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Post by WindSister on Mar 13, 2017 10:07:11 GMT -5
This group might appreciate this kind of growth. I used to get crazy jealous when it was my husband's ex-wife's birthday and he would send her a "Happy Birthday." I didn't let my crazy out, mind you, but I FELT IT. I honestly do NOT feel that this year. It's her Birthday today so I see her plastered all over my newsfeed as our mutual friends wish her a happy one. I honestly DO NOT CARE if my husband sends her one or not - that is up to him and none of my business. I trust him. I trust her. It's all good. That kind of progress FEELS GOOD!! I actually talked with her this past weekend about upcoming grandbaby things. She thanked me for taking on the two year old so she can be with her daughter at the hospital on the day of the c-section. It felt good to be nice to each other. She will never be a bestie to me and I will always have a side of me that is protective of my husband, but I think things ARE getting easier and better as time goes on. I am actually and Truly NOT jealous of her. YAY!!  |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 13, 2017 13:19:25 GMT -5
Just a question...how long did it take to get to this state?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 13, 2017 18:51:28 GMT -5
I have a changed perspective on jealousy the last year or so. I read an article that said it generally stems from a fear of inadequacy. Now when I feel it, I try to pause - sometimes it takes a LONG pause - and ask what I feel inadequate about. In most cases (60-80% is my guess), I can easily identify it & even honor my frightened part, and get over that feeling. When I can - then I can go on to either acknowledge I hope for something they seem to have (good job, seems like a fulfilling relationship, looks happy, etc) - or - I can see through what appeared so rosy & understand that not only am I not inadequate, but actually don't even want what they have anyway.
It was an enlightening article.
This is great growth you've reported. Celebrate that!
I'm way more loving about my Ex's first wife than I currently am about my Ex. It will normalize sometime (I'm pretty sure).
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Post by baza on Mar 13, 2017 20:43:39 GMT -5
Oftentimes in here I've said (in regard to what outside people may think about a divorce) that the matter will occupy their brains for several minutes before they turn their attention to matters of more import - like who'll win "X factor Canada" tonight on the telly. So it is with the situation you describe Sister WindSister . Time is your friend post leaving your ILIASM shithole. (it sure as shit is NOT your friend whilst you are still in it though) Everything finds its' new level, relationships with 'past players' evolve, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. You seem to be managing your end of these peripheral relationships with class and dignity. You can do no more than that. |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 16, 2017 12:31:47 GMT -5
Just a question...how long did it take to get to this state? It's been three years. And, really this recent release feels like it just suddenly happened in the last couple weeks. Geekgoddess, That's exactly what jealousy is - I couldn't agree more! Even so, when you are in the midst of that green fog, it's sometimes hard to break free. I went through the motions since day one, did the self-pep-talks, etc. Well, actually, in the very beginning I talked with my husband a LOT. He was so very loving towards me and open and never made me feel bad for my questions, or for feeling jealous. That was new to me. He has been open and honest, so that definitely helps ease insecurities. He never played games and always put me first even if I had a request that maybe I shoudn't have had (like blocking his ex girl friend on facebook- we just unblocked her but she still has us blocked). Anyway - so that helped with my insecurities (his actions) but ultimately, the final push was the inner work I had to keep doing on myself. And then suddenly -- I was free from it. Kind of amazing. Thanks for your kind words, baza. Yes, once out, time is definitely a friend! "Past Players" --- I like that and will have to use the term now. It just feels good to genuinely get over something and not just be "faking it till I make it." |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 20, 2017 15:06:59 GMT -5
And all I can say if those of you are judging me as petty is just wait --- wait until you leave this current situation where you are not happy, meet the love of your life and realize you STILL have things to work on. (because you will always have things to work on, I promise you.) The reason I came back to ILIASM is because somehow, some way this place offers me great insight to myself but I think it's just from the simple fact I get it all out, not even necessarily from the advise I get. Sometimes, just exposing your issues (to yourself more than anything) is the act that leads to the growth. While a personal journal could do that, sharing with empathetic souls who might at least get your struggles helps more, I think. In some weird way.
