ending the relationship/engagement because his partner wouldn't have sex often enough. I'm sure she would initially tell him how her body was hers and there's more to life and love than sex and blah blah blah but what would she truly say when he told her that it made him feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable and at times down right upset. The real question is what would YOU advise him. I spend a lot of time with my 16 year old daughter. She's had a couple of "boyfriends" (high school stuff). My advice to her has been to date different boys (not sleep around of course, but date). She needs to learn what she likes and what she doesn't like while she is young. I never did that, and I think it is one of the leading reasons I'm in the situation I'm in now. In retrospect, there were warning signs that had I had more experience with women I may have seen. I will advise my kids not to get too serious too quickly. Picking a spouse is probably the most important decision any of us will make. It should be done with care. This, of course, is from someone who plans on never getting married again once I'm finally emancipated. So they should take my advice with a grain of salt  |
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 22, 2017 13:42:35 GMT -5
I would say, don't be patient. People often mistake your patience for "I'm cool with this." I would also say that if you don't feel comfortable with good communication from the beginning, then its doomed. If someone never compromises and meets you halfway on the smallest thing, then don't marry them.
I would say its ok to have and want hugs and kisses and cuddles and sex. that there is nothing wrong with them what so ever. Fight from the beginning or by the time you wake up, its going to be sooo much harder and complicated.
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 22, 2017 14:17:37 GMT -5
I would say, don't be patient. People often mistake your patience for "I'm cool with this." I would also say that if you don't feel comfortable with good communication from the beginning, then its doomed. If someone never compromises and meets you halfway on the smallest thing, then don't marry them. I would say its ok to have and want hugs and kisses and cuddles and sex. that there is nothing wrong with them what so ever. Fight from the beginning or by the time you wake up, its going to be sooo much harder and complicated. Bingo. You just summed me up with that patience equating to "I'm cool with this" remark. I was patient for years and years because I thought it was the right and proper way to be. I thought I was being a gentleman. Now I'm realising I helped make the bed that we lay in. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 22, 2017 15:49:28 GMT -5
Something that fueled my wanting a divorce was this thought:
"How would he feel if our daughter had a husband that neglected her for decades?"
Well I'm somebody's daughter too. I wouldn't want that for my daughter and I won't have it for myself ever again.
My patience and empathy for him enabled him as well.
It was selfish on his part and eventually the gig is up.
He had a good long run on my naivety and good nature though.
As far as my kids when they get into a serious relationship, I will inform them about givers and takers as well as compatibility. My son will know better than to get a blow job and not reciprocate. My daughter will know better than to be with selfish men.
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Post by Copernicus on Mar 22, 2017 16:34:16 GMT -5
I'm sure she would initially tell him how her body was hers and there's more to life and love than sex and blah blah blah but what would she truly say when he told her that it made him feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable and at times down right upset. I guess she'd say "... but there's more to life and love than sex and blah blah blah..." |
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Post by lyn on Mar 22, 2017 21:15:31 GMT -5
Unfortunately (or fortunately, not sure), when my daughter shares with me about whatever awful thing the latest boyfriend has done (she's 24), I'm probably too quick to say, "Oh that's a red flag - just dump him".
I'm almost surprised she still comes to me and am so thankful that she does.
Now, this - knee-jerk response to these situations (for her situations and probably in my future romantic entanglements) I need to work on. Not everyone is a manipulative, intimacy averse, a-hole. We all make mistakes - it's just hard to realize this after years of conditioning.
Another thing to add to the list: Be fair - give someone a fair chance before a snap assessment.
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 23, 2017 0:12:58 GMT -5
Something that fueled my wanting a divorce was this thought: "How would he feel if our daughter had a husband that neglected her for decades?" Well I'm somebody's daughter too. I wouldn't want that for my daughter and I won't have it for myself ever again. My patience and empathy for him enabled him as well. It was selfish on his part and eventually the gig is up. He had a good long run on my naivety and good nature though. As far as my kids when they get into a serious relationship, I will inform them about givers and takers as well as compatibility. My son will know better than to get a blow job and not reciprocate. My daughter will know better than to be with selfish men. Unfortunately they have us (in your case had) by the short and curlys. If you speak up as a woman and demand more sex, you are a "slut" or maybe something else very negative. If you speak up as a man and demand more sex you are a "sex pest" or something else very negative. If you say nothing your refuser reserves the right to assume "they're alright with this" as there's been no protest. Society has to shoulder some of the blame for this. We've concentrated so much on teaching our children to be patient with sex and not jump in too early, to respect and love ourselves and only have sex when you are ready and want to, that it's spilled in to our refusers adult life too heavily. Despite the marital commitment they still literally hide behind the I'll do it when and only when I want it like I was always taught. |
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Post by baza on Mar 23, 2017 0:15:54 GMT -5
If your son (presumably a young adult now) has been exposed to an ILIASM shithole as exhibited by his parents, the chances are that the damage has already been done as far as the attitudes he will carry in to his adult life and his own choice of partner. What he has seen modeled will influence his choices. What advice his mother (or you for that matter) may now give him will not be particularly impactful. It's just "words". What he has seen first hand will be buried deep, and one conversation *now* won't undo the example he has seen in action. Of course Brother rejected101 , he may take an attitude that he will avoid women like his mother, or perhaps actually seek out a woman just like his mother, but you can back it in that he HAS already been influenced by his environment one way or the other. |
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