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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 19, 2017 11:19:39 GMT -5
Excellent guidance from a Divorce Mediator on how to have "The TALK" . . .
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 19, 2017 12:15:39 GMT -5
Excellent guidance from a Divorce Mediator on how to have "The TALK" . . . What a jolly lovely man. I wish he'd just nip over and do it for me  it it all makes sense, the way he recommends going about it. It's hard to remain calm but I think it's the only strategy. Ill be trying this method. Very soon! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 19, 2017 13:20:29 GMT -5
Excellent guidance from a Divorce Mediator on how to have "The TALK" . . . What a jolly lovely man. I wish he'd just nip over and do it for me it it all makes sense, the way he recommends going about it. It's hard to remain calm but I think it's the only strategy. Ill be trying this method. Very soon! Yes, I have been meditating on this profoundly - The TALK has got to be non-confrontational as much as possible - clean fell swoop - no pointing fingers - no right or wrong - this is the decision - I am sorry - Let us move forward. Ahhh, Easier said than done. I am aiming for late April for my TALK. Toughest hardest thing I think I have ever put myself to do. I am trembling but moving forward. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 19, 2017 13:44:29 GMT -5
We actually had an unscheduled TALK about 6 weeks ago. We got in a routine argument and it was just a "pretext" and within 15 minutes from arguing over a trifle we had agreed to a divorce. There was shouting and finger pointing - like an ambush or shoot-out of words and accusations.
She has threatened divorce and "never seeing your kids again" off and on for probably 10 years but since that evening - she has been freaked out because that was the FIRST time I ever mentioned it and I was ready to go thru. So what happened?
Well Reset Sex - which quickly died off within a week or so, and then I became a tough Counter-Refuser after that. The "cherry on the cake" was Valentines Day our "romantic" night in bed consisting of her stroking my arm (like our pet cat) while she watched a movie on her laptop with her head phones on. Obviously it is not just because of that - there are million things and this has been a 10 year process. Now my Mind is made up. I have meditated, analyzed, prayed, researched, stared into the abyss etc. over this for months now. Preparation is good but not perfect and timing at the latest April.
The next TALK - will be PREPARED just like this guy says and other very good advice found on these threads. The TALK is not a negotiation it is a "declaration" of something that WILL happen.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 19, 2017 14:26:20 GMT -5
Very good advice for the first announcement. Personally I found it very helpful to not even use the word divorce. Instead I said, "I have chosen to end the marriage" At the moment I took responsibility for the choice to end the marriage. In reality there are decades of choices on my controlling refusers part that ended a marriage from even beginning.
I found the words "we will work this out" to be ....troubling? In my own case I am finding that the only "we" in working things out, is going to be a strong attorney and a judge. Due to the moving,manipulation, and hiding of finances. This is also trickling down to the control of children. Something a very aggressive mediator may not be able to handle. That's what happened the first time. What happens the second, or the third? all costing more time and money.
The words "we will work this out" do not sit well with a manipulative controller. That means compromise. Trusting , giving, bending, respecting the thoughts of the other spouse. Dare I say.... CHANGING? Don't count on it to be easy. Hopefully an experienced attorney and judge sees the truth and acts accordingly.
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 19, 2017 14:47:48 GMT -5
Very good advice for the first announcement. Personally I found it very helpful to not even use the word divorce. Instead I said, "I have chosen to end the marriage" At the moment I took responsibility for the choice to end the marriage. In reality there are decades of choices on my controlling refusers part that ended a marriage from even beginning. I found the words "we will work this out" to be ....troubling? In my own case I am finding that the only "we" in working things out, is going to be a strong attorney and a judge. Due to the moving,manipulation, and hiding of finances. This is also trickling down to the control of children. Something a very aggressive mediator may not be able to handle. That's what happened the first time. What happens the second, or the third? all costing more time and money. The words "we will work this out" do not sit well with a manipulative controller. That means compromise. Trusting , giving, bending, respecting the thoughts of the other spouse. Dare I say.... CHANGING? Don't count on it to be easy. Hopefully an experienced attorney and judge sees the truth and acts accordingly. Very valid points- to be on look out and prepared for. My First Divorce was quick and amicable - just hammered out a reasonable alimony and child support and visitation rights. Sorry to hear of the Manipulator / Controlling. If it turns hostile, one does not have a choice. I have already assumed as a potential outcome that she gets Revenge / Mean focused. It is impossible to really prepare for this - I just at least have an awareness as a possible scenario. The main victory is FREEDOM - and after that the CHILDREN do not get traumatized (any more than they have to). Half my sons friends are divorced already. I am over in Europe - with divorce north of 50% and Belgium has a whopping 70% divorce rate. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 21, 2017 7:51:00 GMT -5
Very good advice for the first announcement. Personally I found it very helpful to not even use the word divorce. Instead I said, "I have chosen to end the marriage" At the moment I took responsibility for the choice to end the marriage. In reality there are decades of choices on my controlling refusers part that ended a marriage from even beginning. I found the words "we will work this out" to be ....troubling? In my own case I am finding that the only "we" in working things out, is going to be a strong attorney and a judge. Due to the moving,manipulation, and hiding of finances. This is also trickling down to the control of children. Something a very aggressive mediator may not be able to handle. That's what happened the first time. What happens the second, or the third? all costing more time and money. The words "we will work this out" do not sit well with a manipulative controller. That means compromise. Trusting , giving, bending, respecting the thoughts of the other spouse. Dare I say.... CHANGING? Don't count on it to be easy. Hopefully an experienced attorney and judge sees the truth and acts accordingly. Very very precise and DAMN good wording - choice of words - Very powerful and each word packed with a lot of heavy weight.