Thanks for letting me talk and vent here even though I am out of my SM. I hope those that get out do stick around -- life doesn't stop being a struggle or a learning experience once you get out. It keeps going. I am happy and in love and I still have to learn and grow. Have a great week!!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 16:07:49 GMT -5
And all I can say if those of you are judging me as petty is just wait --- wait until you leave this current situation where you are not happy, meet the love of your life and realize you STILL have things to work on. (because you will always have things to work on, I promise you.) The reason I came back to ILIASM is because somehow, some way this place offers me great insight to myself but I think it's just from the simple fact I get it all out, not even necessarily from the advise I get. Sometimes, just exposing your issues (to yourself more than anything) is the act that leads to the growth. While a personal journal could do that, sharing with empathetic souls who might at least get your struggles helps more, I think. In some weird way. Thanks for letting me talk and vent here even though I am out of my SM. I hope those that get out do stick around -- life doesn't stop being a struggle or a learning experience once you get out. It keeps going. I am happy and in love and I still have to learn and grow. Have a great week!! I don't think you are petty at all. But I am so impressed that you were able to work through this. |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 22, 2017 11:16:27 GMT -5
I don't think you are petty at all. But I am so impressed that you were able to work through this. Thank you. It feels really good and really "real." I am truly "free" from the lesson of it. Suddenly, it's a non-issue. I get (and have always known) that insecurity is ugly. I get that jealousy is ugly. But that didn't stop me from FEELING the real emotions, the real feelings. I have never loved anyone like I love my husband - I guess I was a late-bloomer in that department. He sees all facets of me, even those ugly sides, and he STILL calls me his angel and "beautiful." I didn't think that kind of love actually existed in life. I think I went through a period of grief, actually, having missed out on him all those decades. We missed out on having kids and our own family. SHE got all that. I seriously had to work through some shit when it came to that and I won't apologize for it. That's real. It was like a literal stab to my heart thinking of HER with HIM in the hospital, giving birth, thinking of HER with HIM raising kids, family vacations. I had to work through all that in my own way. I really did do the work, though, and I am now free from the pain, jealousy and grief of it. I don't feel that stab. I love what we have and I know what they had was not all roses and sunshine. I also accept it wasn't all grief, either and they do share happy memories together that I will never be a part of. But, that last thought doesn't make me feel bad anymore (and a few weeks ago it did). I think people don't realize how very lonely and depressed I was in my previous marriage, my previous life. When you are laying in bed praying for a disease to come and take you, you are not in a good place. I don't blame my ex. I had to wake up and empower myself, which is what I did. Now - when I had that little health scare of the possibility of cancer (because we are so programmed to think every lump is cancer), I thought, "Wouldn't that be ironic? Finally happy and boom...." I can't thank the universe enough it was just that - a scare. Anyway = sorry for inundating the boards with my thoughts on all of this. But I thank you all for letting me do so. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2017 13:48:43 GMT -5
Thank you. It feels really good and really "real." I am truly "free" from the lesson of it. Suddenly, it's a non-issue. I get (and have always known) that insecurity is ugly. I get that jealousy is ugly. But that didn't stop me from FEELING the real emotions, the real feelings. I have never loved anyone like I love my husband - I guess I was a late-bloomer in that department. He sees all facets of me, even those ugly sides, and he STILL calls me his angel and "beautiful." I didn't think that kind of love actually existed in life. I think I went through a period of grief, actually, having missed out on him all those decades. We missed out on having kids and our own family. SHE got all that. I seriously had to work through some shit when it came to that and I won't apologize for it. That's real. It was like a literal stab to my heart thinking of HER with HIM in the hospital, giving birth, thinking of HER with HIM raising kids, family vacations. I had to work through all that in my own way. I really did do the work, though, and I am now free from the pain, jealousy and grief of it. I don't feel that stab. I love what we have and I know what they had was not all roses and sunshine. I also accept it wasn't all grief, either and they do share happy memories together that I will never be a part of. But, that last thought doesn't make me feel bad anymore (and a few weeks ago it did). I think people don't realize how very lonely and depressed I was in my previous marriage, my previous life. When you are laying in bed praying for a disease to come and take you, you are not in a good place. I don't blame my ex. I had to wake up and empower myself, which is what I did. Now - when I had that little health scare of the possibility of cancer (because we are so programmed to think every lump is cancer), I thought, "Wouldn't that be ironic? Finally happy and boom...." I can't thank the universe enough it was just that - a scare. Anyway = sorry for inundating the boards with my thoughts on all of this. But I thank you all for letting me do so. Well, you can't help feeling your emotions. However, you can control what you do with them. I think you did a really good job at feeling the emotions, but not allowing them to control your behavior. Then when you finally realized where they are coming from, you were able to reframe them in a way that helped you not have the reaction to them. Then the emotions began to change. |
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