"I have chosen to end the marriage"Let me analyze this: The CHOICE has been ALREADY DECIDED. The DECISION is done - past tense. The decision to "END the MARRIAGE". I agree "Let's work this out" can be wrongly interpreted - definitely too vague for usefulness. Hmm, how about "we will work out the details to THIS decision as efficient as possible" Yes, I think those 2 sentences at the BEGINNING of the TALK will efficiently set the mood. "I have chosen to end the marriage and we will work out the details to this decision as efficient as possible." Note the first sentence has "I" but second as "we" and the focus is on the decision (i.e., it is finished and now move forward to actually end it - no debate - no finger pointing - just moving forward to end it). Perhaps I am getting too hair splitting but I think it really is important to be precise and clear. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2017 9:29:51 GMT -5
Well... sadly, the response of my then announced STBX was another clarification that I made the right choice. There was no sense of loss, no feelings of guilt, no remorse for loosing me, or ending a marriage with a man that allowed himself to be controlled. Instead there was immediate questions about money, and the instant moving of money as soon as she arrived home. One of the largest control issues in our marriage.
I wouldn't loose sleep over the wording. Instead be prepared for the reaction, and days, weeks, months to come.
Start the detachment process as soon as possible. For me the evolving from "happy wife, happy life syndrome" to "only you can make yourself happy" is the greatest challenge.
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 21, 2017 11:13:49 GMT -5
Well... sadly, the response of my then announced STBX was another clarification that I made the right choice. There was no sense of loss, no feelings of guilt, no remorse for loosing me, or ending a marriage with a man that allowed himself to be controlled. Instead there was immediate questions about money, and the instant moving of money as soon as she arrived home. One of the largest control issues in our marriage. I wouldn't loose sleep over the wording. Instead be prepared for the reaction, and days, weeks, months to come. Start the detachment process as soon as possible. For me the evolving from "happy wife, happy life syndrome" to "only you can make yourself happy" is the greatest challenge. Thanks - Good advice. Just wondering - do you have Children together? I think really what will hurt both of us the most is the fact we have children together and this will be each our Second Divorce with kids from this marriage too. If there were not Children involved - This marriage / couple would never have lasted this long - I am sure she feels to stay together especially for the children at any price. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2017 11:43:58 GMT -5
Well... sadly, the response of my then announced STBX was another clarification that I made the right choice. There was no sense of loss, no feelings of guilt, no remorse for loosing me, or ending a marriage with a man that allowed himself to be controlled. Instead there was immediate questions about money, and the instant moving of money as soon as she arrived home. One of the largest control issues in our marriage. I wouldn't loose sleep over the wording. Instead be prepared for the reaction, and days, weeks, months to come. Start the detachment process as soon as possible. For me the evolving from "happy wife, happy life syndrome" to "only you can make yourself happy" is the greatest challenge. Thanks - Good advice. Just wondering - do you have Children together? I think really what will hurt both of us the most is the fact we have children together and this will be each our Second Divorce with kids from this marriage too. If there were not Children involved - This marriage / couple would never have lasted this long - I am sure she feels to stay together especially for the children at any price. I do. 6 teenagers! Three natural, and three adopted from China. 4 boys and 2 girls. All a factor in this difficult decision. A major part is deciding that continuing on by giving them a terrible example of what a loving, caring, working, communicating, relationship should be. Better to start "fixing" things now before more and more damage is done. Definitely a step of faith, with a strong dose of knowledge derived from learning from others past experiences. The alternative is to remain going down the dead end road. Lastly there's myself to think about.Interesting how that has a way of coming full circle. A happy, healthy mother and father, raising the teens in separate households with separate rules. Compared to remaining miserable under the dictatorship of a controller. I was nieve of the separation that was taking place before our first adoption . The adoptions had little to do with it. It did make the decision more difficult. Concerns of what they have gone through in there lives already. Then weighing that against 4 more years of enduring our detached relationship? Time will tell, and how I handle this new opportunity, to have communication, trust, respect, and fun, come back into my family.. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 21, 2017 12:15:59 GMT -5
Thanks - Good advice. Just wondering - do you have Children together? I think really what will hurt both of us the most is the fact we have children together and this will be each our Second Divorce with kids from this marriage too. If there were not Children involved - This marriage / couple would never have lasted this long - I am sure she feels to stay together especially for the children at any price. I do. 6 teenagers! Three natural, and three adopted from China. 4 boys and 2 girls. All a factor in this difficult decision. A major part is deciding that continuing on by giving them a terrible example of what a loving, caring, working, communicating, relationship should be. Better to start "fixing" things now before more and more damage is done. Definitely a step of faith, with a strong dose of knowledge derived from learning from others past experiences. The alternative is to remain going down the dead end road. Lastly there's myself to think about.Interesting how that has a way of coming full circle. A happy, healthy mother and father, raising the teens in separate households with separate rules. Compared to remaining miserable under the dictatorship of a controller. I was nieve of the separation that was taking place before our first adoption . The adoptions had little to do with it. It did make the decision more difficult. Concerns of what they have gone through in there lives already. Then weighing that against 4 more years of enduring our detached relationship? Time will tell, and how I handle this new opportunity, to have communication, trust, respect, and fun, come back into my family.. FULL RESPECT SIR ! ! ! Very very inspirational. I really really really appreciate your post there. Absolutely inspiring. Thank-you Big thank-you. |
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Post by baza on Mar 21, 2017 17:24:08 GMT -5
In my case, I wrote, rehearsed, modified, edited and refined my go at "The Talk" over a couple of months. I used to rehearse it in the car as I was driving to work.
Now, as it turned out, one word in one conversation precipitated "The Talk" being conducted there and then one day, and my beautifully crafted and fully rehearsed speech didn't even get a run.
But I was glad I had the speech fully prepared, even though it never got delivered as it turned out. Our finish was much more abrupt.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 22, 2017 13:00:30 GMT -5
We actually had an unscheduled TALK about 6 weeks ago. We got in a routine argument and it was just a "pretext" and within 15 minutes from arguing over a trifle we had agreed to a divorce. There was shouting and finger pointing - like an ambush or shoot-out of words and accusations. She has threatened divorce and "never seeing your kids again" off and on for probably 10 years but since that evening - she has been freaked out because that was the FIRST time I ever mentioned it and I was ready to go thru. So what happened? Well Reset Sex - which quickly died off within a week or so, and then I became a tough Counter-Refuser after that. The "cherry on the cake" was Valentines Day our "romantic" night in bed consisting of her stroking my arm (like our pet cat) while she watched a movie on her laptop with her head phones on. Obviously it is not just because of that - there are million things and this has been a 10 year process. Now my Mind is made up. I have meditated, analyzed, prayed, researched, stared into the abyss etc. over this for months now. Preparation is good but not perfect and timing at the latest April. The next TALK - will be PREPARED just like this guy says and other very good advice found on these threads. The TALK is not a negotiation it is a "declaration" of something that WILL happen. The proverbial straw that broke my camel's back was when my STBX posted "I love you" to me on Facebook on our anniversary. That would be nice if she hadn't gone over 12 years at that point not saying it to my face. Oh, and I'm not on Facebook. Straws that break a camel's back are, by definition, small and insignificant...and final. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 22, 2017 13:02:03 GMT -5
In my case, I wrote, rehearsed, modified, edited and refined my go at "The Talk" over a couple of months. I used to rehearse it in the car as I was driving to work. Now, as it turned out, one word in one conversation precipitated "The Talk" being conducted there and then one day, and my beautifully crafted and fully rehearsed speech didn't even get a run. But I was glad I had the speech fully prepared, even though it never got delivered as it turned out. Our finish was much more abrupt. I was able to read my letter to her. I'd rehearsed it to the point of memorization. Maybe a half typewritten page. Took me almost 30 minutes, uninterrupted, to get through. I feel ya, brother. |
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